Women (The Conclusion)

I was no longer dating Jocelyn so I started talking to Jenny again. I guess since I was single again I wanted to make sure those feelings were in fact dead. I quickly realiedI knew that I no longer loved Jenny but I felt the real test would be to spend some time with her and make sure. I mean I was still attracted to her. But that is all it was. There was nothing behind it. I simply didn’t love her. And the more I was around her the more I remembered her bad traits.

I think she is a great person and is really giving when she is in a relationship. With that said I suddenly remembered how sick she always was. In short, she is a hypochondriac. As someone who is rarely sick and hates being so, I have always had little patience for sickly people. Being sick is a mental state. If you believe you are sick, you will be sick. If you decide one day that you are going to be happy and feeling good you will be. She was always stressed out about something and she worried about the smallest things.

Everyone was always out to screw her and her whole act got real old. It was cathartic as I finally saw her in a negative light. I didn’t need all that drama and I sure as hell wasn’t in love with her anymore. On top of all that was the fact that she was still with Eric and I am sure she had no more feelings for me anyways so, at last Jenny was 100% out of my system.

So, with Jenny out of the picture I was back to being happy and single. That year was the first year I was single for an extended period in some time. I remember Christmas of 2000 was like the first Christmas that I was really by myself in years and I liked it. I had a couple of dates here and there but no one was really doing it for me. Then, the strangest and luckiest thing happened. I got back with Jocelyn.

It was not out of loneliness or sexual frustration. I was in a good place at this point in my life. I took reflection and thought about Jocelyn. Our relationship had many problems but as I thought about her I realized I never really gave her a fair chance. Either I was stuck on Jenny or dealing with my fear of commitment. I had to realize that I was no longer in my twenties. I had to stop looking for that perfect girl because there is no perfect girl. Jocelyn got me and loved me despite all of my obvious faults.

I found myself always trying to re-capture that feeling I had when I was sixteen that I had when I was with Nancy, when one day it hit me. Maybe the reason I never felt that way again is because you can only feel that way when you are sixteen. I mean I never really got to know Nancy. I’m sure if I had wound up dating her when I was older I would have wound up seeing a bad side of her. Dating someone when you are in high school and dating someone when you are older and have had life experience are entirely different experiences. I had indeed romanticized my experience with Nancy and I had never really moved on from it. Women came and went and I never gave them a fair shake simply because I was comparing feelings I had for someone that I had built up to an unattainable level.

Once I did some soul searching, I took a look at all my failed relationships. I realized I kept making the same mistakes. I wanted the person I was with to be perfect. I had to wear the pants. I felt that I was a good enough catch but I had an issue with the small things. I would rarely go see a movie my girlfriend wanted to see. While I would drag them to ballgames or some bar, when a girlfriend wanted to go to a play or something like that I would resist. If I did go I’d bitch about it the whole time. I did not like this aspect of my personality and I figured it was time to make a change. Next time I was in a relationship I would try a little harder.

I went months without talking to Jocelyn then one day in January of 2001, I was home and I decided to give her call for no particular reason. I did not like how things ended between us and I guess I was feeling guilty about everything. It was good hearing her voice. We talked a couple of other times and we actually were getting along. We agreed to grab a bite one night as friends. We met downtown after work and we got something to eat. I was going to take the train back when she offered to give me a ride home. I must admit she looked good. I felt just like I did when we first dated.

We got back to my house and I could see that she was still a little pissed about me as she called “dumping her.” I knew I was going to have to mend some serious fences. I knew that if I did get her back this would be it. I had to figure out if she was the one. Was Jocelyn the woman I wanted to marry? All of my years of chasing women, was Jocelyn the one to make me happy? I knew that I could not get back together with her if I wasn’t going to give her a serious try. I owed her that and I also owed myself the chance to be in an adult relationship.

We did get back together. It was rough at first having to work out all of the past issues we had. After years of pressure she finally caved in and became a suburbanite. I got her to move to the Southside and we moved in together in August of 2002. During those months we dated again, I started to realize that I did in fact love her. I loved her more then I had ever loved Nancy or Jenny. Sure she had her faults, but that was it, I didn’t care. They say if you truly love someone you can love then despite their faults. She has a temper, she can be irrational, she has a tendency to nag me but, so what.

These are minor in comparison to all the good qualities she has. She is giving. She would walk over hot coals for me. She never hassles me about where I am going and who I am with. I never have to ask permission to go see my friends and she does her best to get along with my friends. She is no longer jealous and Jenny never comes up anymore. She loves me for me. She lets me be myself and doesn’t want me to be something that I am not. I was pretty happy however I knew once she moved in I was going to have to make a serious commitment to her. The only way to do that was buying her a ring.

I play Fantasy Baseball. I told her if I won the league that year I would use the winnings toward a ring. Maybe it was destiny but, wouldn’t you know it I won the league. I knew I had to buy her that ring. Wither her Mom’s help I went down to Jewlers row on Wabash and I bought her an engangement ring. I proposed marriage to her on October 10^th 2002. She accepted. I realized I was a very lucky man.

Despite all of my personal issues she decided to stick by me and wait for a thirty three year old man to grow up. I did and could not be happier that she waited. We got married on Nov. 8^th, 2003. I hate movies or stories with happy endings so, I don’t want this to get too mushy. We still have our problems. We have very different ways at looking at the world. I think I finally realized that no matter if you agree with that person or not you should at least be open minded. Patience has never been my virtue, but I find myself getting better at it with age.

It is been a long and wonderful journey. There have been many other women in my life that time did not permit me to explore. I am the man I am today based on my dealings first with Nancy. I learned that I needed to gain some confidence and not put women on a pedestal. I look back and cringe with the way I acted when I was with her.

With Jenny, I learned what loving someone is all about. I learned that you don’t know what you have until it is gone. Jenny was my first real relationship. I wore the pants for most of it and I made many mistakes with her and have done everything in my power not to repeat them. Despite everything I know now that my life is better for having known her.

Even, with Kim I learned a lot. I learned not to settle for mediocrity. You cannot change someone and if you are unhappy there is no way you can make someone else content. I also learned to look at that person objectively and see if they make you a better person.

With Jocelyn, I have taken all of those lessons and tried as best as I could to not make the same mistakes. I cannot say that one hundred percent of the time I am successful, but I am getting better. The best part is that no matter what I know that we can get through it together. I am not going anywhere and I know neither is she. I was very thorough in my search for a mate. Forever is a word that still even after I am married scares me. Yet, I am pretty content. I have found someone who lets me be me, loves me in spite of myself, and puts up with all my moods. In return I love her in exactly the same way. You cannot ask for more than that out of a life partner.