The Wrong Wing

The other day, I went by the Pit Rib House on Roberts Road to pick up some dinner. For those not familiar with the restaurant layout, it has two driveways to get into the parking lot. One is the entrance and the other, you guessed it is the exit. As I attempted to pull into the entrance, there was a large red SUV of some sort just sitting there blocking anyone attempting to pull in.

Because of this I was forced to sit on Roberts Road and wait for an opening in the exit lane of the parking lot. The asshole in the SUV just sat there either oblivious to the nuisance he was causing or he just didn’t give a shit. At long last, I sneaked into the exit and parked my car. As I walked towards the entrance I got behind the SUV that was causing the blockage. I got up behind him and got a look at his license plate cover and it all became crystal clear.

The license plate cover read, “You’re in a No Spin Zone” Bill O’Rielly Fox News. Instantly it all made sense. You see as a typical Republican he only cares about himself. Why worry about the countless others he was inconveniencing. As long as he was comfortable in his SUV, waiting for his fat ass wife to pay the bill everything was fine.

I can usually spot an asshole right winger like that within five minutes of talking to them. Here’s another example. I was on the Great Lakes Naval base for work awhile back dealing with this jagoff. He was a power whore and everyone in the base was kissing this asshole’s brown-eye. Everyone that is except me. He tried to intimidate me with his age old, outdated military bullshit attitude. To make a long story short, he wanted to have a ticketing printer (a printer that a third party vendor supplies. I do not provide it) setup a certain way. Unfortunately, the cable that the vendor left was not really long enough for what he wanted. I guess this fact wasn’t good enough for Sgt. Asshead.

I tried explaining this to him but he wanted none of it. Then I offered him an alternative where I could run the cable under a cube. The cable would have been exposed but he would have gotten the printer where he wanted it. His reply and I kid you not was this, “I don’t want this to look all Afro.” So, I hooked it up so as it wouldn’t look all “Afro” and told him to call the third party vendor to get a longer cable. As I was leaving I looked into this assholes cube and I saw the singed photo of George and Laura Bush that must be standard issue at the jag-off association meetings.

I hate to generalize here, because I know not every right winger thinks these ways, but when you see things like this it gives the stereotype credence. The Republican logic where they only concern themselves with things that directly affect them reeks of selfishness and greed. Forget about the rest of society, mine is mine. Fuck everything and everybody else. That kind of thinking has gotten us eight years of George W. Bush. You reap what you sew I guess.

Blanche

I have one more story involving my friend Zar, from back in the day’s when we roamed the halls of Argo Community High School. He used to date a girl named Debbie, we called her Blanche. Zar’s entire posse, including me hated her. So, one day our friend, Rosier coined the nickname of Blanche onto her and it stuck. We would call her that and she would get beyond pissed. Harassing us to tell her what we meant by it, which of course was nothing. We just knew it pissed her off, so we kept calling her Blanche.

This girl was off her rocker. She was obsessed with Jon. We were playing softball one day up at St. Fabian’s. She went with her Mom up to Kmart. Once her Mom was in the store she stole the keys from her purse and stole the car and drove over to watch Jon play, leaving her Mom in the store wondering where the hell she went.

Most of the summer of 1986 we were subjected to this girl and her lunacy thanks to her dating Zar. I remember Jon, basically begging me and Doyle to go to her birthday party. He assured me there would be beer. So, with the enticement of some hooch, I against my better judgment went to her party. Zar was right, there was beer. Unfortunately it was Coors Light and some old hag was drinking it all and would not let anyone under age even sniff a can. So, instead Doyle and I were treated to a one hour torture session watching Blanche open all of her gifts of which there were many.

She attended Queen of Peace when Zar met her. But not being able to talk to Jon while he was at school, in October she transferred to Argo. Much to my dismay, she would be in my World History class, which also happened to be my last class of the day. It was torture having to go to that class and have to deal with her on a daily basis.

It all came to a boil one afternoon. I got up to take a leak in the middle of class. I came back to find that she had snagged my keys off of my desk. The bell rang she still had my keys and would not give them back for some reason. All the buses left and it was me and her left at Argo. I was naturally pissed. Her solution was to call her Mom. Her Mother came to Argo and I was then stuck in a car with Blanche and her Mom as she gave me a ride home. Blanche only gave me my keys back once I got to my house.

That was the last in many straws for me. I knew this girl Sherri was basically in love with Zar so, my friends and I all banded up and basically talked Zar into dumping Blanche and dating Sherri. (Not that she would be much better, it was basically like trading one psycho for another.) Blanche did not take this well.

At first she tried everything in her power to get Jon back. But Zar smartly wanted nothing to do with her. One night after she barged her way into a party we had to hide Zar in a linen closet. Another night Dell and I incurred her wrath as she tried to muscle her way into Dell’s Impala and force Dell to drive her to Zar’s house.

As the anger grew and grew inside of her she became beside herself. With no other options she decided to hire “hit men” to get me, Dell and Doyle. She paid at least two guys that I know of to kick our asses. The good thing about it was, I knew one of the guys pretty well. He told me of Blanche’s offer. I told him to take her money, which he did and my ass never got kicked.

This made her become even more insane, which made my World History class a nightmare. Dell, had the pleasure of having her in a class as well. One day they got into a verbal sparring match and she followed him all the way into the men’s bathroom. She, tired getting me in trouble with my History teacher, claiming I cheated off her on a test. (Which was baseless as I scored higher on the test then she did.)

Eventually, our senior year ended and Blanche became an after thought. That was until one day, years later I picked up the Southtown Economist and wandered over to the police blotter. I read a story about a bar fight at Cagney’s and wouldn’t you know it seems like Blanche started it. As I read the story, a smile came across my face and I thanked God, Zar had the good sense to dump her when he did. Who knows what that loon might have done if he dated her longer then the four months that he did.

More ADD Thoughts From Nick

Here are some more random thoughts from the mind of Nick

I fucking hate Lincoln Park Trixies – Did I say hate, I should say I would like to kick all their well toned asses back to Wisconsin, Iowa, Michigan or wherever the fuck they came from because none of them are from Chicago and they are all the same. They are all un-original, non thinking talking heads, who spout their lame robotic speak everywhere you go. All they are good for is being frat boy sperm receptacles, or being some rich white guys mid life crisis arm candy. So go drink your half calf, skim latte, Starbucks, and go to another Jimmy Buffet concert and delude yourself that you are hip and do the rest of us all a favor and get sterilized so that you won’t produce more dough eyed kids that you turn into miniature versions of yourself. We have enough Baby Gap’s in this world, thanks.

Carson Pierre Scott’s bathroom is paradise – The other day I was with Joyce at my favorite place, Chicago Ridge Mall. We had just eaten lunch and while she was trying to figure out what purse she wanted to buy, my stomach started grumbling and I realized it was time to drop the kids off at the pool. We where in Carson’s so, I made my way upstairs to their restroom. Let me tell you, their bathroom is beautiful. First off their stall’s all have doors on them that go all the way to the floor. It is like you are in your own personal closet. Then the sinks are all spaced apart enough so that you are not washing your hands while accidentally having intercourse with the guy next to you. On top of that it was spotless. You could eat off the floors, they where that clean. I am telling you for a bathroom at a mall, Carson’s can’t be beat.

Ferris Buehler’s Day Off was the best John Hughes movie – I was discussing the works of Mr. Hughes the other day with my wife. We then got into a semi debate over which of his 80’s films was his best. To me it is a blowout. Ferris Buehler's Day Off was his best in a landslide. Sixteen Candles has it’s moments but it is a little too much of a chick movie for my tastes. The Breakfast Club was too sappy, even for a John Hughes film (which is saying something as all his films have that sap factor in the end.) Pretty in Pink, despite Ducky, and James Spader playing a great Dick, doesn’t do it for me. Weird Science while good at times, is not in the same league as the Matthew Broderick classic.

Despite what you may have heard, baseball is still America’s Game – Everywhere I look, I see some bobble head ESPN anchor stating that football has overtaken baseball as America’s game. Let me be the first to call bullshit on that. Listen, I love football as much as any red blooded American. But, baseball is a far superior sport. I won’t go into all the reasons for this, but there are many. The Football fanatics will all spout TV ratings as proof of football’s dominance over baseball. Comparing the two sports is difficult because they are very different. A 16 game season where every game is important compared to a 162 game season where a loss is not as big of a deal is just one example of the difference. If you need proof, look at the steroids issue. Football players use roids and they serve a 4 game suspension and no one talks about it. In baseball fans want to throw asterisks on records because of perceived usage. People still care about baseball and there is no doubt that baseball is held to a higher standard. It is still America’s game and it is stronger then ever.

I hate the new Sun Times Movie Section – I buy the Sun Times to read on the train for its convenience. You don’t have to fold and unfold every page. It turns like a magazine. For some reason they decided to change the Movies section in their Friday paper into the folding nightmare that it has become. It makes it much harder to read in the cramped quarters of the train. They used to put it inside their weekend section of the Friday paper, and that was fine. But for no other reason then for the sake of change they have created this new Movie section. So, now when I want to get Ebert’s movie reviews I have to unfold the section like a map. Sun Times editors, you need to address this and soon.

Nick's Baseball Awards

As the MLB season winds down, I will give my vote for the awards in each league.

National League
MVP – Matt Holiday Rockies – Really this is a race between Utley in Philadelphia, Fielder in Milwaukee and Holiday. I give it to Holiday on the strength of his overall numbers. With an average well above .300, over 30 homers, and over 100 RBI’s it is hard to argue against him. I know the Colorado factor is still there but ever since the humidor it is not the hitter’s paradise it once was.

NL Cy Young – Jake Peavy, Padres – Really his and his alone. Eighteen wins and leads the league in ERA. Peavy has been one of the best in baseball for a couple of years now, and this season he put it all together. Webb in Arizona and Saito the great closer for Dodgers get an honorable mention.

NL Rookie of the year – Ryan Braun, Brewers - Man does the NL have some great rookies this year. This has boiled down to a three man race. Ryan Braun of Milwaukee, Hunter Pence of Houston and Chris Young of Arizona. In a close call I have to give it to Braun. Over 30 homers and a batting average at .324 it is hard to argue. Pence has been sensational for Houston and Young has been a key cog for the D’Backs but Braun has been out of his mind this year.

NL Manager of the Year -Bob Melvin, Diamond Backs – As much I love the job that Lou Pinella has done I have to say Bob Melvin in Arizona has gotten more out of his team then anyone else.

American League
AL MVP – Alex Rodriguez, Yankees – It is too bad for Magglio Ordonez in Detroit because any other year he is the MVP. Rodriguez’s numbers are mind boggling. 52 homers, and 141 driven in with two weeks to go, numbers that speak for themselves. Truly an amazing season for A-Rod.

AL Cy Young – Josh Beckett, Red Sox – Man this is a tough one. There are a number of worthy candidates. Carmona and Sabathia in Cleveland and Escobar in LA are also having fine seasons. But, Beckett with his 19 wins and low 3 ERA get my vote. He has been the glue for that staff all year.

AL Rookie of the year, Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox – In what is a somewhat weak field Pedroia is the best of the lot. Josh Fields of the White Sox has quietly put up good numbers but his late call up hurts him. Pedroia is hitting over .300 and has been a catalyst for the Red Sox all year.

AL Manager of the Year – Eric Wedge, Indians – In a year where no AL Manager has really done an outstanding job, Wedge has been better then anyone else in the AL, so the award goes to him.

Howard the Duck

Sometimes someone will mention a movie or a song and it will remind you of someone or something from your past. You can not mention the movie Howard the Duck around me, without the following story popping back into my consciousness like it happened yesterday.

It was I believe my junior year of high school. My friend Zar and I used to get a ride everyday to Argo from our friend Chris Dusza. Neither one of us had our drivers license yet. Well one morning Dusza picks me and Zar up and it is raining cats and dogs. We get to the viaduct on 63^rd and Archer that we took to get to Argo and it is flooded. There is no way his 1984 Blue Ford Escort wagon is going to make it. So, we turn around. Dusza drops me and Zar off at my house. My Mom had still not left for work. She was cool enough to call in for me.

Zar, then got on the phone, called his Mom and she called in for him. Dusza went home so he could meet up with his girlfriend. That left me and Zar at my house with no car. We entertained ourselves for about an hour with bad TV but we got bored pretty quick. Then Zar got a bright idea. He suggested we ride our ten speeds to Chicago Ridge Mall.

Being young, careless, and bored in the suburbs in 1986 meant that you went to the mall to relieve that boredom. Normally that is no big deal, but like I said it was really raining outside. Basically, it was ark weather but we were not to be deterred. Zar lived relatively close to me so, he walked home and grabbed his bike and rode it back over to my house. We then went from my house to our friend Mike Doyle’s house as he was off from school as well.

According to Mapquest it is 4.14 miles from where Doyle lived to that mall. Let me tell you it poured rain on us the entire way. Being young and stupid none of us had a hat or rain coat on. So, by the time we got to the mall we were beyond drenched. (A real good look for when you are trying to troll teen mall ass.) But, we had made it to our destination.

Of course once we got there we basically had no plan of what to do or where to go. We headed over to Sbarro and grabbed a slice. While we were eating Zar suggested we go see a movie. We went up to the ticket booth to see what was playing. After looking over the titles, Zar suggested we go see Howard the Duck.

For those who have not seen this cinematic classic, basically it is about a Duck who arrives from another planet where he has to stop an evil alien invader. He can talk, he can rock and roll and can seduce Lea Thompson. Make sure you put it in your Netflix queue right away. It is in the team photo for worst movies I have ever paid to see in the theatre.

When the movie ends, it finally hits me. We had a free day off of school. How did the three geeks spend it? We basically rode our teen asses through a torrential rainstorm to go see Howard the Duck and grab a shitty piece of pizza. We got on our bikes to go home and it was still raining. As we biked home all we could do was laugh at the situation. Looking back it is one of those memories that I guess I will have for the rest of my life.

2008 GOP Candidates

Okay, I gave my half assed two second capsules of the candidates from my party. They say you should know your enemy so in that light, I give you my ten second takes on the players for the 2008 GOP nomination.

Sam Brownback Senator from Kansas – In a word, a douchebag. Or is that two words? He is a Christian zealot who would love it, if things were like they were back in his idolized 1950’s. Gay’s were shamed and in the closets. Women could not have abortions and blacks knew their place. Also does not believe in Evolution. Which is truly scary. Other then that he tows the line with most of the other Republican causes and thank god does not look like he has much of a chance of getting the nomination. Of course if he did he would be in my opinion pretty easy to beat.

Rudi Giuliani, former Mayor of New York City – Rudi has a lot going for him. Big time name recognition, as a one time mayor of a big city. Then of course are his perceived actions during the aftermath of 9/11. I won’t get into that (trust me most of his post 9/11 accomplishments are bogus.) He is pretty popular and would be very tough to beat. However, he is pretty liberal for a Republican on a lot of social issues. His personal life has some skeletons and might have a hard time getting the vote from the Christian wing of the GOP. I hope he doesn’t get the nomination because I really think he would be the toughest of the candidates to beat in November.

Mike Huckabee former governor of Arkansas – Another GOP candidate who does not believe in Evolution. Also, is very pro-life and does not even support civil unions for gays. Also, is still supporting Bush in Iraq which is mind boggling. He is gaining in popularity so, he has a shot at this thing. Also being from the south would make him a viable candidate. Still, with his radical religious views, I think he would be beatable in a general election.

Duncan Hunter Congressman from California – Who is Duncan Hunter? Hunter is a congressman from California, who is an extreme long shot. He has zero name recognition and outside of California not many people have ever heard of him. He is still supporting the War in Iraq and has voted along the Republican line at about a 90% clip. He is a big right to lifer and supports building a fence between Mexico and the US. Heard enough, let’s move on.

John McCain Senator from Arizona – I have a lot of respect for McCain for the service that he did for our country. There is no way you can mock or discount that. But when it comes to the issues, I rarely agree with him. Still from time to time he will not vote along party lines but by and large he is another pro-life, anti-gay Republican. Also, his age will come into question at some point. If he were elected he would be seventy two. That is pretty damn old to start serving your first term in the White House.

Ron Paul Congressman from Texas – Paul is more of a Libertarian then a Republican and is looked at as a maverick among the right. He strongly supports the small government theory. But, he also was against the war in Iraq from the beginning. He is a bit of a wild card and has gained a lot of support on the internet. Still he is a long shot and not really someone we need to worry about.

Mitt Romney former Governor of Massachusetts – First off, he is a Mormon. If there is a religion more whacko then Christianity it is Mormon. He is also a bit of a flip flopper depending on where he is speaking. He has come out as pro life. Then when it suited him in the liberal Massachusetts he stated he supports a woman’s right to choose. He is very anti-gay as he opposes gay marriage and civil unions. He is also still all for the war in Iraq. As of now, last poll I looked at he was leading. To me he is beatable, but I must admit this guy has some charm and may be able to win over Joe Six Pack.

Tom Tancredo Congressman from Colorado – Just a complete Dickhead. Thank God he is polling at about 1% so, he is not a threat. He is a big time, Anti-Immigration bigot. Not only is he against Illegal immigration he is against legal immigration as well. He is also a huge right to lifer, a big war monger and a basically a jag off. He is not only a bigot but a draft dodging hypocrite. If you don’t know the guy’s name, that is a good thing, trust me. The guy is a penis.

Fred Thompson Former Senator from Tennessee – An actor who is a politician in his spare time. Thompson, for a Republican is not that offensive. He is pro-choice and holds some other liberal viewpoints. He is married to a much younger woman and that may actually hurt him within the GOP ranks. He is a wildcard in the whole thing and even though he just entered the race is currently running third in the polls. He has name recognition and people know him, so he would be a tough candidate to beat.

2008 DNC Primary Canidates

We are still five months before the first Presidential Primary. I am a proud Democrat so, I will focus on the candidates of my party first and then look at the other side next. In reality by the time of the Illinois primary, the winner of the nomination should be pretty much in the bag. But still, I will give my two minute opinions of the field of the main candidates in no order other then alphabetical.

Joe Biden, Senator from Delaware – On the surface there is a lot to like about Biden. For the most part I agree with what he has to say. However, he may never get over his 1988 campaign blunder where he plagiarized a speech. It has been twenty years but something tells me if he where to win the nomination (a tall order) the Republicans would be all over that long forgotten story. All in all he has been a Washington insider forever as he has been in the senate since 1973. This could be a plus or negative depending on how you view it. Overall, I don’t think he is delectable in a general election.

Hillary Rodham Clinton, Senator from New York – If there is a more polarizing candidate in this election I would like to know who that is. Her biggest weakness from what I can tell is that for the most part women don’t like her. Which if she is going to win she is going to need to get a big boost from the female vote. Still, her husband is very popular and many would vote for her as a vote in support of her husband. Then again, she is always going to be looked at as a carpet bagger (which she is) and you know the O’ Reilly’s and Hanitay’s are just praying she wins the nomination as they would have a field day with her. She is leading the polls. I am not sure she could pull off a victory in November 2008. A lot would depend on her running mate.

Christopher Dodd, Senator from Connecticut – Dodd has two big hurdles that I see. One is name recognition. Really does anyone outside of the Northeast even know his name? Second, he was divorced in the early 80’s and lived kind of a wild lifestyle when he became single again. That past could hurt him. In reality Dodd has no shot and I don’t see him getting past Iowa. He is pretty liberal which I like, but there is no way he gets the nomination.

John Edwards, Former Senator from South Carolina – I actually like Edwards. Sure, he is a politician, but they all are. Edwards has a lot of things going for him. He has a message that resonates. He is from the South which any Democrat who plans on winning is going to need to win at least one or two southern states. He is not a life long politician. He served only one six year term in the Senate. His lack of experience could also be a weakness which would get exploited by the right. Also, his unsuccessful run with Kerry in 2004 may paint him in a bad light. Still, I like Edwards a lot and he would get my vote as of right now. I think he is the Democrat’s best chance in a general election. He is a master debater and from what I have seen has the balls to stand up to the barrage of bile that is going to come his way.

Mike Gravel, Former Senator from Alaska – Who is this guy you say? Mike Gravel was a US Senator in 1981. That was 26 years ago. Since then he has bounced around doing some Real Estate work and was a stockbroker. Gravel’s candidacy is a bit of a joke. He favors abolishing the IRS among other things. Gravel seems like a nice enough guy as I recently saw him on Bill Mahr’s show. Still, at less then 1% in the polls he won’t last long in this election.

Dennis Kucinich, Congressman from Ohio – I am big fan of this guy’s. He is one of the very few politicians who was against the war from the beginning. He was one of the few who had the balls to speak out against it from the start. He is very liberal and is not a politician, in that he will state his opinion popular or not. That is what is going to hurt him. His lack of political savvy is his undoing. He has very little name recognition, and is looked at as unelectable. I like the guy, I really do and he makes sense when he talks, but there is no chance of him pulling off what would be a major upset.

Barack Obama, Senator from Illinois – It is rare that a politician gets me as excited as Obama got me in 2004. I saw him on a debate for the Democratic nomination for the senate seat in early 04 and was impressed from the start. I must say though lately he has kind of disappointed me. He has become sort of scripted now. He has not shown in my opinion the necessary backbone that great leaders need. I agree with almost everything he stands for, but he has made some mistakes and is showing his in-experience. I just don’t think it is his time. Maybe in 2012 or 2016. Hopefully, he learns from his mistakes this go round and becomes the candidate I think he can become.

Bill Richardson, Governor of New Mexico – Richardson is a joke. Plain and simple this guy is clueless. I thank god he is in the election because he has provided a lot of comedic moments. He has shown he is extremely un-informed and naive on various topics. He has no chance, thank god of securing the nomination.

Nick's Urban Dictionary

Here is some Nick Slang. Over the years here are some phrases that have entered into my vocabulary. So, if you are around me and I use these terms this is what they mean.

Pulling a Dean – Don’t use this one much anymore since I and most of my friends are now married. When you want to break up with a girl you haven’t really dated long and you don’t want to deal with the confrontation, just, “Pull a Dean” which means don’t call her or answer the phone when she calls. Avoid her at all costs and she will eventually get the message. Its origins come from a friend of a friend, Dean who was famous for this.
Example: I got to third base with Sally, but I am sick of her so I am going to pull a Dean.

She’s a Ruppert – Basically slang for a female who is a tease. A girl who will lead you on and then leave you with a case of blue balls. Named after a girl we used to work with at K Mart who was as hot as hell and would literally throw herself at any guy. Then as soon as things were starting to get intimate she would leave you hanging.
Example: Man, that girl is hot as hell, but be careful because she is a Ruppert.

The One Eye – Created by Mike Dell and his SIU brethren. When you say you are going to do something or go somewhere and then you don’t you just gave someone the one eye.
Example: That Fucker said he was going to come out tonight, and then didn’t show. He just gave me the one eye.

Ishcabibble – Another one we don’t use much anymore since we are again all married. It was our code for beer goggling which at one time every man has been guilty of.
Example: Nick was going to make out with that girl who was as big as Orca so, I had to tell him ishcabibble.

How’s Dell – Was our code when we were somewhere and we wanted to leave. It got it’s origins from going to visit this girl’s apartment and none of us really wanted to go. So, we said, to say How’s Dell and that would be code that it is time to leave. It then stuck.
Example: Nick: So, How’s Dell. Nick’s friend: Well we really should be going.

Double Dong – To get not only fucked over, but to get it in two orifices. Its origins come from the name of a certain type of vibrator.
Example: Man, I just got laid off and my car broke down, I just got Double Dong’ed.

Violation – Yes, I am a geek and play Fantasy Football. Years ago there was a team in our league that was called the Violators. Well, they had a game where they scored like 12 points. So, going forward anytime your team scores less then 20 you got a Violation.
Example: Man, not only did I lose, I got Violated 110-19.

Hey Minkman – Basically this is one my brother and I use. Back in the 80’s there was a great sketch on Saturday Night Live about a couple of brothers who made whoopee cushions and fake vomit and were worried about cheap knockoffs. The recurring line throughout the sketch was, “It’s a Minkman.” For some reason my brother and I still refer to each other as Minkman
Example: Nick: Hey Minkman. Vince: What’s up?

I Have to Print Something Out – I use this one at work with my co-workers. It is basically code for I have to take a shit. Its meaning comes from the fact that when the mood hits, we will print off an article from the internet to bring into the stall to read while it is going on.
Example: Hey, I just had a bowl of oatmeal and a glass of prune juice. I have to print something out.

Like Feeling Low

Ten years ago around this time in 1997, I was probably at one of the lowest points of my life. There were two main reasons for this. One was the job I was at and the other was the girl I was dating. If you knew me or were around me then, I want to take this time to personally apologize. I was kind of out of my mind there for awhile and was in a bad place. The funny thing is less then one short year later I would meet Joyce and my life would be a whole lot better. But it was hard to see a sunny future on the horizon at that point in time.

I was working in Skokie at Monsanto. I hated that job and that is putting it mildly. I was consulting, which meant I didn’t get any vacation. So, if I wanted to take time off I didn’t get paid. Therefore, I didn’t take one week of vacation in the calendar year of 1997. I never got a chance to have a mental re-boot, if you know what I mean.

I worked in one of those Office Space type buildings out in the suburbs that looked like every other generic office building you’ve ever seen. Our lunch choices beyond our bland cafeteria were corporate fast food or a Lone Star.

The people I supported were vile. They had all been working there since the Hoover administration and were all brain washed automatons that all towed the company line. The problem with that is the company was an unholy beast that did some truly terrible things. I had an internal tug of war every day I worked there. Monsanto created genetically engineered foods and did substantial animal testing.

Thank God, the building I worked in did not conduct said, animal testing. One day, I was sent to the building that did do the testing to back fill. I had a ticket for someone in the basement where the testing was done. It smelled of death. I could not take it, so I basically passed it on to another technician.

I had to drive in every day to this corporate campus hellhole and deal with the worst of the worst. In thinking about it, it is probably a tie in trying to figure out which were the worst clients I ever supported between these assholes and the traders I supported at Bank One. With my career at a low point I could have really used a nice home life. Sadly, this was not the case.

I often sit and wonder just, how I could have deluded myself into falling for my ex-girlfriend’s insanity and mind games for as long as I did. I won’t even mention her name. To type it brings back so much shame, it scares me. I moved for her. Again, I don’t know why I did. I could go off on a rant on all the things that were wrong with her and that relationship. But, some part of me wants to block out as much of that time as I can.

I had moved to Elmwood Park and lived in a rat hole of an apartment by myself for a couple of months. Then in September of 97 I moved in with my girlfriend and her son. It was a nightmare and when I moved out in August of 98 it was as if I had been paroled. I had another month on my lease but, I broke it just so I could get the hell out of there.

I don’t know what I dreaded more, going to work or coming home. I never met or dated a more insecure or warped minded woman in my life. Each night was like Chinese water torture. The obvious question is why did I stay for so long with her? I guess I wanted to prove to myself that I could make a relationship work. I was so bad at them, that I was beginning to think that I was doomed.

I was personally responsible for the breakup of every relationship that I had ever been in up to that point. Ask Joyce, I can be as stubborn as a mule when I make up my mind on something. I put my mind to it, for some reason that I was going to tough it out with this fruitcake no matter what. Of course looking back, a blind man can see the relationship was doomed from the start but, when you are in something, sometimes it is hard to see things clearly.

As the days and months went by, and more and more of my pride and sanity were chipped away, I became relegated to my fate. I figured I made my bed and I was going to sleep in it. It was a fateful trip I took to Ohio for my Dad’s 50^th birthday party that lifted the fog I was in. My girlfriend didn’t go with me and being away from her and my shit job for a couple of days was like a B12 shot.

I actually for the first time in a long time had fun. I realized just how insane my situation was. So, when I got back in town I was determined to make some life changes. I was going to find a new job and ditch my girlfriend and get back to the life I had before the hurricane that she was, approached. It would not be easy and it took some time but I did it.

In July of 1998 I got my job at Harris Bank. When I consider everything, the four and a half years I spent at Harris were the most satisfying of any I have had at any job I’ve ever worked at. I was making some good money, had great benefits, worked with cool people and was downtown. I met my current boss at Harris, and I would not have the job I have today if I didn’t make that move.

It was also that first day at Harris where I met Joyce. I was on the Y2K team and on my first day, we had a meeting where I was going to meet all of my team members. I was the first one there. When Joyce arrived she caught my eye and well, as they say the rest is history.

I guess, my whole point of this is as low as I was ten years ago, and trust me I was low, the light at the end of the tunnel was just around the corner. I was resigned to my fate and kept wondering how I got myself into the mess I was in. I didn’t see any way out and just accepted things as they were. Fate is a funny thing, and I often wonder what if I had decided not to take that trip to Columbus. Would I have stuck around longer in my shit job and with my loony girlfriend? I shudder at the mere thought of it.