Some Xmas Bitching

As any one who knows me, can attest I am not the biggest fan of Christmas. There are many things about this holiday that annoy the crap out of me. I know I sound like a whiney bitch when I go off on the season. Still, I can’t help it because this merriment is force fed down your throat whether you like it or not. So, here is my top ten list of things I hate about Christmas in no particular order.

Christmas Music – I would say the good Christmas songs in proportion to the bad ones are like 1 in twenty which is about a 5% ratio. Most Christmas music really sucks and that is putting it mildly. I mean seriously how many times can you hear the little drummer boy before you become a diabetic? If I have to hear how Brenda Lee wants to rock around the Christmas tree one more time, I am going to take some rocks and stone her. It does not help that every December when I worked at K Mart they played the same tape on a loop, with the same songs. It was akin to Chinese water torture.

It starts earlier every year – You know did I really need to see Christmas trees up in Carson’s in August this year? You think I am kidding but sadly I am not. The problem with this practice is that it takes away from Halloween and Thanksgiving. Also, by starting the merriment so early, it takes away from the sprit of the holiday. It is spoon fed down your throat at such an early date that by the time the Holiday actually arrives you are so sick of it you want to vomit. The Christmas season starts the day after Thanksgiving. There should be an amendment added to the Constitution declaring so.

Christmas carolers and musicians in the Loop – You can’t walk into an office building in downtown Chicago without some lame string quartet or pack of carolers warbling out some lame Christmas jams. It is bad enough we are forced to hear this shit on the radio, in elevators, in department stores, or as I had to in my dentist’s office. Do I have to be subjected to it every time I step into an office building in the Loop? I swear, imagine not having any family around this time. It is no wonder there are so many suicides this time of the year. You can not escape Ho Ho’ers.

Traffic - I don’t care where you are going there is increased traffic. I basically pretend Orland doesn’t exist in December because there is no way on God’s green earth I am going to try to navigate through La Grange road. You are taking your life into your own hands. Sure, I like the Marcus Cinema in Orland, but there is no fucking way I am going to try to go through the stress of trying to navigate my way through traffic. Anyone that does has some serious self destruction issues.

A special holiday episode of Blossom (or any lame TV Show) – Has there ever been a good Christmas episode of a TV show? Okay, I know there have been a couple, (like last years Christmas episode of the Office) but the vast majority of them suck big old gray and smelly balls. They are about as predictable as color by numbers. They all take off from the same premise, which is forged from a Christmas Carol. One character is being scrooge like and all of the sudden some event takes place to remind him or her of the magic of the season. Pass me the vomit bag. Beer farts have more originality.

The misconception that the holiday brings out the best in people – Of all the fallacies and bullshit that is perpetrated during the season there is no bigger pile of crap then this statement. Let me be the first to tell you I have seen up close and personal what the holiday stress can do to people and it aint pretty. Again, I now I am jaded from 7 years of working a Kmart Christmas. And I know I should just get over it as I quit there in 1994. Still, those wounds are deep. The abhorrent behavior I saw was life changing. The rude, mean spirited, and asshole-ish things I witnessed with my own two eyes will take any Christmas sprit one may have had and crush it. I have too many stories to pick just one. Just read some of my previous years Xmas posts and you will get the idea.

Office Christmas Parties – Really, what is the point. They get lamer and lamer every year. What usually happens is they force some bad buffet food at you consisting of cold chicken, bland beef and over-cooked out of a can mostacholi. Then, you are forced to interact with co-workers who you have zero in common with. Listen, I realize I sound about as anti-social as one can get but, really I don’t have anything in common with most of the people I work with. So, I am then forced to hear their boring stories and answer the same questions about what I am doing for Christmas over and over. Instead of buying everyone a bad lunch how about throwing us a bonus check or hell a gift card to Subway where I can eat something I want with people I want to spend time with.

Christmas commercials – If you based life on Christmas commercials you would feel like a slug unless you went out and bought your wife a new car. With Tivo and a remote control in my hand it is rare that I watch commercials but sometimes, you are in a situation where you are forced to. As bad as they are the other eleven months of the year, around Christmastime they get even worse. I swear the advertising business must be run by the Catholic Church there is so much guilt. Be it a Zales, asking you to show her how much you love her with a diamond or Lexus setting the bar at an unreasonable level with surprising her with a new car, advertisers create a atmosphere where if you buy anything less you are basically a cheapskate.

Candy Canes – In reality most Christmas candy is shit. Candy Canes are the worst offenders. If I wanted a breath mint, I would just pop one in. Then again I could instead just suck on a phallic sugary peppermint stick for an hour.

Shopping – I don’t mean just Christmas shopping though that is bad enough. I think I would rather suffer through a self inflicted knife wound then hit the malls in December. No, I am talking about any shopping. Even buying some groceries at your local Jewel becomes a royal pain in the ass. People are busy getting their supplies for a Christmas dinner when all I want to do is buy my milk and bread and get the fuck out of there. Even Walgreen’s becomes a nightmare. I was at work the other day when I dashed out to make what I thought would be a quick Wag’s run to buy a snack. In front of me was an old bag that had a cart full of bullshit. As bows and tissue paper was being rung up, I knew I was in hell. I eventually said fuck it, you can’t fight it.

Now, I know what people are thinking, what the fuck do you have to bitch about. I know how lucky I am to have family and friends that actually enjoy spending time with me during the holidays. I do not need to be reminded of that. With that said on December 26^th I will be a very happy man. Anyway, to everyone who reads this, have a Merry Christmas if you choose to. I know all I need is a couple of Miller High Life’s and I myself will be full of barley, hops and artificial liquid Christmas cheer