Women Part 3

After Jenny I got back on the dating scene and had a couple flings. I dated a girl who I met at 7-11. I dated a nanny I met sometime along the way. I also fooled around with Cindy a couple of times. However, none of them lasted and they all were fleeting. I was playing the field for awhile and having some fun. It was in April of 96 when I would meet someone that I would call my girlfriend for about two years. Two years of complete hell.

Her name was Kim and she was a firecracker. She had a killer body but was a mental midget. The story of how we meet shows just how karma can strike. Not being a believer in the eastern philosophies before hand, I would become one after this hellish experience. It was like any normal March weekday evening. I usually got a hair cut once a month and I was not very monogamous where I got this done. I was in search of finding someone who cut my hair the way I liked when I stumbled into a Great Clips one spring evening.

The girl’s name who cut my hair was Lisa. She had dark hair, dark eyes and was very pretty. Now, I knew she worked on tips and so I figured she was being nice for that reason. However, I picked up on something. I can’t tell you what it was but something inside of me told me to go for it. So, as I was leaving I handed her a card with my number on it and told her to give me a call if she wanted to go out some evening.

Much to my surprise the next Monday at work she called. We talked for a little while and agreed to grab a bite to eat that Friday night. When Friday rolled around I picked her up and we went to eat at an Italian restaurant in the area. She was pretty and really nice but once I got alone with her she was pretty boring. I mean we had nothing in common and the meal was dragging along. I could not wait for the check to come so I could end the date and chalk it up to a bad experience.

So, as I was driving her home she mentioned that some of her friends were at this bar that was nearby and asked if I wanted to grab a drink. I figured she was having just as bad of a time as I was and when she suggested the drink I was surprised. I also thought that I had a chance to score with her and as any man will tell you when you think you can get some, personality does not play into the picture. I mean, she was pretty hot and I had already paid for a meal. What did I have to lose?

So, as we entered the bar sure enough she found her friends sitting at a table. I quickly surmised that it was about six women and there was one other guy there. I did my usual routine when I meet new people to break the ice and the constant pouring of beer and the occasional shot of Tequila where helping me loosen up.

It was at this point when one of Lisa’s friends suggested we play darts. Here is where I think destiny may have played its part. There where nine of us, and one of the girls said she would just watch. So, instead of getting paired with Lisa, we diddled for partners. For those unfamiliar with the term when you diddle, each person takes a dart and the closest person to the bull’s-eyes is teamed with the next closest and so on.

After the diddle, I was to be paired up with this girl Kim. It turns out she worked with a girl named Andrea who was friends with Lisa. Before that evening Lisa and Kim had never met. It was just my, as it turns out bad luck, that I would be there that evening as well. Kim did not really know how to play and I was teaching her how to throw and what to go after on the board. After the game was over for some reason I kept talking to Kim and kind of started to ignore Lisa. Being a little tipsy details get hazy but as Lisa and I were leaving I snuck my number to Kim and told her to call me explaining that Lisa and I were on our first and last date.

I drove Lisa home and went on my merry way. A good month would go by and then one day I am at work and it is Kim calling me. At this point, I could faintly remember what she even looked like but I was excited to get her call. We talked and talked and eventually agreed to meet one night for a drink. However, there were some signs back then that screamed at me to run but I never did.

First off, she told me she was going through a divorce and had a son. Now, I had never dated anybody with a child before and the idea didn’t really appeal to me. Before my step dad came into the picture I remember a couple of dates my Mom would bring over to meet me and my brother and it being really weird. So, I had no interest in being Mr. Step Dad. On top of all that she was not fully divorced. She had her own residence and was only a couple of months away from it being official, or so I reasoned in my head.

Also, she lived on the north side of town. Being a south sider, (and loving it) I normally had no desire to date someone from the other side of town as it was a pain in the ass making dates and seeing each other. Every time we did meet I would have to meet her on her side of town and we would go from there. All of this normally would have had me running for the hills had my mind been clear. Unfortunately, I was still in a cloud over Jenny.

Sure it had been two years since our breakup but I still had some unresolved feelings over Jenny. I still felt rejected and I never fully dealt with those feelings in the following years. Looking back the only reason I wanted Jenny anymore is because I couldn’t have her. So, I guess I was sick of pining over her and Kim just happened to be the one I choose to make a fresh start with. On top of all the Jenny drama, Nancy had just moved away. I was finally free of the feelings I had for her and I was ready to give myself to the next relationship I was in. Despite all of Kim’s faults, (of which there were many) I was determined to make a go of it no matter what obstacles came in my way. All that thinking did was cause me to block out the very real problems we had and ignore how disturbed of a person Kim really was.

At first it started out slowly with Kim. We would go out usually on Saturday night and fool around and go our separate ways. However, she kept calling me and I kept talking to her. It started out casually as I was still seeing this girl Jenna the nanny. Why I choose to pursue Kim instead of Jenna is beyond me. Jenna was sweet, pretty, kind, fun and really dug me. Yet, I choose, the emotionally unstable Kim to go out with.

After awhile I was having issues with my roommate and decided to move out. Kim suggested we could move in together. As many times as Jenny suggested that I ignored it. Maybe because of that reason when Kim suggested it, I agreed. Of course because she had a child I was expected to pick up and move to Harwood Heights where she lived. It would be the longest fourteen months of my life. I moved in with Kim in February of 97 and by May of 98 I wanted to kill myself. It was the unhappiest period of my life.

They say you never really know someone until you live with them. I am here to tell you truer words were never spoken. First off she forbid me to speak to Jenny. At that point the last thing I wanted to do was cut Jenny out of my life but, I figured it was time to move on so, I pretty much cut out all contact with her. I kind of understood this thinking and accepted those terms.

However, the more I was with her the more and more emotionally unstable she became. To say we fought is an understatement. I mean I’d fought with Jenny and hell sometimes my wife and I will go at it. However, none of this could compare to the dramatics of Kim. Everything was life or death with her. She threatened to kill herself at least ten times in the course of our relationship. She didn’t trust me, she had no idea how to compromise, didn’t see the need to be there when I needed her and on top of all that she was a liar. I was always paying her half of the rent and loaning her money for a car payment. She was always short of dough.

When I needed her to appear with me at family events she would always find some excuse to not make it. My Grandparents 50^th anniversary she was sick. On my Mom’s 50^th birthday she had to work. So it went on and on. She was a user in every sense of the word. She took and took and never gave anything other than her body. She would play mind games and if she didn’t get her way pouted and whined until she did. However, I don’t want it to sound as if I am blaming her for everything. I could have left. I mean it didn’t take a psychiatrist to see I was unhappy. If you ask me today why I stayed I am not sure I have a good enough answer. All I can really say is that I didn’t know how to leave.

To make matters worse, I had bonded with her son. When I came home from work I would play video games with him and we’d watch the Cubs. Kim and I never interacted the entire time. I would dread seeing Kim but I didn’t mind goofing off with her son. So, I knew if I left I would not only be hurting Kim, (which I could have cared less about) but her ten year old son would be getting hit with a blow as well. I was in a pickle. I stayed with her all of 97 and secretly tried to figure out how the hell I was going to get out of this. The whole time I was putting on a brave face in front of my friends and family.

Things finally reached a boiling point in February of 98. It was my Dad’s 50^th birthday party. My Dad lives in Ohio and I asked Kim if she was going to accompany me there for his party. She said yes. I warned her that if I bought her a plane ticket, she had better not back out. She re-assured me that she wanted to go and to buy the plane ticket. So, I did. Of course three days before we are going to leave for Ohio she informs me she can not make it because she can not get off of work. I had asked her in December when I bought the tickets to make sure she had the time off. She said she forgot and now it was too late.

To say I was pissed off is the understatement of the year. I was so embarrassed. I had told my Dad she was coming and now I had to call him and explain she could not make it. I bought a non-refundable ticket and had to eat the cost. On my way out of town I laid into her pretty good. Deep down she figured I was caught and would never leave her no matter what she did. She was wrong.

My sanity started to come back to me in Ohio. I was there for four days and it felt like I was paroled. I didn’t call Kim once and I was having a really good time for the first time in a while. I became that happy go lucky person that I had lost during my time with Kim. When I returned back to Chicago things were no longer the same.

By March I had pretty much told her to move out or I would. She cried and begged and pleaded with me but I wanted none of it. I had come to my senses and wanted nothing to with her. Our lease was up in July and I was planning on moving back to the south side as soon as it was up. I told her it was over at least a thousand times. She was not going to make it easy on me. She was either crying or screaming at me. However, I didn’t care anymore. I was sick of her bullshit and I called her bluff on everything she told me. I slept on the couch the whole time and completely ignored her. I told her son to keep in contact if he wanted and then made my peace with the whole ordeal.

She finally moved in with her Step-dad in May and I was out of there in July. In retrospect I never really loved Kim. I deluded myself into thinking I did at the time but looking back I think I must have been out of my mind. I look back in amazement that I ever thought of being with her. We could not have been more different. I am just glad I came to my senses before it was too late. And, as bad as it was I learned a lot from that relationship. I realized that I had a lot to offer someone. Sure Jenny rejected me but that was her loss. I started to get my swagger and my confidence back. I vowed to never make the mistakes that I made with Kim again. I was happy being a southsider and was pretty miserable when I was not around my friends and family.

In the years and months that followed Kim showed her true neurotic ways. She got my new phone number and continued to harass me on the phone no matter how many times I hung up on her. She called my Mom one day out of the blue as well. She would just show up at places she knew I would be at. It was in a word, creepy. She even got a job at Harris Bank where I worked. All this did was re-enforce my belief that she was a raving lunatic and the farther she was away the better.

Women (Part 2 of Part 2)

My relationship with Jenny was always a yo-yo. I had the highest of highs and lowest of lows. After the Cindy fiasco, Jenny and I would continue on the path of breakup-makeup. The second big turning point in our relationship came at this point in time around sweetest day 1992. We had been going out over two years and while we were both young, we were felt like we were in love. At the mall one day Jenny was looking at these shoes and at the time did not have the money to buy them. She probably didn’t think twice about it.

However, I made a mental note. I knew that the pseudo holiday, Sweetest Day was coming up and I figured that I would surprise her by buying her a gift she really wanted. I never bought her anything like cloths so, I figured it would delight her that I cared enough to remember what she wanted and I would take the time to go back and purchase it. So, as the day approached I kind of hinted that I got her a really special gift. She took this to believe that I got her a ring. Buying a ring for her at this point was beyond not only any financial means but was the furthest thing from my mind. (It just proves just how different of pages we were on.) So when Sweetest Day came and she opened the box to see a pair of shoes she had this weird look on her face. Not knowing what the hell she was thinking I was puzzled.

I expected her to throw her arms around me and confess her never-ending love for me. Instead, I got a half assed gee thanks. This only seemed to piss me off as I thought I wasn’t getting the recognition I deserved. I was so selfish and so in my own world that I never saw the hurt in her eyes. I would not realize the pain I caused until much later when it was too late to do anything about it.

The third big and would turn out to be final turning point would come in the spring of 93. An acquaintance of mine Todd was having a twenty first-birthday party. Todd was going out with this girl Mary at the time and Mary was best friends with Cindy. So, of course there was no way Jenny was going to want to go to this party. The problem was that all of my friends were going and I really wanted to go as well. Then, Cindy calls me and asks if I want to go with her.

Deep down I knew I should have just hung up the phone on her. However, my self-destructive gene kicked in yet again and I told her I would go with her. Looking back, at all the bad decisions I’ve made in relationships in my life going to that party with her would have to go down as one of the worst decisions I ever made. I guess I figured I was bullet proof.

On top of all of that I had really started to take Jenny for granted. Sometimes the worst thing you can do is get comfortable in a relationship. I was very comfortable. Jenny wrote me letter after letter declaring her undying love for me. I remember she bought me this necklace that she made me wear that said, “I’ll never stop loving you.” I bought into my own shit and paid for it. In retrospect I am not sad I lost her. We were doomed and no matter what we were bound to break up. We were so not right for each other. The regret I have is that I hurt her.

I told Jenny on that faithful night that I was going out with my friends, which was a half-truth. I had told her that all my friends had decided to skip the party and we were going out to a bar, which was a convenient lie as I was over twenty-one and Jenny was not. It was easy to get away with such things when I had the bar excuse. Cindy and I went to the party danced a couple of times and that was it. I didn’t kiss her or anything like that. I went home called Jenny and everything seemed fine. What I didn’t know was that my so-called friend Scott was about to break the ultimate guy code rule and rat me out to Jenny.

I want to be perfectly clear that I don’t blame Scott for the breakup of Jenny and me. That would be the easy way out and too convenient. I went to the party with Cindy. I lied to Jenny and thus I have only myself to blame. However, with that said, Scott really fucked me over. It is an unwritten rule that you never date you friend’s ex-girlfriend. Now, Scott and I were not best buddies or anything like that. However, we did work together, we played on the same softball team and we were friends in that type of environment. There are a million women out there and he had no reason to ever go after Jenny.

Another rule is that you should never blab to a girlfriend about your friend’s behavior. At the time not having known about Scott and Jenny hooking up months before, I trusted Scott when he asked me if I went to Todd’s party. I told him the truth that I went with Cindy and gave him a run down of the lame events. Nothing really happened between us and the party, as a whole was pretty weak.

What I did not expect was for Scott to go run and tell Jenny everything. I will never forget that call I got the next day at work. Jenny called me and basically was so pissed she broke up with me right over the phone. I was in the ultimate defense mode. I begged and pleaded and convinced her to give me another chance but it was too late. I think she just stopped giving a shit and got sick of my bullshit.

I talked her into taking me back but her heart was not in it. I tried but I never got the sense that she was into me anymore. I diluted myself into believing she was but the magic was gone. What I did not know was that she was fooling around with Scott behind my back. I knew she was spending time with him even though I forbid her from seeing him. However, she told me the same bullshit over and over that there was nothing going on between them. Because I wanted to believe her I bought it.

After dating for over four years and trying to find every way in the world to not get tied down to her at the end I finally got it. I realized that I did in fact treat her like crap and that I was not the best boyfriend to her. This guilt made me want to right my past behaviors. Or maybe it had to do with the fact that you never realize just how much someone means to you until you no longer have them. As hard as I tried to recapture the magic it was a lost cause.

The end came on of all days Valentine’s Day. We were boyfriend and girlfriend in name only at this point. For whatever reason even though she was clearly in love with Scott, she could not break up with me. I guess she didn’t want to hurt me. I had to be the one to find out the truth and end it. She had to work that night and very often when she worked nights I would pick her up as I did not like her walking through a dark parking lot alone. I had borrowed her car and was waiting for her to exit the store. (She was still at K-mart at this point.)

I was bored so I started going through the glove compartment of her car when I ran across this notebook. Not knowing it was basically a diary I opened it up to find out all the secrets she was keeping from me. I had my worst fears realized when I read that she had in fact been sleeping with Scott. Anger and hurt set in. I could not for the life of me believe what I was reading.

I remember I had bought her a cd for Valentine’s Day and had already wrapped it. For some reason I waited to get home to confront her on everything. I got to my house and gave her the gift, which she opened. She thanked me and then I asked her point blank, if she was sleeping with Scott. She denied it once again and I asked her if she was sure about that answer. She could tell I had some information, (though I am sure she had no idea how I found out) and she broke down and confessed everything. I was shattered.

For the first time in my life I was being the one hurt in a relationship. I was always the one who was doing the hurting, I never received any. I didn’t know how to handle it however, for as mad as I was at her, I still had feelings for her. As angry as I was I could not force myself to hate her. So, I instead heaped all of that hatred on Scott, which he deserved.

I must say all of these years later that Scott and I have buried the hatchet. It was a long time ago and I think Scott kind of fells bad for what happened. With that said, at the time I wanted to kill him. I mean that with all sincerity. I am Italian and getting revenge is in my blood. I had Scott immediately kicked off the softball team. I then went about thinking exactly what I was going to do to get even with him.

It was then when Jenny came in and begged me not to go after him. I felt it was inevitable that Scott and I would duke it out. I found it interesting she was asking me to be the bigger man but when she asked I obliged. I think I felt that she would have her fling with Scott and he would hurt her and she would come crawling back to me. Boy, was I wrong about that. She had moved on and sadly for awhile there, I did not.

We tried being friends with very mixed results. Being friends with an ex-girlfriend is always a risky proposition and my friendship with her almost cost me my relationship with my then girlfriend and current wife. It took me longer to get over Jenny than I could ever imagine, but I did it. It was not easy and because of that relationship I became a better person. I no longer was an ass to women. I respected them and was not as quick to use them.

Of course no break up is clean and Jenny and I had two brief flare-ups of passion. The first was just a few months after our breakup. I had already bought tickets to a hockey game when I was still dating Jenny for late March and at this point we were still trying to be friends. She was now dating Scott and I wanted her in my life even if only as a friend.

So, she agreed to live up to her commitment and accompany me to the game. I picked her up and we went to the game and all was well. We had a good evening and I drove her home. I went in to talk with her Mom and maybe watch some TV before I left. At least that is what I told myself. I was really going in because I did not want that night to end. Jenny went to use the bathroom and I was in her room and I saw that same damn notebook that had been the cause of so much scorn.

I knew I shouldn’t have opened it but again, curiosity and stupidity made me peek inside. It was at this point I read about an incident where Scott slapped Jenny. This threw me into a vengeful rage that made me want to kill the guy. I cornered her and after much badgering she finally copped to the incident. It was at this point I had one destination in mind and that was Scott’s house to basically pound him. I was so full of anger that pure adrenaline alone would have caused me to be charged with battery. At the very least I was going to cause him bodily harm. I had a softball bat in my trunk and I was hell bent on using it.

Of course I did not mention this to Jenny, as I was about to leave. Her mom overheard the whole fight and being as she was not Scott’s biggest fan to begin with was yelling at her as well. It was at this point that Jenny stormed out of the house and proceeded to walk to Scott’s. I followed after her and basically picked her up and carried her into my car.

She yelled at me to drive her to Scott’s, which was fine with me as I had murderous revenge on my mind anyway. On the way there, I decided to stop at a store to basically buy either a knife or some other weapon to exact my revenge. I told none of this to Jenny. As I pulled into the parking lot she screamed at me and asked `what I was doing. I told her to stay in the car and that I would be right back. I left the car running and as soon as I exited she drove off leaving me behind.

I was then left to walk to Scott’s house (which was at least a mile away) and with every step my anger grew more and more. Jenny getting slapped by this asshole and then running to him as her salvation was just more than I could take. It dawned on me in that fit of rage that if she wanted the asshole she could have him. The fact that she let me walk all that way was the last in many straws. I felt if she cared that little about my well being after how much I cared about her was enough. I was going there to pick up my car and be done with her.

When I got there Scott was there waiting for me. We exchanged some words and then I left. Looking back, I was so hurt and pissed that I didn’t care anymore. Jenny had crossed that line and I was no longer interested in being her doormat. If Scott wanted her and her bullshit he could have her.

The next day much to my surprise, she called and I was still pretty pissed. I mentioned she had some cd’s of mine that I wanted back and that after I got them I never wanted to see her again. She told me to come over and get them. I arranged to pick them up the next day and went to her house.

When I got there she was the only one home and she had everything ready for me. I picked up my belongings and without even saying goodbye went to the door. She followed after me and asked if that was it. I said yes. She then apologized for her actions but I wasn’t having any of it. I truly didn’t give a shit anymore. It was at this point she went to hug me and I pushed her away. She then went to kiss me. I resisted as much as I could but hey I still wanted her.

I kissed her back and we went into her room where things got more heated. It was both beautiful and tragic. In the moment it was amazing. Passion, heat, unbridled urges finally boiling over . When the moment was over though I felt strange. Sure, I wanted her back and maybe if I had followed up on the moment we might have gotten back together. However, it felt like an ending to a story. As strange as this may sound for the first time I felt that she really was no longer in love with me. Her heart belonged to someone else and as much as it might have hurt at the time I had closure. I was going to let her be with Scott and not interfere.

As time would go by Jenny and I would remain friends. Sure, there were some unresolved feelings and we had some arguments but for the most part we seemed to get along. The second flare up was much milder. It would be the fall of 96 at this point. I had started dating another girl and Jenny was still with Scott. Jenny and I were still friends and as pure luck would have it lived about a block from each other. So, we would see each other quite often and were on pretty good terms. Then one day she was over at my apartment and we kissed.

It was cool and another couple of days later we kissed again this time in the parking lot of a department store. Maybe, she did still have feelings for me or maybe she wanted to make sure that she didn’t have any left over yearning. At the time I wanted to use those kisses to get back together, and she would have none of it. Other than the Nancy debacle, Jenny would be the only other woman to jettison me. I was quite good at breaking up with woman but when it came to be rejected myself, I sucked at it.

I guess in some way that is why I would always breakup with girlfriends first. Thus, I could handle the breakup on my terms. It also explains why it took me so long to commit to any one woman. I never wanted to commit and when I really did for the first time in my life, with Jenny she hurt me big time. She would screw me up so bad that I lost my mind for a couple of years and dated my next girlfriend, Kim.

With that said looking back I hope she is happy. We were young and both made some mistakes. I learned some valuable lessons and without learning them I would not be who I am today. Getting over her was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. Looking back I realize that just like with Nancy I romanticized Jenny and our relationship. I tend to remember the good and block out the bad. We had a good run and I am better person for having had Jenny in my life. Time always gives any relationship perspective and looking back we were very different and had different ways at looking at the world. There is no way that we had ever lasted had we got married. We just fought too much and we wanted very different things out of life.

Women (Part 1 of Part 2)

The second woman in my life was Jenny. When I met her I was twenty years old. At this stage in my life, I was working at Kmart. I was chasing skirts and had dated on and off for some time with various women. At some point either they were not serious about me or I was not really serious about them. The usual would happen, I’d take them out a few times either get bored or get what I wanted and suddenly they didn’t seem as cool.

So, I played the field and was genuinely happy. Jenny worked at checkouts and in her own way was a beautiful girl. I hit on her from time to time and after talking to her found out she was three years younger than I was. Unlike with Nancy, I never thought for a million years that she would be my next relationship. However, she would eventually become someone who like Nancy played a huge part in making me the man I am today.

As I was hitting on her, I finally asked her out one day, as our flirtations were getting pretty obvious. She flatly denied. I was shocked. I was sure she dug me, so here I go and ask her out and she tells me no thanks. Nothing is more humiliating than getting rejected. For whatever reason this made me want to go out with her even more. I guess you only want what you can’t have. So I persisted. I would make sure to take my lunch when she did and keep up the offense. It was then that she told me she had a boyfriend. I usually respected this but, there was something about her that made me not be able to take no for an answer.

I’d give her a ride home from work now and then and continue to feel her out. Over the course of four to five months I kept on the offensive. So, one day we are working side by side after the store was closed and I was going to a party after work. I asked her if she wanted to come with me to the party and again, she flat out told me, no. I was perplexed. The more I looked at her, the prettier she got. She had these beautiful green eyes. She was shy, and really didn’t talk to anyone else in the store. But, I saw something in her. She didn’t dress provocatively or wear a lot of make up, which kind of hid her beauty. This continued to stoke the building fires within me.

I have to be honest though, I thought if I could get her to go out with me we could have some fun for a little while and I’d move on to greener pastures. I never thought she would become my girlfriend. I just wanted to add her to my growing list of conquests. (I was an ass at this point, but what twenty-year-old male isn’t.)

They say the third time is the charm and well, it finally looked like it was going to be for me. A couple of months passed after I asked her out for the second time and again we were stuck working together after the store closed. Finally, I said I want to take you out to a movie or something, just as friends no strings attached. At least give me a chance. She thought about it and finally agreed. I was happy, simply because I had won her over with shear persistence. It took me about a year to get her to agree to go out with me but I did it. Of course I said as friends knowing full well that when I had her with me I would make a move.

So, we agreed I would pick her up at her house on Thursday night. She then calls me on Wednesday to cancel. At this point with any other girl I probably would have told her to get bent and forgot about her but for some still unknown reason, I kept at her. I would like to tell you I really liked her or she was this drop dead gorgeous knockout. She wasn’t but she had this undeniable quality about her. I guess I saw that she was shy and introverted. However, she seemed to open up to me when I talked to her. It became more and more of a challenge to get her to smile but I could in fact make her do it and when she did, I felt this feeling of warmth come over me.

She was a challenge and I liked that. She made me work for her. She didn’t just give it up to me, it took me a while and I guess I kind of built her up in my mind the more work I put into her. It wasn’t easy and I had to swallow some pride. I mean who was this shy checkout girl to turn me down? I was Mr. Popular in the store, everyone knew me. I was the social coordinator and I was inviting her into that world and she wanted no part of it.

So, when she called me the night before our date to cancel, I was pissed. I talked to her on the phone and we talked and talked. We talked for about three hours when it was all said and done. I had never talked to someone that long in my entire life. We bonded on that call like we never did face to face. We talked about ourselves and learned about each other. We talked about life and what we liked and dis-liked. It was easy to talk to her and she opened up to me like she never had before while working with her. By the end of the conversation I had convinced her to keep our date for the next night.

I picked her up at her house in my 78 Chevy Nova. We went to the movie theater and we decided to go see Die Hard II. I was obvious she was nervous. I was trying to be as smooth as possible but her nervousness seemed to make me nervous. All of the sudden I was watching the movie as opposed to trying to make out with her. Normally my operation was to get about twenty minuets into a movie and grab a hand, then go for a kiss. With Jenny, though I knew she was different. She was not like all these other bimbo’s I was with before. She was special, that phone call had changed me. I guess right then and there even though I did not know it I felt like I had fell in love with her.

I had one eye on the screen and another on her. About half way through the movie I slowly reached for her hand and held it. It was like I was in sixth grade and holding a girls hand was a big deal. Somehow, though I knew I had to take it slow with her and ease her into things. We held hands the rest of the film and in thinking about it, it’s probably the last time holding hands with a girl meant something to me.

I drove her home and the whole time I was mentally preparing for the walk up to her door. I was determined to kiss her and I was sure she wanted me to. As I pulled into her driveway, before I could even shift the car into park she was out the door. She barely said goodbye or thanks for the movie. I was pissed, yet as much as I didn’t realize it I was gaining respect for her.

I went home and waited about an hour and then called her. In five minutes on the phone we talked more than we had the entire night we were together. I asked her why it was easier to talk to me on the phone as opposed to in person. She told me she felt more comfortable on the phone. I think it gave her some sort of security. To me she was a beautiful young woman, but like most teenage girls she had a very low self-image. She also was going through some tough personal things in her life.

Her mom and dad had divorced recently and her mom had just re-married. She was now forced to live with her mom and step-dad. Her step-dad was a very hard guy to please. Upon first meeting him I thought he was a total dick. Through the years, the guy grew on me to the point where I kind of warmed up to him but at that point I could see why she hated him.

Because of this she was forced to change schools her senior year. As someone who had a blast his senior year of high school I could not imagine trying to make a whole slew of new friends after being in another school for the last three years. On top of all of this she moved away from her first love of her life. Thus, I kind of got why she was shy and seemed to be depressed.

For some morbid reason this made me want her even more. I felt like I could be her knight and shining armor if I could make her happy. I didn’t realize that at that point in my life I just didn’t have it in me to be the guy to take her away from all this. I was too absorbed in my own shit to ever fully give myself to Jenny. In the end this is what cost me her. She loved me more than anything, and I took that love for me for granted.

However, in the beginning it started out like a fairy tale. After our first date we went out a couple of nights later after work had ended. This would be the night of our first kiss. We really had no agenda as we headed out for the evening. She asked if she could chauffer me around that night as opposed to me driving. She showed me the house she grew up in and her old school. I could tell she really missed her old friends and life. She was trusting me with a lot of personal information very soon in our relationship. I didn’t realize it at the time but this was going to make it much harder for me to do the typical Nick move and do what I want with her and then broom her.

As she went to drive me back to my car at Kmart I didn’t even think about the upcoming kiss. It was almost like I was seeing her as something more than a conquest. For the first time in my young life I saw a woman as something more than my personal plaything. She drove me to my car and she leaned over and we kissed, and kissed and then just for fun we kissed some more. When I kissed her, it was different. It was probably because it was not a crush, I in fact for the first time in my life cared about another person.

She had faults and I recognized them but I saw past them and saw the good inside of her. From that point on we were pretty much inseparable, at least for the next couple of months. I introduced her to my family which, I never usually did, and I in turn met her family. Before I knew it she was my girlfriend. It was not like in the old days were you would ask your best girl to wear your pin and go steady. She just slid into the role of my girlfriend and I was her boyfriend.

We had a couple months of bliss but eventually we started to fight. I have no idea what we fought about but it was usually about my perceived infidelity. I had a lot of friends. I also had a lot of friends of the female persuasion. Being seventeen and insecure about herself she was convinced I was cheating on her. It didn’t help that I had a reputation at work of being a player. She had heard some stories about me (most of which were true) and held on a little tight.

This only seemed to push me away more. I did love her, at least that is what I thought, but I was not the kind of guy to respond to her high-pressure tactics. I had my own ideas about our relationship. I truly and deeply cared for her. However, I was in my early twenties and still living my own life. I had no desire to be tied down. It seemed like the entire time I was with her I was looking for a way out. I always felt trapped. Little did I realize it, but I got to the point that I took Jenny for granted. I had never had someone love me so much. She was very needy but I guess I was to.

I had grown accustomed to her. Sure she had her faults and was a little crazy but I grew to the point where I depended on her. As time grew in our relationship I went from the one who was there for Jenny to her being there for me. There were many turning points in our relationship and many mistakes were made. In the end I blame our eventual breakup on myself and timing.

I guess there were three huge turning points in our relationship. The first was when I went away to school at De Paul. Now, De Paul was not that far away. It was about a half hour ride from where we lived. However, to Jenny it seemed like another country. She could no longer see me everyday. This only led to the mis-trust. She felt I was cheating on her and this caused her to rush into another man’s arms.

Scott was a “friend” of mine that worked at Kmart. We also played on the same softball team. I knew he had a thing for Jenny but I trusted her. I am not the jealous type and I thought Jenny loved me so much that she would never cheat on me. Scott took my absence to make his move on Jenny. Now, I was of course oblivious to all of this. By the time I found out about any of this information it was way too late to do anything about it. For her part, she tried to tell me she was unhappy and needed me but I tuned it out.

Later I would find out Scott was calling her and giving her rides. He eventually duped her and they fooled around one night. I was away at school so she could do this all behind my back. I should have seen the signs but I was young and stupid. Also, I was not entirely innocent myself. I was still hanging out with Nancy and I also hung out with this girl named Cindy. Jenny still loved me though and even after she fooled around with Scott she still came back to me. I however, was oblivious and getting more and more frustrated with her.

I was in my own world and I guess I got sick of her “clinging” behavior. Jenny was a very shy girl but in the time I was with her I started to see her come out of her shell. So, when she would continue to cling to me I would get pissed. When the two of us were alone together she was funny and charming. However as soon as strangers entered she claimed up. Not being the most patient person her whole act was getting a little old.

I came back from school that summer and started a job downtown. I finally started making some decent coin and could actually take Jenny out to nice places. My first year in college Jenny basically supported me. She paid my phone bill, bought me cloths, and when we did go out to eat she paid. I had no money coming in so if not for her I would not have survived. So, when I did start making some money I felt I owed her.

At this point things took an upturn in our relationship. I was back in town and I never saw Scott hanging around Jenny. Things were back to normal and we were back to our usual routine. Jenny began dropping hints that she wanted us to move in together. For some reason this scarred the living shit out of me. I tried to pretend it was that I could not afford it. The truth was that I did not want to make that big of a commitment to her.

I grew up around divorce and swore as a young person that I would never get married at a young age. I wanted to be at least thirty before I took the plunge. At that time in her life she loved me so much that she wanted me forever. We acted like we were married. We had a joint checking account and we were together every day. Even when I went back to school that semester we still saw each other more and more. I was really torn. I mean I felt at the time that I loved Jenny. However, I was still young. I was twenty-three and just could not see myself settling down. I also, still had my unresolved feelings for Nancy. On top of all that was this Cindy girl.

If you ask me today why I pursued Cindy I could not give you a reason. Jenny was prettier, funnier, nicer, and overall a much better human being. Jenny and Cindy hated each other. They both worked at Kmart and I sometimes think that the only reason Cindy had any interest in me was because I was with Jenny. Cindy was tall, had dark hair and dark eyes. She was not an ugly girl by any means but was not my type at all. I always liked petite girls and Cindy while very skinny was just a giraffe compared to Jenny.

I think the fact that Jenny hated her so much might have actually been a turn on to me. Every time I saw her or talked to her, I felt I was getting away with something. Cindy and I flirted a lot. We never really acted on it and Cindy eventually started dating another Kmart co-worker and friend of mine, Jeff. Yet, Cindy and I still flirted and even went out a couple of times. We didn’t do anything together immediately, but I am only human.

One night I invited Cindy over to my house to watch a movie. I knew I shouldn’t because Jenny could come over at any minute but I was a bit reckless. So, of course one thing leads to another and we start going at it. In retrospect, I was an asshole. I have no reason or no explanation for my actions. Maybe I got caught up in the moment. Maybe, I was doing this because I secretly wanted to break up with Jenny.

The next day I blew off Jenny and again went out with Cindy and again we were on each other like white on rice. Fortunately my good sense and conscience started to take over that night when I drove her home. I listened to her talk and as she was talking I asked myself why I was hurting Jenny for her? I mean sure I was attracted to her but I loved Jenny. Why was I blowing it? Maybe it is a self-destructive gene I have or maybe Jenny and I were never destined to last forever. What ever it was, at that point I woke up and as soon as I dropped off Cindy I made a beeline for Jenny’s. I didn’t tell her what had happened but I told myself I was going to treat her right from now on. Sadly, I would not keep that promise to myself (Too be continued on Monday)

Easter Photos

Hope everyone had a Happy Easter. Here is a link to a pictorial of mine and Joyce’s day.

Easter




A Culture Shock

So, I am nearing the end of my first week at my new digs. Already I can tell just how big a difference this company is as compared to the last two companies I have worked at. In Chicago we have 120 clients. At the bank just in the building I sat in (and the Bank had 4 buildings downtown) they had 1,200 employees.

Being at a smaller place has been a bit of a culture shock to me. I forgot that people can be nice. Everybody knows everybody at a small site so, without even knowing me they all come up to me and introduce themselves. They know since they do not recognize my face that I must be the new guy. I have met some of the friendliest people and I know I am going to enjoy supporting clients like this.

In a financial institution it is all about money. It is the end all and be all. Now, I realize that all companies in are in business to make money. However, there is a difference in philosophy when you are working for an institution that is only about the cabage. It is their only business and that is all they really know. Thus, the environment has a more serious and corporate attitude. There are many more layers of bureaucracy and that filters through to the employees.

In my new spot I can already tell that it is different. There are no accountants here. They are all in Denver in the company’s corporate office. Here, all we have are basically corporate travel agents. Since they are not really all about the Benjamin’s they seem to have a much more positive and healthier if you ask me, attitude. The thing is in my humble opinion, more work gets done in this type of environment then in the one I was in at the bank.

When you create red tape and make a work environment so serious I firmly believe less gets done. Here where people seem to like one another, it creates an atmosphere of togetherness. So, when you have people working together I tend to believe you get more accomplished. I haven’t seen any pettiness or arrogant behavior yet. Mind you I have only been here a week but I can already tell things here are going to be different.

I have been in the financial sector since 1998 and I guess in that time I kind of got brain washed into believing there was only one way to do things. I forgot that work didn’t need to be such an unpleasant experience. Now, I wake up and don’t dread going into the office. I don’t have to carry a personal leash in the form of a pager around. If something needs to get done here, I can just do it. I don’t need the approval of my six bosses. Here I have one boss. The corporate middle management layers are not present and let me tell you it is all a breath of fresh air and I finally feel like I am able to breathe again.

Catching Up With Netflix

I haven’t posted any netflix reviews in awhile so here goes with the last five I have rented.

Swimming Pool – A British film about a bored writer how goes to France to work on her new book and winds up becoming involved in a real-life sexual murder mystery. While the payoff may not have been worth it in the end I still recommend this movie.

Owning Mahoney – As per usual Phillip Seymour Hoffman gives a great performance. The story of a Canadian bank executive with a serious gambling problem who to support it embezzles millions of dollars from the bank he works at. A good story and a good film.

Melinda and Melinda – This is the best Woody Allen movie since Celebrity in my humble opinion. A different kind of film in which you have two stories involving the same women. Two different takes on what to do with a situation is introduced. I really liked this movie and highly recommend it.

11:14 – The premise of this movie sounded good and it should have been a lot better then it was. Sadly, this movie didn’t quite deliver for me, on what was a good premise. A cause and effect story about events that take place at exactly 11:14 one evening.

Happy Endings – Another movie that I thought would be better then it was. It has moments of sincerity and humor but overall I found it a little too schmaltzy and the ending tacked on.

Hello TQ3 Navigant

Sorry for the lack of posts. I have started my new job and will be busy there for awhile. I had a good vacation and all that. I will post with my usual rantings once I get some time to sit down and get acclimated with the new job.