Part Deux

Saturday- My cousin Kristie’s wedding was on Saturday. I was happy for her. She had been dating her fiancé Tim for eight years and she had paid her dues with him. Tim, is a good guy who I know will do her right.

The plan called for us to be at the church between 2:30 and 2:45. I know I am going to come off as an ass when I tell this but I will anyway. I am not a patient man. I also loathe being late. I guess my Dad instilled in me a need to always be on time. Also, by being prepared and getting ready early, if something does not go right you have time to fix it as opposed to frantically try to beat the clock.

I tell my wife to be ready by two knowing full well if I tell her that, the best I can hope for is that she will be ready by 2:15. She is different than I in that she will wait until the last possible minute to get ready and then of course when she can’t find her pantyhose, it will all be my fault. Luck is on my side as she gets ready without much prodding from me and my plan works like a charm. At 2:15 she is ready and we head out.

They say rain on your wedding day is good luck. I am sure that is to make those getting married re-assurance that you will not get divorced based on the cloud buildup on a day you picked over a year ago. It was raining Saturday, and it never stopped.

The ceremony was your typical Catholic service. I found the priest to be a bit long winded but other than that it was a nice ceremony. After Church I was whisked away to my Mom’s house as she was having people at the house between the ceremony and the reception. It would be my job to collect coats.

Fortunately, only about twelve people showed up so my job was not that difficult. After killing some time re-telling a morning of my wedding story about a present I left my Mom and Step Dad in an broken toilet, we were off to the reception. The hall was in the middle of a strip mall but what do you expect in Willowbrook. It was very nice however. The dance floor was not huge (at least not for the Francone’s) but people managed. The food, for wedding fare was fine and they even had a vegetarian meal for my brother and his girlfriend.

When the music started it became clear to me for the first time in my life that I am old. I didn’t recognize the Country songs, which is not something I am ashamed of. However, there were a lot of “pop” songs being played I didn’t know either. So I sat there as younger members of the wedding party were shaking their moneymakers. I did the Time Warp and I Vouged. And yes, I had consumed some sprits beforehand. We left around midnight having had a pretty good time. One day to go.

Sunday- Joyce and I met my Aunt, Grandma and my Dad for breakfast at Southern Belle’s. I had the Blueberry pancakes, which I could not finish but were very tasty. I can’t stand when they put that blueberry sauce over the cakes. I much prefer when the fruit is in the batter, which is what they did at this place. A good meal was eaten and somehow I was talked into going to the mall with my Dad, Joyce and my cousins Joey and Marissa.

It seems Marissa wanted a new coat and my Dad told her he would buy her one for Christmas. I should explain Marissa is 16. Now, I was that age once and I know of the insane peer pressure that comes with buying clothes that don’t come from the trendiest stores. Unfortunately, for my Dad, Sears is not a trendy store.

At Sears Marissa looks at every coat in the place and cannot find one she likes. Of course at Sears my Dad gets a 20% discount. We then go to another store in the mall called I believe New York Ave. There, Marissa finds a coat that is very similar to one I saw at Sears and picks that one. My Dad the good-hearted man he is buys her the coat. We then go back to Sears and he picks up some shirts for the lot of us.

This always makes me feel weird. My Dad already does a hell of a lot for me and while I appreciate it, I don’t want him to think I am taking advantage of his generosity. I thank him for the shirt and we head back to my Aunt’s house.

There we play Scrabble and some card games. The usual for a Francone get together. My Uncle Dan comes home from work and then we are roped into helping getting my Aunt’s Christmas boxes down from the attic. She has sixty-nine of them. Ho Ho Mother Fuckin Ho.

After an hour of passing boxes, my Dad, my Uncle Dan and I settle down to shoot the shit. Everyone else has left and a quiet has finally settled in. We order a Fasino’s Pizza and try to solve the world’s problems. This is my favorite moment of any Francone weekend. Just having a bull session with the men. I head back home around 8:30 and try to relax. I have to, my Dad is coming back in three weeks to celebrate Christmas.

Francone-Arp-Kwit-Crutchfield-Campbell Weekend

As I have had lately I had a rather busy weekend. Of course with it being a four-day weekend, the fun just seemed to never stop.

My Thanksgiving Weekend.
Thursday - The fun really started Wednesday night, as I had to brave the snow to get to Cub Foods to purchase last minute food products for Thanksgiving dinner. The store predictably was a mad house. Once, I got home I relaxed knowing full well the holiday cheer was about to begin.

On Thanksgiving morning, I was busy getting bread stale and then breaking it so it could be used for stuffing. It was at that point when I remembered why I hate cooking. It is boring and tedious. However, I have no reason to complain as my wife was doing most of the work. She had a turkey to prepare, potatoes to mash and stuffing to bake. My job was simply to talk her off the ledge and assure her everything was going to be O.K.

Our families arrived and we broke bread in the traditional sense. As I knew she would, my wife did a great job and all the stress and worry was for not. I had about 6 rolls with my meal as per usual and settled down to watch my beloved Chicago Bears get their collective Asses beaten by the hated Cowboys, with my pants un-buttoned. I drank some PBR and had a good time yucking it up with my Step Dad, Cousin Kevin and Uncle John. Around 7ish, all went home and my wife and I could relax for ever so briefly as for the next day we had to attend a rehearsal dinner.

Friday – The day started with Joyce getting up at 6 AM to go shopping. I wanted to send her to a shrink for even considering it but she wanted to buy a dress for the wedding we were attending. I had worked way to many days after Thanksgiving’s at Kmart and knew the horror’s that awaited her. When she got home she looked as if she had just stormed the beaches of Normandy but she had indeed purchased the dress. I basically sat on my ass knowing that the next three days would be full of running around.

We headed out to Giordano’s to attend the rehearsal dinner later that night. Now, I am not a fan of Giordano’s pizza. I find it bland and un-original, but I know a lot of people who like it so, maybe it is just me. We got there and I noticed that they had only two pitchers of beer out for a group of 45 people. That was not going to do it. That would not take care of me, my Uncle and my cousin, let alone the other 42 guests.

Four pizza's were put out and they were gone is just under twenty seconds. So, we all had to wait twenty minutes while they cooked some more. While, I was pissed about it, hell it was still a free meal and how could I complain about that. I waited it out and ate two more slices and was on my way to my Aunt’s house as my Dad had arrived from Ohio.

I got in a couple of games of ping pong when I arrived and was then asked if I wanted to play Texas Hold em. I must say I love cards and always have. Hold Em is not my favorite game but I play figuring I will bet aggressive and get knocked out early. My strategy backfires as only my Uncle Dan is playing aggressively and I bluff my way to some early pots. As my other family members get knocked out I find it is only myself, My Uncle’s Dan and Randy remaining.

At this point I should explain. I learned almost all of my card games and strategy from my Uncle Dan. A lot of Friday nights in the 80’s were spent playing Rummy, Black Jack or Poker. My Uncle is a very astute and gifted card player so I knew that I was going to have to get some cards to win. Fortunately I did have the chip lead. At that point my strategy was simple, have my Uncle’s fight it out between the two of them. I would change my course and bet conservatively and only if I had a sure winner. Meanwhile, they would knock each other out. I figured I would take my chances in a one on one match up.

My strategy was working and then I drew a great hand. I had pocket nine’s and of course another nine came up on the flop. So I stayed in, when the last nine came up on the turn. Having an unbeatable hand, I got lucky as my Uncle Dan had a flush draw. So, as we kept putting money in the pot I knew I had him. I won the pot and he was quickly out of chips. One down, one to go.

Randy and I played on and kept alternating hands. At long last after playing for what seemed like a month, I got a couple of killer hands and won all the chips. So, I left there 25 bucks richer and had defeated my Mentor.

Stayed tuned for part two of the weekend.

S Mart

It was announced last week that two retail giants are merging. Sears and Kmart are joining forces to try and topple the 800-pound gorilla called Wal-mart. I wish them all the luck in the world. I have a unique perspective on all of this as my father has worked for Sears for 36 years and I put in 7 years at Kmart.

I worked at Kmart from 1988 and quit in 1994. It was a job that allowed me to meet friends that I still have today. It also allowed me to earn some money in my college years. Money I would spend on beer and pudding. (As Mike Shields would say.) Working at Kmart always carried that stigma. It was the most un-hip store a teenager could choose to work at. I guess for me that was part of its charm.

However, working there you did meet the dregs of society. I have so many stories of run-ins with bearded ladies and sweat pants wearing men that I would need to write a book to tell them all. While working there, Kmart tried to do everything in their power to change that image. But lets face it, Kmart equals cheap. However, there is nothing wrong with that. Customers figured if they needed some discount merchandise Kmart was the place to go in Bridgeview, Illinois. That was until Wal-Mart opened.

Wal-Mart announced it’s unholy presence in our area in 1991. That is a direct correlation to when it ceased being fun working at Kmart and started to really suck. The store had to stay open later because Wal-Mart was. We had to be open on Thanksgiving because Wal-Mart was. (This is not mentioned in the Wal-Mart cares adverting program.) We had to do things with fewer employees because Wal-Mart did it that way. It caused all of us stress, which we took out on the customers. Back in the day at Kmart I knew that I would be on the floor for customer support. My main job was stock boy but I knew that most of my time would be spent answering questions and looking in the back stock room for merchandise that was not out on the floor.

As soon as Wal-Mart opened predictably our sales started to slump. The truth is we just could not compete with the prices that Wal-Mart charged. So, simple-minded management would schedule less and less workers for a particular shift, which impacted customers and drove them away in droves. Kmart never recovered and store 4681 (The Kmart I worked at) is a now a dump.

Most of the info I get on Sears I get second hand from my Dad, who started when the company still used the Roebucks part of the name. I still shop at Sears but it gets tougher and tougher. Sears likes to blame Wal-Mart for it’s woes but it is Kohl’s, Best Buy and Home Depot that have killed Sears. All of those stores offer similar goods for lower prices. Sears used to mean quality and it still does when you talk Craftsman and Kenmore. However, when you can buy a Maytag washer and dryer at Best Buy for a fraction of the cost of a Kenmore at Sears, why buy the Kenmore. I often ask myself why buy a pair of pants at Sears when I can go to Kohl’s and pay five bucks less for the same pair.

The deal makes sense to me in that, now Kmart can sell Craftsman tools and Sears can sell Martha Stewart linen. Also, with two companies like that merging it can demand lower costs from wholesalers and pass the savings onto Joe Six-pack. I know I will continue to shop both stores. If, for only to give consumers a choice. We need these stores to thrive if for no other reason then to stop the Wal-Mart Steam roller.

Badda Bing

My five favorite lines from the Sorprano's

5. Christopher: This is Scarface, final scene bazookas under each arm, “Say hello to my little friend.”

4. Adrian to Christopher: I love you. Chistopher to Adriana: You better.

3. Paulie Walnuts to Christopher: Don’t go getting cunty.

2. Richie Aprile to Jackie referring to what Tony just told them: You see, he just told you to fuck off and for me to shut the fuck up.

1. Ralph Cifaretto to Jackie Aprile: Your Dad God rest his soul, had balls as big as an Irish girls ass.

A Good Morning

I got up this morning at 5:30 so I could make the early train. I needed to do this because I had to be at work early. I had to be at work early because I had a move. Moves in the corporate world are like bowel movements after eating White Castels. They are constant and they last forever. We have whole teams at the bank who only work on moves.

So, I drag my tired carcass out of bed and into the shower and onto the train. I walk in the door at 7:30 only to find that most of the equipment was never moved. So, I have to sit on my ass twiddling myself until the unionized movers get off their two and half day coffee break and move the equipment that was supposed to be moved on Friday night.

So, I got up early for nothing. I had two hours of surfing the net and eating an overpriced Corner Bakery Banana muffin to show for me going to bed early. Can’t wait for what awaits me tomorrow in the corporate hellhole. Sorry, venting is all I can do and why create a blog site if you can’t vent once in awhile.

Oh Darn

Fuck New Math
Fuck The GOP
Fuck Dave Matthews and his band
Fuck the FCC
Fuck Wal Mart
Fuck Julia Roberts
Fuck the Atkins Diet
Fuck the Christian Coalition
Fuck Texas
Fuck Microsoft
Fuck soccer, NASCAR and the X games
Fuck Sean Hanity
Fuck Norte Dame
Fuck Jon Bon Jovi
Fuck the Cadillac Escalade
Fuck Starbucks
Fuck Jay Leno
Fuck Bennigans
Fuck lame White Guys
Fuck Lite Beer
Fuck Smokey the Bear
Fuck Outsourcing
Fuck Bud Selieg
Fuck MTV
Fuck Toby Keith
Fuck Frito Lay
Fuck HMO’s
Fuck Osama Bin Laden
Fuck Metrosexuals
Fuck High School Reunions
Fuck Interleague Play
Fuck Ann Coulter
And Finally Fuck the police.

Big Ass Idiots

Every morning on my train ride into the city I always enjoy sitting back and reading the paper. I am not sure why I enjoy this since every time I do, I read something that just gets my blood boiling. In the last week I have read about three similar stories that just continue to infuriate me.

The first one happened on Veterans Day. ABC planned to air an un-edited version of the film Saving Private Ryan. Including all of the language and violence that is depicted in the movie. Over sixty affiliates decided not to air it fearing a backlash from the FCC, and in fact some overly sensitive misguided morons actually did file complaints with the Nazi, I mean FCC over the broadcast claiming it was indecent.

The second incident happened before last Monday night’s football game between the Cowboys and Eagles. It seems that ABC in a pathetic attempt to plug Desperate Housewives, ran a two minute spoof in which one of the stars of the show dressed in only a towel comes on to a player and in the end drops the towel and hugs the player. Mind you we see no nudity.

The last incident is the most ridicules. It seems Antioch, Illinois is all up in arms because a new store is opening. The name of the place is the Bad Ass Coffee Shop. Some members of the community, with obviously way to much time on their hands have complained calling that name offensive.

Is this what we have become? This is the type of nonsense that happens when religious fanaticism takes over the thinking in this country. With people losing jobs at an alarming rate, our economy in the toilet, more and more people without health care, and a war that continues to drag on costing more lives this is what people want to focus on?

Saving Private Ryan is a film everyone should see. I am not a Tom Hanks or a Spielberg fan, but this was a film that moved me. If it doesn’t get some reaction out of you call a doctor because you have no pulse. Over sixty stations were afraid they were going to be fined, and you know what I don’t blame them. After the FCC fined each individual CBS affiliate over the Janet Jackson four-second-nipple exposure, there is no predicting what the FCC might do. These boobs (figurative not literal) who complained were not pissed about the violence just the language.

As for the Football debacle, it is just plain and simple hypocrisy. To hear the NFL tell it, you would have thought that that they aired a full on golden shower on public TV. What nauseates me about this one is the NFL talking out of both sides of their mouth. Has anyone seen an NFL cheerleader? They are wearing 3 pieces of thread they call outfits shaking their ass the whole time. That is OK, but the backside of a female covered by a towel is not. Huh?

To the IQ challenged yokels offended by the coffee shop I have a suggestion. Don’t shop there. To be offended by language is so pedestrian and suburban. The word ass is not offensive. They say it on free TV, and has become accepted like it or not.

I grew up in a wonderful time called the 80’s. I grew up watching soft porn on cable and George Carlin records where he told me what the seven dirty words were. And, you know what, I turned out to be a productive member of society. The human body, (epically a woman’s) is a beautiful thing and nothing to be ashamed of. We have demonized breasts. But, you know what, the more you tell a kid not to look at them the more they are going to do anything they can to do just that.

As for language, IT”S JUST WORDS! Again we demonize the word fuck or shit and forbid kids to say those them. But really what kid over the age of seven hasn’t heard that language? What bad could happen by using that language? With all the temptations kids have if that is the worst a child does than you’ve done a good job as a parent. So, please get your priorities straight and aim your mortal outrage at the people and things that truly deserve it.

Hardware Shopping

It is always been a goal of mine to own a house. I realized a long time ago that I hate working, and one day I would like to retire. I figured if I kept renting I would not be able to retire until I’m like 82. Owning something would give me the freedom to one day put down the briefcase and allow me to watch Jerry Springer all day.

So, my wife and I bought a house. There are things you learn and one of them is that you should open up a credit card at Menards and Home Depot the day of your closing. I have come to loathe both stores. My trips to both, re-enforce every built in stereotype I have of humans. They are indeed sheep, who have ceased thinking for themselves.

The other night I found myself in the unenviable position of having to go to both stores. Home Depot is the only store that sells 5 gallon bottles of Hinckley and Schmidt water in the area so, I usually have to make a trip once a month. Getting out of there is always an ordeal but this night it would be special.

I was returning the empty bottles, which I’ve done a thousand times when the nine year old behind the service desk asked me if I had my receipt. Of course, I didn’t why would I. She then informed me that she would let me return it this time but from now on the new policy is that I must show a receipt to get my bottle deposit back. Is it me or does every store make these asinine polices to make shopping harder? The whole time while thinking she is doing me a favor by letting me skirt the new rule, I am in turn thinking, ya, you caught me. I broke in to a stranger’s house and passed on the diamonds and gold coins. I wanted that twelve-dollar return money to use on Heroin and Crack.

After that experience I was off to Menards. The only reason I shop there is they have the best prices. Not, by a little but by a lot. However, the store is filthy. Merchandise is strewn about everywhere, pallets in the middle of aisles and every stinky, smelly “handy man”, in the area shop there. I needed to buy a folding table which was on sale, found it and was on my way to the checkouts.

There where a whopping two lanes open. Usually Menards is good at having extra lanes open but for some reason on this particular night they only had the two open. Murphy’s law will tell you that whichever lane you pick will take the longest. As logic would dictate I picked the lane with the shortest line. I had an old man in front of me buying a saw and some plumbing parts. In the time it took for this man to checkout, I could have read War and Peace.

When the saw rang up he claimed that there was a sign saying to was “supposed” to be like 12 cents. So, everyone in line waited as the helpless checkout girl paged someone who checked to see if a sign was indeed up. About a month later the stock boy, who looked as if he had just smoked the chiba, came back and informed the old man that there was no sign posted. The old man protested and wanted to see the manager.

The manager who was all of twenty-five came up to the register and instead of defusing the situation made it worse by telling this guy that he would have to pay full price. So, of course the old man told the cashier to remove the saw.

So, now his total is like 5 dollars for the reaming plumbing items. He whips out a charge card. As with most stores now a days, they want the consumer to swipe the card and know how to read. Well, this guy had no idea how to work the sophisticated credit card machine. After another hour passes, he finally gets the card through and presses the right buttons, only to have his card declined. Not having any cash on him he just walks out without buying anything.

Therefore, he wasted everyones time for nothing. After leaving the store I remembered thinking be careful what you ask for. I got my house and a whole slew of headaches to go with it.

Chello

Hi there. I’m on my way to making it big.

Anyway, Welcome to my blog. I have been trying to get this started for like a month but something always got in my way. Seems like every weekend, my wife and I had some new commitment. We have attended, weddings, went to Las Vegas, worked, went to a Halloween party, hosted a party, celebrated an Anniversary, celebrated my wife’s birthday, and got crazy with the cheese wiz, all in the last two months.

Weddings. While at a wedding last month I tried to guess at how many I’ve attended. I figure well over fifty and more likely closer to one hundred. This year alone I will have gone to five. I’ve heard the worst toasts and heard Wonderful Tonight more times than any man should. However, it was my own wedding that scarred me the most.

Getting married always scared the living shit out of me. I ended past relationships at the mere suggestion of the idea from my mate. When I met Joyce, I was still that scarred little boy who grew up in a culture of divorce. I was older however, and maybe, just maybe getting wiser.

When we met I had just gotten out of hell. The year 1997 may go down as the worst in my life. I was unhappy, living with a nut case of a girlfriend and her ten-year-old son. I was at rock bottom. It seemed that all my thoughts would be how to get out of my situation. When, I finally did I was in no mood for another relationship right away. However.

I met Joyce. I got a new job and on my first day we were introduced. I liked her right away but having been burned by past office romances was unsure if I should act on any feelings. We did and started to date. Sadly, I was in no mind frame to be in a relationship. I was taking out all of my frustrations from my previous relationship out on her. It was not fair but I could not help myself. So, we broke up.

Ten months would go by and one day I picked up the phone and called her. Maybe, out of loneliness or maybe at having realized that I had a great person and let her slip away. We started talking and despite all of my best efforts she took me back. However, Joyce was older than me, the first girl I ever dated who was older. Her clock was ticking and was in no mood to keep waiting for me to shit or get off the pot.

I knew I had to confront that fear of marriage or lose the one person who I knew I should be with. I thought about all the people I knew who were divorced. I thought about how when I heard of someone getting married, how I would just shake my head. I guess my biggest fear was that I was doing something that was normal and un-original.

I hate unoriginality and obviousness. I hate conformity and never wanted to be in a rut. Getting married always seemed like the ultimate sell out. I mean it’s been done to death. I equated it to, no more freedom, and much more responsibility.

Thankfully, Joyce waited me out. She waited for me to get my head out of my ass and realize that she wasn’t going to take away my freedom. She only wanted to enhance me and make me a better person. Why should I be scarred of that?

I hate sentimentality and happy endings, and I promise to those who know me that I will be my pessimistic, bitter old self from this point on. I just wanted to start my blog by giving my wife the greatest anniversary present of all. A public display of affection. I am writing for the entire world to see that I love her. I want to thank her for staying with me. Thank her for putting up with my old school macho mentality. I want her to know that I appreciate her.
Now, that I am married I realize that I wasn’t scarred. I just hadn’t met the right person