Women (Part 2 of Part 2)

My relationship with Jenny was always a yo-yo. I had the highest of highs and lowest of lows. After the Cindy fiasco, Jenny and I would continue on the path of breakup-makeup. The second big turning point in our relationship came at this point in time around sweetest day 1992. We had been going out over two years and while we were both young, we were felt like we were in love. At the mall one day Jenny was looking at these shoes and at the time did not have the money to buy them. She probably didn’t think twice about it.

However, I made a mental note. I knew that the pseudo holiday, Sweetest Day was coming up and I figured that I would surprise her by buying her a gift she really wanted. I never bought her anything like cloths so, I figured it would delight her that I cared enough to remember what she wanted and I would take the time to go back and purchase it. So, as the day approached I kind of hinted that I got her a really special gift. She took this to believe that I got her a ring. Buying a ring for her at this point was beyond not only any financial means but was the furthest thing from my mind. (It just proves just how different of pages we were on.) So when Sweetest Day came and she opened the box to see a pair of shoes she had this weird look on her face. Not knowing what the hell she was thinking I was puzzled.

I expected her to throw her arms around me and confess her never-ending love for me. Instead, I got a half assed gee thanks. This only seemed to piss me off as I thought I wasn’t getting the recognition I deserved. I was so selfish and so in my own world that I never saw the hurt in her eyes. I would not realize the pain I caused until much later when it was too late to do anything about it.

The third big and would turn out to be final turning point would come in the spring of 93. An acquaintance of mine Todd was having a twenty first-birthday party. Todd was going out with this girl Mary at the time and Mary was best friends with Cindy. So, of course there was no way Jenny was going to want to go to this party. The problem was that all of my friends were going and I really wanted to go as well. Then, Cindy calls me and asks if I want to go with her.

Deep down I knew I should have just hung up the phone on her. However, my self-destructive gene kicked in yet again and I told her I would go with her. Looking back, at all the bad decisions I’ve made in relationships in my life going to that party with her would have to go down as one of the worst decisions I ever made. I guess I figured I was bullet proof.

On top of all of that I had really started to take Jenny for granted. Sometimes the worst thing you can do is get comfortable in a relationship. I was very comfortable. Jenny wrote me letter after letter declaring her undying love for me. I remember she bought me this necklace that she made me wear that said, “I’ll never stop loving you.” I bought into my own shit and paid for it. In retrospect I am not sad I lost her. We were doomed and no matter what we were bound to break up. We were so not right for each other. The regret I have is that I hurt her.

I told Jenny on that faithful night that I was going out with my friends, which was a half-truth. I had told her that all my friends had decided to skip the party and we were going out to a bar, which was a convenient lie as I was over twenty-one and Jenny was not. It was easy to get away with such things when I had the bar excuse. Cindy and I went to the party danced a couple of times and that was it. I didn’t kiss her or anything like that. I went home called Jenny and everything seemed fine. What I didn’t know was that my so-called friend Scott was about to break the ultimate guy code rule and rat me out to Jenny.

I want to be perfectly clear that I don’t blame Scott for the breakup of Jenny and me. That would be the easy way out and too convenient. I went to the party with Cindy. I lied to Jenny and thus I have only myself to blame. However, with that said, Scott really fucked me over. It is an unwritten rule that you never date you friend’s ex-girlfriend. Now, Scott and I were not best buddies or anything like that. However, we did work together, we played on the same softball team and we were friends in that type of environment. There are a million women out there and he had no reason to ever go after Jenny.

Another rule is that you should never blab to a girlfriend about your friend’s behavior. At the time not having known about Scott and Jenny hooking up months before, I trusted Scott when he asked me if I went to Todd’s party. I told him the truth that I went with Cindy and gave him a run down of the lame events. Nothing really happened between us and the party, as a whole was pretty weak.

What I did not expect was for Scott to go run and tell Jenny everything. I will never forget that call I got the next day at work. Jenny called me and basically was so pissed she broke up with me right over the phone. I was in the ultimate defense mode. I begged and pleaded and convinced her to give me another chance but it was too late. I think she just stopped giving a shit and got sick of my bullshit.

I talked her into taking me back but her heart was not in it. I tried but I never got the sense that she was into me anymore. I diluted myself into believing she was but the magic was gone. What I did not know was that she was fooling around with Scott behind my back. I knew she was spending time with him even though I forbid her from seeing him. However, she told me the same bullshit over and over that there was nothing going on between them. Because I wanted to believe her I bought it.

After dating for over four years and trying to find every way in the world to not get tied down to her at the end I finally got it. I realized that I did in fact treat her like crap and that I was not the best boyfriend to her. This guilt made me want to right my past behaviors. Or maybe it had to do with the fact that you never realize just how much someone means to you until you no longer have them. As hard as I tried to recapture the magic it was a lost cause.

The end came on of all days Valentine’s Day. We were boyfriend and girlfriend in name only at this point. For whatever reason even though she was clearly in love with Scott, she could not break up with me. I guess she didn’t want to hurt me. I had to be the one to find out the truth and end it. She had to work that night and very often when she worked nights I would pick her up as I did not like her walking through a dark parking lot alone. I had borrowed her car and was waiting for her to exit the store. (She was still at K-mart at this point.)

I was bored so I started going through the glove compartment of her car when I ran across this notebook. Not knowing it was basically a diary I opened it up to find out all the secrets she was keeping from me. I had my worst fears realized when I read that she had in fact been sleeping with Scott. Anger and hurt set in. I could not for the life of me believe what I was reading.

I remember I had bought her a cd for Valentine’s Day and had already wrapped it. For some reason I waited to get home to confront her on everything. I got to my house and gave her the gift, which she opened. She thanked me and then I asked her point blank, if she was sleeping with Scott. She denied it once again and I asked her if she was sure about that answer. She could tell I had some information, (though I am sure she had no idea how I found out) and she broke down and confessed everything. I was shattered.

For the first time in my life I was being the one hurt in a relationship. I was always the one who was doing the hurting, I never received any. I didn’t know how to handle it however, for as mad as I was at her, I still had feelings for her. As angry as I was I could not force myself to hate her. So, I instead heaped all of that hatred on Scott, which he deserved.

I must say all of these years later that Scott and I have buried the hatchet. It was a long time ago and I think Scott kind of fells bad for what happened. With that said, at the time I wanted to kill him. I mean that with all sincerity. I am Italian and getting revenge is in my blood. I had Scott immediately kicked off the softball team. I then went about thinking exactly what I was going to do to get even with him.

It was then when Jenny came in and begged me not to go after him. I felt it was inevitable that Scott and I would duke it out. I found it interesting she was asking me to be the bigger man but when she asked I obliged. I think I felt that she would have her fling with Scott and he would hurt her and she would come crawling back to me. Boy, was I wrong about that. She had moved on and sadly for awhile there, I did not.

We tried being friends with very mixed results. Being friends with an ex-girlfriend is always a risky proposition and my friendship with her almost cost me my relationship with my then girlfriend and current wife. It took me longer to get over Jenny than I could ever imagine, but I did it. It was not easy and because of that relationship I became a better person. I no longer was an ass to women. I respected them and was not as quick to use them.

Of course no break up is clean and Jenny and I had two brief flare-ups of passion. The first was just a few months after our breakup. I had already bought tickets to a hockey game when I was still dating Jenny for late March and at this point we were still trying to be friends. She was now dating Scott and I wanted her in my life even if only as a friend.

So, she agreed to live up to her commitment and accompany me to the game. I picked her up and we went to the game and all was well. We had a good evening and I drove her home. I went in to talk with her Mom and maybe watch some TV before I left. At least that is what I told myself. I was really going in because I did not want that night to end. Jenny went to use the bathroom and I was in her room and I saw that same damn notebook that had been the cause of so much scorn.

I knew I shouldn’t have opened it but again, curiosity and stupidity made me peek inside. It was at this point I read about an incident where Scott slapped Jenny. This threw me into a vengeful rage that made me want to kill the guy. I cornered her and after much badgering she finally copped to the incident. It was at this point I had one destination in mind and that was Scott’s house to basically pound him. I was so full of anger that pure adrenaline alone would have caused me to be charged with battery. At the very least I was going to cause him bodily harm. I had a softball bat in my trunk and I was hell bent on using it.

Of course I did not mention this to Jenny, as I was about to leave. Her mom overheard the whole fight and being as she was not Scott’s biggest fan to begin with was yelling at her as well. It was at this point that Jenny stormed out of the house and proceeded to walk to Scott’s. I followed after her and basically picked her up and carried her into my car.

She yelled at me to drive her to Scott’s, which was fine with me as I had murderous revenge on my mind anyway. On the way there, I decided to stop at a store to basically buy either a knife or some other weapon to exact my revenge. I told none of this to Jenny. As I pulled into the parking lot she screamed at me and asked `what I was doing. I told her to stay in the car and that I would be right back. I left the car running and as soon as I exited she drove off leaving me behind.

I was then left to walk to Scott’s house (which was at least a mile away) and with every step my anger grew more and more. Jenny getting slapped by this asshole and then running to him as her salvation was just more than I could take. It dawned on me in that fit of rage that if she wanted the asshole she could have him. The fact that she let me walk all that way was the last in many straws. I felt if she cared that little about my well being after how much I cared about her was enough. I was going there to pick up my car and be done with her.

When I got there Scott was there waiting for me. We exchanged some words and then I left. Looking back, I was so hurt and pissed that I didn’t care anymore. Jenny had crossed that line and I was no longer interested in being her doormat. If Scott wanted her and her bullshit he could have her.

The next day much to my surprise, she called and I was still pretty pissed. I mentioned she had some cd’s of mine that I wanted back and that after I got them I never wanted to see her again. She told me to come over and get them. I arranged to pick them up the next day and went to her house.

When I got there she was the only one home and she had everything ready for me. I picked up my belongings and without even saying goodbye went to the door. She followed after me and asked if that was it. I said yes. She then apologized for her actions but I wasn’t having any of it. I truly didn’t give a shit anymore. It was at this point she went to hug me and I pushed her away. She then went to kiss me. I resisted as much as I could but hey I still wanted her.

I kissed her back and we went into her room where things got more heated. It was both beautiful and tragic. In the moment it was amazing. Passion, heat, unbridled urges finally boiling over . When the moment was over though I felt strange. Sure, I wanted her back and maybe if I had followed up on the moment we might have gotten back together. However, it felt like an ending to a story. As strange as this may sound for the first time I felt that she really was no longer in love with me. Her heart belonged to someone else and as much as it might have hurt at the time I had closure. I was going to let her be with Scott and not interfere.

As time would go by Jenny and I would remain friends. Sure, there were some unresolved feelings and we had some arguments but for the most part we seemed to get along. The second flare up was much milder. It would be the fall of 96 at this point. I had started dating another girl and Jenny was still with Scott. Jenny and I were still friends and as pure luck would have it lived about a block from each other. So, we would see each other quite often and were on pretty good terms. Then one day she was over at my apartment and we kissed.

It was cool and another couple of days later we kissed again this time in the parking lot of a department store. Maybe, she did still have feelings for me or maybe she wanted to make sure that she didn’t have any left over yearning. At the time I wanted to use those kisses to get back together, and she would have none of it. Other than the Nancy debacle, Jenny would be the only other woman to jettison me. I was quite good at breaking up with woman but when it came to be rejected myself, I sucked at it.

I guess in some way that is why I would always breakup with girlfriends first. Thus, I could handle the breakup on my terms. It also explains why it took me so long to commit to any one woman. I never wanted to commit and when I really did for the first time in my life, with Jenny she hurt me big time. She would screw me up so bad that I lost my mind for a couple of years and dated my next girlfriend, Kim.

With that said looking back I hope she is happy. We were young and both made some mistakes. I learned some valuable lessons and without learning them I would not be who I am today. Getting over her was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. Looking back I realize that just like with Nancy I romanticized Jenny and our relationship. I tend to remember the good and block out the bad. We had a good run and I am better person for having had Jenny in my life. Time always gives any relationship perspective and looking back we were very different and had different ways at looking at the world. There is no way that we had ever lasted had we got married. We just fought too much and we wanted very different things out of life.