AIrport Madness

One of the challenges about my new job is the travel. I really don’t travel all that much but I do have to from time to time and it can be trying. Every hack comedian has a bit about airline travel so I will spare you the lame attempts at that. You see my problem is with airport security.

I am the only person left with half a brain? You don’t let any liquids on carryon luggage and then you go and serve liquids on the plane. So, if a terrorist was going to use a liquid bomb, all he has to do is order some water from the stewardess. Also, isn’t there running water in the bathroom? I mean are we this fucking stupid or is it just me.

This all goes back to what I have been saying all along. It is the illusion of safety that we crave. Somehow the brain dead among us think that by confiscating my tube of Colgate they are safer in the air. Which is about is illogical of a conclusion as one could reach. I have news for everyone. If they want to strike they are going to. I applaud all the inelegance agencies here and in England for preventing the attack that they were plotting a couple of weeks ago. That is the only way we are going to stop terrorist attacks. Through diligent investigate and cooperation via all the intelligence agencies throughout the globe. Banning Pert on my carry on bag isn’t doing anything other then inconveniencing the general public.

It reminds me of the Anthrax scare a while back. They told everyone to go out and buy duct tape and plastic sheeting and cover their windows with it. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad. I remember going to Menard’s during the scare and noticing they were out of plastic sheeting. And you wonder why we keep electing Republican’s. You see they know that it is in their better interest to keep America stupid and feeling safe. I mean how else can you explain this lunacy?

Airport security is a joke. Just to prove this as I was flying back from Minnesota I snuck a tube of chapstick and deodorant onto my carryon bag. Both of those items were banned. And my bag passed right on through security. There is no way they are going to be able to stop every bottle of shampoo or mouthwash. All of this nonsense has lead to even longer security lines then ever. But all I hear from people is that it is worth the inconvenience as long as we are safe. Do you see how the mass brain washing works?

If I was a conspiracy nut I would believe Procter and Gamble was behind all of this so that we would buy more of their products. The sad part of all of this is that as much as we like to think we are safer, we aren’t. All that needless war in Iraq has done is create more people who hate us. No matter what the spin doctors tell you, about how we dethroned an evil dictator the truth is that we have pissed off a whole bunch of Muslims by sticking our beak in where it didn’t belong. But, as long as they stop me from boarding a plane with a bottle of Evian everything will be OK. What utter foolishness.

Are You Ready For Some Football Picks

I am not as big of a football fan as baseball but none the less I will still go out on a limb and make my football predictions for the upcoming season.

NFC East – 1. Dallas 2. Washington 3. NY Giants 4. Washington. – Dallas seems to have things clicking even with the TO circus. Washington has a great Defense. If they score at all they will be there. The Giants are good but have a brutal schedule. The Eagles have too many holes too fill.

NFC North – 1. Chicago 2. Detroit 3. Minnesota 4 Green Bay – The Bears are the best of a bad division. Nine wins should be enough to get them to the post season. The Lions are better but not yet ready to challenge Chicago. The Vikings seem to have taken a step back from last year. The Pack has an aging Favre and defense that is brutal.

NFC South – 1. Carolina 2. Atlanta 3. Tampa Bay 4. New Orleans – The Panthers look to be the cream of the crop in the NFC. A good balance on both sides of the ball. The Falcons have the talent and need Vick too make the step up to greatness. Tampa is a nice team but plays in a tough division. The Saints will be better but still have some work to do.

NFC West – 1. Seattle 2. Arizona 3. St. Louis 4. San Francisco – The ‘Hawks are the best in this weak division. They should take the title with ease. Arizona is a nice team on paper but this team is always snake bit. The Rams are re-building and will take a year before they are better. The 49’ers are lousy and don’t have much hope.

AFC East – 1. New England 2. Miami 3. NY Jets 4. Buffalo – The Pat’s are still the class of the East and should win this one again. The Dolphins are better and will challenge for a playoff spot. The Jets are brutal and will have a hell of a time scoring. The Bills hired Dick Jauron to fix things. Enough said.

AFC North – 1. Pittsburgh 2. Baltimore 3. Cincinnati 4. Cleveland – The Steelers should win this division with their D. The Ravens are better and could be a surprise team. The Bengals will not sneak up on anyone this year and Palmer’s knee scares me. The Browns are a continuing joke in the NFL.

AFC South 1. Indianapolis 2. Jacksonville 3. Houston 4. Tennessee – The Colts again will be the best in the South. The Jag’s are not as good as they were last year. The Texans will be improved but then again how could they not be. The Titans are re-building but have some nice players.

AFC West – 1. Kansas City 2. Denver 3. San Diego 4 Oakland – If the Chiefs get any D at all they will be a tough team. The Broncos are a nice team but may have taken a step back from last year. The Chargers are handing the reigns to Rivers who has never started a game. The Raiders are as usual a complete mess.

Playoffs

NFC Seedlings

1. Seattle
2. Carolina
3. Dallas
4. Chicago
5. Atlanta
6. Washington

Chicago over Atlanta

Dallas over Washington

Seattle over Chicago

Carolina over Dallas

Carolina over Seattle

AFC Seedlings
1. Indianapolis
2. Pittsburgh
3. New England
4. Kansas City
5. Denver
6. Baltimore

Denver over Kansas City

New England over Baltimore

Indy over Denver

New England over Pittsburgh

Indy over New England.

Super Bowl

Carolina over Indy.

My Man Mike

I grew up reading one of the greatest columnists in not only Chicago’s history but America’s. I am talking about Mike Royko. Royko, was a hero of mine in that he was the voice of the everyman and would stand up for what he believed in. He quit the Sun-Times when Rupert Murdoch bought it knowing before anybody just what a right wing whack job that guy is. He moved to the Tribune and while he was still good, had lost a little of that Royko edge. Still, he was better then anyone else at the time. I found this article he wrote back in 1993 about a subject that is near and dear to my heart. Enjoy.

This simple little quiz is directed at those who love hot dogs. Not any hot dog, but the true, classic Chicago hot dog. The finest hot dog known to man.
Look at the following recipe and see if something is wrong. If so, what.

Chicago hot dog: Vienna beef hot dog, poppy seed bun, dill pickle, jalapeños, relish, mustard, ketchup. Place dog in bun. Cover with jalapeños, relish, mustard, and ketchup. Serve with dill pickle.

The flaws are so obvious that by now those with civilized, discriminating Chicago taste buds are snorting and sneering and flinging this shameful recipe to the floor and spitting on it.
It deserves nothing less.
But not merely because it includes ketchup and omits sliced tomatoes, chopped onions, and that miraculous dash of celery salt.

No, I won't condemn anyone for putting ketchup on a hot dog. This is the land of the free. And if someone wants to put ketchup on a hot dog and actually eat the awful thing, that is their right.
It is also their right to put mayo or chocolate syrup or toenail clippings or cat hair on a hot dog. Sure, it would be disgusting and perverted, and they would be shaming themselves and their loved ones. But under our system of government, it is their right to be barbarians.

The crime is in referring to the above abomination as a "Chicago hot dog."
And who did it?
Brace yourselves for a real shocker.
Some time ago, a hot dog recipe book was put together by the American Meat Institute, the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, and other groups that promote the eating of dead animal flesh.
They got their recipes by calling the offices of United States senators. Being publicity freaks, most of the senators responded.

Most of the recipes are ridiculous, since most senators are ridiculous.
And this shameful recipe was contributed by Senator Carol Moseley-Braun.
Yes, Senator Moseley-Braun, who claims to be a Chicagoan, actually told them that a Chicago hot dog includes ketchup. And that it doesn't require chopped onion or sliced tomatoes or celery salt.

I don't know what could have possessed her to do such a thing. She is a liberal Democrat, so I can understand her deep yearning to seize our money and throw it hither and yon like so much political confetti. That's part of the natural order of Washington creatures.
But to publicly state that you put ketchup on a Chicago hot dog? And overlook celery salt? It is said that power corrupts. I didn't know that it brings on utter madness.

Apparently Senator Moseley-Braun pays little or no attention to my efforts to maintain standards in those things that are unique to Chicago. If she did, she would have noted a column that appeared here in July of 1993. In it, various hot dog experts commented on ketchup.

Maurie Berman, who owns Superdawg on the Northwest Side, where I've been eating classic hot dogs for about 40 years: "I see more and more desecrations of the Chicago hot dog. Yes, we provide ketchup, but we have the customer defile it himself. "We say, 'Sir, the ketchup bottle is on the side. We'll ask you to squirt that yourself.'"

John Miyares, who serves hot dogs at Irving's near the Loyola University campus, says: "No ketchup, no kraut. That's the law. But when you're younger and your mom lets you put ketchup on the hot dog, you get used to it, I guess. The people about 35 and over, they get upset if you mention ketchup, especially if they're born and raised here. And even more if they're South Siders, "But we get a lot of students from out of town, and they all want ketchup. Except if they're from New York. They want steamed sauerkraut."

Pat Carso, manager of Demon Dogs on the Mid-North Side, said: "You have to ask for it. And more people are asking. I don't know why. Maybe parents think it is better for their kids. But we choose not to put it on. Even if they say 'everything.' In here, that does not include ketchup. We don't even keep ketchup up front. We have a little bottle in the back if people ask for it."

These men are keepers of the flame. They are cultural and culinary descendants of the short Greeks who used to take their pushcarts into every Chicago neighborhood and would have thumbed the eyeballs of anyone who dared ask for ketchup.

But here we have a United States senator, allegedly representing Chicago and the rest of Illinois—even the Downstate yokels—and she shames herself and the rest of us by displaying her ignorance of what makes a hot dog a true Chicago hot dog.

I'm sure Senator Moseley-Braun has the usual excuse: Someone on her staff did it.
Well, forget it. That only proves that senators hire boobs. No, the buck and the hot dog stops here.

There is time for Senator Moseley-Braun to mend her ways. But if the election were held today, I'd have to vote for just about anyone running against Senator Moseley-Braun.

Back to Venting

I don’t want people to think I went all soft and all so here is another list of bitches.

Tanning Salons – I just don’t get the need to brown oneself. Are you that superficial that you need to contaminate yourself with hazardous tanning lights? I mean it is worse then smoking for God’s sake. Still, if you must have a tan, why not, oh I don’t know sit in the fucking sun you nitwits.

Housing Sub-Divisions – One of my biggest bitches of suburban America is the sprawling sameness of Sub-divisions. Each house looks the same and they all have that artificial feel to them. What really sucks is when you are in one and they pass stupid rules like you can’t put up flag pole or whatever. If I am paying a mortgage I am going to make it look however I want without some idiotic sub division board telling me what I can and can not do.

Kids Days – It seems like everywhere I go, some place is having a kids day. Isn’t it bad enough that we have tailored our society to these attention magnets? Now we have to give them their own special days at every restaurant or movie we go to. For God’s sake let them grow up already. Stop making them feel special. Because all that does is really fuck them up when they get older and realize they are no better then anyone else.

Dane Cook – Is it me or is this guy seriously overrated. I know the kids love him and all but he is a douche bag if you ask me. No one thinks more of himself then this guy. Let me be the first to say, dude you are not doing anything that hasn’t been done before. You are not doing anything original or different. You are young and have tapped into a certain demographic. They will outgrow you.

The Wave – Is there anything more robotic or mass hypnotizing then the wave. I will never understand the appeal of this thing. I hate it, just like I hate the applause o’meter. Sit down and watch the game you fucking brain dead yuppies.

Restricted Napkin Distribution – This is the ultimate sign in cheapness. You go to a subway or another fast-food establishment and they hand you like one napkin as opposed to leaving the dispenser out there so you can grab as many as you feel necessary. I hate this as I like to use multiple napkins. So, when I ask for extras, I am looked at like I just asked for an organ. Don’t be so frugal, I don’t think a .001 cent napkin is going to be the cause of your business to fail.

Bill Parcels – This guy is a dick. He has a stand-offish, he knows better attitude that just gets under my skin. OK, he won two superbowls like fifteen years ago, but what has this guy done lately. He has become the crotchety old man who is humorless and is from the old school football, jock mentality which I despise. Retire already, and this time stay retired.

Stop Walkers – You are in a mall or on the sidewalk and walking along behind someone, when suddenly they will stop and leave you no room to pass, oblivious to your being right behind them. It is like they are so wrapped up in their own shit that they completely forget that there are other people on this planet and some of them might need to get past them and keep moving. Here is an idea, if you are walking and someone is behind you, get the fuck out of there way before you come to a complete stop.

Shoe Shopping – As a man is there anything on God’s green earth that is worse then shopping for shoes? I would rather go to Joliet and get it up the out-hole from Hulk Hogan while he is wearing a sandpaper condom then to have to go to the mall and buy shoes. I don’t know if it is the having to try them on and making sure they fit and all the bullshit. I hate buying and trying on shoes. This is why I wear them until they are literally falling apart at the seams. To put it mildly I hate going shoe shopping.

Love This Sign

You Tube

Since my brother posted a you tube link to his favorite video from the 80's I thought I would as well. This may not be my favorite but it is in my top 10.

What Madness

The Metrodome

I am in Minnesota finishing up a business trip. Last night I went to the Metrodome to catch the Twins game. I have now been to eleven different ballparks. (Which really isn’t that many when you think about the fact that there are 30 Major league teams.) So, here is a brief review of the ballpark.

The Metrodome is a very sterile in-door setting to watch baseball. It was a beautiful night out and he I was stuck watching baseball indoors and on Astroturf. The good news is that the Twins are building a new downtown outdoor park and it should be ready to go for the 2009 season.

Getting to the park was a breeze and there are plenty of parking lots and a train located right in front of the entrance. I got there a little early as I didn’t have a ticket and was able to score one at the ticket booth without much of a problem. Also, for baseball it wasn’t that bad price wise. I parked for 10 bucks and the ticket was $26 which is not bad.

I entered the park and grabbed a hot dog. I can not go to a new park and not sample the wieners. Sadly, this was one of the worst I have ever had. It was a plump, bland dog served on a hard bun. (One of the best things about a ballpark hot dog are the steamed buns.) I saw a lot of people putting ketchup on their dogs which of course is a mortal sin in my book. They did have some relish and onions out as well. I put the usual mustard and relish on mine but it did not help as the thing just plain sucked.

I then made my way to my seat. For as bad as the park may look I must say they have great sight lines. There are no poles in the way and I could see everything from my vantage point down the right field line. The seats are a little cramped but that is a common feature in most ball parks. I was right by the visitors bullpen which is right on the field, which I also like.

I would have grabbed a beer but they were serving them in plastic bottles which is a major sin. Beer in plastic takes like a vat of chemicals. So, I opened my program and sat down to watch the game. I will give Twins fans this, they are very knowledgeable. They gave a standing ovation to Joe Mauer when he simply gave himself up by hitting a ground ball to second to move a runner into scoring position. The myth about the Twins fans being apathetic is bullshit to me as they were into every pitch. They had over 30,000 for a weeknight game, which is pretty damn good.

As the game ended I left, and I will say they don’t have the most efficient way of getting people out of the place. I felt like a steer in a cattle drive but eventually got out of the place and into my rental car. I was on the highway in five minutes so, again props to the city engineers.

All in all the Metrodome was not as bad as I heard it was but it is still not a great place to see a game. I would go back simply because when I am stuck in Minnesota on business it is either that or hit the Mall of America. I think you know what I would rather do.

The Final Like's of Nick

At long last here is the end of the list of things that I like.

91. Showers – I am fanatical about my showers. I could sit in the shower for an hour if I wanted to. The first thing I do when I get up is to take a shower. I just like getting clean. I shave in the shower now and have my own routine. I also bought a pour down shower head that is just out of this world.

92. Gardetto’s Snack Mix – Of the snack and trail mix genre this is my favorite. I think it has to do with the rye chips, which I love. I also dig the pretzels. Mixed with just the right flavor and proportions this is a nice and flavorful snack.

93. The Chicago Sun-Times – I read this paper everyday. If I don’t read the paper I feel like I am lost. I prefer the Sun-times simply because it is easier to read on the train. I start with the sports section then go to the business. I then stroll over to the lifestyles section and then flip the paper over to go to page one. From there I read it all the way to the editorial page, which is one of my favorites.

94. Bill Murray – I always found him to be funny. Now, he has a nice resume of drama that has catapulted him to elite status of actors working today. In Rushmore, I first realized that this guy can do some serious acting. Since then he has continually made good choices after some real bad ones in the early 90’s.

95. Rosebud’s – The original located in Chicago’s Little Italy to me has the best Italian food that I have ever eaten, that was not cooked by a relative of mine. I’ve only been there twice and each time it rocked. Their pasta is homemade and the marinara is out of this world. Go there hungry and I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

96. DeepDiscountDvd.com – If you want to buy DVD’s online trust me, this place is the cheapest. A kick ass selection and an easy as pie delivery system make dealing with the site a pleasure. There is never a need to go to Best Buy again for DVD’s with this place around.

97. Remote Control – If there has been a better invention in the last thirty years I would like to know what it is. The remote control for my television is a god send. You never know just how great it is until you lose it, like I did the other day. I was in panic mode and suddenly I realized just how important the remote is to my life.

98. Self Checkout Lanes – When used correctly the self checkout lane is a great tool. Sadly it is rarely used correctly by most shoppers. Still, it can be a huge time saver when running to the store for a couple of items. My contention is that it should be used for purchases of twelve items or less and when done so, it makes life a hell of a lot easier.

99. Halloween – When it is all said and done Halloween is my favorite holiday. The reasons for this are many. There are no forced commitments with Halloween. You don’t have to go eat a ham or buy presents. Plus, the movies are great for this day. Plus the consumption of candy and pumpkin seeds. Really, what isn’t to like about this day.

100. Joyce – Well, obviously I like her. So, no list of things I like could be complete without her on it. I’ve written at nausea about her so, I will just leave this one short and say that I am damn lucky to have her.

Likes 81-90

81. Perry’s Deli - Perry’s deli is a loop treasure. I have been eating there for over ten years and I still love the place. Their sandwiches are just plain huge and tasty. I love the no cell phone policy as well. If you are ever stuck in the loop and want to grab a sandwich do yourself a favor and hit Perry’s deli.

82. The Cohen Brothers – I wrote a blog about my love for them a couple of weeks ago so there is no need to go back over that. For my money the best filmmakers out here today.

83. Swedish Fish – If anybody has ever had these delish candies they know of what I speak. Simply put these things are the most addictive candy you will ever buy. You must get the small mini red fish. The other flavors are not that great and the large fish are too big. The small red fish are a nice sweet fat free treat.

84. Google – Not to sound too much like a techno geek but simply put this is the best search engine ever invented. Also, they are a great company to work for if you are lucky enough to work there. Google has saved me with searches so many times that I owe it immensely. It is one of the few websites I would pay to have access to that is not porn.

85. Nirvana – It is a cliché to like them now, but I still do. I know about all that has been written and said and all the wannabe morons that got into them for all the wrong reasons. Even with that one fact remains, they put out some fucking great music. I know a lot of people can’t get past the Cobain suicide and others feel like a poser for glomming onto them. Well, I was into them the first time I heard Nevermind and have become a somewhat addict even before Cobain’s death.

86. Dinner for Five – I was never a fan of Jon Favreau. As a matter of fact I fucking hated the guy. So, when I read about this show I was not interested. Then one day I was flipping around and caught it on IFC, and was hooked. A great idea where actors actually talk, without having to try and be on. Good stories come from this format and it is consistently funny. Sadly, I read where this show has been cancelled recently.

87. Darts – Darts is my personal favorite indoor bar activity. I used to be a pool guy but too many A-holes play pool. I also seem to be a better dart player then pool shooter so that may have something to do with it. I have my own darts and prefer playing criquet to 501.

88. LP’s – In the age with downloadable music and IPOD’s, I still have a vast amount of LP’s. I like albums for a lot of reasons. You can get them at thrift stores for like 50 cents. It may take some time but you can usually find a gem or two in the stacks. Also, I like hearing the scratches and graininess of the LP. Yes I understand digital quality is cleaner and crisper but no one said that is better. I like things that are a little rough around the edges.

89. Watermelon – My favorite of the melon family, if you can get it when it is ripe and in season there is nothing better. I can eat half a melon myself. (Of course if I do that you better give me some space.) A nice summer time healthy treat.

90. Public Transportation – I hate driving. Whenever there is a choice between a train and driving I will take the train. That is one of the reasons I love Chicago as our transit system is pretty good when compared with other cities. We have Metra, Pace and the CTA. You can pretty much get anywhere you want to go in the Chicago and the surrounding areas with one of those.