March Summary

Here is a brief wrap up with pictures at the bottom of the march that was completed a couple of weeks back.

Papa T’s – We were in and out of there pretty quickly. I have had some bad experiences there and none of us really wanted to spend a lot of time at this pub. So, we drank our drinks and got the hell out of dodge. Drink’s Consumed: 1 Rolling Rock

Tic and Tin – This place was really sketchy. There is no, and I mean no natural light coming in to the place. We ordered a beer and sensed a bit of the cold shoulder from the regulars. So, we decided to hit the back room and play some pinball. We put in a dollar and somehow got eight credits. After playing some pinball it was on to the next stop. Drink’s Consumed: 1 Old Style

The Sayre Lounge – Surprisingly this was one of the better stops on the march. There we were met by Wally and Art. The bar was pretty empty but the place had a really nice bartender. It had a nice pool table and a dart board. The bar has a new owner and I would not mind going back there, as it really wasn’t that bad of a place. We watched some of the Mount Carmel game and then we were off. Drink’s Consumed: 1 Miller High Life

Champs – At Champs it was Spike night. Meaning, they had eight bands playing all of which were of the metal genre. There was a five dollar cover charge. To make up for having to pay a cover we elected to stay there for two beers instead of one. We found a table in the corner and drank our drinks there. I must say I felt a little old in the place and found myself missing the old Gator’s. Drink’s Consumed: 1 Pabst Blue Ribbon, 1 Miller Genuine Draft.

Frank’s Place – Frank’s Place was about as dead as you could get. There were a couple of straggler drunks at the bar and another couple of people playing darts and that was about it. We ordered a pizza from Little Frank’s next door which rocked. The juke box was open so I got to play some tunes there. Also, they had upgraded the bathroom since my last visit so that was a plus. It is not a bad place and I would go back. Drink’s Consumed: 1 Heineken, 1 shot of Dr. Mc Gillicutty

The Castle – At the Castle again, we were met by Wally and Art. My softball team is sponsored by the place so I know the bar well. It is a shot and a beer joint plain and simple. We settled in there and debated the tunes that Art had played in the juke box. Drink’s Consumed: 1 Smithwick’s, 1 shot of Jagermeister.

Durbin’s – We finally arrived at Durbin’s and it was there I realized that I am getting old. I didn’t feel like I drank much but, I still had a nice buzz. Sadly, on Saturday’s Durbin’s has karaoke so we were stuck listening to that. Dell was nice enough to tell the guy sitting in front of him that he had dropped twenty bucks. In return that guy bought us a round of drinks. We drank our final drinks and were off to the cab we called to get us home. Drink’s Consumed: 1 Foster’s, 1 shot of B&B.

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Nick's ITunes Playlist

While reading Kevin Smith’s blog, he posted his Itunes playlist and asked for one from some of his fans. So, here is my itunes playlist. Ten great songs in no particular order that you should download now if you don’t already own them.

Whiter Shade of Pale by Procol Harum – One of my favorite songs of all time. With the haunting keyboard intro just a great song that moves me everytime I hear it.

So Lonely, The Police – I am a Police junkie. What they did in the time they did it is in fucking credible. There are a ton of songs I can pick from, but this is my favorite. If you hear this and aren’t singing along with Sting by the end of it then you must be deaf.

911 is a Joke, Public Enemy – My favorite rap song of all time. An amazing jam off of one of the greatest records of all time, rap or otherwise. I was always a Chuck D, guy but Flav says it all in this anthem. An infectious grove that gets my white ass moving everytime I hear it.

Sin City, AC/DC – I am a Bon Scott AC/DC fan. For my money when you need to get your rock on, slip in any Bon Scott era AC/DC disc and you will be in heaven. My favorite tune from that era is Sin City. I play it everytime I am gearing up for a trip to Vegas. If you aren’t doing a Beavis impression by the end of the song then, you are in need of some sort of transplant.

London Calling, The Clash – If there is a better song to open an album I have yet to hear it. In reality you can pick any tune from this classic record. London Calling happens to be my favorite with Joe Strummer’s poignant lyrics and an amazing mix of guitars and drums. A song that I will never stop wanting to hear.

Darkstar, Crosby, Stills and Nash – CS and N is one of my not so guilty pleasures. For my money those three distinct voices were just meant to sing and vocalize together. Again, I could pick any number of songs, but Darkstar is my personal favorite. A lot of records remind someone of something, and this one reminds me of my Mom, who would play the 33 and would always sing along with the lyrics.

Dead Flowers, The Rolling Stones – I have always been more of a Beatles or Who guy more so then the Stones. Still, Dead Flowers is one of my favorite songs ever written. Just try not being moved by this record when you hear it.

Tempted, Squeeze – Paul Carrack briefly joined Squeeze to become their lead singer. While he was with them, they recorded one of my favorites ever in Tempted. A song about a man, who has loved, cheated and has lost. Sadly, I can relate.

War Pigs, Black Sabbath – To me the ultimate Heavy Metal anthem. Sabbath has to go down as one of the most influential bands in rock history, love them or hate them. What they started and when they started it are truly amazing. War Pigs is their Goodfella’s. I could put it on right now and be transported to being on the back of the bus in high school and some stoner is jamming it out of their bombox.

In My Life, the Beatles – Still my favorite Beatles song and made all the more special to me as it was the first song I danced with my wife at our wedding.

Honorable Mention - What’s so Funny bout, Peace Love and Understanding, Elvis Costello. A Quick One While He is Away, the Who. The Grand Parade of Lifeless Packaging, Genesis. Solitary Man, Neil Diamond. Long May You Run, Neil Young.

Black Wednesday

Black Wednesday is here. According to statistics tonight is the busiest bar night of the year. I am here to confirm that. I have gone out on a lot of these days and everytime each bar I visited was always jam packed. This year will be different for me. I plan to spend it on my couch with my wife watching a movie. I know it sounds boring, but I’ve done my share and I don’t need to apologize for wanting to avoid this night.

The reason most cited as tonight being the busiest bar night is that college kids are home for the holiday and haven’t seen their friends back home since August. So, what better way to catch up then to go out and grab a drink. I can personally attest to the fact as each time a Mike Dell or a Kevin Conway came home for the holiday we were out at a bar grabbing a cold one.

I have a lot of memories from this night but none of them are that significant. There was the time Wally and I foolishly decided to drive downtown to work that day and thought we could beat the traffic home. Let’s just say we were wrong. That may go down as the longest commute home in my life. Then the next year, we arrived on Metra late and we were forced to sit on the stairs the whole way as the train was packed.

One year we went and saw my friend Kevin’s band play at O’Malley’s in Alsip. The place was wall to wall people. I was ordering two beers at a time to avoid having to wait in line. It was a free for all. One year we hit B.J. McMahon’s in Oak Lawn. Usually the bar has a small sized crowd and we figured we would be okay there. We weren’t as we cold not get a table and were forced to the very corner of the bar.

The main reason I have hung up my beer mug on this night is that it is full of amatures. As a seasoned drinker I lose my patience when I am dealing with rookies and tonight you encounter a lot of inexperienced kids that don’t know how to handle their booze. I’ve been through it a million times and have no need to have to wait in a ten minute line to take a piss because some stupid frat boy couldn’t handle his Jagerbombs and is throwing up in the stall.

I will admit I was tested when my friend Wally sent out an e-mail stating that Howard and the White Boys were playing at Fitzgerald’s in Berwyn tonight. I have seen Howard over fifty times and my favorite place to see him is at Fitzgerald’s. The place is one of my favorite bars to see live music, period. But, knowing that I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow which includes three stops, I thought better of it. I have done this trek in the past with a hangover, and let me just say it is not fun.

So, I feel no shame in staying at home with Joyce and popping in are latest rental from Netflix and getting a good night’s rest. I will admit that I have not come to this point without some hesitation. I have always been the kind of person who likes to be out having fun. I remember as a teenager, if I was stuck at home, thinking somewhere somebody is out having fun and I am missing it. Maybe I am just getting too old to be rubbing elbows with college kids. Or maybe I just like spending time with my wife now. Whatever it is I feel no regret. As far as I am concerned I won’t be missing anything.

It Has Been To Long

It has been awhile since I wrote about some pet peeves. These things have been aggravating me for some time and I need to get them off of my chest.

Karaoke – You know, I will never understand the need to go up on stage in front of a bunch of strangers in a bar and drunkenly warble out Summer Loving. What is worse is being in a bar and having to hear that noise. I like listening to music when I am in a bar. I don’t want to listen to an American Idol reject parade of drunks.

Charging for Water – Did I miss a fucking meeting? When did it become okay to start charging for water? I am not talking about bottled water. I am talking about good old Lake Michigan tap water. I will never understand this practice. I went to a place for lunch and they wanted to charge me 50 cents for a cup of water. I mean come on. I actually like drinking water. I don’t want to drink soda. So, stop making me pay for something that is free.

Fat Chicks Who Think That They Are Hot – You know the type. They are bigger then Orca, but somehow have deluded themselves into thinking that they are hot. Listen, I know this sounds sexist but it isn’t. Hot girls are a pain in the ass as it is. I hate the whole attitude that they give out. As much as that bothers me, it really infuriates me when some buffalo comes waddling towards you and gives you the same attitude. Listen, there is a reason men put up with that from hot chicks. It won’t work for you Shamoo. Now, go get another dozen Krispy Kreams and get an attitude adjustment.

Help Lines – I can not stand calling a help line and having to go through like ten automated steps just to get to talk to an actual person. How much could it cost to man help lines with real people? If I am calling a help line I am more then likely already pissed off because something isn’t working. I don’t need to have to jump through hoops to simply have the pleasure of talking with another human being to fix your broken product.

The Post Office – I just have to ask, do you have to be a complete bitch to be allowed to work there? I mean it never fails, every time I have to deal with a person working at the Post Office, I am treated like shit. Besides maybe the DMV employees, I have never met meaner, nastier people who hated their jobs more. I was in a line at the post office in the loop the other day that stretched back to somewhere in Indiana. That didn’t stop three clerks from closing their booths and going on break. Sadly, we don’t have many alternatives to the post office.

Self Help Books – The only thing self help books seem to help is the author’s checking account. Listen, if you are taking diet tips from a Dr. Phil you need some serious fucking help and it won’t come in the form of a book. If you need to read a book to tell you that men and women are different, then just buy a gun already. Self Help books are bullshit and you are being duped. You want some self help, here it comes. Life is way to short to blow money on needless easy answer books. Try growing a dick and dealing with things on your own every once in a while.

The Pigeon Lady – For those who don’t know there is a lady downtown that goes around and throws birdseed on certain streets that she knows pigeons frequent. One of these spots is on Jackson and Clark. I have to pass this section of Pigeon Alley when I walk to the train. You are literally fighting these flying rats off and ducking for cover as they gorge on the birdseed. Why doesn’t this lady just leave garbage in the alleys as well and let the rats have a smorgasbord. Quit feeding these disease ridden varmints at once for the good of the city.

Chris Berman – This guy’s act is about as fresh Frankie Says Relax shirt. OK, we get it. Your shtick is taking players names and creating “clever: nicknames. This was funny in 1982, now not so much. You are about as sharp as a butter knife. You got in at ESPN on the ground floor and somehow you became the star of the network. That speaks volumes about the quality of sportscasters America currently has.

Deal or No Deal – I used to play a similar game with my Grandfather. He used to hold fingers behind his back and I had to guess how many he had. I grew out of the game by the time I was six. This game show is further proof of just how dumb we are. You no longer need to show any real skill to win money on a show. Being a good guesser is the only real ability you need to possess. On top of all that it has resurrected Howie Mandel’s career and that just isn’t right.

March On

This Saturday I am doing something I have not done for a long time. I am going on a 79^th street march. For those not in the know, a march involves hitting every bar on 79^th street, starting at Harlem and ending when we get to Durbin’s. It has been a couple of years since I have actually completed one of these.

Back in the day, Myself, Dell and Rob were March veterans. If there was nothing going on that night, we would just decide to do a march. I am not sure how the tradition started but once it got going we were regulars. We used the march as our training for when we went to New Orleans. The march consisted of hitting each bar and having one beer at each. We would then start doing shots once we hit Frank’s Place. Our thinking was that, we were going to New Orleans with one purpose, to get as drunk as lemurs. So, in order to build up our tolerance we would go on a march and eventually we got to the point that we would still be upright when the thing was over. Many others had tried to hang in there with us on the marches and many did not make it. When we did hit New Orleans we were in the best drinking states of our lives.

The traditional march used to start at Angie’s. Then it was on to the Garden Lounge and the Sayre Lounge. After those Mecca’s we would be forced to enter Key Largo. We then crossed the street to Frank’s Place. After that we walked to the Castle. Once we were done there, we were on to the Ribhouse. Finally we would end up at Durbin’s. It was great back then as we knew a lot of people that hung out at Durbin’s and we would usually find a ride home from there from someone.

Unfortunately, some of those bars are long gone and there are some new ones on the list. As far as I can tell, we are going to have to improvise a little. We will have to start at Papa T’s and then go to the Tic and Tin, The Sayre, Nick’s Fat Boy, Champ’s, Frank’s Place, The Castle and Durbin’s. That is eight places so we should be OK.

I have found memories of the O.G. march so, here are my favorite memories of each place.

Angie’s – We started the march here, so it was more of just a starting point. You didn’t want to blow your load too fast so at Angies, we would usually just belly up to the bar and start off with a beer. It was kind of like dipping a toe in the water. You didn’t want to dive in right away. So, we would drink our beers at a somewhat normal pace before the real fun began.

The Garden Lounge – The Garden Lounge was a dump and that is putting it mildly. The place had no redeeming qualities. My favorite memory of that place was the drunk offering Dell a job working on the docks. Dell was being friendly enough with the guy. Eventually the man offered Dell a job on the docks. Dell politely declined and the guy started getting more and more belligerent. Dell as nicely as he could tried to explain that he had a nice job in the computer industry but this drunk just kept badgering Dell about the job. Eventually we slammed our beers as quick as possible and got the hell out of there before the dude got violent.

The Sayre Lounge – The Sayre Lounge was right next store to the Garden. It was full of hardened and seasoned local drunks. It was the kind of bar that had a cast of regulars and when someone new walked in you were treated a little worse then a leper. My favorite story was when we were refused service there because we were spotted by a local drunk leaving the Garden. The bartender told us she didn’t serve Garden people there. We tried to tell her that we were not “Garden people.” Eventually we argued, when it hit us that, we aren’t good enough to be served in this dank pit. We finally said fuck it, and shuddered at being labeled a Garden person and got the hell out of there.

Key Largo – As bad as the Gardena and Sayre were, they were paradise when compared to Key Largo. Thankfully the building that housed this place was leveled a couple of years ago. Sadly my memories of the bar can’t be erased as easily. It was a cheesy pseudo club that was lamer then a Survivor concert. Here we would usually deviate from beer and get a mixed drink so we could slam it and get the hell out of there as fast as we could. The place was crawling with mid thirties single losers with pinky rings and to much chest hair exposed. I wanted to shower and rinse with mouth wash every time I left the place.

Frank’s Place – Frank’s Place is located right next to the pizza joint Little Frank’s and was owned by the same family. Frank’s Place wasn’t that bad, except for the fact that it was frequented by a bunch of coke heads. We would usually grab a beer and a shot at Frank’s. The shot would usually be something somewhat mild. I would usually do peppermint schnapps. I have two good stories from this place and they both involve the bathroom. The bathroom there had one urinal and one toilet with no divider between them. One time I go in there to take a leak. I open the door to find some dude is in there pinching a loaf. This guy is holding on for dear life and groaning like he is giving birth. I am doing my best to take the fastest leak possible to try and let this guy have some privacy. My other adventure in the bathroom, involves me again needing to take a leak, so I walk in just as two guys are doing lines off of the top of the urinal. Ah, good times.

The Castle - As sad as this is, the Castle used to be my favorite stop on the march. The Castle has gone through a much needed re-modeling. Back then it was a small little dump. Still the place had its charm and offered really cheap drinks. At the Castle, we would have a shot of Jagermeister. Only at the Castle their shot glasses were huge. It was like two and a half shots when they were poured. My stomach starts growling at the thought of it. I don’t have many memorable moments other then one night seeing that they had Stroh’s and ordering one and getting a can of it. It was one of the worst beers I ever drank in my life.

The Ribhouse – The Ribhouse was also a decent place all things considered. There we would do our one bourbon, one scotch and one beer. The Ribhouse separated the men form the boys. If you were still standing upright after this place you were home free. The Ribhouse has long been closed but, it was a great stop before hitting Durbin’s because they offered free popcorn. I found the buttery delight just the right snack to get me through the night. My favorite memory of the place is going on a march and our friend Tony came along. Tony was a novice at the time and we were all seasoned veterans. He was hanging in there until the three drinks there killed him. He went into the bathroom. He was gone quite awhile. I went in to check on him to find him lying on the floor in the stall, laying in his own filth. I tried helping him up but he was gone. Thankfully he lived right by the bar so we got him to his door and rang the bell and let his girlfriend deal with him.

Durbin’s – Durbin’s was the finish line of the march. It was where we celebrated our accomplishments of the evening. We would usually be felling no pain by the time we got there and would have those last drinks that we didn’t need to be having. You would think the place would be some kind of cathedral to have gone through everything we went through to get there. Sadly, it wasn’t. It did have a nice beer garden which we would usually hang out in. I have a lot of stories about Durbin’s. I can’t remember if this was a march or not, but my favorite is the time Rob got me with the juke box. We were outside and we noticed no music was playing. So, we headed up to the juke box and put in a five. Rob punched in one song and walked away leaving me standing up there alone. He puts in the Whitney Houston song from the Bodyguard. As it starts everyone from the bar looks over to see what douchebag played this to see me standing there. I could have killed him.

I Kissed A Girl

Everyone remembers their first kiss. My first real smooch (you know with tongue) came when I was in 6^th grade and I have the Catholic Church to thank for it. I was enrolled in Wilkins Jr. high at the time. My Mom still had delusions of grander in thinking that my brother and I might still turn out to be Catholics when we got older. So, she enrolled us in CCD at St. Fabian’s church.

CCD was basically a complete free for all. The poor lady who volunteered to try to teach us all about guilt and why the cardboard tasting wafers were the body of Christ had no chance. When you get 15-20, twelve year old kids in a room without fear of reprisal, shit is going to happen. I mean I simply didn’t care about the subject matter and I thought, what is she going to do, fail me. Plus they made us go on Saturday afternoons when we could have been outside doing anything else. To force kids indoors on Saturday to learn about God was really demented. All of this caused CCD class to be a little less organized then feeding time in the monkey house at the zoo.

In my 6^th grade CCD class was a girl named Tammy. This was 1981 so memories are a little hazy. I can remember she had brown hair and this really (at least to my pre-teen ass) pretty smile. I acted up and was the bain of the poor CCD instructor’s existence. Even then I knew the church was full of shit and I was having none of it. So, I was always getting in trouble and getting yelled at. Women love a rebel be it 12 or 21. I defiantly fit the bill on those Saturdays.

With my status set, one day in the class Tammy had a friend of hers ask me if I liked her. I was like, sure. So she asked if I wanted go to the park with her after class. Unfortunately, my Mom picked my brother and I up from CCD so, I knew there was no way I could pull it off that week. So, thinking fast I told her that I couldn’t but I would be able to do so next week.

I basically had a week to scheme to figure out a way so that I could walk home from CCD without having to take my 4^th grade brother. The only thing I could think of was telling my Mom that our class was staying late to work on something. (Again, I can’t remember exactly what I told her we were working on. But, God love my Mom she bought it.) I convinced her that I was old enough to walk home or at least to my Aunt’s house in Bridgeview. She relented and I was free.

So as that Saturday came around, I walked with Tammy to the park that was right behind the church. We swung on the swings and had a great 6^th grade conversation. Eventually we decided to walk home. She lived in Bridgeview near my Aunts house so, it was pretty convenient. The whole way to her house we held hands. We got to the front of her home and that was when she decided to kiss me.

I remember being a nervous wreck the whole time on that walk. This was the first female that let me hold her hand like that. I mean it was a big move back then. I realize now that 6^th graders are a lot more advanced and have either given or received fellatio but, this was the 80’s and I was in the suburbs. I had no idea how to kiss a girl. I just closed my eyes and went with it and it all worked out.

Tammy and I lasted for a whole three weeks. I kept making excuses to my Mom as to why I needed to walk home. Eventually, like any relationship in 6^th grade, it ended. I can’t remember the full details but I think she dumped me for some boy in her homeroom class or something like that. Eventually, I would run into Tammy in the halls at Argo and she became as I recall rather, how shall I say this, liberal in sexual matters. Still, this was the girl I shared my first kiss with and it led me on a wild ride with many highs and lows with the fairer sex.

Three Great Years

Today I am going to keep this one short, and wish my wife a Happy Anniversary. It was three years ago today that we got married. I can’t believe it has been three years already as it seems like just yesterday Joyce was at the florist picking out floral arrangements, while I sat in the bar next door drinking a beer. I guess time flies when you are having fun, and that must be the case. I want to thank Joyce for waiting so long for me to conquer my idiotic boyhood fears and marrying me. As I heard somewhere, “Another super year with a super lady.” Amen.

TV vs. Film

Anybody who knows me knows that I am a fan of cinema. I watch a lot of movies, as I have said and written about previously. Sadly, and maybe this is just me showing my age but there are not a lot of quality films out there. The big studios only care about having a big opening weekend. So this forces them into making movies that only eighteen year olds want to see because, typically that is the age group that will go see a movie in it’s first week of release. If a movie bombs in its opening weekend the movie is domed and will not recover.

Listen, I am no movie snob. I like Jackass and cheap horror films. However, mainstream Hollywood produces nothing that I want to see anymore. I look in the paper each week and it is a continual lineup of recycled romantic comedies, PG-13 rated “horror” movies or action films for pre-pubescent boys. This is what happens when you care more about the bottom line then about making a quality film.

With that said, for the first time in a long time there is actually some quality television being done. HBO has long been a gold standard for TV and they still are. The Soprano’s while not once what it once was is still very good. Curb Your Enthusiasm has been one of the funniest shows on, ever since it premiered. I liked Big Love and Entourage is a great fucking show.

Showtime has gotten in on the act with its new show Dexter. It took me a couple of episodes but it has got me. Any show about a serial killer who kills other serial killers is going to interest my twisted tastes. Over on FX you have Rescue Me. At long last Denis Leary has found a project that knows how to use his talents correctly. While this show can lay on the drama, it is also very funny, when it wants to be. Comedy Central offers viewers the Daily Show and the Colbert Report which are both excellent satirical comedies.

Over at the network’s, NBC has some really good comedies on right now. One, is My Name is Earl. The show is what it is. It is a chance to leave your brain at the door and laugh at some redneck humor. Jason Lee and Ethan Suplee both stand out and make this show better then it should be. The Office is my favorite comedy currently on television. I was a fan of the British version, so I was leery of the American one. Well, I may be in the minority but I think this show is even better. Everyone in the cast is perfect and Steve Carrel is one of the funniest people on the planet. A program that is getting better and better with each episode.

Also on NBC you have Scrubs. Scrubs has been putting out quality entertainment for awhile now. It is another program where the actors are all very good and the writing is as well. I also dig the O.G. Law and Order as well as SVU. Over at ABC, I have just gotten into Lost. I never watched it and then I started getting the DVD’s from Netflix. This show reminds of the first few seasons of the X-files in that each episode answers one question while asking two more. It is addictive and spell binding as hell and one of the best shows I have seen in a long time.

Fox has long been the source of one of the greatest shows ever, in the Simpsons. I admit it is not as good as it was in its heyday, but it is still damn good. Family Guy and American Dad are also pretty funny. As for non-animated shows at Fox, I have heard 24 is great but, I can’t say that I watch it.

All of this is not to say that there isn’t some bad TV out there, because there certainty is. As long as you have American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, and Deal or No Deal on the air there is going to be bad television. It is sad that these are your top-rated shows while some of the above mentioned shows have to fight to get viewership.

I can’t remember a time when television had so much quality to offer and cinema had so little. Maybe, I am just an old man now and I have completely lost touch with what is now cool and hip. Listen, I still like going to the movies. I like being in a crowd and seeing a film up on the big screen. Sadly, I just don’t get to the movies as much as I once did because of the lack of good movies out there. Sure, if you look hard enough you will find a needle in a hay stack and find a real good film. The problem is that most of the time the higher quality flicks will have a much smaller release, while the Grudge II plays on three screens per theater. So, I guess I am thankful that there are some quality programs on the air to fill the gap in my entertainment needs.

Long May you Run

Every red blooded American teen growing up in suburban America has an experience with a car. For everyone in our group of friends, it was Mile Dell’s Blue 1982 Chevy Impala. Or as we came to know it as the Chick Magnet, but more on that later. You see back in 1986, Mike Dell was one of the few people we knew that had a license and access to a car. He would drive us around in his Mom’s Chevy Impala. He had access to it because Ma Dell couldn’t really drive at night. Much to Dell’s chagrin he wound became our very own personal chauffeur.

First a little about the car. It was blue, and had a Southern Illinois Saluki sticker on the back window. It had the classic bench seating with the now defunct am/fm radio. It was not digital and you moved an actual dial to get radio stations to come in. You had two temperature gauges hot and cold. It didn’t have power windows or locks. It had four doors and when Dell first gained access to the great car, it was actually in pretty good shape.

Of course over the years the car began to take some serious hit points. I mean it had a bunch of teenagers piling in and out of it on a daily basis to make important trips to the mall and the Buddhist temple in Nottingham. The most memorable damage was to the back seat. We would simply call it, the ass pincher. You see through wear and tear in the back there was this wire that was sticking out of the rear seat passenger’s side. I don’t know anyone who rode in that car that didn’t at lest once get pricked in the ass by that wire. Dell’s bright idea was to cut the wire. This only succeed in making it sharper and more of a weapon. I will never forget Jenny Deacon. She was the only person who actually drew blood. It wasn’t funny at the time but I still laugh at that site.

Then there was also the driver’s side window. One day Dell and I were driving God knows where. Dell had a 16 oz glass bottle of RC. (These were the old days before plastic bottles.) Dell was finished with his pop and thinking the window was completely rolled down with out looking threw the bottle out the window. I’m sure you can predict what happened. The window was only half way rolled down causing a permanent chip on the top on the window. I went into convulsions I was laughing so hard at the sound and sight of it. If memory serves me right Dell had to pull the car over we were laughing so hard.

There were so many adventures we got into in that car. Like the time we went to Monk’s castle. This was a typical Friday night for us in 1986. Get as many people as we can in Dell’s Impala and just drive somewhere. (Nothing like fun in the suburbs.) Anyway, that night to the best of my memory we had in the car, myself, Dell, Lave, Zar, Nancy, Margaret, and Sherry. Our plan was to kill some time and then head off to the Argo-Stagg football game that was being played at Stagg. We for some unknown reason decided to go to Monk’s castle first. Those not familiar with southwest suburban folklore, Monk’s Castle is a monk’s monastery located on Archer Ave where there is absolutely no light. Once inside there is a cemetery all the way in the back. It was suburban folklore that if the monks caught you, they would slice your knees and make you kneel in salt.

Well, we go there and decide we are going to go to that cemetery. We park the Impala just outside the gate and leave Zar there to watch over everything, instructing him that if he hears anything to lay on the horn. We start walking and it is pitch black except for our flashlights. We see this statue of a saint about 100 feet from the gate. Then, just as we are about to make the turn into the cemetery, someone claims to hear “something.” That was all our brave asses needed. We ran ass and elbows back to the car just piling in as fast as we could. Dell gets in, literally pushes Zar aside, starts the car and floors it. Because of this we are an untangled mess of people in the back seat with body parts in many compromising positions. We can not pull over and right ourselves because there is a car behind us and we are not sure if it is a cop car. We finally get to Willow Springs road and realize of course that it was just ordinary citizen behind us. We pull over and straighten out our seating arrangement. After that fun, it was on to the football game.

For story purposes there are two things which need explaining. First, Dell had misplaced his actual driver’s licensee. So he was driving but without proof of identification. Second, Jim had a knife that was just short of being called a sword. So, we get to Stagg, on 111^th and Roberts Rd. Those not familiar with the entrance, as Roberts road ends the entrance to Stagg begins once you cross 111^th. So, you go from 40 MPH to 20 with no warning. Dell goes into the very dimly lit parking lot and does not see the cop dressed all in black directing traffic. By the slimmest of margins Dell swerves at the last minute to avoid taking this guys legs out. We of course are pulled over after this Starsky and Hutch move. At this point, Dell, begins to explain that he does in fact have a licensee just not one on him and that the officer can call Argo to verify this. The officer than explains it being Friday night at 9:00 in the evening there might not be any one to answer the phone. By now, all I am thinking is how I am going to explain this to my Mom. I am fearing that the cop is going to start taking us out of the car one by one and then finding the shiv that Jim had on him. By some miracle the cop lets us go. Maybe we did something right in a previous life. We did not press our luck and stay for the game, and got our teen asses out of there faster then superman on crack.

Lastly, I shall explain how the Impala got the moniker “chick magnet.” Zar, eventually gained control of his Dad’s VW bug. So one day Zar was talking up the virtues of the Bug when he said “and you know chicks love that car.” Dell than disagreeing sarcastically says “Come on Zar, chicks don’t like Bugs. My car could pick up as many girls as your Bug.” To which Zar replied “Oh yea Dell your car is a real Chick Magnet.” It stuck for the entire time Dell owned that car which was to about 1995. Those are just a few of the memories of that storied Impala. My friends and I had many adventures in that car. Everytime I am on the road and see an early 80’s model blue Impala, (which is becoming rarer and rarer) my mind goes back to those simpler times and remember all the stories of the Mike Dell’s Chick Magnet.

Sweet Lou

I am not sure how much more the man upstairs is going to ask us Cub fans to endure. On top of having had to wait 98 fucking years and counting for a World Series, we now have a few more crosses to bear. Last year was sickening enough watching the White Sox win the series. I had to eat crow all last year and let me tell you it sucked and was salty as hell. So, finally this year after the Sox collapsed in September, I figured the reign of terror was over. The Sox would no longer be defending world champs and life would go on.

Then this year’s playoffs began and the other most hated team of Cubs nation won this years series. The Cardinals and the arrogant, smug, jag-off Tony LaRussa won it all this year. What makes this even more galling is that they only won 83 games all year. That is the lowest amount ever for a World Series champion. Now, all those hillbilly, fat, white, republican Cardinal fans and their unshaven women get to drink their shitty Budweiser and celebrate as champs.

As for my team, well, at least things are starting to look up. They say be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. Well, I have been telling anyone who would listen that the Cubs should bring in Lou Pinella to manage for the better part of two years. Two weeks ago, my wish was granted and they officially introduced sweet Lou as the Cubs new manager replacing Dusty “Sleepy” Baker.

If nothing else Pinella will bring some fire to this team. Lou won’t stand for Jacque Jones getting picked off second base or Ramirez loafing it down the first base line on a grounder. Pinella has consistently gotten the most out of his ball clubs wherever he has gone and that includes Tampa. Connie Mack couldn’t have won in Tampa.

Now the off season which was already going to be interesting gets even more so. Jim Hendry had to make certain assurances to Lou, that he would do everything to put a competitive team on the field. I mean why else would Pinella want the job?

I know a lot of Cub fans wanted Joe Girardi as the manager. I don’t necessarily think that would have been a bad choice, but I like Pinnella a little better. Girardi overachieved in Florida for one year, but that is the only thing you have to go on. I also don’t like that there were rumors coming out of Miami that he was hard to get along with. Also, I was not a fan of his military like rules of making the players all shave and have short hair. I mean is this 1950?

So, I am cautiously optimistic, which as a Cub fan is all you can be. I am looking forward to looking into the Cub dugout and seeing a real manager who knows what it takes to win. Baseball is at a very strange time right now in that there is no dominant team. All it takes is a couple of moves here and there and we will be right back in contention.

As being a loyal Cub fan don’t we deserve that? I know there were a lot of Sox bandwagon jumpers two years ago and this will always be a Bears town. It was great in the 90’s watching the Bulls win championship after championship. However, let me just say this, if and when the Cubs win it will be a celebration the likes of which have never been seen. I told my boss, the day the Cubs win the World Series don’t expect me in the office the next day. I would trade all six Bulls championships and the 85 Bears to just once be able to say the Chicago Cubs, World Champs.