New Rules

Here are ten rules that trust me you will be better off if you live by them.

Never stay at a motel that states as a sales pitch in 2009 that they offer color TV.

Don’t send food back at a restaurant. Anyone that has ever worked at a dining establishment will fill you in on the horrors they have witnessed in the kitchen to food that was sent back.

On a similar note if you are going out to eat ethnic food and you don’t see at least one person of that ethnicity eating there it probably sucks so go eat somewhere else.

If a woman asks you your opinion between two pieces of clothing, just tell her to buy them both. You can never go wrong with that answer.

Never play cards with a guy who has the same name as a city. (Stole that from Teen Wolf, of all movies but it works.)

If a woman asks you if you have any kids, don’t answer none that I know of. That was never funny and even if it was at one time it stopped being so, in like 1986. Plus it kind of makes you look like an asshole.

When driving if at all possible never get behind a mini-van.

Put your cell phone in your pocket and on vibrate. If you are still wearing your cell phone on your belt buckle you are being mocked at behind your back, trust me. Also catchy, inane, ringtones are obnoxious and make you look so 1997.

Wait a minimum of one year and at least two service pack updates before installing any Microsoft product.

When at a restaurant don’t be a hero. Meaning if you are at Red Lobster don’t order the steak. You are always better ordering the item that restaurant is best known for. When you start to stray you more times than not will be sorry.

Accidents Will Happen

As some may or may not know last week I was in a car accident. That makes it the third one I have been involved in, in my life where I was behind the wheel involving another car. (I won’t count the time I hit the median because it didn’t involve another vehicle and it was my own stupidity that caused it.) In each of the three accidents I got rear ended. I will try here to give a replay of what happened.

I also need to say this. In the first two accidents, I was not at fault, but had I been a more experienced driver I feel I would have been able to avoid them. The accident I got in last week however, there was nothing I could have done to avoid that one. Lastly, I am the only one that after you get in an accident on a certain intersection you get apprehensive from that point on when you are driving on the same piece of pavement? I know it is illogical but, to this day I still get flashbacks whenever I am driving along these intersections. With that said, here are my recollections of the accidents I have been in.

1. 63^rd and Melvina. I was in my 1977 Brown Mercury Monarch. This would have been in late summer or early spring 1987. Nancy was in the car with me and we were following Rodney Long for some reason. (Of course neither one of us were wearing seat belts.) I have no idea where we were going. I just remember we were following him on 63^rd street heading east. There is a light on 63^rd and Melvina. I was driving along when the light turned yellow. Why I didn’t go for it, I have no idea. Instead I stopped as I must have thought I couldn’t make it even though Rodney did. Well, the guy behind me must have assumed I was going to go for it because as I stopped at the light, he didn’t. By the time he realized I had stopped it was too late. He slammed on his brakes but could not stop in time and he ran into my steel bumper.

He was driving a brand new Ford Thunderbird. As I said, I was in my Monarch which I paid $500 bucks for. My bumper was slightly bent. His T-Bird’s entire front end was totaled when he hit me. He hit us pretty good and I know my neck and back hurt for a couple of days after the crash and this was when I was eighteen when I recovered much more quickly to injuries then I do now.

It was my first accident and at this point I was driving for less than a year. The Chicago cops made us drive to 63^rd and St. Louis to fill out an accident report. It was determined that he was at fault. The guy that hit me had the most jippo insurance on the market. He was insured by a company called Coronet. Getting money out of them was like pulling teeth. They must have had me file three different estimates. Each place told me the same thing. To fix the car it was going to cost more than I paid for it. I haggled with them and after a couple of months Coronet cut me a check for the blue book value of the car which was $800. This was more then I paid for it and I was still driving it so, in the end it was a huge win.

If I had been more experienced as a driver I no doubt would have went for it. As it is, this is why I still hate to stop at a yellow light and only do so, if I know there is no chance I can make it and only when I look in my rearview mirror making sure no jackass is riding my ass. I think it is a common misconception that you are more likely to get an accident if you run the yellow. I am here to tell you otherwise. It was late at night and the streets were not that busy. If I had looked in my mirror before I broke for that yellow light I would have avoided that accident all together.

2. 109^th and Harlem. I was again in my Mercury Monarch. This was about a month after my accident on 63^rd. My brother had stayed the night at his friend Jeff’s house in Worth. My Mom charged me with picking him up the next morning. On my way there I was in the left lane on Harlem when all of the sudden this blue Vega slams on the brakes and decides he needs to make a left onto 109^th street. He stopped short which caused me to do the same thing. I slammed on my brakes and barely missed hitting him in the ass. Sadly the guy behind me was not so lucky.

A guy in a brand new (and the guy told me he had the car for about a month at this point) Dodge Daytona just plowed into me. This time the bumper while absorbing the damage was hanging off the rear of the Monarch. This guy completely totaled his Daytona to the point it had to be towed.

The Worth cop on the scene filled out the accident report and put the guy in the Daytona at fault. He raised a stink about it saying that I stopped short or some nonsense but, the cop basically said, that he must have been following too closely. They got into a semi-argument over it and I just sat there not wanting to be a part of their discussion. Eventually the other driver was ticketed and we were on our way.

I picked up my brother but my car was barely drivable. The rear bumper was hanging by a thread about an inch from the ground. Being that I was all of eighteen, I didn’t bother to try and tie it up or anything. I just drove back to my house in Bridgeview. That would be the last time I drove that car.

This guy had Allstate, which is of course a major insurance company. That didn’t stop them from trying to jip me as well. (I have never forgotten my experience with then and to this day hold a grudge) I had made the mistake of telling the other driver that I had just been in an accident and was getting the car totaled. So, when the Allstate adjuster called he didn’t want to give me a dime.

Details are a tad hazy but after some back and forth they finally agreed to give me half the blue book value of the car. So between the two accidents I netted $1,200 on a car I paid $500 for. Then I turned around and sold the car to my friend Chuck for $200 as it still ran. He wound up fixing the bumper (I believe by affixing a piece of plywood if I am not mistaken.) So, all told I wound up with a profit of $900 on the Monarch. I then went and bought the Omni for $600 and saw all my profits go into repairs on that beast.

3. 1-294 Southbound ramp to I-55 North. Between the incident and Harlem and last Tuesday I had a nearly 22 year run without getting in an accident with another vehicle. It was a hell of a run. I was driving home in my 2007 Honda Civic. I bought the car for my wife to drive but since she is downtown and I am in the burbs we have essentially switched cars. I vary my drive home depending on the traffic. I head down 294 and if the ramp is not that backed up I will take 55 to La Grange Road. That is nice in that you are only on the Stevenson for a mile. When that ramp gets backed up I then go to the 95^th street exit. It would be a no brianer to take the 95^th exit all the time but it has been under construction for what seems like a lifetime and the exit often is backed up.

Last Tuesday, I was driving home and I had to go to the vets to pick up some dope for my dog so, she wouldn’t lose her shit on the 4^th of July. He is on southwest highway near 111^th so, I figured it would be easier to just take 55 to La Grange to 111^th. So, I was going to brave the ramp no matter what.

It was backed up but, I have seen it worse. I was in the far left lane by the tollbooth. Since I have an I-Pass I was in that lane and it was backed to a standstill. So, as I sat there stopped without warning a Ford Focus just creamed me from behind. I had no warning and didn’t see it coming. When he hit me my first thought was that the trunk is now going to be in the backseat. But, it must not have been that bad as my airbag did not deploy.

I got out and saw the damage. My trunk had a dent in it and my bumper had some scratches but that was it. At the time I even debated about filing a report but, I figured I better. Good thing I did. The cop came and the other driver basically admitted the accident was his fault. He was totally apologetic and the cop arrived on the scene and filled out the report. My neck and back were sore for a couple of days but I am good now. Thank God I was wearing my seatbelt or they would be picking glass out of my forehead.

Anyway, I had the damage looked at and it is going to cost $1,400 to fix. Thankfully, the guy in the Focus insurance is footing the bill. It is in the shop as I write this and I should have it back by Friday if all goes well. All in all it could have been a lot worse so, I won’t complain. Hopefully I can go another 22 years accident free.