Drunk Cusine

I have been known to consume spirited beverages in my time. I’ve had many a night where I was a little over-served and found myself at two in the morning looking for a bite to eat. This is really never a good idea because this will usually make the next morning, I mean afternoon, which was already going to suck become a near death experience. However, logic and Jack Daniels do not really go together. While there are many other options, I will break it down to the three main late night culprits.

White Castle – This is not a good idea sober but drunk it is like playing Russian roulette. There is nothing worse than grabbing some greasy sliders after consuming a twelve pack of Schlitz. The gas you are going to produce the next morning will be nuclear. I mean your dog won’t go near you for at least a day. There is nothing on that menu that will sit well. The worst part about Whitey’s is that in the moment they are heaven. They taste great, they soak up some alcohol and you can eat like ten of them. That is what makes this such a deadly combination. While it soaks up some of the booze it won’t soak it all up. Plus as those burgers are salty as hell, you will become even more dehydrated than normal. Remember a hangover is just dehydration. Also there is a great temptation to order onion rings to go with those burgers. As bad as the next day is going to be if you get the O-rings you will need to have your stomach pumped. So, do yourself a favor and avoid the White Castle at 4 AM no matter how appetizing it may seem.

A Burrito – Another real bad idea. Take this from someone who has found themselves in Summit at 3 AM ordering a steak burrito from El Farol. First off, most burritos contain re-fried beans. While you can order it without the beans I never do. Next you have to put hot sauce on it. On top of al that a burrito contains lettuce which is a ruffage. With all of that said, most of your local burrito joints aren’t exactly using the finest quality of meats. I mean you won’t find a better grade of Horse in most places. Trust me your stomach after consuming Wild Turkey and Old Style’s does not an injection of this combination. And, because of this your stomach will usually revolt in the form of a tremendous case of the runs. At least this is how the Francone stomach acts the next day. I usually pick up either War and Peace or the long version of the Stand because I am going to be parked for a while. Again, unless you like visiting the Emergency Room avoid the late night burrito.

Your Local Diner – For my posse and me this usually involves Les Brothers. This is your safest choice but still poses many traps. All you really need to have is a bowl of soup. As they always serve you bread with the soup this makes a very good late night meal as the soup usually contains many vegetables and the bread will act as a sponge to soak up some of that nights Hamm’s. Sometimes I get crazy and order a tuna on toast but don’t try to be a hero. However, after consuming Everclear and Lipton Iced Tea you will tend to lose focus and order something you have no business eating. Like a Hobo. A Hobo is a skillet, which contains scrambled eggs, melted cheddar cheese over hash browns. It sounds great and trust me it is very tasty but the next day you will be speaking in tongues. I’ve also sat back and watched a friend order something called “A touch of Italy.” Trust me this concoction is about as Italian as the Eiffel Tower. It is the same skillet with tomato sauce, green peppers and onions. I remember calling my friend the next day around 6 PM and he still wasn’t upright.

Of course the best course of action is to avoid all food, go home drink a gallon of water and sleep it off. As a seasoned drunk I have found that it makes the next day much more bearable than grabbing a slider.