Bernie's and the Nasty

I have always been a bar kind of guy. I am at my most comfortable knocking back a cold one sitting at a local watering hole. Nowadays my thirty eight year old ass usually hits beer and shot joints with the occasional sports bar thrown in there for good measure. When I was a younger man however, there was a period in my life when I used to regularly frequent two bars in Lincoln Park. One was Bamboo Bernie’s and the other was the Big Nasty. This would be the closest I would ever come to going to a club.

I found them because I attended DePaul University. And if you wanted to meet women while you were at De Paul you went to either Bernie’s or the Big Nasty. They were located right across the street from each other on Lincoln Ave. I have some fond and not so fond memories of my times at each.

The Big Nasty was a bar that featured among other things silly string for sale. So, the deal was you bought a can and then sprayed your friends with it. It had two floors and had the usual bad club music blaring in it. The men’s bathroom walls were littered with centerfold cutouts. The oldest person in the bar was usually like thirty. I had some good moments in the place. There was the time I went there with my posse and my friend Brian did a mosh pit dance move to the Roof is on Fire that had us laughing our asses off.

I also had some not so great moments there. The Big Nasty is the only place I ever drank that flat 7UP they tried to sell, called Zima. It was also the bar where I had a bad beer goggling moment. I was hammered beyond recognition. To get to the bathroom you had to cross the dance floor. So, on my way there as I am crossing the dance floor some girl literally grabs me and starts making out with me. Now normally this would be a score, however this was not the case.

I don’t really remember much of it or her, but my friend Rob tells me that she was how shall I say this, kind of a big girl. I swear she wasn’t but the condition I was in my memory is probably not to be trusted. As I continued to make out with Rosie O’ Donnell, her girlfriend came up to us and she pushed me aside and told me, I was going to have to share her, and the two of them then made out. So, being young single and thinking I was on the verge of living out every twenty something’s male fantasy, Rob grabs me and tells me we are leaving. I fought, but Rob was persistent that we leave. Rob swears he was saving me from being the meat in a rather large sandwich, so I guess I should thank him.

Bamboo Bernie’s had pretty much the same crowd. They also had a drink called the Fish Bowl. I don’t know what was in them but whatever it was it packed a punch. It was served in a goldfish bowl and was blue. It came with a plastic shark and a sign said it was advisable if you shared it with others. It came with like, four straws if I remember correctly. I don’t think I ever had a beer at Bernie’s and I never walked out of there sober.

It had an indoor sand volleyball court and usually featured many people dancing on top of the bar. (Which I admit I did, somewhat frequently.) I have a lot of good stories from there as well. My two favorite memories of the place are probably the time Wally and I went there and had this girl flash us her assets as we continued to feed her singles like she was some stripper. Another time I went there with my brother and he got beyond loaded. I left him on a curb outside the place sitting there in his own vomit. (He has a great story of the next day having to help our step-dad clean up a flooded warehouse.)

Both bars are now long gone. I believe Bernie’s is now same lame yuppie restaurant and the Nasty is a different bar. Still, the memories I have from both places that will last a lifetime.