Merry Nickmas

Every year, I write about why I hate Christmas. I guess I should amend that sentence. I don’t hate Christmas. Hate is a pretty strong word and I don’t think I hate the holiday, in fact there are many facets to it that I like. However, there are many more things about it, I dislike and for me personally, the bad outweighs the good.

But to prove that I am not a total Grinch and also to prove that those seven Kmart Christmases didn’t totally jade me I am going to list ten things about holiday that I do like. If you are someone who prefers me being the grumpy old man, then please read the post I wrote two years ago about things about this time of year that drive me nuts. Here is a link to that post http://10withamop.blogspot.com/2007/12/some-xmas-bitching.html#comments

The Single Line – One of the best trends to start in the last couple of years is retail stores during the holidays having one huge line form and then having a store employee at the front of it directing the consumers to the next open register. This makes the line you are in move and it also prevents one (and I always do this) from picking the line with the old woman who will want a price check for the perceived dime overcharge and will then proceed to write a check for her purchase.

My Aunt Kathy’s Lasagna – My Mom and Aunt used to make the homemade ravioli for Xmas back in the day. They would roll the dough themselves and stuff them with ricotta cheese. But that is a pretty big undertaking so, I get that they decided to put a halt to that one. Now my Aunt uses the holiday to make some kick ass lasagna. Lasagna is always a gamble. I love it, but I never order it at a restaurant because more times than not it is not made to the high standards that I am used to. My Grandfather on my Mom’s side was a cook at an Italian restaurant and I believe this recipe is what was passed down to my Aunt and my Mom. Don’t believe me in how good it is, just ask my wife. She looks forward to it as much as I do now.

Hearing Do They Know it’s Christmas by Band Aid – I would say 95% of Christmas music is pure shit. However, there is still one song that I really dig that I look forward to hearing every winter and that is Do They know it’s Christmas. I guess it is stems from the fact that this one was recorded right in my wheel house. It sends me back to the early 1980’s when I watched MTV with regularity. (Nowadays I am not even sure what channel it is on anymore.) The Bob Geldof classic to help raise money for Africa is a catchy tune that one day I want to hear covered at our annual Xmas party. Which brings me to,

The Annual Christmas Party – Back in the mid 90’s when a number of my friends lived in the “log cabin” house in Oak Lawn a Christmas party was thrown. From that was spawned the annual Xmas celebration that Wally and Chris organize. It has turned from a nice house gathering into a party at usually The Grove which used to be Little Richie’s. One year according to legend we set the record at the bar for the most beer ever sold in one night. It is always a good time as it is a chance to catch up with friends that try as you might to stay in touch becomes difficult as responsibility sets in. Usually a band or two made up of our posse gets up on stage and puts on a rocking show. I look forward to it every year and I don’t think I have missed one since the inception.

Watching A Christmas Story – With all due respect to It’s A Wonderful Life, this is the quintessential film of the holidays. I have probably watched it a hundred times and I still laugh when Ralphie feels up the leg lamp. So many great moments in the film and so many great stories it is hard to pick a favorite. To think this movie kind of tanked when it was released. But, I guess that is what makes it a cult classic

Giving Gifts – I know it is passé to say this, but it fits for me. I much prefer giving gifts to getting them. I always feel awkward getting a gift and never know how to react when I open them. I get much more satisfaction watching someone open I gift that I (or for the most part Joyce) has picked out for them. Yes, shopping is brutal but with the invention of the internet it has become much more tolerable. Hell, when you buy something from Amazon they even give you the option of shipping it to you already wrapped.

Working – A lot of people prefer to take vacation Christmas week, not me. I love working this week. First off since so many people are off, it is slow as hell. I can use the time (like this year) to catch up on a bunch of stuff I put off because I didn’t have to deal with it. Also, the people that are here are all laid back with their minds already on spiked eggnog. This morning I got to work in almost half the time as there was no one on the streets. Back in the day the train was dead. I get it why many want these days off but, I love working this week.

The Deals – Retailers will usually give you humongous discounts this time of the year. Joyce and I are pricing flat screens televisions and the deals we are seeing are crazy. If you need to make a big purchase for yourself I highly suggest doing so if you can afford it to make it during the season. Preferably if you can get it done online thus avoiding the craziness of the store itself.

The German Christmas display at Daley Plaza in the Loop – With the exception of 1997, I had worked in the loop for every Christmas. A trip to the Xmas Village was a must. First you could rock some killer hot chocolate, with a bowl of cream of potato soup and a potato pancake. Then for desert you head into the heated shelter and a cup a glogg which would warm you right up. (And knock you on your ass if you weren’t careful.) I am stuck in Downers this year and didn’t make it downtown this Christmas. But, in years past it was something I always made sure I hit at least once.

Spending Time with the Family – For as much as I bitch about the travel (and trust me I do put in some miles) I do enjoy seeing everyone. First is the Francone Fest with my Dad. Usually we play a game or two of 500 rummy and our “boxes” game. Then we have a pot luck dinner where everyone brings one item. We have a grab bag and exchange gifts at some point in the evening. This usually is like a week or two before December 25^th.

Then on Christmas Eve it is time to celebrate with my in laws. We usually hit my brother-in-law Alan’s house in the city. There we eat some ham (usually we bring a honey baked but this year Joyce is going to attempt to make a ham on her own) and some other assorted food. Then I usually put in some Uncle Nick time with our nephews AJ and Nathan. We rock some more gift giving and then I play with the toys I bought for the two boys.

On Christmas Day, it is time to hit my Mom’s side of the family. We usually start the day at my Mom’s house and eat some homemade breakfast and exchange gifts with her and Lou. We kick it there for awhile before we venture to Plainfield to my Cousin Kristie’s house. There we knock back my Aunt’s aforementioned lasagna and watch Danny and starting this year Matthew open their gifts. I then B.S. with my Uncle John and Lou as we try to fix all the problems that the Chicago sports teams are having.

The whole thing is a tradition that I know I will truly miss if and when it goes away. I still like to bitch about all the other stuff, but I know how lucky I truly am to have a great family (make that families) that make the Xmas days something to look forward to.

Retail Hell

I often talk about my seven years working at Kmart for good reason. For the most part I had a blast working there and most of my social life to this day is spent with friendships I made with people who worked there with me. When I worked there I used the store as the base of pretty much my entire life. My friends all worked there and the ones that didn’t were all friends of friends that worked at the mart. I dated a girl there, I played on the softball team at the store, even when I was off I was there most nights. It was just a great time in my life.

However, there were a couple of days a year where working there sucked. I had a routine when I worked the floor. (If I wasn’t in the Pharmacy, I was a stock boy in the health and beauty and party goods sections.) I would punch in and make my rounds socializing. I would make sure the sale ads were stocked and then pretty much spend the rest of the night flirting with apparel and checkout girls with the occasional break to put away unwanteds.

I am a man of routine. So, when said routine is messed up I become grumpy. I am not as bad as I used to be but when I was 19, well I was not as good as dealing with shit as I am today. With that said, here are the five worst days to work at the mart. I knew if I was scheduled to be there any of these days I was in for a long one.

The 4^th of July – There is nothing worse than being stuck in a K Mart on the 4^th of July. First off, why the fuck would anyone want to go shopping at a K Mart on a summer day in July in the first place? You add on to that, it is the holiday of all holiday’s in the summer so you can use your imagination on what kind of people would come into the store. Other then the patrons who were coming in to grab a last minute bad of charcoal (those people were fine) you had all the losers of the world who had nothing better to do on a day off of work then to spend it shopping at K Mart. I am sure you can imagine the clientele. Add on top of this, I always had something going on that night that consisted on knocking back some beverages it just felt like time dragged the whole day.

Usually the apparel manager Mr. Fields would throw this huge blowout were someone would make this jungle juice and we would stay up all night drinking and then go golfing the next morning. So, all you wanted to do was have your shift end so you could go to the party. (I have a whole other blog on those parties. They were monumental.) Instead you were stuck with all the friendless bearded ladies in the Bridgeview area who had nothing better to do then to spend time at K Mart.

Black Friday – Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s Black Friday was about 20% of what it is today. So, I can’t even imagine the insanity of what it is like now, because it was a living hell even back then. First off we opened at 7 AM. So, that would mean I would have to drag my teen-aged carcass out of bed at like 6:30 which went against every bodily instinct I had. Then I would get to the store and just brace myself for what was about to come.

The old bags and lepers of the world would already be lined up waiting to get in when I pulled up. We usually had a sale that would run from like 7 AM to 11 AM. And all in the name of trying to save $5 these people would be waiting for us to open the doors. And as soon we did the rush was on. We would exhaust our entire shopping cart inventory in record time. Women in curlers would madly rush to the toys department throwing elbows trying to find a Teddy Ruxpin. And then the blue light specials would start and all hell would break loose. In all seriousness if you worked that day you deserved battle pay.

December 24^th – Christmas Eve was a whole other matter. There is a certain personality that waits until the very last day to go Christmas shopping. I am not talking about someone who forgot to buy one gift. I am talking about the people who would come in with their entire Christmas shopping list in hand and then frantically run through the aisles trying to find the perfect gift for Grandma with the store closing in fifteen minutes. I didn’t work checkouts. But, I had a register bag, which meant if the lines up front got busy they would page people who worked the floor to come up to the registers and open up. My girlfriend at the time was often times in charge of calling people up from the floor. Well, who do you think the first person she would call up to open would be?

So, one Christmas Eve I get called up there early and my line never stopped. Then I had some trailer park mama and her daughter come in with two shopping carts full of shit. This is not an exaggeration. It took me a half hour to ring them up. Their total came to like 2 grand. The mother then reached into her bra and pulled out a sweaty stack of twenties and just started counting them of and handing them to me. Needless to say I hit the eggnog pretty good that year to try to wash that memory from my consciousness.

December 26^th – This day may quite possibly have been the worst day of them all to work. You see you had every K Mart reject in the world that would come in to return those shitty gifts that their thoughtless relatives bought two days earlier. A person from each department was positioned at the return counter to handle the mayhem. I always used to wonder, was your gift that bad that you had to run out the very next day to return it? On top of that you had all the scammers out there that would try to return other unwanted items that they have had in their possession since the Eisenhower administration that they no longer wanted, because they knew the return policy on that day was much more lenient.

I saw used toilet seats trying to be returned. I watched as a lady got pissed when she tried to return a men’s tie that had a Sears tag on it and was rejected. You would see shoes that looked like they had 1,000 miles on them and people with a straight face would try to tell you they were new. It was comical.

If all that wasn’t bad enough the store was also filled with all the bargain hunters who were there to buy all the marked down Christmas shit that didn’t sell. They would rummage through the ugliest wrapping paper and bows and fill their carts with the items all to get that 50% off discount on things that cost $3 to being with. (Sadly this was my department so, I was usually dealing with these people for an entire eight hour shift.)These shoppers all tended to be the worst of the worst and would give me one gigantic headache.

January 1^st – It would always amaze me how anyone could get up a six in the morning on New Year’s Day to go shopping. It puzzles me at 40 but at 20 it blew my mind. I would spend New Year’s Eve saluting the year away in hard liquor shots and drinking games. Even if I knew I had to work the next morning that didn’t stop me. (My logic was I am young and I am going to enjoy my youth, my $5.00 an hour job be dammed.) This of course led to the inevitable hangover the next morning.

Dealing with your average K Mart shopper completely sober was bad enough. But you add a hangover to the mix along with the fact that the people who are at a Kmart on January 1^st at 7 AM are not exactly the upper crust of society and it makes for a lethal combination. My goal would be just to get through the day the best I could. But, it was never easy. I would usually be running some blue light that my sadistic manager would set up. And then all the blue hairs would come running at me to get their 25 cent bag of expired potato chips. I know when I go to hell (and I am going) it is going to be me re-living like New Years day 1989 for eternity.