Gym Manners

I like to consider myself a people person. In my line of work, I deal with all different kinds of individuals all day long and consider customer service to be one of my biggest strengths. However, sometimes I just don’t get people. In general settings, maybe it is a little thing, but some personal behaviors will annoy me. I know nobody is perfect and there are no hard and steadfast rules to social situations. I am certainly guilty of many a social faux pas as well.

Going out to the gym is an activity where there are no rules but maybe there should be. These are my personal pet peeves. Now, let me start right off saying I can’t work out at my house. When I was in college I could never study at home or in my dorm. I have way too many distractions at my home base and could never concentrate there. It is the same thing for me with working out. If I am at the castle and the choice is hitting an elliptical (which we have at home that now doubles as a clothes rack) or laying on my fat ass eating Twizzlers and watching TV what do you think I am going to pick?

So, here is a list of my ten biggest complaints about people at the gym. I hope I don’t offend any of the four people who will read this, but I just have to let go of some steam which in the end is why I started writing a blog to begin with.

The naked dudes in the locker room – Listen, I myself am naked for a brief stretch in the locker room after I exit the shower. I do however drape myself in a towel to cover up the goods. Let me just say, that I am not some homophobe who is insecure about their own sexuality that they lash out at all other naked men. My thing is, any nakedness in public would make anyone a tad uncomfortable. I understand you have to change cloths. However, you owe it to everyone else in that locker room to minimize the time your hairy boys are exposed for all the world to see. I have seen an old naked guy shaving in front of the mirror, a dude just laying their bare assed, air drying their shit and many other atrocities. Like I said, change but don’t sit around like you are in the privacy of your own home because you’re not.

Women talking on machines – I say women because 99 out of 100 times it is a woman. It is either one of two scenarios. Either they are having a loud and obtrusive conversation on their cell phones which is bad enough. Or, they will be with their girlfriend next to them on a treadmill walking at the slowest speed possible doing nothing but exercising their gums. Usually it is the most inane blather about either reality television, their demon seed children, or back stabbing gossip about a mutual “friend” of theirs. I am all for having a conversation with a friend, that’s fine. But go for a cup of coffee or lunch to have a pow wow. The gym is a place to work out at, not sit and gab.

People using the machine right next to me - I pick a treadmill. There are five open machines to my left. My question is why does someone have to pick the machine right next to me? Doesn’t anyone understand the concept of personal space? To me it is common sense and common courtesy to leave a buffer machine whenever possible. I mean am I that attractive in my shorts and sweaty nylon shirt that you just have to cozy on up next to me? It simply boggles my mind.

Guy’s using spray deodorant – First off in 2011 I didn’t even know they sold spray deodorant anymore. I have been using a stick for ever and I assumed most other people did as well. In the comfort of your own home, I could care less what you use. However, in a locker room where there are other people in close quarters to you, this is a no-no. When you lift your wing and spray that pungent musk it doesn’t just land in your pit. It infects the entire locker room with a chocking fog of air that clings to everything within a fifty foot radius. Inevitably the smell of it hits you like a kick to the nuts. Sorry, but I don’t want to walk around all day smelling like the shield you use to cover up your B.O. Maybe it is just me.

Using a locker with no lock on it – This is a minor infraction but one that irks me none the less. I will walk into the locker room and see a locker with no lock on it. I then assume it is free. I then open it to find more shit in there then my junior year locker I shared with Zar at Argo. I then start playing a form of open sesame to try to find an open space. What does a master lock cost nowadays? Are you that cheap where you can’t afford the two bucks? I don’t condone stealing and never would myself, but I can’t say I would lose any sleep if some moron left all their shit in an unlocked locker and then have it taken.

Taking the whole bottle of disinfectant spray – At the gym I belong to Cardinal Fitness, there is usually one area that has towels and disinfectant spray to use on the machine after you are done with it. Most times each place has five to six bottles of the spray which should be plenty. My system is when I am done with a machine, I go and spray the disinfectant into a towel and then wipe the machine down with it. That way, the spray is still there for anyone else to use if need be. However, I have seen numerous times some asshead on their way to an elliptical just take the entire bottle with them and then they horde it for their entire workout. I’m sorry that is just rude. Of course what inevitably happens is I will go to the area to spray my machine down and there will be no spray there because some socially inept moron never learned how to share in kindergarten.

Moron’s flexing in the mirror – In this day and age you would think this self centered behavior would have long passed but sadly it continues. To me there is nothing, and I mean nothing lamer then sitting there doing arm curls, in front of a mirror all the while you are making love to your reflection with your eyes. This is 100% a guy thing. I have never gotten it. I am not a muscle guy, but I get it if you want to work out with weights to keep yourself in shape. However, there is a certain category of males out there that walk around with their ‘roided out chests all puffed out, overcompensating for their inadequate length of their gentiles. These are the same buffoons who go to see the Fast and Furious in the theatre, drive cheese ball cars, and think Dane Cook is funny. I am not for forced sterilizations but if I was I would start with zombies like this.

Not cleaning up after yourself – The Bridgeview Cardinal is the worst in this regard. I have seen better manners in the cages of the monkey exhibit at Brookfield Zoo, then what goes on in the locker room. Paper towels in the urinals, towels left out on the benches. Guys cutting their toenails and having the shards fly about without an effort to pick them up. The sink is always a water soaked mess, there are empty water bottles strewn about. It is in a word, repulsive. Didn’t your mom or dad teach you anything about common courtesy? Have you lived your whole live like a spoiled brat who has depended on someone else to pick up after your filth? Do you just not give a shit about anyone else’s comfortably? I can’t speak to the woman’s but the bathroom in the first Saw movie was in better shape than some of Cardinal’s men’s locker rooms I have been to.

Grunting while working out – I will be at a machine mindlessly trying to zone out while on the treadmill when all of a sudden the person next to me starts making what I can only call a primitive verbal groan as they try to push it to the limit. The only time anyone should be making these noises are in flights of ecstasy when they are with their loved ones in a passionate embrace. Not when you are running on a treadmill. I, nor does anyone else want to hear what you sound like when you are pleasuring yourself to images of animal farm porn. Put it on mute, dude.

The smelly people of the world – People smell. The human body when not properly maintained can omit some of the foulest odors you will ever have the displeasure to inhale. When sweating these odors tend to only intensify. I have had to move in the past due to someone next to my machines B.O. I bathe daily. Doesn’t seem like that big a deal to me but some of these people smell like the last time they saw a bar of soap was during the Clinton administration. I don’t gag easily. But one thing that will get me every time is someone’s pungent musk fouling up the air for everyone around them to enjoy. When you go to the gym where you know you are going to sweat you owe to the other patrons to at least give yourself a whore’s bath. The rest of the world thanks you.