Bad Wedding Songs

I have been to a lot of weddings in my day. Because of that, I have heard a lot of bad songs being warbled out by the old wedding DJ’s. I admit that I have a bad habit of taking music way too seriously. With that said, here is a list of songs I never want to hear at a wedding ever again or the world is in danger of Nick going postal.

Love Shack – You know I really don’t hate this song. I don’t particularly like it either. But for some reason it has become a song that I hear a whole lot at weddings. Which has caused me to grimace every time I hear it. The sad thing is Rock Lobster is a much better B52’s record.

Everything I do, I do it for you – If there is a lamer or more maudlin song I don’t know what it is. Any man, women or child that hears this song and thinks it should be played at a wedding to show how someone feels about someone else is a sick motherfucker. Bryan Adams should have never gotten that old six string in the Summer of 69. Just think we wouldn’t have had to put up with his polluting of the airwaves.

Proud Mary – Don’t hear this one much anymore but back in the day you couldn’t go to a wedding without it being played. It was as common at a wedding as binge drinking and sex with an anonymous Bride’s Maid. If for some reason in 2007 you think it is a good idea to play this song at a wedding, then you really need to retire that CCR cassette that you have in your 8 track and at least listen to music from the Carter administration.

Strokin – This Clarence Carter “classic” has been a bad wedding song forever. I do not understand why. It is a boring song that has the same dance beat throughout and it lasts forever. I think because it has the word strokin in the title it reminds people of masturbation. What this has to do with doing the Rodger Rabbit at a wedding I don’t know. No matter, this song needs to be retired.

Cha Cha Slide – Some battles you lose in life. This is the one song from this list that was played at my wedding. My wife insisted over my vehement objections. I have a rule, I refuse to dance to songs that give me directions. When I am shaking my money maker, I need to free form. Not robotically slide to the left with the other drones when the record tells me to do so. Sorry, this song is not creative, is un-original and stands for everything that is wrong with America. (No I am not kidding.)

Wonderful Tonight – Listen I love Eric Clapton as much as the next guy. But how many couples have used this as their first dance in the last twenty years? If I have to sit through one more couple swaying to this song as everyone pretends to think it is meaningful, I will vomit.

The Macarena – Really there is no bigger crime in this world then for allowing this “song” to be played at your wedding. Seriously, if your DJ even thinks about it, don’t pay him. Cancel the check. It is just a bad, bad song that hasn’t been popular in ten years. So, why in God’s green earth would anyone even think about playing this at their wedding? Still, from time to time I hear it at weddings and I shake my head in disbelief. Thank God for Vodka at weddings.

Boot Scoot Boogie - You want to know if you are a redneck, you douche bags? Play this abortion of a song at your wedding. Lame, white, boring, line dance inducing banality, at its finest.

Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy – Words escape me for this song. I hear it and I see red. If there has been a worse song recorded in the last fifty years I defy you to tell me what it is. There are so many things about this record that anger me that I can not even begin to list them. I am personally offended that this song sold even one copy. Big and Rich (by the way what an original and well thought out name for your fucking shitty country band) need to be brought up on charges for releasing this travesty.

YMCA – Oh for the love of God. The ultimate in bad disco of which there is a bunch to pick from. Listen every genre has good and bad, even disco. (I dare you to listen to Last Dance by Donna Summer and not fight every urge in your body to get up and move your ass.) But for every good disco song there are 100 bad ones. This might be the worst of the lot. How this song made a comeback in the mid 90’s I will never understand. It needs to go back to that rock it was hiding under in the 80’s.

The Time of My Life – Nobody puts Baby in a corner. If you want to put Nick in the corner of your wedding reception by the bar, well just play this song. Dirty Dancing might be the silliest movie to ever gross 100 million dollars. Which wouldn’t bother me but, for some reason its bad soundtrack has had this unwarranted staying power. So, I go to weddings and some lame bride thinks she is Jennifer Grey out there and lamely and without rhythm “dances” with her new groom to this. Dear God, is there anything more unoriginal?