If I had a Time Machine

To quote the living legend Cher: “If I could turn back time.”

I would have followed up on a stolen kiss with a friend back in my college days.

Speaking of college, I would have not picked DePaul as my school of choice. Didn’t hate it there, but should have gone away to school. You only get one chance at that.

I would have listened to the wife and bought something in the city instead of the burbs. Been stuck waiting out the housing market. Plan was to live in the house 5 years and it has now been 7.

On October 14^th 2003, I would have bought a ticket for seat 113, row 8, section 4. And I would have let Alou catch that ball and saved poor Steve Bartman years of unnecessary scorn.

I would have been a better boyfriend. I tell Joyce if she had met me in my teens or early 20’s she would have hated me. I was a total self absorbed ass and I treated a couple of girls like complete shit and they really didn’t deserve that.

I would have started running in my 20’s instead of my late 30’s. Man it was so much tougher starting out at an older age.

I would have let a soft fly ball drop in a meaningless softball game instead of going all out for it and blowing out my right knee. It hasn’t been the same since.

I would completely re-live the year 1997. Man, what was I thinking?

I would not have been so quick to dismiss the Grateful Dead. In retrospect what I disliked where the “trust fund hippies” to steal a line from Patton Oswalt, that pretended to be Dead Heads to look cool. The band itself made some really good music but, I was too angry at the posers to notice.

I would have learned to swim and overcome my fears. Everybody has one irrational fear and mine is of water. I don’t know where it comes from and I know it is not too late. But to this day, my biggest fear and maybe my only phobia is that of water.