Friday, October 29, 2010

Movie Quotes

Here we go. Name at least the movie the quotes come from. If you get the actor and character who says it, that is a bonus.

1. I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school.

2. I’m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eifel Tower out of steel and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am. You’re just a woman with a small brain. It’s science.

3. I witnessed with my eyes your testacies touching my drum set.

4. They called you Sugar ‘cause you used to like to give it out, so sweet.

5. What if your home, what if your family, what if your dope was on fire?

6. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, Oswald was a fag.

7. You mean cotius?

8. Somebody’s shoved a red hot poker up our ass and I want to know whose name is on the handle.

9. It’s impossible, Lois could never have Superman’s baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back.

10. Wow, looking foxy tonight man. Is your troop gonna being selling cookies again this year?

11. If I wanted a joke, I’d follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.

12. Yo, baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?

13 I don’t go joy-poppin with bubble gummers, my friends can handle their highs.

14. Honey, you got real ugly.

15. In the quiet words of the virgin Mary, come again?

16. Lee Harvey, you’re a madman. When you stole that cow and then your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy.

17. It’s not that I’m lazy it’s just that I just don’t care.

18. Yeah, let’s go get sushi and not pay.

19. Without me, you, personally, every fuckin wise guy skell around’ll take a piece of your jew fucking ass.

20. Excuse me while I whip this out.

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Softball Years

Although there will be no press conferences and I haven’t played in a league in 2 years, today I want to officially announce my retirement from 12 inch softball. I started playing in leagues before I was even old enough to drink. I had a hell of a run and played on a number of teams. But, there are three teams that I spent the bulk of my time on and all three are near and dear to my heart.

Playing softball was about the game sure, but it was always more of a social thing with the guys. Win or lose for the most part I always had fun. I played on a lot of bad teams sure, but a couple of them were really good. After the games were over though was when we had the most fun. Whether it was drinking in the Kmart parking lot, at the Grove, Little Ritchie’s or the Castle we always had a good time.

But, as we got older and everyone got married and started having kids it got more and more difficult to field a team. Back in the day we would have too many guys and at the end it was always a chore just to find 10 to field a team. Also, at the end no one wanted any part of running a team either.

Still, when I look back at my softball years I look back and remember a great time in my life. A time when going out on a Wednesday to a bar was no big deal. When I didn’t worry about getting up the next morning or stress about making sure my significant other knew where I was. I ate what I wanted and drank till closing time and still got up in the morning and made it to work. Not that I would trade my status now for anything, because obviously I am much better off now both personally and professionally. Still, it was a time of youth and innocence that one can’t help but look back on with tenderness.

Anyway, here is a brief rundown on the three teams I spent the most time on.

The Kmart Team – I played on the Mart team from I think 1989 until the league disbanded in like 94 or 95. I played for the store team on 79th and Harlem in Bridgeview. The league was huge and incorporated almost every Kmart store in Illinois. There were divisions based on location and included home and away games. (The away games were always a blast as we would pile in cars and have our own cannonball run to the games.)

Before I was on the team it was a powerhouse. They had won a couple of league championships. The store actually hired seasonal “ringers” who would work for one day a week at the Mart on Sundays during the season just to be eligible. However, that all changed in the spring of 89 (thanks to Mr. Graves taking over the reins) and a sign was put up in the men’s break room announcing there would be open tryouts for that years team. So, with the encouragement of my friends and co-workers I figured what the hell, I would try out.

We were a rag tag bunch of misfits who hadn’t played organized ball for the most part since our little league days. Jim Fields, Terry White, and Bill Miller were the only holdovers from the powerhouse teams. That left plenty of positions to fill. I decided I would try to win the second base job as no one else had any desire to play there.

We held a number of practice/tryouts and I just kept taking ground ball after ground ball to hone my skills. After it became apparent that I was in fact going to be the second baseman, Jim (who played short) and I worked on turning double plays together. That first year to the best of my memory it was Rob at first, me at second, Jim at short, Dan Powers (the sporting goods manager at the time) at third, Paul in left, Wally in left center, Terry in right center, Chris in right, Bill pitching and we had a number of guys who caught. We were young, and to be honest going into the season we had no idea what to expect.

Our first game was on the road at Currie High School against the 71st and Pulaski store. We were told next to the old Bridgeview team, they were the best in the division the last couple of years. In my first softball at bat I sharply singled and eventually scored our first run. But, our 1-0 lead would be erased quickly. I think the final score was something like 21-3. I lost count at a certain point as the 71st street team kept scoring runs. The only highlight of the day was that Jim and I actually turned two double plays in a game that we got run ruled in 5 innings. (Can you imagine the score had we not turned two that day?)

We were about as down as you could get and privately I think we all felt we were in store for a very long season. The next week came and again we were on the road playing the Kedzie store. We went out there and lo and behold, to our own surprise we went out and beat them. As the season wore on we kept getting better.

What was making the season even more fun was the drinking in the lot after the games. Our home park was New Castle in Burbank. And be it on the road or at home one thing was for sure. As soon as the game was over we all met back up at the Mart to knock back a few cold ones. You can tell this was the 80’s still as a vast majority of the team was under the legal drinking age. It didn’t matter as most of the Bridgeview cops knew Terry, Bill and Jim and knew of the ritual.

We would all park our cars and re-live the ups and downs of the game usually while eating White Castles and drinking the cheapest of beers our young asses could afford. (Busch Light Draft at some point became a Kmart parking lot staple.) I have so many good memories of my time in the lot and took many a leak right on the store behind the plants in the garden shop.

That first season reached its high point in our rematch with 71st and Pulaski at New Castle. We went out and beat them. I also played behind a two hitter in North Riverside that Bill Miller threw. (It was the best pitched game of softball I have ever seen.) We wound up winning our division based on a tie breaker and would host a playoff game. But as it always seemed with our Kmart team we would somehow find a way to blow it in the post season. Still, we far exceeded our expectations going into the year.

The following seasons had their ups and downs and as we got older we actually started getting better. The last year of the league we finally had put it all together and we were in my mind the team to beat. I had moved to the outfield by this point as we had a new apparel manager Vic who was one of the best hitters I had ever seen. He played short and Jim moved to 2nd. I took over in right. That team was Rob, Jim, Vic, Scott Woodrum at 3rd Paul, Dan Murphy, Wally, myself and Terry took over pitching. I batted second that year with Wally, Vic and Jim behind me. My whole goal was just get on base and get ready to run because I knew that at least one of them was going to hit a homer.

In our first three games we run ruled every team. It wasn’t even close. We were firing on all cylinders and in all my years of playing softball that was by far the best team I ever played on. Sadly, after three weeks the league would have to disband due to Kmart changing the store hours and staying open past 6 on Sundays. No one will ever tell me that we weren’t going to win it that year and it still haunts me that we never got the chance.

The Peace Frogs – The Peace Frogs were in existence for a couple of years before I joined. They were started by a friend Troy and I was still at DePaul so, I really couldn’t play the first couple of seasons. Eventually, I joined and man did I have some fun times both on and off the field with those guys.

For the most part the team was made up of guys I knew but didn’t really know. My friend Wally was a member of the team in good standing and one day he said, hey we need guys so join the team. I did and man am I glad I did.

We played in Oak Lawn at the fields on 94th and Oak Park Ave. I remember playing on Wednesdays and then at some point on Fridays. We played in both the summer and fall leagues. By the time I got to the team most of the guys were entrenched in their positions. So, I took over basically in right center my first year. (One thing I am proud of is that I always considered myself versatile and would start at least one game at every position there is on the softball field in my career.)

That team to the best of my memory was Andy at first, his brother Tom at second, Bob Walker at short, Ron at third, Wally in left, Troy in left center, me in right, Ed or Ray in right with Dave pitching and John Dell catching. We always competed and then eventually at some point we got good.

There were two leagues in Oak Lawn on Wednesday s. The league we were in was much tougher. The Panthers (who always won the thing) and the Rock Lobsters ( a team made up of a bunch of Oak Lawn cops) were usually the top two and we would usually finish 3rd. The season it all came together was bittersweet for me personally.

I was having in my mind my best season ever through the first 3 games. Then it all came crashing down and to this day I have never been the same. I was playing in the outfield and a ball was hit behind second. I came rushing in full speed to try to make a diving catch. At the last second I realized I wasn’t going to be able to catch it so, I put on the brakes to get the ball on the hop. As I stopped my right cleat got caught in the poorly manicured outfield in Oak Lawn. I went one way and my knee went another. Ray who was playing right said he heard the pop from where he was.

My season was over. I went to the doctor and he advised me to have surgery. As I was at IRI, and making very meager earnings I choose to instead try to rehab it on my own. (A decision I would later regret as to this day I still haven’t gotten my fight knee properly fixed and at the most inopportune times it will pop out and it is never pleasant.)

The team didn’t seem to miss me that much as they rolled into the playoffs. The post season in that league was a one day event. You win you keep playing you lose and you are out. We finished 3rd so that meant we had to play the team that finished 2nd on the other Oak Lawn Wednesday league. We beat them rather easily which meant we would face the winners of the other league The Sewer Rats. They came in supremely over confident as if I am not mistaken were unbeaten during the regular season. The Frogs then proceeded to go out there and hand them their first loss and they handled it like a bunch of whiney cry babies.

That meant that we would have to play our 3rd game of the night for the championship against the vaunted Panthers. In the top of the first we scored 8 runs. In the bottom of the first they scored 9. It was a great game but in the end we just ran out of gas. Wally pulled a hamstring and wound up having to catch and even though we played them hard in the end they just had too much fire power. Still, it was a great night.

As good as the times on the field with the Frogs were, the moments we shared at the Grove are legendary. The Grove was a complete dive of a bar on Kean Avenue in Willow Springs. It was located across the street from a cemetery and next to a horse stable. But, on the nights we played after the games we owned the place.

The Frogs and the other team I was on at the time the Slackers were both sponsored by the Grove. So, for a couple of years in the early 90’s I was spending at least two nights a week knocking back suds at the bar. The place was a dive for sure but it was our dive. We controlled the jukebox. We controlled the dart board. We controlled the pool table. The bar was filled with people we knew and were part of our gang. The drinks were as cheap as the bar was seedy and seedy it was.

The bathroom was a just a complete mess. A spare billiards ball served as the door knob. There was a rule that Wally came up for the bathroom and it was don’t touch anything not attached. Being located out in the middle of nowhere afforded the bar some seclusion and I witnessed many let’s just say less then legal activates go down in the place. But, like I said I had a lot of good times in the Grove drinking, playing pool and darts and just bullshiting with the guys.

The Slackers – The Slackers was the team my good friend Chuck ran. We started out our first year in existence as Is It Wrong, but by the next season we were the Slackers and boy did that name fit. We started out decent but by the end the team just fell apart.

Our first season was probably our best. We went .500 and would have made the playoffs had we not had to forfeit one game. The team was Chuck at first, me at second, Walker at short, Scott at third, Bob Wirtz in left, Wally in left center, Mike Wirtz in right center, Paul in right, Rob catching and Dave pitching with Dell EH’ing for the most part.

Our first season was going along decent enough, when one day Paul and Rob decided to go to Great America. They swore they would be back in time to play. Our game that night was against the Fish Lungs who to that point had not won a game. All we needed to do was field 9 guys and we would have easily beaten them. But, Rob and Paul got stuck in traffic on the way back from the amusement park and literally 5 minutes after the ump called the game as we only had eight guys, they arrived. That loss cost us 4th place and a playoff spot.

The Slackers as mentioned were for the first couple of years of our existence were sponsored by the Grove as well. Many of the same crew who hung out at the parking lot also, hung out at the Grove after games. I still remember celebrating my 22nd birthday there. The bartender poured 22 shots of Rumplemintz and light them on fire. I then blew them out and passed them out to our crowd.

Almost everyone we knew came to the bar after the games to hang out. I think it had to do with the fact that a lot of our group was still under age and The Grove management rarely seemed to mind. My girlfriend at the time was definitely under 21 and even though she didn’t really drink was still in the place with me.

Eventually, as we got older the team lost it’s identify and its heart. We went from being a team with nothing but friends on it to a team with half the roster filled with guys I barely knew. And, while they all seemed to be nice guys, it wasn’t the same. Eventually, the Grove was sold and they no longer wanted to sponsor us so we moved over to Little Richie’s on 111th in Chicago Ridge, but that too wasn’t the same.

The team itself was never really great but I still have some fond memories. The game in the Fall League where it poured rain and the ump never called it. Chuck’s glasses steamed up and he couldn’t see. The game against the asshead jocks from Reavis where after they ran up the score the first time we played them on the rematch we went out and beat them. The game where I was coaching 3rd and yelled at Dell as he scored his first run in like 2 seasons. The game where I made a diving catch in right only to find when I got up that I had in fact dove into dog shit. The game on the 4th of July where we had all drank the night before at Jim’s then went golfing at the crack of dawn. Our game was at like 4 o’clock and we were all hung-over and had no sleep. How we didn’t die on the field is a miracle. I got talked into pitching and I might have set the walk record for a 7 inning softball game that day.

Our last season was always a challenge to see if we could get enough guys to show up. It became a part time job for Chuck to keep the team alive. It got to the point where I prayed for rain on game nights, which is never a good thing. At a certain point after a forfeit Chuck had enough and announced he wasn’t going to run the team the next year and I could not blame him.

I played for a couple of other teams in the later years but was never able to recapture the magic that the three teams above provided. Our time had passed and when we did play even though it was fun it always felt like we were an injury waiting to happen. And then after the games I would be looking at the clock the whole time at the bar knowing I had to get up in the morning and that just oozes any fun I might have been having out of the night. A part of me will always miss it and you never know, maybe when we all get old enough we can join a 50 and over league.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Nick's 2010 MLB Postseason Awards

With the baseball season now over (sadly it was over in June for my beloved Cubs) I will now give my choices for the 2010 MLB postseason awards. This year was very difficult in a couple of races.

NL MVP – Joey Votto Reds – Personally I hate the guy but I cannot argue the numbers. He had a line of .324-37-113. He slugged at a .600 clip with an ops of 1.024. Albert Pujols and Carlos Gonzalez of the Rockies are his main competition but, in the end Votto just had a tad better season.

NL Cy Young – Roy Halladay Phillies – From April to September there was no more consistent pitcher then Halladay. You knew coming over from Toronto the potential was there for big Roy to have a monster season and he did not disappoint. 21 wins, an era of 2.44 with 9 complete games and 250 innings pitched, plus a perfect game in June. Wainwright in St. Louis and Josh Johnson before he got hurt also had good years.

NL Rookie of the Year –Buster Posey, Giants – The NL had some really good rookies this season. Heyward in Atlanta, Jamie Garcia of the Cardinals, Starlin Castro and Tyler Colvin of the Cubs all had good freshman seasons. But, Posey wins this award and in my mind there should be no debate. The numbers are there with a .305-18-67 line but he also got inserted in the 4 spot in the lineup when he got called up and then was asked to handle one of the best pitching staffs in baseball. He went in and guided them to a division championship.

NL Manager of the Year – Bud Black, Padres – I know people are going to focus on San Diego’s collapse but that team had no business being in first for as long as they were. How they won 90 games is beyond me. He massaged that team’s meager talent and in my mind did a better job than any other guy in the league. Bobby Cox also did a nice job this year.

AL MVP – Miguel Cabrera, Tigers – This is a 2 man race between Cabrera and Josh Hamilton of Texas. And many will make the case that since Hamilton led the Rangers to the post season he should get the award. To that I say bullshit. Since when does an individual award get tied to a team’s success? Their lines are similar. Hamilton is at .359-32-100 he slugged .633 with an ops of 1.044. Migey ripped off a .328-30-126 slugging .622 with an ops of 1.042. But there are three factors that swing it to Cabrera. He hits in a much tougher park in Comerica as compared to the band box that is in Texas. He had no protection what so ever in the lineup while Hamilton had a number of good hitters surrounding him, and lastly he played in 17 more games than Hamilton. They both had monster years and the press will probably give it to Josh but Cabrera gets my vote.

AL Cy Young, Felix Hernandez, Mariners – This is going to be the most interesting vote of them all. This appears to be a 3 man race between King Felix, David Price and C.C. Sabathia. In every category other then wins Felix has got them. Felix had a whip of 1.06, an ERA of 2.27 a batting average against of .212 and 232 K’s. All of those numbers are better than that of Sabathia or Price. He only won 13 games and lost 12 playing for a hot garbage of a team. But in 7 of those losses the Mariners scored 1 or 0 runs. Sorry that is not his fault and I can’t screw him out of the award based on the rest of his team’s ineptitude.

AL Rookie of the Year, Neftali Feliz, Rangers – While the NL has a number of candidates, really the AL race should be a runaway. Feliz saved 40 of 43 games for Texas posting an era of 2.73 in the process. He struck out better then a batter per inning and had an incredible whip of .088. Austin Jackson of the Tigers had a nice year as well, but in my mind this should be unanimous.

AL Manager of the Year – Ron Gardenhire, Twins – Maybe this is the year Gardie gets some love but more then likely Ron Washington of Texas will win it. However, the Twins lost arguably the best closer in baseball, Joe Nathan in March and a former MVP in Justin Morneau in July and they did not miss a beat. Year in year out no manager gets more out of his talent then Gardenhire and again this year he maximized what was given to him.