My Monthly Purge

It is time for a monthly venting. If it seems like I have a lot of things that anger me well, I admit it, I do. I guess I am the conscience of America and I have no other way to get these things off my chest other than to bitch about them on this blog. There is a great moment in the movie Ghost World. Steve Bucehmi says to Thora Birch, “It’s easy for everyone else, just give them a Big Mac and a pair of Nike’s and their happy.” Often times that is exactly how I feel.

People Who Substitute Dogs for Children – There is nothing worse or more inhumane than some yuppie scum who has a dog and treats them like a child. Listen, I like dogs. The reason this bothers me is that I believe a dog should be able to run around in a back yard. They should also be free to shit when they want. These urban yuppies that get dogs and live in the city should be arrested. It is pathetic to see these morons walking around picking up dog shit. It also inhumane to keep a dog cooped up in a tiny apartment all day. If you want a house pet get a cat.

The Term Happy Camper- Everytime I hear this term my skin crawls. There is nothing more un-hip or lame than using it. First off, people who use it are trying to be cleaver. Well, let be the first to say once a term gets assimilated into modern society and is regarded as the norm the term ceases being cute, funny or original. Happy camper is right up with; you go girl, talk to the hand and all that and a bag of chips. Get out of 1983 and come up with a some new slogans.

Reese Witherspoon – Just a complete bitch. Pure and simple. Now, I do not know her personally however, every time I read an article with her she comes off as a spoiled prissy complainer. Also, many who have worked with her have complained about her being difficult. On top of all that, after taking some great early roles like Election and Freeway now she makes nothing but Sweet Home Alabama movies. I hate this woman and more so I hate America for making her a star.

Pushy Salesman – There is nothing I hate more than when I am trying to shop and some greasy salesman comes slithering up and asks me if I need help. If I need help I will ask for it. What’s worse is when you tell the salesman you are just looking they then keep pestering you. I try to be an informed consumer. I know what I want and I don’t need some business school dropout helping me pick out my new refrigerator. I can do that all by myself. I won’t even get into used car salesmen.

Smoke Nazi’s – I do not smoke. So, this is not coming from a smoker’s perspective. To me it is a free country. If you choose to smoke, be my guest they are your lungs. The Smoke Nazi brigade is going to come at you with second hand smoke. If any of these morons looked at the facts they might just learn something about second hand smoke. First off, second hand smoke has never been linked to one case of lung cancer ever. Never, not anywhere on earth. You see the EPA produced the original, and only second hand smoke article in 1993. One paper that’s it. That paper than was quickly found to contain false data and has since been discredited by the AMA. However, you never read about that. It’s all bullshit and if I am in a bar, damn it I expect smoke. So, please America stop passing anti-smoking legislation already and quit telling everyone how to live, which brings me to my next bitch.

Sin Taxes - The ultimate in bullshit is sin taxes. To have a special tax on beer and cigarettes is wholly unfair. If you are going to tax booze and cigarettes than we should also tax, SUV’s, soda pop, potato chips, cable TV, frozen pizza and hair spray. All of those things are not really necessary. There are alternatives to each product I mentioned. Also, all of those can place a burden on society. So why are Miller High Life and Newport’s getting a special tax and Doritos’s aren’t?

Body Odor – There is nothing worse or more revolting than some sweaty, stinky un-bathed human body odor. I can take rotting garbage, flatulence and stink bombs. What I cannot take is being next to somebody on the train or behind someone in line at the store who felt that they did not feel the need to bathe. The human body when not maintained properly omits an order that is beyond revolting. You can usually see them (or smell them) coming a mile away. They are overweight, wearing sweat pants which haven’t been washed since the Regan administration, their hair is as greasy as a Fasino’s pizza, and their fingernails have turned a nice shade of yellow. When I see them coming at me I run but usually I am to late and their funk has left me in a temporary state of repulsion.

Cheap Skates – There is noting worse than some rich asshole that tosses around nickels like they are manhole covers. There is an old saying you can’t take it with you and I often sit and wonder just what are these pricks holding onto their money for. You know the type, they come to a party and bring a six-pack of Old Milwaukee and wind up drinking all of your Heineken. They buy socks for Christmas and never pitch in when the bill comes. I guess rich people get rich by not wasting money and I guess that is why I will never be rich.

Sex and the City – This show simply blows. Now I am a man and maybe it’s just me but I never found this show funny. I did however find the four women in it very annoying. Let me get this straight, four women in their late thirties sitting around and moaning about how they aren’t getting laid enough and how their tits are starting to sag. And, people actually choose to watch this? The show is nothing but escapism, which is ok, but please save me all the how great the writing is on the show crap. This show is like nails on a chalkboard to me and is further proof while I will never understand women.