Nick's Top 5 Weddings

As I have mentioned numerous times I have been too a whole lot of weddings over the years. Within the next couple of months I know of at least two I will be attending. Here I will list the five weddings I had the most fun at. Because, let’s face it the goal of any wedding reception should be to have a good time. So that automatically discounts any wedding that takes place on a Sunday or does not have an open bar.

I had fun at my own wedding of course but it was also a lot of work. I made a deal with my wife. I would be sober as a bird until we hit the limo after the ceremony. At that point, it was all hands on deck and away I went. Still, you have to glad hand a lot and get your picture taken like you are a rock star so, it can be a stressful day which takes away a little from the enjoyment. Anyway, here is the list in chorological order of the weddings I had the best times at.

My Mom and Lou’s 1984 – I was all of fifteen. I had the responsibility of giving my Mom away. It was a long day. The actual wedding went off without a hitch outdoors in my Aunt’s backyard. Then the reception took place.

It was at the Sabre Room on 95^th street in Hickory Hills. It would mark the first time in my life that I got drunk. And when I say, drunk I mean falling on my ass shit faced. I was drinking screwdrivers that various family members were sneaking to me. I was out of my mind. I wound up dancing most of the night with some woman who worked with my Mom who was in her thirties. I blacked out most of the second half of the wedding. (I could have lost my virginity that night and not have known it.) Still, I had a blast.

The next morning was not such of a blast as I awoke to find myself on the kitchen floor of my Aunt’s house with an imprint of her linoleum floor on my cheek. I then had to get up and get in a car to start a road trip that my Mom and Lou took to Albuquerque to visit Lou’s family. That was a very long day.

Teri Hull 1990ish – I am not sure of the exact year, but it was the early 90’s. And for the record, it wasn’t a wedding it was a party. It just so happened that someone we knew got married that night. Teri worked at Kmart with the rest of us. She worked in the Deli that the Mart used to run. For the years she worked there, I never paid for a foot long hot dog or a cherry slurpie once. She was actually a really cool person now that I think about it.

For some reason she thought it was a good idea to invite the Kmart posse to her wedding. The reception took place at a VFW Hall somewhere off of Harlem. For some reason and I am not sure why as my memory is a little hazy, I wound up taking Sue the Pharmacist I worked with as my date. I think I may have been dating Jenny at this time, but I know for a fact I took Sue.

That would work to my advantage as she drove which allowed me to drink the night away. My friends were all there and the scene quickly turned into Caligula type event. At one point we got the DJ to play Higher Ground by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and a mosh pit ensued right in the middle of the dance floor. I got ten sheets to the wind and remember Sue sneaking me into Key Largo (so this had to be before my 21^st birthday) after the wedding was over for a nightcap. All that, and I can not for the life of me remember who Terri married. I do now that the marriage itself lasted around a year.

The Connor’s 1996 – Chuck was the first real good friend of mine that got married. So, we took that as an opportunity to celebrate a tad excessively. Also, Chuck would be the only one whose Kmart romance would last. And there wasn’t a person who worked there that didn’t have at least one Kmart romance.

I stood up in the wedding so, I had to have the tux and the whole nine yards. I remember standing at the altar next to Chuck as this waterfall kept flowing and at about half way through the ceremony, I realized I really had to take a leak.

The reception itself was at the Chateau Bu-Sche in Alsip. I was going out with my psycho ex girlfriend at the time (the only negative) so I went with her. Again it was more like a party then it was a wedding reception. I was on the dance floor the whole night shaking my money maker for all it was worth. I again blacked out the last hour or so as I was drinking all day long.

The highlight-lowlight depending on how you look at it, was when the DJ played the Mony Mony cover by Billy Idol and myself along with a number of Chuck’s “friends” started yelling get laid, get fucked all the while oblivious to the looks on Chuck’s new brides family. I still had one hell of a good time at that one.

The Conway’s 2000 (I think) – That wedding was memorable for one huge reason. The Kevin Conway improvised Mr. Roboto dance. I was not dating Joyce, (we had a brief period that year when we stopped dating, or as Joyce says I broke up with her) and I can not remember if I brought a date or not. I do remember going with my brother and his then girlfriend at the time.

The reception was at the William Tell Holiday Inn in Countryside. As per usual, an open bar means Nick gets pretty loaded. A huge plus was my table was right by the bar. I mean I could order from my seat if I wanted to. Again, a ton of friends were there and we were having a good old time.

Then, the DJ played Mr. Roboto and well a slightly inebriated Mr. Conway did a dance that any drunken Irishman should be jealous of. A half-robot, half Irish jig that had every guest rolling with laughter at the mere sight. Con’s has always been an unabashed fan of Styx and with the lubrication of liquid courage, he got up and did a dance for the ages.

The Hunger’s 2006 – A really fun time where the wedding was secondary to the whole weekend. It took place at Starved Rock. The wedding was on Saturday but everyone got there on Friday night so, it turned out to be a weekend long celebration. Joyce and I like most of the guests stayed at the resort they had located on the premises. There was a bar located in there that basically stayed open as long as we wanted both nights. I think the first night I was up until 4 AM bullshitting with everyone.

On Saturday, the wedding took place. It was outdoors and a really neat. The reception took place at a hall in Starved Rock. It was a chance to catch up with everyone and spend some time together. It was like a camping trip witch happened to include two people we knew getting married. It was a pretty fun weekend.

Pope Head in the Sand the First

Forgive me for not embracing the Pope’s recent visit to America like so many Catholics did. I just can not look past his behavior when it comes to the pedophile crisis. He came here and read a prepared statement apologizing for the actions of those priests who took advantage and you know, fucked children.

Of course, when he was Pope John Paul II’s right hand man, he was put in charge of handling the pedophilia issue. His direction was to basically, move the offending priests out of their diocese and to as he called it, implement the code of silence. In my opinion all that did was enable the continued grab assing of children. By not dealing with the issue head on, thousands of more kid’s lives are now fucked forever. I don’t know how anyone can celebrate a religion or a man who let that happen.

A recent study suggested 10% of catholic priests are pedophiles. Let me repeat that, 10% of Catholic priests are child molesters. So one in ten priests is a pederast. Think about that for one second. Now, think about the Church’s slow response to the issue. Next time you are in church and dumping money into the basket try thinking about the organization that is getting that money. Think about the million’s the church has paid to victims.

I admit, that I have an ax to grind when it comes to the Catholic Church. I was raised Catholic, but as I got older I started distancing myself from the church. The reasons for this were many. Their continual gay bashing, their old school treatment of women, and their abortion stances were way out of line with my own personal beliefs.

But all that aside, I don’t know anyone that could condone child molestation. The Catholic Church’s lack of really any response allowed thousands of more kids to get messed with my priests. You see priests had access to kids, the object of the 10 percent's affection. So, when numerous complaints are made against a priest what did the church do time and time again in numerous different places all across the country? They simply moved the priest to a different parish.

This edict came right from the Vatican. You see the Catholic’s believe their laws (cannon laws) outweigh our country’s laws. They believe through prayer a preset can be cured. To me having the knowledge that you have a pedophile in your ranks and then instead of dealing with it, you introduce him to a whole new set of kids is beyond repugnant.

I haven’t considered myself a Catholic for years. But, after the way they have handled this issue, I don’t understand how anyone could support them. I guess I get being raised a certain way and not wanting to give up the tradition and beliefs that you were taught. Still, how anyone can associate themselves with that organization is simply ignoring the issue. If that was your kid or a kid you knew what would your stance be?

Yes, there are good priests out there and there are good churches as well. Also, I am the first to admit the Catholic Church does a lot of good. But, when the Vatican acts as sinfully and hypocritical as it does it is impossible for me to condone that. So, I will not personally support the church anymore. If my wife wants to baptize our child, I will go along with it, but it will be all her. I respect her beliefs and I respect others beliefs as well. I just ask that my beliefs are accepted as well.

The D.G. Playlist

I was stuck in Downers yesterday for no reason as it was slow as hell there. Half the office was off in Minnesota for a big once a year meeting. But, we are operating a man short on my team there so, I had no choice. We all had to take turns. What makes it even worse is that they pipe in this annoying lame music over the loud speakers throughout the office that you can not avoid. In an attempt to share my agony here is part of my playlist on the day. This will be a long post, but hey that makes up for a week of not posting anything.

10:04 One on One, Hall and Oates – I was there for over an hour before I got the bright idea to start listing the banality I heard. Hall and Oates actually in their early days had some tunes that were not half bad. Rich Girl is a jam. But, One on One can suck my nuts.

10:07 That’s How Much I feel, Ambrosia – Yikes, welcome to WPUS country. Late 70’s lovers lament about how much some ass head needs his woman’s touch. Man the late 70’s were like Spanish Fly, if you had a beard and pretended to be sensitive.

10:12 I Justify Me, Nate James – I actually had to look this one up as I did not know it. (Thanks Google) I could have gone my whole life without knowing it. It is brutal.

10:15 Bill I Love You So, the 5^th Dimension – Do you now wonder how I make it through the days here? At least they didn’t pipe in another big hit by the 5^th Dimension, Up, Up and Away in my Beautiful Balloon. Still, this is not much better.

10:18 Dreaming with a Broken Heart, John Mayer – The rest of the world seems to like Mayer, don’t include me in that list. This “song” is further proof of his shitness. Just a complete throw away tune that has about as much soul as a loaf of white bread.

10:22 Crazy, Alana Davis – A bad knockoff to a bad band, in the Dixie Chicks. Do people really listen to songs like this?

10:27 I can not figure this song out. It is very similar to the song above. It a woman singing about how her former boyfriend is getting married today and she hopes she loves him and blah, blah, blah. Google was no help in finding it.

10:30 Mi Cherie, Stevie Wonder – Ok, the first song, I don’t really mind. I love early to late 70’s Stevie Wonder. Yes, this song was a prelude to Wonder’s ever sucking 80’s and 90’s library, but I still have a small soft spot for it.

10:34 Heart of the Matter, Don Henley – As the Dude would say, I hate the Fucking Eagles, man. And let me tack on to that, fuck Don Henley. As Denis Leary says, “How long is your pony tail now, Don?”

10:38 Take My Hand Close My Eyes, Cover – I know the original song my Golden Earring. Some lame women is covering it, and doing so very badly. I can’t place who is covering it so I can properly nuke.

10:42 Fly Like an Eagle, Seal – The original Steve Miller Band version is bad enough. This rendition is actually much worse, if that is possible. Why can’t someone cover Abracadabra instead?

10:46 My Boss called me so, I missed a couple of tunes.

10:52 Something Beautiful Inside, Newsboys – Wasn’t familiar with this one either. It is just another in a long line of bad soulless banality I have had to suffer through today.

10:56 Sweetest Taboo, Sade – I kind of like Sade. More of a Smooth Operator fan but still not a bad tune.

11:00 You Started It, Gwen Stefani – Man what happened to her. I actually like some of the No Doubt catalog. But her solo career is very Belinda Carlile like. This song is just plain bad.

11:03 Free as a Bird, The Beatles – Why, oh why of all the Beatle songs, is this the one that is played. I remember being so pumped when this song came out in 95ish and being let down hard. Real fucking hard. I love John Lennon but there was a reason this song was unreleased for so long.

11:08 Woman in Chains, Tears for Fears – I like some Tears for Fears songs, however this is not one of them. Give me, Everybody Wants to Rule the World, or Sewing the Seeds of Love any day over this shit.

11:14 Save it For a Rainy Day, Stephen Bishop – This has it all. Bad lyrics, soft guitar, bad horns and Chaka Khan backing up on vocals. Welcome to Sucksville USA.

11:17 What Kind of World Do you Want, Five for Fighting – I hate this band. It is pretty bad when you are trying to rip off Dave Matthews. I mean, there is lame and then there is Five for Fighting, which re-defines the word. Then again, their heart is in the right place with this song, so I will take it easy on them. Song still sucks, but they are at least putting their lame appeal to good use.

11:21 Little Deuce Coupe, The Beach Boys – Kind of a welcome relief among all the soft music I have heard. Still, not a fan of the Beach Boys (save for Pet Sounds.) I’m not from California, so maybe that is why I don’t get it.

11:23 Let Me Be the 1, Mary K. Blige – I am not a fan of Mrs. Blige. I am not really her target audience so, I don’t think she is losing any sleep over it. Still, I have to listen to this song and it is shit.

11:27 Circle of Life, Elton John – OK, now I am ready for a shotgun purchase so I can blow my head off. Upon hearing this my eardrums explode in a sea of soft rock carnage. I can take no more as I head off out of the building to lunch so I can play some Sabbath on my Ipod in the car and do a re-boot.

Okay, I had a nice lunch at White Castle. (I don’t get to eat the castle on lunch downtown and it is the day before payday.) I also made a couple of calls as soon as I got back and drowned out a song or two.

12:35 Tequila Sunrise, The Eagles – And I am right back in flavor country. If that flavor was plain. Have I mentioned that I hate the Fucking Eagles? (Yet, I love the Joe Walsh, James Gang stuff.) This song is just another example of how boring and uninspired their music can be at their worst, which this song is.

12:38 Wrapped Around Your Finger, The Police – A pleasant surprise. As most who know me can attest I am a big Police fan. I admit this is not their best or finest effort. Still I will take any victory I can. And the end of this song, Stuart Copeland rocks out on the drums as he always seems to find a way too.

12:43 Find Your Own Way Home, REO Speedwagon – I thought they were relegated to the cutout bins forever. Sadly, in 2007 they had an adult contemporary hit, I guess. Well, this song is a long way from Riding a Storm Out.

12:48 Roll With It, Steve Windwood – Was there ever a bigger fall then the one Steve Windwood undertook in the 80’s. I mean here was a guy who was in Traffic and Blind Faith. Then he puts out some really, really un-imaginative pop-ish crappy tunes in the mid-eighties. Damn, Steve were you that broke?

12:53 Pride, Shawn Colvin – At least I think this is her version of the popular U2 song. I like early U2 and I like the original song. I am not much of a fan of this interpretation and let’s just leave it at that.

12:58 I Just Want to Be Your Everything, The Bee Gees – Now, I admit to liking a couple of Bee Gee songs. Lonely Days and I Started a Joke are jams and I will argue that point with anyone. This however, is about as opposite of a jam as one can get.

1:01 Spooky Little Girl Like You, The Zombies – You know what, not a bad song. Again, I will take wins when I can get them and this song has something toe tapping about it.

1:06 A client actually came in and needed some assistance so, I missed a song.

1:10 Run Away, Nevio – I never would have gotten this song without Google’s help. I had never heard it. In case you are wondering, the song is crap.

1:14 Steal My Kisses, Ben Harper – OK, the first song, I will get up and applaud. I like Ben Harper, and I like this song. A very sweet little song, which has an infectious grove.

1:18 Just the Two of Us, Bill Withers – Hard to not like the vocal stylings of Mr. Withers. He just has a great voice no matter what he is singing. I am more of a Use Me guy but I can’t complain, hey two good tunes in a row. Is this a trend?

1:25 You are the Sunshine of My Life, Stevie Wonder – Well, another Stevie tune and another one I am not a huge fan of. Still, it has a little of the Stevie, in his 1970’s funk in it, no matter how small the doses. Three listenable songs in a row. Maybe I should go by a Lottery ticket.

1:28 Rich Woman, Alison Krauss – And just like that the streak is over and I am back in hell. I know people who like Krauss and I do not understand the appeal. Maybe I am missing something, or maybe I have this thing called, what is it, oh ya, taste.

1:32 Back in My Arms Again, The Supremes – You know I like Motown as much as the next guy. Still I have never been a huge Supremes guy. I can however appreciate the wall of sound and vocal stylings of Diana Ross so, I will accept this tune.

1:35 Caught by the River, The Doves – Another one I never heard. Can you guess I don’t spend a lot of time listening to 93.9? Anyway, yet another in a long line of soft guitar “rock.”

1:41 Lifting Off the Dreams, Dream Theater – At least I think this is the song. It seems to fit the profile. It is bad and flaccid inducing to the third leg.

1:46 Carry You Home, James Blunt – Have I ever mentioned how I hate James Fucking Blunt. His voice sounds as if someone is squeezing his nut sack as he attempts to warble out his feeble lyrics that brain dead soccer Mom’s seem to think have some deep meaning.

1:50 My Dad called to discuss our favorite baseball team so, I happily missed a couple of tunes.

1:52 Sad Songs, Elton John – Oh, Elton John you bitch. All my Aunts love him for some unknown reason. Well, I am sure my Aunts meant well, but all they did by incessantly playing his crap is turn him into Satan in my eyes. This song in particular is one of the worst ever recorded in the history of man.

1:57 What About Love, Heart – Heart in the 70’s did songs like Barracuda and Crazy on You. Heart in the 80’s produced songs like What about Love. Just an utter and complete pond scum of a song. (By the way I am trying to use as many metaphors for the term suck as any man can.)

2:00 Had to take a leak so, I missed a couple songs

2:04 You Make Loving Fun, Fleetwood Mac – Always liked this song for some reason. I guess I am a closet Fleetwood Mac fan.

2:08 When I fell in Love With You, Denis Jernigan – Another in a long line of putrid songs that came out of the 70’s.

2:11 Perfect Man, Destiny’s Child – Was not familiar with this song, and I wish it could have stayed that way.

2:13 Lost in the Moment, Big and Rich – What a brutal, brutal song. Just oozes sappiness from every word that is sang by these two assholes. I don’t want to know someone that actually likes this recording.

2:17 I got stumped again and google was no help. Some song about a women singing about how she was put back together by her man.

2:21 Cherish, Kool and the Gang – I kid you not, I actually heard it. Do I really have to comment on this one? To think this is the same band that did Jungle Boogie.

2:24 Games People Play, The Spinners – You know what not a bad song, so I will stop bitching for a minute.

2:28 Nothing Changes Around Here, The Thrills – I had never heard this one either. Actually this is not too bad, compared to a lot of what I have heard today. Maybe this music is turning my mind to mush.

2:31 A World Without Love, Peter and Gordon – Yes, there was bad music in the 60’s as well and this is proof of it. The sad part is these guys probably got laid a lot because of this song.

2:34 On Automatic, Michael Penn – Hard to believe this guy is realated to the coolest man on the planet, in Sean Penn. It is hard to believe because his music is of the pussed variety and this song is no different.

2:37 Satellite, Dave Matthews – I have ranted and ranted for my hatred of this shit magician and his extremely bad music. This is just another glaring example of why I hate him. This song is atrocious. I’m sorry, please someone (Mrs. Conway) defend this one.

2:41 Cake Parade, Georgie James – Another one I was not too familiar with. Looks like I like the politics of the song, so I will pass on nuking it.

2:45 Time in a Bottle, Jim Croce – I don’t mind Jim Croce, but I could do with out this song. Give me I’ve Got a Name or Don’t Mess Around with Jim instead. Hell I would take Operator over this tune.

2:47 Everybody Wants to Rule the World, Tears for Fears – I asked for it and I got it. Nice.

2:51 Apologize, Timbaland – I have heard this one before but never knew who did it. Now I know who to curse when I hear it.

2:54 Dreams, The Cranberries – Never was a fan of this song or this band. One of those throw away bands that came out of the early to mid 90’s.

2:58 Breath In, Breath Out, Matt Kearney – I read from his Wikipedia page, this song is on the Grey’s Anatomy Soundtrack which is appropriate as this song is as sappy and IQ challenged as that show.

OK, this seems like a good enough place to stop. I only have an hour and change left. If you read this far, you must be as bored as me. Still, it was therapeutic to do something to kill the time in Downers.

Sports Radio Suck Hole

Being a sports fan you would naturally make the assumption that I would listen to a lot of sports radio. I used to but, due to Chicago’s two sports stations both sucking big balls, I have kind of stopped altogether. Sports radio in Chicago has become a landing spot for either moronic former hot dog vendors or know-it-all condescending jerks. Here is my take on the two main stations in town, 670 the Score and ESPN 1000.

Score 670
6 AM – 10 AM: Mike North – The worst of the worst radio programs in Chicago. North is a simple minded High Scholl dropout who spouts his simple minded sports opinions at nausea. He never bothers to check facts, when offering his opinions. He also, has started talking politics on what is supposed to be a sports talk show. It is really a complete black hole of intelligence on the Score in the mornings that caters to the lowest of the low.

10 AM –Noon: Mike Mulligan and Brian Handley – While Mulligan and Handley seem like nice guys they talk way to much football for my tastes. I think Mulligan knows his football but when he tries to talk anything else he seems lost. Handley is fine but, does not distinguish himself in any way good or bad.

Noon – 2 PM: Mike Murphy – Ah, Murph. I actually like Murph because, he talks baseball and he is a Cubs fan. Still, he is a major geek and plays too many games on his shows. Also, once he has his mind made up he rarely can be talked out of it no matter what. Still, I like him and it is one of the few shows I will still listen to when I get a chance.

2 PM – 6PM: Terry Boers and Dan Bernstein – Oh, how I hate these two jackasses. Bernstein is a know it all dickhead who enjoys berating the listeners with his superior attitude. He makes people feel like shit if they happen to disagree with him. Even when he is wrong he will never admit it. Terry Boers is no better. He thinks he is funnier then he really is and has a similar attitude to Bernstein. I can not stand either of these pricks and I can not understand how anyone could listen to them.

6 PM – 10 PM: Laurence Holmes – I like Holmes, actually. His show is entertaining enough but I rarely listen. His show airs at night and I don’t listen to a lot of radio, let alone sports radio when he is on.

ESPN 1000
5 AM – 9 AM: The Mike and Mike Show – If you want to know what is going on with the New York and Boston teams well this is a good place to go. If like me you could give a shit, then avoid this program. Greenberg and Golic’s act is about as fresh as a Fonzie sticker on your Trapper Keeper. It is old and boring and their show is the same.

9 AM – Noon: Waddle and Silvy – This is probably the only show I don’t have a lot to complain about. I like Mark Silverman. He is a Cub fan and not a stupid one. He is honest about the team and gives pretty good insight on all matters he talks about. Waddle can get grating. He is a big time Republican Bozo and sometimes that thinking oozes into his opinions on sports. But by and large this is the one show, I will listen to on either sports station without cringing.

Noon – 2 PM: Mike Tirico – Why ESPN 1000 insists on going to a national program during the day is beyond me. I think it is because it is cheaper then hiring a local person to a do a regional program. Why Mike Tirico keeps getting jobs is also a mystery. He is as exciting as vanilla ice cream and offers no insight what so ever. He is a softball interviewer and I get dumber just listening to his show.

2PM – 6 PM: Mac, Jurko and Harry – I like Jurko, he adds some funny moments to the program. That is all I can say good about this show. Harry seems like a nice enough guy, but is a complete and utter nerd. Also, his half assed nonsensical opinions are almost laughable. He actually suggested the Cubs retire Mark Grace’s jersey. I have never liked Dan McNeal. He is another know it all, pompous ass who thinks he is smarter then he really is. McNeal just comes off surly most of the time. Since he steers the program, it makes it hard to listen.

7 PM – 9 PM: The Show – This is kind of a revolving door for ESPN 1000 hosts. It usually consists of two of the three, Jeff Dickerson, Carmen DeFalco and Jonathan Hood. I like Hood, even if he does get on his high horse a little too much. He used to be much better when he was on the Score doing impressions. Still, for a Sox fan I can handle him. Dickerson isn’t bad either. Is more of a football guy and he does know the sport. Carmen is an annoying Sox fan. In small doses I can handle him, but eventually he irritates me. Again, in this time slot I don’t listen very much.

Post Retirment Suggestions For W.

Come January, our current ass clown-President will like so many other Americans under his watch be out of a job. Now, he really doesn’t need the money, but he is still a young man and retirement can be boring. He will more then likely, like all former Presidents write a book and then go onto the lecture circuit. But, paying George Bush to speak is kind of like paying R. Kelly to baby sit your fifteen year old daughter. It does not make a lot of sense.

So, I have some suggestions for old Georgie Porgie pudding pie. Here are some careers he can pursue once January 2009 roles around.

Stand Up Comedian – I mean the guy is pretty much a joke now anyways so, it ‘s not much of a leap. Every chance this guy gets he tries to throw some humor into it and hey while he is no Shecky Green, he is not half bad. He could wow the old Bob Hope crowd with his brand of humor.

Bartender – Think about it, he could be the new Sam Malone. Being a recovering alcoholic, he doesn’t partake anymore but, he knows how to make a lot of different drinks. Plus with his witty repertoire he could earn a lot of tips from your local bar files.

Rancher – Considering the amount of time he loves to spend on his ranch in Crawford, Texas he might as well make a career out of it. It is the closest he will become to be a real life actual cowboy as opposed to the one he plays on TV. He can steer and brand them cattle while playing Merle Haggard on his IPOD. Sometimes, dreams can come true.

Horror book writer – Since he is so good at spinning fairytales and creating fear among the average Joe’s he is a natural for horror novels. He could be the new Steven King. He creates stories where evil doers attack us because of our freedom. He creates scary monsters that have things called weapons of mass destruction. He would be a natural. The only draw back is his inability to master the English language which sadly for him is a job requirement for all writers.

Used Car Salesman – He is so good at bullshitting, he would be a natural. Kind of like the Kurt Russell character in the movie Used Cars. I mean this guy is so good at slinging bullshit at the general public, he could sell a 1976 Ford Pinto to a demolition derby driver. Couldn’t you see it? Him in that 1970’s bad suit, trying to sell the virtues of a Dodge Dart. It is beyond obvious.

All the above are good, but you know what he should really do. He ought to volunteer at the Red Cross or a VA hospital so, he could just all the un-needed damage and lives he has cost. He could see the pain in the eyes of the families he has affected with unnecessary actions all in the name of avenging his Daddy. Maybe at that point the shit-brained cowboy would finally gain a conscience.

Ladies, Read On

Men are assholes. Well, really so are a lot of women. But, a big time number of males are drooling slobs that have no idea what a woman wants or any idea how to please her sexually. This does not bother me much anymore since I am no longer on the dating scene. But, back in the day, I used to sit back in amazement watching total jackals have success with women they had no business having success with. In the end I am not sure who I hated more, the brain dead over-testosteroned men or the easily duped clueless women who fell for the drunken fake macho crap.

So, I write this one for the ladies of America. I feel bad for you for having to be stuck with so many adolescent cave men. Here for your reading pleasure are things to look for in a guy. If he has these characteristics, do yourself a favor and walk away. There are better guys out there for you. You don’t have to settle. Also, I want to dispel a popular myth. Women, you can not no matter how much you try, change a man. His boorish personality is already too ingrained for you to do anything about it.

He wears lame, expensive sunglasses as a fashion statement. I know I am really generalizing here, but damn it I can not help it because 99% of the guys I have met who have this look are just plain scum. I don’t get spending more then $2.00 on a pair of sunglasses. I also don’t get wearing them for any other reason besides blocking out the sun. Yet, it seems wherever I look, I see these ass heads wearing their Oakley sunglasses like it is still cool. It wasn’t cool in 1986 and now it is just beyond lame. Ladies, if your man is doing this take it as a sign. Also, if this look is attractive to you, then God help you.

He soups up a shitty car. You know the type. He goes out and takes his shitty Chevy Cavalier and puts a dual exhaust in it. Or he installs some low rider shocks and gets custom rims. To say that is lame is not good enough. It is simple minded, two inch dick, buffoonery at its finest. Even when I was a young man and drove shitty cars, (and trust me I drove a Monarch, an Omni, and a Nova so I know from where I speak) the thought never occurred to me to pimp it out. It is kind of like spit shining a turd. There is only one reason a guy would do this and it is to try to dupe similarly IQ challenged women. Well, trust me these guys don’t know the first thing about women or their anatomy.

He spends more time fixing his hair then you do. This is simply vanity and there is no reason for it. Also, you can guarantee a guy like this is selfish in bed. Meaning it is five thrusts, he’s done and you will lay there unfulfilled. Guys like this, are usually self-centered pricks who are more in love with themselves then they could ever be with a woman. They are conceded, off putting, and know it alls. If you find that desirable, then hook up with them. Just do yourself a favor and buy a good vibrator. You are going to need it.

He constantly makes fun of the gay community around his friends. You know the type. He calls things he doesn’t like gay. He constantly mocks homosexuals and uses any number of the classic bigoted terms. More then likely this guy is a closet case. This is the ultimate defense mechanism. The thinking goes, the more I make fun of it, the more heterosexual I will appear. Kind of like the Reverend Haggart and Larry Craig. Stupid men think this makes them appear more macho when really it makes them appear simpler minded and out of touch. Holding on to some lame out dated, antiquated stereo-types is just plain ignorant. Yet, I see guys like this all the time with women on their arms and it boggles my mind.

He won’t introduce you to his friends or family. There is a reason for this. He is embarrassed of you. He only thinks of you as a piece of ass. If he didn’t he would not have a problem showing you off. Trust me once he gets in your pants, he will dump you in a very dick like fashion.

He listens to Dave Matthews. You see either he actually likes Dave Matthews or he is lying about it. Either way it is a bad character flaw. If a male really actually listens to that lame banality and thinks it is anything other then pure crap, then well their opinion can not be trusted on anything. Conversely, he may say he likes Dave Matthews simply because he thinks that makes him look sensitive in a woman’s eye. When really it makes him look like a fucking pussy.

He thinks he is funny but he is not. Lame, recycled jokes are the norm for the buffoons who think mimicking a bit they heard in 1988 is still relevant and funny. Sadly, these fucktards live in an illusion where Dane Cook and Andrew Dice Clay are funny. These jackals are not funny and they are not clever. If you want to spend your time with un-originality be my guest.