Let's All Go To The Lobby

Have you been to the movies lately? Is it me or are there more and more dumb asses going out to see movies today? I guess it is more of a statement on society as a whole, but it has gotten to the point where a movie has to wow me for me plunk down the funds to watch it with a bunch of drooling barely up-right Homo sapiens.

You see, there are simple unspoken rules that we as a society have adopted when going to the local cineplex. In my past as a frequent movie patron I prided myself on adhering to these rules. Most of these movie codes are just common courtesy but I guess that is just too much to ask for some people. Sadly, I don’t see things ever getting any better but please allow me to vent.

Now, I realize complaining about lines at a movie is a no win situation. You have to expect them, particularly on a Friday night of a premiere. However, the lines could move a lot faster if people would just use their brains. It never ceases to amaze me. A person has gotten in their car, drove to the theater, and waited in line to purchase a ticket. You would think they would know what movie they are going to see. It amazes me how many times I’ll be in line waiting to buy tickets and the person in front of me has no idea what movie they want to see. News flash, your local paper has all the listings and the times of the movies. Do a little homework so that you don’t waste everyone’s time behind you.

Then, of course you go to the next wait, the popcorn line. This line is usually as long as a football field so you would think waiting in it people would know what they want when they get to the counter. Instead of looking at the colorful pictures of the items for sale with prices below most people take the time in line to blather on about every subject under the sun except what they are about to order. So of course when they finally do get to the counter they start thinking about what they want. First of all, the choices are very limited. Popcorn, candy, nachos, or a soda. Pick one, they are all equally bad for you. (I realize a lot of theaters offer hot dogs or ice cream but if you are contemplating eating a movie dog, please re-consider for your large intestine’s sake.) It is not like you are buying a house here. Get your $3.00 dollar Junior mints and extra large Diet Coke and keep the line moving.

So now you have your popcorn and soda and you are going to pick your seat. You sit down and a group of mouth breathers sit right behind you. Now, I don’t mind conversation before the previews start. However, as soon as those previews do in fact start that is a signal to shut the fuck up. Now, of course most people just keep on yapping. You would think that they would at least shut up once the main attraction starts. Instead they choose this time to offer opinions on the movie. No one cares what you think. Shut up and let those of us with an IQ over 80 watch the film.

If the person behind you is not talking then they are kicking your seat the entire time. This has become a big problem. I would say the last ten movies I’ve seen I had some Bozo behind me kicking the seat. Is it that hard to sit still? Are we all becoming hyperactive sugar junkies that can’t seem to sit still for a couple of hours? If they must move do these people have to kick my seat so hard that I have to see a chiropractor the next day to treat my whiplash?

Then of course, the same morons who bought their food and it eat really loudly. Sucking on ice seems to be the latest annoying trend. The other night I had a guy behind going down on a straw like Linda Lovelace for that last sip of precious soda. If you are still that thirsty get up and get a free refill instead of slurping so loudly that the movie is inaudible. Also, when eating chew with your mouth closed. Eating popcorn is a loud enough endeavor without making a slob of yourself. Also, when you’re done eating and the movie is over throw your own crap away. This keeps the theatre clean and makes life a lot easier on the ushers. It is not the usher’s responsibility to pick up after you. How hard is it to pick up your empty cup and popcorn bag and throw it away?

The thing about all of this is I much prefer to see a movie on the big screen than at home. Even with the invention of the DVD, there is still nothing like watching a movie in its intended form, on the big screen. It is just unfortunate that it is becoming such a pain in the ass.