Bar Jokes

Two guys walk into a bar the third guy ducks.

A rope walks into a bar and orders a beer and the bartender looks at him and tells him “We don’t serve your kind.” So the rope goes home and the next day walks into the same bar and again the bartender tells him, “We don’t serve your kind.” So the rope decides to try again with a costume. He goes home and combs his hair way out and ties himself. That night he walks into the bar and the bartender looks at him and says, “Aren’t you that same rope that has been coming in here the last two nights, the rope then replies, “I’m afraid not.”

John Kerry walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Why the long face.”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A man walks into a bar and sees a pretty woman sitting alone, so he asks if he can buy her a drink. They start talking and they are hitting it off. So, he asks her if she wants to go back to his place. At this point the woman says, “Listen before this goes any further, I think I should tell you I used to be a man.” The guy is completely shocked and asks, “Well didn’t it hurt when they cut your manhood off”, and the woman says, not really. Then the man asks, “Well didn’t it hurt having to take all those Estrogen injections?” And the woman replied, “No, that didn’t hurt either but what really hurt is when they sucked out half of my brain.”

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you,” says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer, and the bartender tells him they don’t serve mushrooms and the mushroom replies, “Why not I’m a fun guy.”

A guy walks into a bar with a dog. "This dog is the smartest dog in the world." he says. "He can answer any question." "Oh yeah?" says one of the patrons. "Prove it!" The man turns to his dog, and asks, "What is over our head? " "Roof!" "How does bark feel?" "Ruff!" "Who is the greatest baseball player who ever lived?" "Ruth!" The patrons, growing tired of the show, throw the man and his dog out of the bar. The dog then turned to the man and asked, "Think I should have said DiMaggio?"

A guy walks into a bar in the top of the Sears Tower. A guy says to him "Hey, if you jump out the window, the air currents will spin you around a couple of times and then you'll fly right back in. Watch." So the man in the bar leaps out the window and what he says happens. He spins around and falls back in the room. The other man says "WOW! I want to try!" So he leaps out the window and falls and splats on the ground. The bartender says to the first man "Geeze Superman, you're a mean drunk.