A Fresh Start

Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  I have heard that expression many times throughout my life.  It is usually posted on some lame executive’s wall with other “inspiring” quotes. However, after having gone through what I went through I now believe it.

For those that do not know for the past two years I have been going through the breakup of a marriage that led inevitably to a divorce.  I purposely did not post anything on this rarely updated blog or on Facebook.  This post will be the only time I will ever write about it.

It cost me more money than I could have ever imagined and has made me change the way I live. I know the financial setbacks are only temporary.  And I know it is a small price to pay to now be free of a toxic relationship. 

I had a very soft landing and am in such a better place now, that when I started this journey two years ago, I never could have imagined I would be as happy as I am today.  I have a much more positive outlook on life and have a much better attitude.  I read some of my posts from when I was married and I cringe. I can’t believe I allowed myself to get that bitter and that nasty.

That is not to say I am putting all of the blame on my ex wife. I definitely shoulder some of failings on my back as well. There is no doubt it takes two. But, I know this I am not a bad person. I don’t deserve to be ridiculed and yelled at.  I don’t want to live my life walking on eggshells afraid I might say something that will be taken the wrong way and set off my partners temper.

 I could write a scathing post about my ex ripping her to kingdom come and trust me it would be justified.  However, I did allow myself to be in that relationship.  I ignored all the warning signs.  I made excuses for years.  I overcompensated in posts on this very blog. I was trying to convince myself of a fake marital bliss that never existed.  In the end that did not work and will never work.

If I can impart any advice to anyone out there reading this, take the following.  Follow you gut.  I was never 100% sure with my ex. I always even on my wedding day, struggling with doubts.  In eight years of marriage I was always trying to convince myself that I was in love when in fact I wasn’t.  I know this now but when you are in something sometimes it is hard to see the forest through the trees.  I never had a lower opinion of myself (this is due to a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is my ex tearing me down and making me feel worthless.)

If you are in a bad relationship and are not happy, all I can say is not to be all sappy but it does get better.  Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did.  Telling my friends and family that my marriage was a failure was brutal.  But, it was so worth it the end. I am now with someone who I know I should be with. I have a whole new attitude in life.  I am fulfilled in ways that money cannot buy.  I am nicer and more pleasant to be around.  Every aspect in my life is now way better all thanks to being free of my ex wife and the negativity that came along with it.

 I know there are a million reasons people stay in bad relationships.  I didn’t have kids and if I did I am not sure if I would have had the balls to leave.  But, I truly feel staying together for the sake of your kids does just as much harm.  I am the child of divorce and yes, there were tough times but in the end I truly feel lucky.  My parents both still loved me and my brother and were always there for us and are now happy in their lives.  It can work.  Yes, in the beginning it is going to be a huge period of adjustment and the waters will be rough.  But, raising kids in a loveless household is not doing them any favors.

You only have one chance at life.  I am 44 years old.  I feel I am still young enough to have a second chance at happiness.  I will tell you this in all seriousness. If I had stayed in my marriage I would have been dead in ten years.  The stress was eating me up inside.  I was so unhealthy and causing damage to myself.  The only joy I had in life was through food and alcohol.  I was downing cherry slushies and Miller High Life at excessive levels.

Making that break was the best thing I could have ever done.  Also, and I mean this, I found out who my true friends were and who are the people in life I can really count on.  They know who they are.  All those that helped me through this ordeal, I cannot thank you enough.  I will never be able to repay that debt.  I am a better man now then I was then.  And I am going to live my life paying it forward until the day I die.

I literally feel like I have been given a second chance and I feel like I have been paroled.  I have a new lease on life and I don’t plan on blowing this opportunity.  I could bitch about the money I lost on lawyer fees and how my house is now under water and I am stuck with it.  But you know what, none of that matters now. In the grand scheme of things I know that I am far better off.  Leaving my wife was the best decision I ever made.

For the first time in years I feel like I can be myself again.  I am not putting on an act trying to please someone that was unable to be pleased.  I can say what I want, and do what I want and give my honest opinion on things.  I can finally at long last breathe again.  I am telling you if I had known that this feeling was out there I would have left years earlier. 

As I said, I promise this will be my only post on the subject.  I will just throw this last thing out there. In my attempt to pay it forward, if anyone has any issues in their lives that they cannot deal with and think there is no one they can talk to, they can.  I am here for all my friends and family and having gone through what I went through I learned a lot. I made some mistakes along the way as well.  If I can offer any advice or any help, I am either an email or phone call away.  There is no reason you need to live out the rest of your life unhappy.  Change is not always easy, but it can be the best thing you will ever do.