Like Feeling Low

Ten years ago around this time in 1997, I was probably at one of the lowest points of my life. There were two main reasons for this. One was the job I was at and the other was the girl I was dating. If you knew me or were around me then, I want to take this time to personally apologize. I was kind of out of my mind there for awhile and was in a bad place. The funny thing is less then one short year later I would meet Joyce and my life would be a whole lot better. But it was hard to see a sunny future on the horizon at that point in time.

I was working in Skokie at Monsanto. I hated that job and that is putting it mildly. I was consulting, which meant I didn’t get any vacation. So, if I wanted to take time off I didn’t get paid. Therefore, I didn’t take one week of vacation in the calendar year of 1997. I never got a chance to have a mental re-boot, if you know what I mean.

I worked in one of those Office Space type buildings out in the suburbs that looked like every other generic office building you’ve ever seen. Our lunch choices beyond our bland cafeteria were corporate fast food or a Lone Star.

The people I supported were vile. They had all been working there since the Hoover administration and were all brain washed automatons that all towed the company line. The problem with that is the company was an unholy beast that did some truly terrible things. I had an internal tug of war every day I worked there. Monsanto created genetically engineered foods and did substantial animal testing.

Thank God, the building I worked in did not conduct said, animal testing. One day, I was sent to the building that did do the testing to back fill. I had a ticket for someone in the basement where the testing was done. It smelled of death. I could not take it, so I basically passed it on to another technician.

I had to drive in every day to this corporate campus hellhole and deal with the worst of the worst. In thinking about it, it is probably a tie in trying to figure out which were the worst clients I ever supported between these assholes and the traders I supported at Bank One. With my career at a low point I could have really used a nice home life. Sadly, this was not the case.

I often sit and wonder just, how I could have deluded myself into falling for my ex-girlfriend’s insanity and mind games for as long as I did. I won’t even mention her name. To type it brings back so much shame, it scares me. I moved for her. Again, I don’t know why I did. I could go off on a rant on all the things that were wrong with her and that relationship. But, some part of me wants to block out as much of that time as I can.

I had moved to Elmwood Park and lived in a rat hole of an apartment by myself for a couple of months. Then in September of 97 I moved in with my girlfriend and her son. It was a nightmare and when I moved out in August of 98 it was as if I had been paroled. I had another month on my lease but, I broke it just so I could get the hell out of there.

I don’t know what I dreaded more, going to work or coming home. I never met or dated a more insecure or warped minded woman in my life. Each night was like Chinese water torture. The obvious question is why did I stay for so long with her? I guess I wanted to prove to myself that I could make a relationship work. I was so bad at them, that I was beginning to think that I was doomed.

I was personally responsible for the breakup of every relationship that I had ever been in up to that point. Ask Joyce, I can be as stubborn as a mule when I make up my mind on something. I put my mind to it, for some reason that I was going to tough it out with this fruitcake no matter what. Of course looking back, a blind man can see the relationship was doomed from the start but, when you are in something, sometimes it is hard to see things clearly.

As the days and months went by, and more and more of my pride and sanity were chipped away, I became relegated to my fate. I figured I made my bed and I was going to sleep in it. It was a fateful trip I took to Ohio for my Dad’s 50^th birthday party that lifted the fog I was in. My girlfriend didn’t go with me and being away from her and my shit job for a couple of days was like a B12 shot.

I actually for the first time in a long time had fun. I realized just how insane my situation was. So, when I got back in town I was determined to make some life changes. I was going to find a new job and ditch my girlfriend and get back to the life I had before the hurricane that she was, approached. It would not be easy and it took some time but I did it.

In July of 1998 I got my job at Harris Bank. When I consider everything, the four and a half years I spent at Harris were the most satisfying of any I have had at any job I’ve ever worked at. I was making some good money, had great benefits, worked with cool people and was downtown. I met my current boss at Harris, and I would not have the job I have today if I didn’t make that move.

It was also that first day at Harris where I met Joyce. I was on the Y2K team and on my first day, we had a meeting where I was going to meet all of my team members. I was the first one there. When Joyce arrived she caught my eye and well, as they say the rest is history.

I guess, my whole point of this is as low as I was ten years ago, and trust me I was low, the light at the end of the tunnel was just around the corner. I was resigned to my fate and kept wondering how I got myself into the mess I was in. I didn’t see any way out and just accepted things as they were. Fate is a funny thing, and I often wonder what if I had decided not to take that trip to Columbus. Would I have stuck around longer in my shit job and with my loony girlfriend? I shudder at the mere thought of it.