John Cusack

Johnny C. is a Chicago guy and a Cub fan. So, obviously I want to like the guy. With that said lately he has made a lot of bad movies. Here is my list.

Best

1. The Sure Thing

2. Being John Malkovich

3. The Grifters

I had to exclude Say Anything, High Fidelity, Eight Men Out, Gross Point Blank and Better Off Dead, all movies I really enjoy. The Grifters is one of those films that people kind of forget about but, it was a pretty good movie with a creepy oedipal complex ending. Being John Malkovich is a personal favorite of mine. One I saw it I felt it was the most original picture I had seen in years. Still, I have to put the old standby The Sure Thing at the top. Time in no way has diminished my love for this 1980’s classic.

Worst

1. America’s Sweethearts

2. Serendipity

3. Must Love Dogs

Do you see a trend here? Ya, all these are lame romantic comedies. I left off two other brutal films in City Hall (I was so disappointed walking out of the theatre after that turkey) and Con Air. Must Love Dogs has so many cliché’s I think a computer actually wrote the script. Serendipity really sucked but you have to wonder how much was cut out due to 9/11. (The movie was filmed in New York right before the attacks and the city plays a vital point in the plot of the movie. The producers cut a lot out as the country wasn’t ready to see the twin towers in a film so soon after the attacks.) Still, as bad as those films are nothing can top the ultimate in cheesy romantic comedies that is America’s Sweethearts. This one has it all. Julia Roberts in a fat suit, Billy Crystal bringing his tired act, Christopher Walken mailing it in and Katharine Zeta Jones (who can act when given decent material) playing a character so annoying it caused me to find her unattractive. (Which is quite a feat.)

Tim Robbins

Tim Robbins is one of my favorite actors. I love that he takes cameos in movies like The Pick of Destiny and High Fidelity. Still, he has made some really bad movies as well. Here are my top and bottom three.

Best

1. The Shawshank Redemption
2. The Player
3. Bull Durham

I had to leave off Short Cuts, Mystic River and The Hudsucker Proxy, all movies I also enjoy. Bull Durham was pretty much his breakout role and might be my favorite baseball film. The Player is genius. I still love this Altman comeback picture where he skewers the Hollywood studio system. Still, to put any other movie other then Shawshank as the top is impossible. It is simply a masterpiece and as I have said before, if you don’t have a tear in your eye at the end of that film you are made of stone.

Worst
1. Howard the Duck
2. I.Q.
3. Mission to Mars

All three of these are not only bad but cringingly so. Mission to Mars could have been good. It had a lot of things going for it. Brian De Palma directing a decent cast that included not only Robbins but Don Chedale and Gary Sinise seems like a hit. However, this movie is just a brutal watch. I can’t say I have ever been able to make it through an entire sitting of I.Q. I have seen enough of it to know that the plot is ludicrous and it has Meg Ryan in it. Still, as bad as that is nothing can top Howard the Duck. I have mentioned before about my journey to see that film so I won’t rehash it. That movie was so bad and so over the top you can only wonder just what in God’s name the filmmakers were thinking.

Bruce Willis

I will take random actors and list their 3 best and 3 worst films in my opinion randomly for the next week or two. First up is Bruce Willis.

Best
1. Die Hard
2. Pulp Fiction
3. 12 Monkeys

You know in looking at Bruce Willis career, he has surprisingly made a lot of good movies. I left off two movies I love in Sin City and Unbreakable. Die Hard is a given. Not only did it spawn a generation of knockoffs but as far as action movies go, not only does it stand up (despite the 80’sness of it all) it keeps you on the edge of your seat the whole time. Pulp Fiction is simply one of the top 10 films of the entire 90’s despite it being way over-analyzed. 12 Monkeys is a movie I really like that a lot of people either didn’t get or forgot about. If you haven’t seen it in awhile, watch it again, it is excellent.

Worst
1. Armageddon
2. Hudson Hawk
3. Blind Date

These three films reek. Armageddon in all seriousness might be the worst movie ever to gross over 100 million. (Well ok, Titanic was pretty bad as well.) The sad part is it actually had a great cast that was not used properly. Suspension of dis-belief is one thing but this movie is for the brain dead. Hudson Hawk goes down as one of the all time busts in history with good reason. I remember upon seeing it the utmost absurdity of the plot. A lot of people have forgotten Blind Date, I wish I was one of them. I saw it at Chicago Ridge back in the day for some reason. Kim Basinger (who I cannot stand) also is in this turd. I remember leaving the theatre very upset. I had to ignore the crapiness of The Story of Us and The Whole Ten Yards but it was hard.

The Broken Arm

I broke my left arm in my junior year of high school. It was during spring break. The worst part of this story is that I was going to Argo daily during the week off to get my time in behind the wheel so that I could obtain my blue slip, with Mr. Parisi. I broke my arm on a Thursday, meaning I only had one more day to go. Because I didn’t complete that last day (and because Mr. Parisi would not let me drive with my arm in a cast) I had to start the whole process over.

It was a rainy morning that day. I got on my ten speed as per usual and biked my ass over to Argo just like I had every other morning that week. I got there and met Mr. Parisi, Mark McBroom and some girl whose name I cannot for the life of me remember and we all piled into the 1986 Pontiac Grand Am that was on lease to Argo for drivers’ education training.

As we usually did we started the morning off running errands for Mr. Parisi. He had to drop off something at Stagg, and then he had to go to the bank. It was a typical morning even if it was a tad wet out due to the light rainfall. We started real early in the morning (At least early for my teenaged ass) and usually ended around 12:30 or 1:00.

My brother was also on spring break so, I would usually bike home to our house on Sholer Avenue to see if he wanted anything for lunch and then bike wherever to grab some food. Our options were limited as there were not a whole lot of places close enough to our house to bike to and back from with some grub. The closest place was the McDonalds on 79^th

When I got home my brother and I agreed that since it was raining we would just go to the Mickey D’s. I got his order and away I went. It was about 6 blocks from my house to the McDonalds. I had a system where I would ride my bike along the back end of the parking lot by the drive through and then swing around and park my bike by the entrance. Why I did this, I have no idea but that nonsensical route was about to play a major role in my life.

As I said, on that particular morning the ground was wet from the light drizzle that had been on and off throughout the day. I as usual was fearless on my bike. I got to America’s favorite fast food establishment and drove around the back like usual. However I was riding at a pretty good speed not taking into effect that the ground was slippery. I hit a patch of oil and water and lost control of my bike.

I started to skid out of control. I didn’t want to fall but it was of no use. An Illinois Bell Phone truck was basically my stopping point. I put out my left arm to brace my fall. After my spill I got up and started doing the typical arm shake. My arm really hurt but, I didn’t want to admit I had really hurt it. (I am still the same way. I will do everything in my power to avoid admitting I am sick or hurt. I hate being out of commission and will try to deny for as long as I can.)

So with my arm throbbing, I went in and placed my order. I went to reach for the change with my left arm and a pain shot up my arm and into my brain, and I let out a rather loud and startling bellow like I had been shot that scarred the poor girl that had rang me up. It was at this point that I knew something was terribly wrong.

Still I was a trooper. I grabbed the food and somehow was able to ride a bike with a fractured arm and bag of Big Mac’s and fries. I got home and ate my fast food all the while in agony over my limb. I knew it was inevitable that something was wrong. Without any other options I had no choice but to call my Mom at work and tell her that I think I need to go to the emergency room. She got home and off we went to the doc in the box that used to be in Justice right off 88^th Ave. (I’m not sure if that place is still there or not.) There a Doctor took some x-rays and sure enough they reviled not a full break but a fracture. I was going to have to be in a sling for three weeks. (Thank god it was my left arm or my sex life would have been ruined.)

The next day, I still biked to Argo hoping that Mr. Parisi would still let me do my driving. I reasoned that since I had biked there with one arm, I could certainly drive a car with one as well. He wasn’t buying what I was selling and because of that it I would have to wait until I was a senior before I ever got my license. (Which sucked, because I was having a hard enough time meeting girls. Try being a senior with no wheels and my looks and see how far that gets you.)

For three weeks I sat around hearing endless sophomoric jokes from Argo’s finest, all with their own sexual deviant theories about just how I had broken my arm. Anyone who has ever broken an arm at that age can tell you the drawbacks. Cutting food becomes a tedious exercise. Taking a shower became a pain in the ass as I could not get my cast wet so, I had to take one with my arm in a plastic bag. Washing your hair with one hand is a real pain in the ass.

I could not wait to get that cast off. All my friends were playing softball with the St. Fabians teen club (that teen club is a whole other blog) as I sat there watching on the sidelines. It was killing me. So, I went back to the doc in a box and he removed the cast and x-rayed it again. He told me I was okay to be out of the cast but to take it easy. My arm slowly had to re-gain strength and I was going to have to do strength exercises.

So what I did I do with his advice? I ignored it and played softball that afternoon at St. Fabians. The whole time I knew it was wrong. But, I was sixteen and logic has no place in the mind of a sixteen year old. I was bullet proof. I ignored the pain when I swung the bat. The result is that to this day my arm is still screwed up. I still feel it when it whenever the barometric pressure drops. It is like a reminder of what an idiot I was when I was young. My only recourse is that I know that everyone makes stupid decisions like that when they are that age and I was no different.

Turn the Page

My friend Chuck turned 40 over the weekend. He is the first one in our posse to reach this milestone. (It is a milestone, right?) What a difference it is to 19 years ago when he was the first one to hit 21. That was looked upon by all of us with jealousy. He was the first one able to buy booze legally. He could get into bars and enjoy the fun that came with that rite of passage. Being the first one to hit the big 4-0, I have feelings but I would not call them jealousy. I have 4 months to go before I hit my fourth decade and I will try to enjoy them.

Talking about Chuck’s birthday I can’t help but to think back to his massive 21^st birthday party. It was in the city somewhere on the south side. I cannot remember the exact location but I think it was at his Dad’s house. That party is memorable for a number of reasons. First, was the food spread that Chuck’s Grandmother laid out. It was a feast. That would be a good thing because with all the liquor being consumed we all needed some heavy food in our stomachs to soak it all up.

The party was also memorable because of some of Chicago’s finest showing up at one point in the evening. (Though no was arrested and the party would continue on after they left.) Also, there was the wide range of people that showed up. We had all of the K mart crew there as well as an assortment of the Moraine posse. I remember having a blast at the party itself. We drank, bullshitted, listened to early 90’s music, and celebrated the fact that we now all had someone to make beer runs for us.

The night was also memorable for me in another way. It ended with me doing something that I to this day regret. I pride myself in being an open book on this old blog here. I have told a number of embarrassing stories and a shared a number of personal experiences with the opposite sex. This story though goes with me to my grave. Only two people know what happened and I thankfully haven’t seen or talked to the other person in well over a decade. Let’s just say I never made it home and wound up spending the night at that seedy ass motel on like 84^th and Harlem.

I’ve written about my own 21^st in the past. That was the night I “hooked up” with my boss in the Pharmacy in one of my not so fine moments. Wally and Chris celebrated their 21^st at the Edge on like 143^rd and Cicero in Oak Forest I believe. They had a deal where we got like free beer and pizza for like an hour for everyone in our party in honor of their birthdays. That night ended with us watching a Neil Diamond and Elton John impersonator. The sad thing is we were drunk enough to enjoy it.

My buddy Rob’s 21^st was spent at Durbin’s I believe. And if I am not mistaken Wally ordered him a beer and this was in the days before Robbie. (The drunken side of Rob’s personality.)Meaning Rob did not consume alcohol. It took the evils of Carbondale to open up Rob’s world to the sweet nectar of alcohol.

The reason I mention all of this is my 21^st birthday is the last one I really gave a shit about. All of the rest are nice and all but once you reach adulthood does it really matter? When you turn 21 you gain something, you can drink legally. Since then other then getting a year older, I have not gained anything with any birthday since the one I celebrated in 1990. That is not to say I fear getting older. When I turned 30 I shrugged it off. As I can see the finish line of my thirties I am dealing with it without much stress. As much as I pine nostalgic over my younger days I would not in any way wish to re-live them.

My teen years were awkward and filled with many ups and downs. (Many more downs then ups.) My twenties I came into my own and had a lot of fun and a lot of hazy memories. In my thirties I became an adult, met Joyce and began my life in a lot of ways. Sure with age has come responsibilities, creaky bones, and less time hanging with my friends. But, the trade off is contentment. I like where I am at and if that means I can no longer play softball 4 nights a week while getting bombed on a Wednesday evening at the Grove, well so be it.

So, I wish Chuck a big Happy Birthday. I don’t get to see Chuck as much as I used to and that sucks. He mentioned at Wally’s wedding that myself, him, Dell and Zar need to all go out and grab a beer. We have all been friends for 23 years. For that fact alone we should do some celebrating. Now, if we can find a Blue 1980 Chevy Impala with a SIU Salukis sticker in the back window to drive around in, then the night would be complete.

It's Been Awhile

Being sick kind of sucks. I was laid up for the last two days while Joyce was kind enough to wait on me hand and foot. Being basically an invalid allowed me some time to ponder some things. These are some items that leapt to my mind while I sat at home looking for the remote while Maury was on the television.

If you start feeling sorry for yourself just go to an Aldi on a Saturday afternoon. Man, there aren’t a whole lot of smiles there on a Saturday. Joyce and I made the mistake of going to Aldi during prime time and man is that place a downer. An abundance of sweat pants wearing, four kids in a shopping cart, single Mom’s litter the store. Listen, I understand times are tight (hence why I was at an Aldi in the first place. Though I will argue some of the things you get there are good. I highly recommend the ice cream sandwiches and the frozen pizza rolls.) But, I don’t think I can handle another trip there on a Saturday. When I am the best looking guy in a store there is a problem.

I love the fact my wife actually likes El Farol. Attending the finer learning institution known as Argo Community High School, I of course have had many a burrito from El Farol. I have also had my share at El Famous. (Anyone that tells you El Famous is better is nuts or has no taste buds.) I hesitate to allow my wife inside the place for fear she actually sees what is going on in there by the grill. I have gone back and forth on the place over the years but, I must admit that they make a pretty good burrito. My wife usually sticks to the taco (though I must admit she puts spinach on them when I bring them home which is kind of like putting caviar on a slider.) Still, it is cool that she likes the place because now I can eat there more often even if it is a bit of a drive.

I don’t get people who don’t look where they are walking. I was walking to the train one day last week and this guy was walking directly in my path in the opposite direction yammering away on his cell phone. If you work in the Loop you need to have that kill or be killed mentality a lot of times when walking. I was in a position where I really had no choice. The sidewalk was packed and I had nowhere to go. So, I threw a shoulder right into this guy. He was jarred and then walked back in my direction and said, “That was a pretty good shoulder you threw” like it was my fault he wasn’t watching where the fuck he was walking. I mean he walked directly into my path. So, I said thanks as genuinely as I could and kept on walking. I know there is no real point to that story, but I just had to get it off of my chest just how big of a tool that guy was.

I own a Snuggie. https://www.getsnuggie.com/flare/next This isn’t really a thought but more of an admission. I originally ordered it as a gift for my Dad for Christmas. Then after talking to him I found out he already had one. So, I was faced with either returning it or just keeping the thing. I am a lazy man and it was only $20 bucks so, I just kept it. Now at night I don’t go anywhere without it. I actually got pissed when my wife suggested using it as a blanket for our dog. I know it is lame and I expect to get nuked for it but, fuck if that thing is not comfortable.

I am going to have to sell either blood and or semen to make up for my losses at the Superbowl party. I didn’t hit one square or strip card. On top of that, at halftime we played left, center, right and I lost my ass there are well. I have no idea how much exactly how much money I blew. And oh ya I got food poisoning from eating some pasta (and the sauce which I am pretty sure was the root of the toxins) that had been sitting out for hours. Let’s just say it wasn’t exactly a banner night for Nick.