Baseball Fan Guide

I’ve been going to baseball games forever. In my years of going to games I have learned some things about what to do, and what not to do at a ballgame. Since I see these rules broken all the time, I will try and part with my knowledge in the hope that eventually people will learn some baseball fan etiquette.

No getting up in the middle of an inning – Listen, unless you are in the end seat, you have no business getting up during the middle of an inning, disturbing the other fans who are trying to watch the game. After the third out of the inning is recorded you are free to go take a leak or buy your jumbo nachos. Until then stay in your fucking seat and watch the fucking game.

It is never acceptable to eat a hamburger at a ballgame – I don’t care if you eat a pizza, nacho, peanuts, or chocolate malt. Almost anything is acceptable, except a burger. Hot dogs and baseball go together. Hamburgers do not. I’m sorry for the strict rules, and I realize it is a free country, still if you order a burger at a ballgame expect to be made fun of.

Putting ketchup on a hot dog at a ballgame should be an arrestable offense – I have harped on this vile condiment for years. If you are over the age of twelve there is no excuse. Ketchup is only for the most boring and un-imaginative pallets out there. Putting that disgusting, revolting condiment on a hot dog is like nails on a chalk board to me. Again, I know it is a free country and to each their own. I don’t care. It is disgusting and people who still put ketchup on hot dogs are in need of some serious help.

Vendors stop selling shit during rally’s, and people stop buying it – I am at the Cub game the other night. The Cubs are in the middle of an incredible four run 7^th inning rally. Does that stop the moron vendors from selling cotton candy obstructing our view, of course not. Then much to my disbelief some, jackal actually bought the shit. I have to ask, is buying cotton candy in the 7^th inning of a ballgame a good idea? I mean even if it is for your kid, that much sugar that late at night is not a good idea. Still, if you must pacify your little ankle biter, make them wait until the end of the inning and then go buy the crap.

If it is past the third inning and you haven’t arrived yet, don’t even bother showing up for the game. I had some morons in front of me show up in the fifth inning and then leave after the eighth. I have to ask, why did you even bother? Those tickets could have gone to good, deserving Cub fans, not Johnny come lately frat boys and potential date rape victims.

Cheering is a good thing, being an obnoxious prick is quite another – I love high fiving other Cub fans during a rally. There is nothing more bonding then when your team is going good. It brings the whole park together in a spirit of solidarity all cheering for the same cause. With that said, don’t be an ass about it. In the end, it is just a baseball game. If you are over-served and are becoming belligerent you ruin the fun. Handle your buzz or more importantly make sure you have a friend with you who can reel you in.

If you are wearing the visiting teams colors you have to expect to be mocked – Listen, good razing is a good and wonderful baseball tradition. I know when I wear Cub stuff to an away game I am going to hear some shit. I just hope it is good clean fun. I have no problem with that. There is a fine line between innocent razzing, and being an ass. Name calling or getting personal goes over the line and should not be tolerated.

Put your cell phones away – Nothing, and I mean nothing is more annoying then some yahoo trying to have a conversation on a cell phone during a ball game. First off it is kind of hard to hear someone on the other end over the screams and cheers of 40,000 fans. So, to compensate these droids, start screaming into their phones. Another lame trait of these cell phone bores is that when sitting in close proximity to the field they are on the phone waving to the TV cameras. Is there anything more generic and un-original? You are at a ballgame. You are outside watching the greatest game on earth. Shut the phone off and sit back and watch the action on the field. You might just enjoy yourself.

Don’t wear the colors of two different teams – I saw a couple at the park with Cub shirts and Red Sox hats. I don’t get this. You are either a Cub fan or a Red Sox fan. You can not be both. Even though they play in different divisions, they still play the same sport. Sorry, pick one team and one team only.

Know what you want when you go to buy something – I am waiting in line for an Old Style and a Hot Dog. There is a couple in front of me talking about God knows what. They get up to the counter and then decide to have a conversation about what they want to eat. First off, you have been in line for five minutes. Instead of having your lame, yuppie conversation why not figure out what the fuck you want to order. Also, this is not Gibson’s Steak House. It is ballpark food. Just order a fucking hot dog and get it over with. The lady in front of me could not make up her mind between a chicken sandwich (which I didn’t even now they sold) or a piece of pizza. Again, you are not buying a house here make your decision and get the fuck out of the way so the line can move faster as there are people behind you that actually came to watch baseball.