He Gives Music a Bad Name

I hate Jon Bon Jovi. I always have and I always will. He is a fucking hack of a song writer and his “music” is lame pseudo rock and roll. The reason he bothers me so much is that he is still selling records long after he should have been relegated to the cut out bins of your local record store.

You see, I have a special place of hatred for the Jov because I was forced to listen to him. His shitty Slippery When Wet (wow what a clever title) release coincided with my senior year of high school. Of course 90% of my metal head, Argo classmates loved the record. This caused me to not be able to avoid it. I heard it everywhere I went and thought it was total crap. Now, I am guilty as most teenagers are of liking some questionable material. But I proudly admit I was right on in my initial assessment when it came to New Jersey’s biggest hack.

Maybe it was the beyond simpleton lyrics of “I’ve seen a million faces and I rocked them all.” You see, Jon you poser, if you really had rocked them all there would be no need to tell us you did. Had your rocking been so great word would have spread. Save the bullshit posturing to rap music you dolt. Then there is the “I’m a cowboy on the steel horse I ride.” I mean do I really have to point out just how atrocious that line is? There is just so much to hate about Bon Jovi and that record that I knew instantly that I was going to have material in future years to make fun of my friends that liked the album.

I also felt that he would go the way of Cinderella and the Bullet Boys. It was all poser rock to me. All of these bands were the same. None of them had anything original to say and all of their music was all speed, no heart. Jovi was never heavy enough to be considered metal but he sure had the hair. It was his looks and hair that sold him to teenage girls. When I watched those videos in the 80’s and saw him mugging for the camera I knew what was what.

That has always been what I felt one difference between men and women is. Britney Spears may have been a Lolita with her push up bras and bare mid-drifts who oozed sex out of her fuck me pumps. But, her music still sucked. Women (and I am generalizing big time here) will like a good looking man’s music no matter how shitty it is. I mean what other explanation is there?

Well, someone never got the memo to Jon that he should be embarrassed for his 80’s sins because he keeps putting out shitty music and women and pretend male rockers keep buying his shit. Sometimes people are just plain wrong. Mariah Carey sold more records in the 90’s then anyone else. In retrospect no one would say she was the best artist of the decade?

So, I ask you America please do the rest of us a favor, stop propping this douche bag up and infecting us with his noise. If you want some suggestions for good rock and roll just ask I will give you some guidance. By admitting you are a fan of Bon Jovi, I’m sorry but you are exposing yourself as a poser wannabe. Trust me, there is so much better music out there, that it is a sin to waste your time on this ego maniac’s banality.