Hardware Shopping

It is always been a goal of mine to own a house. I realized a long time ago that I hate working, and one day I would like to retire. I figured if I kept renting I would not be able to retire until I’m like 82. Owning something would give me the freedom to one day put down the briefcase and allow me to watch Jerry Springer all day.

So, my wife and I bought a house. There are things you learn and one of them is that you should open up a credit card at Menards and Home Depot the day of your closing. I have come to loathe both stores. My trips to both, re-enforce every built in stereotype I have of humans. They are indeed sheep, who have ceased thinking for themselves.

The other night I found myself in the unenviable position of having to go to both stores. Home Depot is the only store that sells 5 gallon bottles of Hinckley and Schmidt water in the area so, I usually have to make a trip once a month. Getting out of there is always an ordeal but this night it would be special.

I was returning the empty bottles, which I’ve done a thousand times when the nine year old behind the service desk asked me if I had my receipt. Of course, I didn’t why would I. She then informed me that she would let me return it this time but from now on the new policy is that I must show a receipt to get my bottle deposit back. Is it me or does every store make these asinine polices to make shopping harder? The whole time while thinking she is doing me a favor by letting me skirt the new rule, I am in turn thinking, ya, you caught me. I broke in to a stranger’s house and passed on the diamonds and gold coins. I wanted that twelve-dollar return money to use on Heroin and Crack.

After that experience I was off to Menards. The only reason I shop there is they have the best prices. Not, by a little but by a lot. However, the store is filthy. Merchandise is strewn about everywhere, pallets in the middle of aisles and every stinky, smelly “handy man”, in the area shop there. I needed to buy a folding table which was on sale, found it and was on my way to the checkouts.

There where a whopping two lanes open. Usually Menards is good at having extra lanes open but for some reason on this particular night they only had the two open. Murphy’s law will tell you that whichever lane you pick will take the longest. As logic would dictate I picked the lane with the shortest line. I had an old man in front of me buying a saw and some plumbing parts. In the time it took for this man to checkout, I could have read War and Peace.

When the saw rang up he claimed that there was a sign saying to was “supposed” to be like 12 cents. So, everyone in line waited as the helpless checkout girl paged someone who checked to see if a sign was indeed up. About a month later the stock boy, who looked as if he had just smoked the chiba, came back and informed the old man that there was no sign posted. The old man protested and wanted to see the manager.

The manager who was all of twenty-five came up to the register and instead of defusing the situation made it worse by telling this guy that he would have to pay full price. So, of course the old man told the cashier to remove the saw.

So, now his total is like 5 dollars for the reaming plumbing items. He whips out a charge card. As with most stores now a days, they want the consumer to swipe the card and know how to read. Well, this guy had no idea how to work the sophisticated credit card machine. After another hour passes, he finally gets the card through and presses the right buttons, only to have his card declined. Not having any cash on him he just walks out without buying anything.

Therefore, he wasted everyones time for nothing. After leaving the store I remembered thinking be careful what you ask for. I got my house and a whole slew of headaches to go with it.