Channeling My Inner Andy Rooney

Just some more things I needed to get off of my chest.

Parking Wars

I am going to the gym the other day and I am trying to park in the parking lot. I am trying to navigate my car down an aisle and I am blocked from moving because a woman has her large SUV taking up the entire lane waiting for the car in the second closest space to the door to back out and leave. All of this led me to ask what seemed to me a rather obvious question.

If you are going to the gym to work out why do you need to park so close to the door? I mean aren’t you in theory getting exercise parking farther from the door and walking a tad further. The weather was not an issue that particular day. It seems to me to be illogical to want to get the “Costanza” spot so close to the door of your workout facility. Maybe it is just me.

The Minivan A-Hole

On the same day, this time as I was driving home I had another experience with a member of the driving public. I heading south on Harlem avenue on my way home. I am getting ready to turn right onto 100th place when a green minivan cuts me off from the left lane and turns right in front of me. I had to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting him.

So, I am behind this ass on 100^th place when he stops in front of me and turns left into Polekatz. For those who aren’t versed on the area, Polekatz is the local peeler joint in the southwest suburbs. A couple of thoughts crossed my mind at this occurrence. First, the fact that the guy was in a minivan would lead me to believe he has kids. Listen, I am no prude and far be it me to deny someone their freedoms. I mean looking at the local talent that Gidesh Park has to offer is about as American as you can get and if a man can’t do that then the terrorists win.

But, in these economic times there is something unsettling about a soccer dad tucking bucks in the g-string of a girl young enough to be his daughter. I don’t know the whole story but the fact that on a Tuesday night this guy was heading to a strip club while in the family van is disturbing. That he cut me off to get the privilege to pay $200 bucks for a case of blue balls is a whole other story. Like was he driving along when all of the sudden it him that oh, ya it is 6:30, I almost forgot it is time to go to Polekatz and get my $7.00 beer.

I have said it before, I am not a strip club guy. I never saw the appeal and I don’t need some girl to pretend to like me when in reality all she is after is what is in my wallet. I don’t know that particular guys story and they say don’t judge unless you walk a day in another mans shoes. But something tells me there might be a better way to spend your money and time on a week night.

Cici’s talked dirty to me.

There is a Cici’s Pizza across the street from our office in Downers. Normally I would not be caught dead in a fast food pizza joint but, they had this huge yellow banner in the front of the place advertising a $3.99 all you can eat buffet. Now, I am cheap and $3.99 for all you can eat is something I can’t pass up. I mean its pizza, even when it is bad it is good. So, a co-worker and I head over there to get our lunch on.

I go to pay and the dude ringing me up asks me if I want a regular drink or a to-go cup. Now, as I may have mentioned I am off soda. So far I have only broke down once all year and that was for a Steak and Shake Cherry Coke. So, I tell the guy all I want is water. He then tells me that the $3.99 deal is only valid with the purchase of a drink. Said drink runs $1.29 for fountain pop. I explain to the guy I don’t want a soda. He then tells me that the buffet costs $5.99 without the soda so, it is still a better deal to just buy the drink. I say fine and secretly vow to never go back to Cici’s on principle alone for false advertising. I slog through the line of sweat pants wearing moms and their brood of misbehaved children to get my couple of slices of cheese and pepperoni. I then get to the drink dispenser and find that they don’t have a dispenser for water. I ask the guy working there and he says that he can get me some from the sink in the back. I am not kidding, that was his suggestion. With that option not really appealing to me I settled on some iced tea.

I at long last sat down to eat. The food was pretty much what I expected. A Little Caesars quality 'za and some heated frozen garlic bread. The problem was that in the back was a game room, where all these kids are creating a loud ruckus. I have nothing against children. Let me amend that, I have nothing against well behaved children. The undisciplined kids I have a huge fucking problem with and it isn’t with the kids. It is with the mouth breathing parents who don’t bother to keep their kids in check. I was taught to be respectful of my elders and this was drilled into me at a very young age. The problem is now we have reversed everything. These parents let their kids run their lives and not to get on my soap box again but this is leading us into more of a lame society.

I hate to break this to the parents of America but, chances are your kid like most adults in the world is average. There is nothing wrong with being average. The problem is we have a society where parents are living their failed dreams through their kids. This has led to a society where every kid thinks he or she is special and thus what they want they get. If they want that to play more ski ball then they will cry and bitch and moan until the beaten down mother gives in just to get some peace. If I would have acted like a spoiled brat in public like that when I was a kid (you know back in the 70’s) I would have gotten my ass chewed out and with good reason.

Anyway, not sure how a post about Cici’s Pizza turned into a rant about the kids of America other than to blame it on my ADD. (I was diagnosed with ADD before it was hip.) If you want an example of the type of children I am talking about, just go to a Cici’s Pizza in Downers Grove on a Wednesday afternoon. To say I will not be going back is shall we say obvious.