The Fairer Sex

I am currently thirty-five years old. I am here to admit that I don’t any more about women today than I did twenty years ago. Every time I think I have them figured out I realize that I don’t. This is one of the reasons I was single until I was thirty-three. I wanted a woman who while looking like a female acted like a man. I expected my girlfriend to like the same things I did, and could not fathom when they didn’t. It wasn’t until I realized that we are different that I was able to actually be happy in a relationship.

Talking about the differences between men and women is like shooting fish in a barrel. It is easy and the lamest and un-funniest comics excel in it. So, I tread to this blog carefully. I don’t want this to come off as a women suck diatribe. I love and respect all women, with the exception of Ann Coulter.

To start off with I don’t want this to come off as an indictment against my wife. Every woman I’ve ever known has acted these ways. Joyce does not have all of these characteristics and I am of course stereotyping to emphasize my point. Stereotypes are based on truisms; if they weren’t then they would never become stereotypes. So with that legality out of the way here I go.

As a man, I don’t get over emotional, illogical, or like Oprah. I can sit in a room, watch a program and not feel the need to talk about my day. I don’t watch cooking shows, I am not catty, and I don’t find babies that aren’t mine very interesting. I hate American Idol, I don’t spend more than ten bucks on a hair cut, and I don’t feel the need to pick up the phone every time a thought pops in my head. So, therefore I find it hard to actually think like a woman. I try to anticipate how they will react and I always fail.

I realize I am doomed as all men are but yet I still try. I think the hardest part is communicating with them. I work for a woman boss and trying to figure out her mood swings is a futile experience. One day she is laughing and joking with us, the next she is on the warpath and will explode over the littlest thing. It seems to me that men will say one thing and women will hear another. Here is an example.

I could say, “You look very nice today”, to a woman. To me that is a compliment. To a female that means, I must look like shit the other 364 days of the year. So, I just get to the point where I stop trying. I just put my head down and continue the struggle. I remember when I was younger, I would sit back and watch these guys who were complete assholes and women would be all over them. I guess it stems from the fact that women think they can change a man. If a woman is treating me like shit I broom her ass and move on.

Don’t get me wrong. As a man I am the first to say we need women. I often wonder how the hell I survived without my wife. She adds that woman’s touch to so many things in my life that I never even thought about. Before, I met my wife I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor, eating pizza six days a week, and buying a new pack of socks as opposed to doing a wash. My furniture didn’t match, I dressed like a slob, and my idea of quality time was drinking cheap beer on a Thursday night with the boys. She has enhanced my life in her way and made me see that as a man I should just take her advice on a myriad of subjects.

All men need a good woman just so we can make it past age forty. I’ve cleaned up my act and thank god I did. So, of course all the trials with women are worth it in the end. I know as a man I am doomed to fail when it comes to co-existing with them. All I can hope for is that I don’t say or do the wrong thing. That is what my married friends always are emphasizing. Our whole existence is to not piss our wives off. It’s not worth it in the end.

So, I don’t turn my head any more when I see an attractive woman. I look women in the eye when I talk to them know as opposed to staring at their breasts. I hold doors open, and try as best I can to treat woman with the respect they deserve. Testosterone is a very powerful thing and sometimes it is hard to overcome its power. To any woman reading this, have patience with us. I know we are clueless but damn it at least we can kill that spider in the bathtub for you when you ask us.