It Has Been To Long

It has been awhile since I wrote about some pet peeves. These things have been aggravating me for some time and I need to get them off of my chest.

Karaoke – You know, I will never understand the need to go up on stage in front of a bunch of strangers in a bar and drunkenly warble out Summer Loving. What is worse is being in a bar and having to hear that noise. I like listening to music when I am in a bar. I don’t want to listen to an American Idol reject parade of drunks.

Charging for Water – Did I miss a fucking meeting? When did it become okay to start charging for water? I am not talking about bottled water. I am talking about good old Lake Michigan tap water. I will never understand this practice. I went to a place for lunch and they wanted to charge me 50 cents for a cup of water. I mean come on. I actually like drinking water. I don’t want to drink soda. So, stop making me pay for something that is free.

Fat Chicks Who Think That They Are Hot – You know the type. They are bigger then Orca, but somehow have deluded themselves into thinking that they are hot. Listen, I know this sounds sexist but it isn’t. Hot girls are a pain in the ass as it is. I hate the whole attitude that they give out. As much as that bothers me, it really infuriates me when some buffalo comes waddling towards you and gives you the same attitude. Listen, there is a reason men put up with that from hot chicks. It won’t work for you Shamoo. Now, go get another dozen Krispy Kreams and get an attitude adjustment.

Help Lines – I can not stand calling a help line and having to go through like ten automated steps just to get to talk to an actual person. How much could it cost to man help lines with real people? If I am calling a help line I am more then likely already pissed off because something isn’t working. I don’t need to have to jump through hoops to simply have the pleasure of talking with another human being to fix your broken product.

The Post Office – I just have to ask, do you have to be a complete bitch to be allowed to work there? I mean it never fails, every time I have to deal with a person working at the Post Office, I am treated like shit. Besides maybe the DMV employees, I have never met meaner, nastier people who hated their jobs more. I was in a line at the post office in the loop the other day that stretched back to somewhere in Indiana. That didn’t stop three clerks from closing their booths and going on break. Sadly, we don’t have many alternatives to the post office.

Self Help Books – The only thing self help books seem to help is the author’s checking account. Listen, if you are taking diet tips from a Dr. Phil you need some serious fucking help and it won’t come in the form of a book. If you need to read a book to tell you that men and women are different, then just buy a gun already. Self Help books are bullshit and you are being duped. You want some self help, here it comes. Life is way to short to blow money on needless easy answer books. Try growing a dick and dealing with things on your own every once in a while.

The Pigeon Lady – For those who don’t know there is a lady downtown that goes around and throws birdseed on certain streets that she knows pigeons frequent. One of these spots is on Jackson and Clark. I have to pass this section of Pigeon Alley when I walk to the train. You are literally fighting these flying rats off and ducking for cover as they gorge on the birdseed. Why doesn’t this lady just leave garbage in the alleys as well and let the rats have a smorgasbord. Quit feeding these disease ridden varmints at once for the good of the city.

Chris Berman – This guy’s act is about as fresh Frankie Says Relax shirt. OK, we get it. Your shtick is taking players names and creating “clever: nicknames. This was funny in 1982, now not so much. You are about as sharp as a butter knife. You got in at ESPN on the ground floor and somehow you became the star of the network. That speaks volumes about the quality of sportscasters America currently has.

Deal or No Deal – I used to play a similar game with my Grandfather. He used to hold fingers behind his back and I had to guess how many he had. I grew out of the game by the time I was six. This game show is further proof of just how dumb we are. You no longer need to show any real skill to win money on a show. Being a good guesser is the only real ability you need to possess. On top of all that it has resurrected Howie Mandel’s career and that just isn’t right.