A Groom's Survival Guide

I have been to a lot of weddings. Some have been good but most are bad. You hear the same lame music being played by the same un-original DJ’s. Then you eat re-heated chicken and bland cream of mushroom soup. But, I digress. Having gone through the ordeal of getting married myself and being a participant in many others, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on weddings. Now, being a man and being an expert on weddings is not really useful.

Most men I know dreaded their wedding days and getting married. We were trained to delay that day for as long as we could. Getting married is symbolic of trading freedom and fun for the old ball and chain. Women on the other hand have been preparing for their wedding days as soon as they were out of the womb. They crave commitment and we run from it. So, naturally men as a whole really don’t give a shit about the wedding. We don’t care about flowers and table settings. So, with that in mind I am going to give all soon to be grooms some advice. For your reading pleasure is Nick’s Groom’s Wedding guide.

First off, stay out of your fiancé’s way. She will tell you she wants your input but, don’t believe her. She just wants someone to agree with her. You may get tempted to actually offer your own opinion, don’t. You will be wrong. Just pick what she likes and save yourself the aggravation.

Really, as a man all we care about, are the booze and maybe the music. Let, them pick everything else. You need to delicately balance between ambivalence and showing you care. Most brides sadly will stress out about the smallest details. Your job basically is to get blamed for everything that goes wrong. The reason you will hear most often, is that you aren’t helping enough. On the other hand when you do try to help you will get yelled at for making all the decisions. It is no win situation.

Really, all you can do is brace yourself for the inevitable nervous breakdown your future bride is going to have. I don’t mean to sound like a chauvinist pig here but, women can’t decide anything. This is why it takes them hours to buy a pair of shoes where it takes us five minutes. They will constantly be second guessing themselves. Always reassure her that she made the right decision whether you agree with it or not. All she is really looking for is that you support her decision.

While your bride will take over most of the planning you will still be left with a couple of tasks. One is picking out a tux. Now, your bride will pick out the color of the vest and all that nonsense. Your job is to find something that is comfortable for not only you but your groomsman. Remember you will be expected to be on the dance floor busting a move in this monkey suit. You want to be able to do unfettered. Don’t select a tux with a top hat or tails. Remain simple and classic with a black tux, with a bow tie and vest. You don’t want to stand out. Everyone should be looking at your future wife, not you.

Something else that will be a shock to you is the cost. Now, if you are lucky enough to marry a woman with an endowment, my hats off to you. However, if you are planning to pay for everything yourself, well you better be prepared. The wedding business is a complete racket. Everything is over-priced but you can’t say shit. If you do you will be accused of being cheap. The other refrain is, well you only get married once. Trust me the limo, flowers, the hall, the entertainment; everything will cost double what you thought it would. One way to help alleviate the hit on your pocket is to not register for anything. This way, people will give you cash as a gift as opposed to a set of china you will use about as often as Ben Affleck puts out a good movie.

The weeding itself is all her but the one thing you want to have at least some say in is the reception. That is all anyone is going to remember about your wedding anyway. Music is crucial to making or breaking your reception. Now, your wife is going to want to pick a bunch of lame ballads and you are going to have to accept that some will be played. With that said, this is one of the few areas you need to be firm. Reel her in a little and tell her people are there to have fun not sway mindlessly to Open Arms by Journey. Give your DJ a no play list. Include Celebration, Proud Mary, YMCA, Love Shack and Strokin on that list. No one wants to hear those songs.

Booze is the only other major concern. Don’t skimp here and try to save a few pennies by serving bad liquor. You want to use top shelf vodka and rum. For one reason, with the good booze people tend to not get as sick. Secondly, nothing shows what a miser you are then offering people Old Style beer, Boone’s farm wine, Sam Club’s Vodka and Jim Beam.

A couple of other things. Something will go wrong on your wedding day. It is inevitable. With everything going on, the odds are highly likely that something will get fucked up. Now, you won’t give a shit but you bride will. It is very important that you handle this correctly. Sympathize, pretend to be as pissed as she is and hope that it is something minor. Have a go to guy in case you need a favor. To give you an example, on my wedding day the flower lady forgot to leave roses for my Mom and Joyce’s Mom. Thankfully Joyce let it go, but it could have been a big deal. I had a friend ready to go to a local florist near the church, if it was needed. Being over prepared is a lot better then being caught with your pants down and no way to get them back up.

With everything said, remember it is her day. Yes, it is trying but once it is over, it is over and you do only have to do it once. If you picked the right lady (which I thankfully did) then all the minor inconveniencies will all be worth it in the end. I must say for my own sake (and to keep me out of the doghouse) Joyce, was relatively calm during the whole process. Sure we had some disagreements but overall I got through it without many issues and she did handle most of the important stuff.