Women (Part 1 of Part 2)

The second woman in my life was Jenny. When I met her I was twenty years old. At this stage in my life, I was working at Kmart. I was chasing skirts and had dated on and off for some time with various women. At some point either they were not serious about me or I was not really serious about them. The usual would happen, I’d take them out a few times either get bored or get what I wanted and suddenly they didn’t seem as cool.

So, I played the field and was genuinely happy. Jenny worked at checkouts and in her own way was a beautiful girl. I hit on her from time to time and after talking to her found out she was three years younger than I was. Unlike with Nancy, I never thought for a million years that she would be my next relationship. However, she would eventually become someone who like Nancy played a huge part in making me the man I am today.

As I was hitting on her, I finally asked her out one day, as our flirtations were getting pretty obvious. She flatly denied. I was shocked. I was sure she dug me, so here I go and ask her out and she tells me no thanks. Nothing is more humiliating than getting rejected. For whatever reason this made me want to go out with her even more. I guess you only want what you can’t have. So I persisted. I would make sure to take my lunch when she did and keep up the offense. It was then that she told me she had a boyfriend. I usually respected this but, there was something about her that made me not be able to take no for an answer.

I’d give her a ride home from work now and then and continue to feel her out. Over the course of four to five months I kept on the offensive. So, one day we are working side by side after the store was closed and I was going to a party after work. I asked her if she wanted to come with me to the party and again, she flat out told me, no. I was perplexed. The more I looked at her, the prettier she got. She had these beautiful green eyes. She was shy, and really didn’t talk to anyone else in the store. But, I saw something in her. She didn’t dress provocatively or wear a lot of make up, which kind of hid her beauty. This continued to stoke the building fires within me.

I have to be honest though, I thought if I could get her to go out with me we could have some fun for a little while and I’d move on to greener pastures. I never thought she would become my girlfriend. I just wanted to add her to my growing list of conquests. (I was an ass at this point, but what twenty-year-old male isn’t.)

They say the third time is the charm and well, it finally looked like it was going to be for me. A couple of months passed after I asked her out for the second time and again we were stuck working together after the store closed. Finally, I said I want to take you out to a movie or something, just as friends no strings attached. At least give me a chance. She thought about it and finally agreed. I was happy, simply because I had won her over with shear persistence. It took me about a year to get her to agree to go out with me but I did it. Of course I said as friends knowing full well that when I had her with me I would make a move.

So, we agreed I would pick her up at her house on Thursday night. She then calls me on Wednesday to cancel. At this point with any other girl I probably would have told her to get bent and forgot about her but for some still unknown reason, I kept at her. I would like to tell you I really liked her or she was this drop dead gorgeous knockout. She wasn’t but she had this undeniable quality about her. I guess I saw that she was shy and introverted. However, she seemed to open up to me when I talked to her. It became more and more of a challenge to get her to smile but I could in fact make her do it and when she did, I felt this feeling of warmth come over me.

She was a challenge and I liked that. She made me work for her. She didn’t just give it up to me, it took me a while and I guess I kind of built her up in my mind the more work I put into her. It wasn’t easy and I had to swallow some pride. I mean who was this shy checkout girl to turn me down? I was Mr. Popular in the store, everyone knew me. I was the social coordinator and I was inviting her into that world and she wanted no part of it.

So, when she called me the night before our date to cancel, I was pissed. I talked to her on the phone and we talked and talked. We talked for about three hours when it was all said and done. I had never talked to someone that long in my entire life. We bonded on that call like we never did face to face. We talked about ourselves and learned about each other. We talked about life and what we liked and dis-liked. It was easy to talk to her and she opened up to me like she never had before while working with her. By the end of the conversation I had convinced her to keep our date for the next night.

I picked her up at her house in my 78 Chevy Nova. We went to the movie theater and we decided to go see Die Hard II. I was obvious she was nervous. I was trying to be as smooth as possible but her nervousness seemed to make me nervous. All of the sudden I was watching the movie as opposed to trying to make out with her. Normally my operation was to get about twenty minuets into a movie and grab a hand, then go for a kiss. With Jenny, though I knew she was different. She was not like all these other bimbo’s I was with before. She was special, that phone call had changed me. I guess right then and there even though I did not know it I felt like I had fell in love with her.

I had one eye on the screen and another on her. About half way through the movie I slowly reached for her hand and held it. It was like I was in sixth grade and holding a girls hand was a big deal. Somehow, though I knew I had to take it slow with her and ease her into things. We held hands the rest of the film and in thinking about it, it’s probably the last time holding hands with a girl meant something to me.

I drove her home and the whole time I was mentally preparing for the walk up to her door. I was determined to kiss her and I was sure she wanted me to. As I pulled into her driveway, before I could even shift the car into park she was out the door. She barely said goodbye or thanks for the movie. I was pissed, yet as much as I didn’t realize it I was gaining respect for her.

I went home and waited about an hour and then called her. In five minutes on the phone we talked more than we had the entire night we were together. I asked her why it was easier to talk to me on the phone as opposed to in person. She told me she felt more comfortable on the phone. I think it gave her some sort of security. To me she was a beautiful young woman, but like most teenage girls she had a very low self-image. She also was going through some tough personal things in her life.

Her mom and dad had divorced recently and her mom had just re-married. She was now forced to live with her mom and step-dad. Her step-dad was a very hard guy to please. Upon first meeting him I thought he was a total dick. Through the years, the guy grew on me to the point where I kind of warmed up to him but at that point I could see why she hated him.

Because of this she was forced to change schools her senior year. As someone who had a blast his senior year of high school I could not imagine trying to make a whole slew of new friends after being in another school for the last three years. On top of all of this she moved away from her first love of her life. Thus, I kind of got why she was shy and seemed to be depressed.

For some morbid reason this made me want her even more. I felt like I could be her knight and shining armor if I could make her happy. I didn’t realize that at that point in my life I just didn’t have it in me to be the guy to take her away from all this. I was too absorbed in my own shit to ever fully give myself to Jenny. In the end this is what cost me her. She loved me more than anything, and I took that love for me for granted.

However, in the beginning it started out like a fairy tale. After our first date we went out a couple of nights later after work had ended. This would be the night of our first kiss. We really had no agenda as we headed out for the evening. She asked if she could chauffer me around that night as opposed to me driving. She showed me the house she grew up in and her old school. I could tell she really missed her old friends and life. She was trusting me with a lot of personal information very soon in our relationship. I didn’t realize it at the time but this was going to make it much harder for me to do the typical Nick move and do what I want with her and then broom her.

As she went to drive me back to my car at Kmart I didn’t even think about the upcoming kiss. It was almost like I was seeing her as something more than a conquest. For the first time in my young life I saw a woman as something more than my personal plaything. She drove me to my car and she leaned over and we kissed, and kissed and then just for fun we kissed some more. When I kissed her, it was different. It was probably because it was not a crush, I in fact for the first time in my life cared about another person.

She had faults and I recognized them but I saw past them and saw the good inside of her. From that point on we were pretty much inseparable, at least for the next couple of months. I introduced her to my family which, I never usually did, and I in turn met her family. Before I knew it she was my girlfriend. It was not like in the old days were you would ask your best girl to wear your pin and go steady. She just slid into the role of my girlfriend and I was her boyfriend.

We had a couple months of bliss but eventually we started to fight. I have no idea what we fought about but it was usually about my perceived infidelity. I had a lot of friends. I also had a lot of friends of the female persuasion. Being seventeen and insecure about herself she was convinced I was cheating on her. It didn’t help that I had a reputation at work of being a player. She had heard some stories about me (most of which were true) and held on a little tight.

This only seemed to push me away more. I did love her, at least that is what I thought, but I was not the kind of guy to respond to her high-pressure tactics. I had my own ideas about our relationship. I truly and deeply cared for her. However, I was in my early twenties and still living my own life. I had no desire to be tied down. It seemed like the entire time I was with her I was looking for a way out. I always felt trapped. Little did I realize it, but I got to the point that I took Jenny for granted. I had never had someone love me so much. She was very needy but I guess I was to.

I had grown accustomed to her. Sure she had her faults and was a little crazy but I grew to the point where I depended on her. As time grew in our relationship I went from the one who was there for Jenny to her being there for me. There were many turning points in our relationship and many mistakes were made. In the end I blame our eventual breakup on myself and timing.

I guess there were three huge turning points in our relationship. The first was when I went away to school at De Paul. Now, De Paul was not that far away. It was about a half hour ride from where we lived. However, to Jenny it seemed like another country. She could no longer see me everyday. This only led to the mis-trust. She felt I was cheating on her and this caused her to rush into another man’s arms.

Scott was a “friend” of mine that worked at Kmart. We also played on the same softball team. I knew he had a thing for Jenny but I trusted her. I am not the jealous type and I thought Jenny loved me so much that she would never cheat on me. Scott took my absence to make his move on Jenny. Now, I was of course oblivious to all of this. By the time I found out about any of this information it was way too late to do anything about it. For her part, she tried to tell me she was unhappy and needed me but I tuned it out.

Later I would find out Scott was calling her and giving her rides. He eventually duped her and they fooled around one night. I was away at school so she could do this all behind my back. I should have seen the signs but I was young and stupid. Also, I was not entirely innocent myself. I was still hanging out with Nancy and I also hung out with this girl named Cindy. Jenny still loved me though and even after she fooled around with Scott she still came back to me. I however, was oblivious and getting more and more frustrated with her.

I was in my own world and I guess I got sick of her “clinging” behavior. Jenny was a very shy girl but in the time I was with her I started to see her come out of her shell. So, when she would continue to cling to me I would get pissed. When the two of us were alone together she was funny and charming. However as soon as strangers entered she claimed up. Not being the most patient person her whole act was getting a little old.

I came back from school that summer and started a job downtown. I finally started making some decent coin and could actually take Jenny out to nice places. My first year in college Jenny basically supported me. She paid my phone bill, bought me cloths, and when we did go out to eat she paid. I had no money coming in so if not for her I would not have survived. So, when I did start making some money I felt I owed her.

At this point things took an upturn in our relationship. I was back in town and I never saw Scott hanging around Jenny. Things were back to normal and we were back to our usual routine. Jenny began dropping hints that she wanted us to move in together. For some reason this scarred the living shit out of me. I tried to pretend it was that I could not afford it. The truth was that I did not want to make that big of a commitment to her.

I grew up around divorce and swore as a young person that I would never get married at a young age. I wanted to be at least thirty before I took the plunge. At that time in her life she loved me so much that she wanted me forever. We acted like we were married. We had a joint checking account and we were together every day. Even when I went back to school that semester we still saw each other more and more. I was really torn. I mean I felt at the time that I loved Jenny. However, I was still young. I was twenty-three and just could not see myself settling down. I also, still had my unresolved feelings for Nancy. On top of all that was this Cindy girl.

If you ask me today why I pursued Cindy I could not give you a reason. Jenny was prettier, funnier, nicer, and overall a much better human being. Jenny and Cindy hated each other. They both worked at Kmart and I sometimes think that the only reason Cindy had any interest in me was because I was with Jenny. Cindy was tall, had dark hair and dark eyes. She was not an ugly girl by any means but was not my type at all. I always liked petite girls and Cindy while very skinny was just a giraffe compared to Jenny.

I think the fact that Jenny hated her so much might have actually been a turn on to me. Every time I saw her or talked to her, I felt I was getting away with something. Cindy and I flirted a lot. We never really acted on it and Cindy eventually started dating another Kmart co-worker and friend of mine, Jeff. Yet, Cindy and I still flirted and even went out a couple of times. We didn’t do anything together immediately, but I am only human.

One night I invited Cindy over to my house to watch a movie. I knew I shouldn’t because Jenny could come over at any minute but I was a bit reckless. So, of course one thing leads to another and we start going at it. In retrospect, I was an asshole. I have no reason or no explanation for my actions. Maybe I got caught up in the moment. Maybe, I was doing this because I secretly wanted to break up with Jenny.

The next day I blew off Jenny and again went out with Cindy and again we were on each other like white on rice. Fortunately my good sense and conscience started to take over that night when I drove her home. I listened to her talk and as she was talking I asked myself why I was hurting Jenny for her? I mean sure I was attracted to her but I loved Jenny. Why was I blowing it? Maybe it is a self-destructive gene I have or maybe Jenny and I were never destined to last forever. What ever it was, at that point I woke up and as soon as I dropped off Cindy I made a beeline for Jenny’s. I didn’t tell her what had happened but I told myself I was going to treat her right from now on. Sadly, I would not keep that promise to myself (Too be continued on Monday)