Nick's Asshole Hall Of Fame

Asshole, it has been used many times by many people. In my thirty-six years on this planet I’ve met a lot of borderline assholes but there are five that come to mind who truly defined what that words means to me. Here is a brief rundown of them.

George Garrick, was this waste of sperm who was a big wig at IRI who dumped all of his stock one day in the company before it dropped form forty eight bucks to like twenty five. He knew our earnings report was going to way below expectations and his dumping caused a chain reaction. He also was a complete tool and treated everyone like they were below him. He had the classic blonde bimbo who he was screwing as his secretary. I don’t know anyone who worked there that didn’t hate his guts. Of course this dick is now a multi-millionaire as he created some tech company and sold that stock right before the tech stock burst.

Don Chamberlain was a fat, Canadian, old fart who never worked a day in his life. I had the displeasure of meeting him at Harris Bank. He was the classic rich old white guy who was good at one thing, cutting expenses. He could not manage his way out of a paper bag and had the people skills of a donkey. I’ve seen mutes with better verbal skills. However, since he was a good moneyman he was put in charge of a service area. It did not matter that this guy had never in his life dealt with people and would not know the front line from the hole in his enormous ass. He was in charge and he proceeded to alienate everyone in the company. One day the spineless and over paid joke of a human being called a mandatory meeting for my entire group. He then said that in a move that was sure to further our careers, (I guess his definition of further is standing in the unemployment line) we were “partnering” with EDS. The weasel didn’t have the balls to say the words outsourcing. He assured us that this was a move that had to be done to fight costs. He said the days of going to someone’s desk to fix problems were over and that it is too costly to do things that way. Basically he told us that all our past efforts and work were for nothing. We had to be sold off so the bank’s stock could go up a half a point and some rich motherfuckers could get even richer. Trust me this guy was the definition of an asshole.

John was another asshole I met in a work environment. I can’t remember this last name as I worked with him at Kmart. He was the type of guy who would pick a fight, and run and hide as soon as anyone showed interest in taking him up on it. He tattled on his co-workers, and he alienated everyone in the store. My first day working with him, I tried to do him a favor by telling him that our boss Mr. Holderson, would not like the way he was cleaning the grill. He told me basically to fuck off and then when Holderson yelled at him for the exact thing I told he would I found a great satisfaction in it.

Jeff Hook was a guy I also met from Kmart. He hung around with some mutual friends and, sadly I have had to deal with guy from time to time. He is the type of asshole who thinks he is better than anyone else and feels his shit doesn’t stink. I’ve had to golf eighteen excruciating holes with this ass-clown. By the ninth hole I wanted to take my 3-iron and bash it over his head. We were behind a group of people who happened to friends of mine. Now, I admit that none of the foursome was going to be going pro anytime soon. However, all Hook did was bitch and moan the entire time about how slow they were. It all hit the fan when he tee’d off right into them. So, because I was in his group, I had friends of mine pissed at me. I basically in as nice a manner as I could, told Hook that it is not cool to hit a golf ball at someone. He told me that “Maybe it will get those guys moving.” Golf should be relaxing and fun. There are no clocks and if you are in a hurry than it may not be the sport for you. Again this guy is a complete and utter asshole.

The last asshole I will chronicle is my old Land Lord, Anna. When I first moved into my apartment in Chicago Ridge I had this great guy from Florida who owned the place. He was great and anytime I needed anything he would provide it instantly. He was getting up there in age so, he decided to sell the place. For some reason he felt it was best to sell it to one of the worst human beings I’ve ever met. She quickly alienated the entire building so that within one year eleven out of the twelve tenants she inherited moved out on her. My air went out, and instead of trying to fix it she told me I broke it. I argued with her and begrudgingly she fixed it. My neighbor downstairs was ninety years old if you can believe it. So, his air also goes out and she pulls the same shit and this time would not fix it. Mind you the guy is ninety, and sweating his ass off in an apartment with no air. I could not believe it. The lock on the front door of the building broke and she didn’t fix it. The hallway carpet looked like the floor of a movie theater and she did nothing. This all boiled over when I wanted to re-new not only was she raising the rent to a ridicules level but she also wanted more of a security deposit. I basically in so many words told her to go fuck herself and hope she dies a horrible and painful death.