An Open Letter to the Visitors of Las Vegas

Hi,

I recently visited sunny Las Vegas for the Christmas holiday. I love the city as it is one of the last places left in the world where political correctness hasn’t touched. With that said I have a couple of complaints to all of you people that were sharing the holiday with me.

To start with, did you really need to bring your damn kids? Listen, I don’t have anything against children, I really don’t. However, there should be some places left where adults can go and have adult fun. In case you didn’t get the memo, Vegas is supposed to a place where people over the age of twenty-one can escape from children. If I am at Disneyworld, I can’t really complain about being around kids. But if I am line at a breakfast buffet at the crack of noon, with a hang over and I have to deal with little Johnnie in front of me at the waffle bar, then we are going to have a problem.

Vegas is the home of high priced call girls, comp drinks, and 99 cent one pound hot dogs. It is called Sin City for a reason. Do you really think this is a place to expose children to? So, do me a favor, next time if you want to take a family vacation, go to Florida and visit Mickey and leave the sinners free to sin and swear without having to worry about watching their tongues around your precious ankle biters.

Secondly, if you are going to sit down at a blackjack table, you might want to equate yourself with not only the rules but a little strategy on how to play. Most of the hotles offer free lessons on most table games. Here is one tip for you, if a dealer is showing a six don’t take a hit if you anything higher then a 12. Don’t take a card to bust when the dealer is more then likely going to do so. I was at a couple of tables where I saw people playing and busting themselves out and letting the dealer off the hook. This lack of common sense not only affects you but the rest of the table. Do me a favor and go play the slots and leave the rest of us with IQ’s over our shoe size to play the big people games.

Next, when you are walking about town, shooting pictures of everything you see, you might want to consider that there are other people on Earth and some of them are trying to get places. If you are going to suddenly stop right before you get to an escalator you might want to move your fat ass out of the way so that others can use the device. Another thing, the people movers are designed for just that to move people. This is not a ride. You have legs, use them. At the very least if you insist on just standing there, do everyone a favor and stand on the right, so that the non lazy among us can get by your tracksuit wearing ass. Also, when posing for a picture try not to kid yourself. You are not at the Sears Portrait Studio’s and you don’t have ten minutes to set up your spectacular shot. Shoot the fucking thing already and get out of everybody else’s way for the love of God.

I also would like to mention that, I am all for having a good old time getting drunk and gambling, but try not to be a slobbering, bad drunk asshole. If you can’t handle your booze or you don’t have anyone else to take care of you then, try to limit yourself. Nothing can be more fun then sitting at a table having a good time having a few drinks. However all it takes is one moron who can’t handle their high to ruin it for everyone. Then security comes over and all of the sudden your moronic ass has ruined every other person’s goodtime.

Lastly, if you plan on going out in public you might want to bathe beforehand. You know there is nothing better then the smell of B.O., ass and Pall Mall smoke, when you are trying to play a little Video Poker. Those tubs in your hotel rooms have showers in them. Most of the finer hotels even give you some free soap. Try using it once in a while, for a change. The rest of society will thank you.