The holidays are here. Along with all the merriment, comes exchanging presents, dining on a nice Christmas ham, sipping some eggnog and for many getting drunker then an Irishman at a funeral. Unfortunately, this causes many amateur drunks to be out there causing problems for mainstream society. As a seasoned boozer, I have paid the price and learned many valuable lessons along the way, thus not placing an unneeded burden on anybody.
In reality I had a leg up. In my youth, I had my Uncle Dan there, to teach me how to drink and how not to drink. So, I have taken that advice and learned some of my own hard lessons, too become a pretty knowledgeable drinker. Yes, I still get hangovers and what not but, it is rare that I am the sloppy drunk who has lost control of all bodily functions, leaving my friends to take care of me.
With all of that said, in the sprit of the holidays am I going to offer, to the three people who read this blog a gift. I am going to impart all of my knowledge about drinking and give you Nick’s guide to being a functional drunk. You’re Welcome.
Like anything, be it running a marathon, climbing Mount Everest, or consuming a dozen Jaeger-bombs, the warm-up and training are crucial to one’s success or failure. If you only drink once or twice a year please, I beg don’t try to be a hero. Take it easy. Maybe just have some wine or a beer or two. If that is not an option and you need to get nice and stiff to fully enjoy the festivities with your family for the holidays well, try and follow this guide, and you may have a chance.
What you eat and when you eat it, are huge factors in your alcohol consumption. If you plan on dirking on an empty stomach, you are in trouble. You are better off, just sticking your head in the toilet at the beginning of the evening and save yourself the trouble later because, I can guarantee you, if you drink without eating you will vomit. With that said, eating while drinking is also not recommended. You need to give the food a chance to digest before you start consuming your Jack and Cokes. If you don’t give yourself the proper buffer time then, well the Christmas yams you just ate, will invariably be what you regurgitate out later that evening.
So, ideally what you want to do is eat a nice meal an hour or so before the heavy lifting begins. Something carb-heavy is ideal for soaking up all that alcohol. You don’t want to eat anything greasy. You want the least gas producing food you can think of before starting the proceedings. Pasta or a sub sandwich make perfect pre-game meals. Since this is Christmas and you are going to have to eat a Christmas dinner, the ham and turkey are fine as well as the mashed potatoes. Just remember don’t go overboard.
You have eaten your meal, let it digest and now want to grab the nearest bottle of Stoli and start getting numb. Well, go ahead but again be careful. If you start off drinking vodka, end the night drinking vodka. A common rookie mistake is changing liquors mid-way through the evening. This is usually a fatal mistake. If you start out drinking beer, and then decide what the hell, I will have a rum and coke, then proceed to start doing tequila shots, you are going to be in big trouble.
Staying with the same drink all night is very important. This is not easy as at some point when the buzz starts to kick in, logic goes out the window. It is very difficult to stay the course when someone is shoving a bottle of whiskey in your hand and calling you a pansy if you don’t take a shot. It is your choice but be warned, changing course midway through the evening is never a good idea.
Okay, so you are staying with Screwdrivers all night, that’s good. Now, slow down and enjoy your drink. This is not a high school kegger where you need to be home by mid-night or you will be grounded. There is no hurry. Relax and enjoy your refreshment. Slow and steady wins the race. The ultimate goal is to achieve a nice liquid personality buzz. If you start slamming them down like they are water, well you are going to have a problem.
I am not saying you need to put a nipple on your drink and sip the thing the whole night. You need to drink at a nice relaxed pace. Not to slow and not to fast. If you start slamming them early, you will never make it. Another common rookie mistake is trying to keep up with the biggest drinker at the party. That will only lead to you on your knees praying to the porcelain God. This is not a race. You are not drinking to impress someone. You are doing it to have fun. Cleaning vomit out of your hair the next morning is not fun.
So, you have followed all of the steps. You are tipsy but still upright. That still leaves the next morning. Now, you will still have a bit of a hangover. That is inevitable. However, to make the next morning when you are at mass listening to Father Chester Grabass, less of a struggle, just be careful how you end the night. A hangover is basically de-hydration. Drinking a lot of water right before you go to bed is a great way to avoid being hung-over the next morning. Also, as tempting as a nice midnight snack sounds be careful. You can eat but again play it safe. You don’t want to eat anything salty. That will only de-hydrate you more. Ideally, again some carbs to soak up the booze is a good suggestion.
What you eat for that late night snack can be the most important factor in how you feel the following day. In a drunken stupor again, bad decisions can be made such as eating a Hobo. This is a mistake that sadly, I have continued to commit. You can usually get one at most Greek diners in the city. Les Brothers makes a pretty good one. A hobo is a skillet containing scrambled eggs, melted cheddar cheese over hash browns. It sounds good, doesn’t it? And, it is very tasty. However, on top of all the booze you just had that cheese will act like a kind of liquid Draino in your bowels and you will literally be spending hours in the bathroom as your un-intentional enema does it’s damage.
Well, I hope that this guide will be help to those in need. Sadly, I still am prone to making many of the mistakes I have mentioned above. I consider myself a good drinker but one big problem that I have is doing things drunk that I would never do sober. I realize that there is a lot to follow, but if you follow this guide you should be fine the next day. And with that I wish all a very Happy Festivus.
