The Newlywed Shopping Game

Every married couple or for that matter any in couple in general will argue. It is inevitable. There are always going to be things that two people will have a difference of opinion on. My wife and I get along well enough but there is one place that will test the resolve of any relationship. That place is Ikea.

For those who do not know, (and if you don’t know about this place consider yourself lucky) Ikea is a gigantic housewares store located near Woodfield mall in Schaumberg. Its sheer existence is the first sign that the apocalypse is fast approaching. First off the store itself is bigger than some malls. It has three gigantic floors of lamps, silverware, coffee tables and dinner plates. All of them have pseudo yuppie Swedish names that are hard to pronounce. (It’s as horrendous as it sounds.) The merchandise is moderately priced which is why we shop there. They have a lot of cheap furniture that for a couple just starting out is perfect for.

They also excel in making shopping a baffling ordeal, which is what usually leads to the inevitable argument that Joyce, and I get into. The store is so crowded that they have a shuttle bus from one end of the parking lot that will take you to the front of the store. Then, if you want to buy a put together bookcase or something of the sort, you need to first go to the section it is in, write down the number of the bin it is located at with the special pencil and paper they give you, and then head down to the first floor, where the bins are and locate it. Then once you at long last have all of your merchandise, the line to check out is longer than the wait to get on the American Eagle at Great America.

All of this leads to me just losing my shit. First off, I am not a patient man. Second, I am not much of a shopper to begin with. Throw in that this is a housewares mega-store and the equation adds up to a meltdown in me that would make Bill Bixby proud. You see when I shop, I do what I call power shop. If I need a six-pack of underwear, I go to the section it is located, I pick it up, head to the checkouts and pay for it. I do not compare elasticity and do the quadratic formula to find out which underwear option is the greatest value. To me to save 5 cents is not worth the time. I also do not feel the need to browse either. If I came to get underwear, I get it and leave. I do not than go to the garden shop to look for hoses.

The problem comes in when I go with Joyce. She likes to browse and shopping to her is a hobby. To me it is a chore. Since Ikea is so huge and we don’t go there often, when we do go there it is a daylong event. The problem is that because so many of the items are heavier that Joyce wants to buy I need to go with her to pick them up and load them in my truck. I start off trying my best. I try to show an interest in napkin holders but eventually I can no longer fight the demon. I get claustrophobic and I feel the walls start to close in on me. I start to get angry and I can no longer concentrate on anything other than getting the hell out of that store. It’s funny, I could sit for hours at a bar watching a ball game but ask me to spend more than fifteen minutes in a mall and I turn into a mental patient.

So, when Joyce told me that we needed to go to Ikea yesterday, I was not thrilled. We did have to go get a special light bulb that no one else sells and some other miscellaneous merchandise. So, yesterday we made the trek out there. As usual the old traps were set. Joyce looking at every lamp in the place before picking the first one she looked at and spending a half hour looking at picture frames. However, I took it all in stride like a champ. For maybe the first time ever we went to Ikea, shopped, bought our good and made it home without an argument. Maybe we are growing as a couple. Or maybe we are too tired to argue or frivolous shit.