Pimped Out

The following is part five in a series of blog's celebrating my 20 years in the work force. Each Thursday, I will update this site with the latest installment.

After IRI, I did something really crazy; I decided to become a consultant. Being a consultant is a little like being a hooker. You work for a consulting company (The pimp) and they trick you out to whomever likes you. Then the consulting company gets a percentage of your pay for all of my hard work.

I worked for this consulting company called Selectech. In my two and a half years there they would change names three times. My pimp was this really cool guy named Mark. While he was the ultimate salesman he was true to his word and always hooked me with a new gig when I needed one.

My first gig was a three-month contract at Van Kampen. Those would be three of the longest months of my life. This company was by far the worst I ever worked at. I could harp on their technology being behind the times and pointless shit like that but that is not what made it the hell it was.

First off, you had a lot of lifers there. People, who had been working there since the Eisenhower administration and wanted no part of a newcomer. Especially, someone new who was only a lowly consultant. I was treated like the red headed stepchild. Everyone felt that they could boss me around, which meant that I was going in ten different directions. Plus, I missed working downtown. Working in Oakbrook was horrible. My lunch choices were McDonalds, Wendy’s or a Denny’s. After those three months I went to Mark and asked him to get me the hell out of there.

My next spot was at Monsanto. Monsanto had three companies under its umbrella. NutraSweet, Searle Pharmaceuticals and Benevia Foods. I would work for all three at some point. I stayed with Monsanto from March of 97 until June of 98. I started at NutraSweet. It was in Deerfield, which is a long ass drive from my house. It was cool in that the place was dead as the building was empting out. Because of that after three months I was moved to Searle.

Searle was in Skokie. I put the bulk of my Monsanto time in there. Skokie was also a haul but by this time I was living a little closer. It was a pharmaceutical company, which means I had really sold my soul to the devil. It was located in a huge complex and I supported doctors for the first time in my life. I still missed working downtown though and Benevia Foods was located in the loop so my entire tenure at Searle I spent angling to get in at Benevia.

After nine months at Searle I got my wish and got a transfer back downtown to Benevia. Benevia was great. We had a pool table, a bocce ball court, a full work out facility, a large conference room with a big screen and cable, a fully loaded refrigerator with all the food we wanted, and last but not least nap rooms with hammocks. It was right out of that Hank Scorpio Simpson’s episode. At Benevia I was as happy as Dom Delouse at a Chinese buffet. I thought I had finally found my dream job. I had it all. No pushy boss, a light call volume, cool co-workers, a great location and a frickin pool table. I actually liked going to work. I didn’t miss one day the entire time I was there. Again, it would not last.

It was in the rumor mill for weeks that Monsanto was pursuing outsourcing its IT area to IBM, and then one day the shoe dropped and it was announced all IT support would be handled by IBM. They came in and dictated everything showing absolutely no ability to be flexible. IBM’s motto was we want the best and brightest people to work for us. What it should have been is we want the easiest manipulated and brainwashed. It was either do things Big Blue’s way or hit the fucking road. We had a good and efficient system that worked and no one complained about it. They replaced it with a non-sensical, unintelligent one where complaints grew so loud the company tried to wiggle out of the deal. It had signed a ten-year contract. After one year of IBM’s nonsense they tried to get out of it. The way the deal was signed Monsanto would have had to pay IBM ten years of expected profits from the contract. They were up shit creek and were treading fecal matter. Of the thirty-five people that IBM inherited exactly one took their shit for more than six months.

So, I again called my pimp to get me out of there. By this time my consulting company was called DPRC. I had a new pimp named Michelle. She was pretty cool and she worked her magic and got me in at Harris Bank. I consulted there for a year and they eventually hired me on full time.

Looking back at my consulting years, I guess they were not all bad. I never got a vacation and if I wanted to call in, I didn’t get paid. On the other hand, I was well compensated and I learned a hell of a lot. I worked in so many different environments that I had to learn on the fly many times. I had to adapt to change and different co-workers all the time. But, after two and a half years I was ready to find a permanent home. I needed a vacation and some financial security. At the bank I would get that, and I would have never been hired at Harris if I never consulted. Of course at Harris, I would get screwed in a whole new way.