Women (Part 1 of Part 4)

In my next relationship I finally got it right but it was not without a struggle. In the end it would all be worth it. I met my wife in July of 1998. It would be my first day at Harris Bank. I was a contractor and was assigned to work on the Y2K project. On my first day I was informed there would be a team meeting where I would be meeting my teammates. One by one they walked in. When Jocelyn walked in I took notice.

She was Asian, Filipino to be exact. She had a beautiful smile and these incredible eyes. I looked at her and was instantly attracted to her. She flashed a smile and to this day everytime she flashes that same smile, my heart just melts. She says now that she knew I was checking her out but, I have my doubts. I soon hatched a plan to try and get to know her and see if I could weasel my way into dating her.

Either by luck or by destiny, I am still not sure, I was still living in my apartment in the north burbs. I would be moving in two weeks but for those two weeks I would be taking the same train with Jocelyn. So, I used that time to talk to and get to know her. One of the first things I learned about women is to listen to them. You would be surprised, but by showing some interest in what they are saying can go a long way. I would ask her open-ended questions and we were hitting it off.

It was obvious we liked each other but as usual there were obstacles. First off, I was moving back to the south burbs. At that time she knew nothing about the area south of Madison. Second, I had just freed myself from the lunacy of Kim. The last thing I wanted to do was have another girlfriend. I wanted to be single for a while. The grass is always greener on the other side and after having a serious girlfriend, (the first one in my life I was faithful with.) I needed to get back into the scene.

The third obstacle, believe it or not were my still unresolved feelings for Jenny. I never really had closure with her and in some deep down warped way I still felt that I might end up with her. The whole time she was still with Scott. In fact they had gotten engaged. I was torn when she told me that news. On the one hand I was happy for her. She deserved to be happy and even though I still did not think Scott was the one to bring her this happiness, it is what she wanted. Also, I knew if she was married it would close the book on ever being with her again. It would be like when Nancy moved away.

On the other hand, I still was carrying my heart on my sleeve and I wanted her back. I guess I felt no one could make her happy but me and she just didn’t realize it. The more I saw her the more I wanted her. It did not help that I was spending more and more time with her. Once, I broke up with Kim, I started hanging out with Jenny again. We were just friends and I reasoned that I would rather have her as a friend than nothing at all. Jocelyn was pretty smart and realized that I might still have feelings for Jenny. It was obvious and she was not about to get involved with someone who was still pinning over his ex-girlfriend.

Yet, another obstacle was that we did in fact work together. I have always had bad luck with work relationships and I knew that if I pursued Jocelyn it might cause some problems. Fortunately, she was an intern at the time and was looking for a new job. I figured I would not ask her out until she did in fact move on to greener pastures. As luck would have it she would not leave Harris until Jan. of 99 and by that time we were already dating.

The last obstacle was that Jocelyn did in fact have a boyfriend. One, who she had been dating for a couple of years. However, I could sense that she was not happy in that relationship. I wanted to wait for her to breakup with her boyfriend first before I made my move. So, I bided my time the best I could the whole time flirting with her and making it pretty obvious that I did in fact dig her.

The sexual tension between us at work was both exhilarating and frustrating. A couple of guys I worked with kept badgering me to go for it but I told them I needed to do things my own way. I had a card game at my new apartment once I moved back to the south burbs and invited Jocelyn. She did come by and we played it like it was nothing. Then, we started going to lunch together every day still pretending nothing was going on. I was determined not to make the first move with her no matter what, until the time was right.

Then sometime in September of 98, we had to work on a Saturday. I had gone out the night before and was pretty hung over. All I wanted to do was make it through the day and go home and crash. We were finally let out and Jocelyn asked me if I could give her a ride home. I was tired and beat and she lived all the way in Rodgers Park but, I didn’t want to say no to her and let her think I wasn’t interested. So, I drove her home and as I get to her apartment she asks me if I want to come in. Normally, of course I would have but I was in no condition to be flirtatious or playful. I just needed to get some sleep. As politely as I could I told her I had to get home. She then asked me if I wanted her to cut my hair as I had kidded her about it all the time at work after finding out she used to cut hair and again I politely told her no thanks.

Here she was all but begging me to come in but I just couldn’t. It had nothing to do with Jenny or me not being attracted to her. I just did not have the energy to do so. As I drove home I was pissed at myself but knew I was powerless to do anything about it.

We finally acted on our flirtations a couple of weeks later. Jocelyn was having an issue with her new computer she bought. I told her I could fix it and she brought it over to my house and I worked on it for about a half hour and eventually got it working. After I got it working, I asked if she wanted to catch a film or something. We went to see Urban Legends on our first “date.” Of course I was still being careful, as I did not want to come on to strong basically because we worked together. I wanted to wait but on the other hand I didn’t want to miss my chance.

At the end of our first date I was a perfect gentleman. Nothing happened that night but it soon would. A couple of weeks later I went to Jocelyn’s house and we went out to a bar, had some drinks and inhibitions were lowered. It was that night when we would first kiss. From the moment I first kissed her I knew she was going to be different. I instantly felt a connection with her. I mean I had kissed a lot of girls in my time but with Jocelyn, I got that special feeling that only comes along once. So, after are first kiss we hit the ground running from that point.

Sometimes you just know. Like I said, when I kissed her it just felt right. Jocelyn quickly broke up with her boyfriend and I was pretty happy that I had her as my girlfriend. We seemed to be very good together and in the first month’s things were going pretty good between us. Then I would be faced with a major test. One that I passed, but one that could have changed the course of my life forever.

I had just started dating Jocelyn when Jenny called me out of the blue. She told me that her and Scott had broken up and wanted to know if she could come live with me. I had just started to put my feelings for Jenny out of my mind when I starting going out with Jocelyn and here Jenny goes and asks me to move in. I knew if I said yes that it would be the end of my relationship with Jocelyn. I also knew that inevitably Jenny and I would probably get back together. I don’t know what her mind frame was but I certainly would not have been able as much as I may have tried to live with Jenny without something happening. I mean we are only human.

I had about twenty seconds to come up with an answer and I went with my heart and told her as much as I would like to help her, I just started going out with Jocelyn and I didn’t think it would be right if she moved in with me just starting out in a new relationship. I am sure Jenny was mad that I told her no, considering I always told her that I would always be there for her. Which at the time I said it, I meant. If she would have had nowhere else to go I might have let her stay on a temporary basis. But, I knew she could always go back to her Mom’s or another friend’s house.

As it turns out she went to live her with her friend Eric who she of course got involved with. The good news at least to me was that I had passed the test. In my mind, there was no surer sign that I was over Jenny than turning her away at her most vulnerable. I was now ready to pursue my new love, Jocelyn. Or so I thought.

From that point on I put Jenny out of my mind and started going out with Jocelyn. It started out great but after awhile we started to have some problems. Jocelyn was still not convinced I was over Jenny. So, she would often wonder, rightfully so about my commitment to her. Also, Jocelyn and I evolved from casual dating to seeing each other everyday rather quickly. We had both just gotten out of long-term relationships and maybe rushed into things. We had formed opinions of each other from work and my personality at work is different from my personality at home.

On top of that our biggest obstacle was the distance between where we lived. After having just gone through the nightmare of living away from my Southside roots, the last thing on earth I wanted to do was hang around on the north side again. Jocelyn felt, rightfully so I might add that she was always coming to my house and I was not going to hers as much. She took this to mean I wasn’t interested in pursuing her. I mean I moved to another part of town for Kim and yet I rarely would so much as spend the night at her house.

The reasons for this were many and none of them had anything to do with my feelings for Jocelyn. I loved her, but I had learned from my mistakes with Kim. I was miserable being away from the south side. Call me a curmudgeon if you want but that is were I was happiest. My friends whom I’ve known forever all lived in the south burbs. I liked being around them again and being able to partake in all of the social events like before I moved. The more I was away from the area the more unhappy I became and it had nothing to do with Jocelyn. Of course she did not see it that way.

She felt that I wanted her to be the one to make all the changes in her life while I just sat back and waited for her to come to me. While, that argument was not without its merit there were a lot of other reasons for me to want to be close to home. I needed to be close to my Grandmother’s house as she routinely calls me to mow the lawn, go to the store for her, and take her to the bank and so on. Since my brother long ago decided to become a north sider, he left most of that stuff to me. As much as I tried to make Jocelyn understand, she just couldn’t.

Of course the Jenny situation was still looming. Jocelyn, like Kim forbid me to see Jenny. I liked having Jenny as a friend. She was happy with her new boyfriend and I was happy with Jocelyn and I didn’t see the harm in being friends with her. While we were friends Jenny and I rarely fought. Which made me realize that maybe being friends is all we could ever be with each other, and that was fine by me. Jocelyn could not come to terms with this. Part of the problem in an effort to be honest, I told her all about my sordid past. Instead of easing her worries this only heightened them.

So as the months went on there started to be some issues in our relationship and we started fighting. Looking back neither one of us was really happy. Jocelyn will claim I broke up with her but I still don’t see it that way. Around March of 2000 things were really bad between us. We fought all the time. Jocelyn wanted me to move closer to her and I was refusing. She wanted more of a commitment from me and I was not there yet. In the back of my mind I still had my doubts. Sure I loved her but didn’t I love Jenny before. That didn’t work out, what made me think this would? I realized I had my own fears to tackle once again.

We had stopped having fun and I wanted a break. I just could not deal with the situation anymore. I wasn’t happy and I cannot believe she was either. Having just gotten out of a relationship in which I was extremely unhappy I was determined not to let that happen again. So, I told Jocelyn that I thought it was a good idea if we stopped seeing each other for a while.

She was not in favor of that plan. This brought up a basic difference of how we were brought up. I was brought up in an environment of divorce. My parents were divorced and I other family members that also dissolved their marriages. For Jocelyn, her parents constantly fought and stayed together. So, while my upbringing taught me to dissolve a bad relationship hers taught her to stay together no mater what. We fought all the time yet she wanted to stay together. I could not understand it.

In some ways I still loved her and it was hard to end it but I did. I thought I was doing her a favor. Deep down Jocelyn knew that we should be together. However at that time I was not in a mind frame to take the next step. So, for the next ten months I was again single. At that point I could have simply moved on and never given my one true love another thought. Sometimes you need to lose something to realize how much you miss it and in the coming months that would be the case with Jocelyn. The conclusion to this tale will come in my next writing.