First Bitch of 2006

Chocolate Chips in Oatmeal Cookies – If I wanted a chocolate chip cookie that is what I would have bought. I realize I am in the vast minority but I prefer oatmeal cookies to chocolate chip. So, when I buy them I don’t need to have that chocolate in them. I realize the rest of the world likes chocolate chips but when I am eating my boring oatmeal cookie please leave them alone and stop trying to make them more public friendly.

Chatty Cashiers – I harp on cashiers a lot and basically I do so because they give me a lot of fodder. I realize it is a mundane and boring job and you are stuck doing it all day. However quit trying to get into some inane conversation about the weather or the products I am buying. A simple hello and thank you is all that is needed in our conversation. Also, by getting into these boring, meaningless conversations inevitability the cashier slows down and is not ringing up the groceries at an optimal level. I want to get in and out of that line as fast as possible and I want to do so without talking about that bar of soap I just bought.

The term Yummy – I will forgive anyone under the age of ten however, if you are older then that you need to retire this adjective. If something tastes good, there are many ways you can express that without talking like an infant. If your vocabulary palate is so barren that you cannot think of anything else to say to describe how something tastes then, please refrain from giving us your opinion at all.

Desperate Housewives – At least the title lets us know just who is attracted to this soap opera. I would love to know what neighborhood these dames live in. I mean my neighbors don’t look anything like Terry Hatcher or Nicollette Sheridan. This show is one in a long line of over-hyped, brain cell wasting, banality that for some reason America enjoys. It took me all of ten minutes of watching this crap to realize that it was an abomination that looks at it’s viewers as single IQ dolts. All you need to know about what is wrong with America is that this show gets great ratings while Arrested Devlopment gets cancelled.

Flavored Coffee – If you want Hot Chocolate then just order that. Listen, I stopped drinking coffee years ago because it upset my stomach and I could not handle that 10 AM bathroom cleansing. But when I did drink coffee I drank, coffee. Not, hazel nut, maple, vanilla, and mocha sugar. If you don’t like the taste of coffee that much that you need to add two tablespoons of sugar and them pour some flavored cream into it then maybe you should try something else. Hot chocolate is sweet and if that is what you want then by all means just order that and be done with it.

Jessica Simpson – Another in a long, long line of Lolita’s that have an IQ of ten, and falls back on thier young and perky breasts to sell records as opposed to depending on talent. I will never understand why America gives a shit what some dimwitted blonde has to say. Her records suck, she can’t act and as far as I can tell, this tramp has no redeeming qualities. Hopefully in ten years she will be on Skating With The Stars with all the other has been celebrities.

High Beam Drivers – Just a memo to all motorists out there. It is not cool to drive with your high-beams on for an extended period of time. You see when you do so you are blinding all of us drivers who are going in the opposite direction. So, if you have a headlight out you might want to get off your lazy ass, get to Pep Boys, spend the five bucks, and take the two minutes to replace it. As opposed to causing the rest of us to become temporally blinded, which can be a hazard when operating a two-ton vehicle.

Public Nail Clipping – It is sad that I even have to mention this one, but alas I do. Just for the record it is not cool to cut your nails in public. You see when you do this, the result is that the byproduct tends to fly around and you are leaving them to be picked up by someone else. Cutting finger nails is bad enough but if you are actually taking off your shoe’s and socks in public and cutting your yellowing toe nails not only is that disgusting, it is barbaric. It should be an arrestable offense. If smoking in public is wrong so is this animal like behavior.

Chain Letter E-mails – I hate to tell people this but just by sending on an e-mail with three wishes on them, will not make it come true. You see e-mails are stored on servers. These servers have hard drives. Hard drives are not infinite, they have size restrictions. Therefore, by sending needless, pointless, hokey e-mails you are wasting not only any sane readers time but also money. So the next time you complain that your DSL bill went up instead of bitching about it, why not delete those chain letters and stop forwarding them on to the rest of us.