IRI Stories

I have told many tales of my time at IRI. I worked there from June of 1992 until December of 1996. IRI was a great place to call my first real job. It was not a typical company in that it was young and liked to have fun. I had a lot of good times there and have a ton of stories. Now, these were funny at the time. I am not sure if they hold up to the test of time. Also, I am not sure if they translate well to the written word. But I will try my best, so here are three of my favorites.

Story One: The VP’s Right Cheek Sneak

I worked in the pc lab with my friend Wally and another guy named Andrew. A big move was scheduled in Client Services and Andrew and I were assigned to it. So, we setup a meeting with the head of the department to discuss any concerns and answer any questions.

The head of the department was a guy named Jim Thompson. He was a big, loud boisterous guy. He filled a room with his very presence. Sure he could be an ass but it was hard not to like the guy. He also had a habit of stocking the client services team with fresh faced twenty-three-year old girls who had just graduated college. It was like a model agency on that floor. Everywhere you looked was another hot young girl all hired by Jim. It got to be a running gag, that when these girls submitted their resumes they included their measurements.

So, Andrew and I head into Jim’s office to discuss the move. The door is closed and Jim is doing most of the talking as per usual. Then right in the middle of a sentence he stopped talking, lifted up his leg and let out the most disgusting, loud obnoxious, odorous fart you could ever imagine. He then continued right along with his train of thought, as if nothing had happened. If you can imagine it went like this, “So, we are going to need you guys there early Saturday (Loud Fart) to make sure that everything is in place for Monday.”

Andrew and I could hardly contain our laughter. I knew if I looked at him, I would not be able to contain myself. We spent another five to ten minutes in there as the scent of this guy’s ass filled the air. At long last the meeting was over, and Andrew and I got about three steps out the door and then burst into convulsing style laughing at the phenomenon of what we just witnessed.

Story Two: The Swinging Breasts

This story did not happen to me, thank God. Still it goes down as a classic in my time at IRI. This also involved a move. What we would typically do is take everything down on Friday night and then the movers would come in and move the equipment Saturday morning and then we would re-connect and be done with it. To avoid being there until all hours of the night on Friday, we would try to start as early as possible.

So, there we were three o’clock on the Friday of a move sniffing around to see what machines we could take down. Andrew entered upon an office of one of the female VP’s of the area we were supporting. He had drawn the short straw and was disconnecting all of the offices, why Wally and I were in the cube farm. The door to this lady’s office was closed. So, Andrew knocks and there is no answer. He checks the door and it is locked.

At this point, Andrew goes the lady’s secretary to ask if she is in. The Secretary says, “I don’t think so.” So, Andrew asks if he can have the key to her office so that he can disconnect her pc for the move. The secretary hands Andrew the key and he goes and unlocks her office. There he sees a sight that can change a man.

The VP was in fact in the office. She had a breast pump on and was in the middle of milking her, I believe left jug. As Andrew would explain it, she was pumping away and her breasts were swinging to the left and the right like a swing at a park during a tornado. At the sight of Andrew she screams and then exclaims can you come back in a minute? Andrew then leaves the office redder then an Irish farmer in July.

Story Three: The Orkin Lady

Back in the very early days of IRI, Wally and I were paid hourly. Anything over forty hours was paid at time and a half. With our bosses blessing, we would come in on a lot of Saturdays and get some work done and put a little coin in our pockets. It was nice as there was rarely anyone else in the office and we kind of had the place to ourselves.

IRI had many perks one of which was a shower on the facilities. It was located in the 6^th floor bathroom. Wally and I kept a toiletries bag and towel at our desk at all times. Being in our twenties and enduring a lot of late nights we would often over sleep and not have time to shower in the morning. We knew that we could always head to the 6^th floor and use the shower they had there.

On one particular Saturday morning we had tied one on the night before causing us to be very zombie like on our drive into the loop. Wally of course had barely gotten out of bed let alone had time to shower. We made it into the office and Wally headed straight for the 6^th floor bathroom. Now, I had used the shower at times, but I viewed it as an emergency only shower. Meaning I was washing the main three body parts and was getting the hell out of there.

Wally on the other hand, looked at it as his own personal bathroom and would take his sweet time in there. Since it was a Saturday he figured we were the only ones in the office so, he could take his time and not worry about anyone else coming into the bathroom to disrupt him.

Well, unbeknownst to us IRI had scheduled the building to be bug sprayed on this particular Saturday. So, Wally takes his shower, gets out and ties a towel loosely to his waist. He then heads over to the mirror and decides he needs a shave. So he applies some shaving cream to his face and grabs his razor. It was at this exact moment the Orkin lady came into the bathroom to spray for bugs.

The last thing she expected to see as she entered was a nearly naked man shaving in front of the mirror. She shirked in horror at the sight and nearly had a grabber as she ran out of the bathroom. Wally decided to abandon his shave and get his ass out of there. As he told Andrew and I this story are sides were splitting at the mere thought of it.