Baseball Fan Guide

I’ve been going to baseball games forever. In my years of going to games I have learned some things about what to do, and what not to do at a ballgame. Since I see these rules broken all the time, I will try and part with my knowledge in the hope that eventually people will learn some baseball fan etiquette.

No getting up in the middle of an inning – Listen, unless you are in the end seat, you have no business getting up during the middle of an inning, disturbing the other fans who are trying to watch the game. After the third out of the inning is recorded you are free to go take a leak or buy your jumbo nachos. Until then stay in your fucking seat and watch the fucking game.

It is never acceptable to eat a hamburger at a ballgame – I don’t care if you eat a pizza, nacho, peanuts, or chocolate malt. Almost anything is acceptable, except a burger. Hot dogs and baseball go together. Hamburgers do not. I’m sorry for the strict rules, and I realize it is a free country, still if you order a burger at a ballgame expect to be made fun of.

Putting ketchup on a hot dog at a ballgame should be an arrestable offense – I have harped on this vile condiment for years. If you are over the age of twelve there is no excuse. Ketchup is only for the most boring and un-imaginative pallets out there. Putting that disgusting, revolting condiment on a hot dog is like nails on a chalk board to me. Again, I know it is a free country and to each their own. I don’t care. It is disgusting and people who still put ketchup on hot dogs are in need of some serious help.

Vendors stop selling shit during rally’s, and people stop buying it – I am at the Cub game the other night. The Cubs are in the middle of an incredible four run 7^th inning rally. Does that stop the moron vendors from selling cotton candy obstructing our view, of course not. Then much to my disbelief some, jackal actually bought the shit. I have to ask, is buying cotton candy in the 7^th inning of a ballgame a good idea? I mean even if it is for your kid, that much sugar that late at night is not a good idea. Still, if you must pacify your little ankle biter, make them wait until the end of the inning and then go buy the crap.

If it is past the third inning and you haven’t arrived yet, don’t even bother showing up for the game. I had some morons in front of me show up in the fifth inning and then leave after the eighth. I have to ask, why did you even bother? Those tickets could have gone to good, deserving Cub fans, not Johnny come lately frat boys and potential date rape victims.

Cheering is a good thing, being an obnoxious prick is quite another – I love high fiving other Cub fans during a rally. There is nothing more bonding then when your team is going good. It brings the whole park together in a spirit of solidarity all cheering for the same cause. With that said, don’t be an ass about it. In the end, it is just a baseball game. If you are over-served and are becoming belligerent you ruin the fun. Handle your buzz or more importantly make sure you have a friend with you who can reel you in.

If you are wearing the visiting teams colors you have to expect to be mocked – Listen, good razing is a good and wonderful baseball tradition. I know when I wear Cub stuff to an away game I am going to hear some shit. I just hope it is good clean fun. I have no problem with that. There is a fine line between innocent razzing, and being an ass. Name calling or getting personal goes over the line and should not be tolerated.

Put your cell phones away – Nothing, and I mean nothing is more annoying then some yahoo trying to have a conversation on a cell phone during a ball game. First off it is kind of hard to hear someone on the other end over the screams and cheers of 40,000 fans. So, to compensate these droids, start screaming into their phones. Another lame trait of these cell phone bores is that when sitting in close proximity to the field they are on the phone waving to the TV cameras. Is there anything more generic and un-original? You are at a ballgame. You are outside watching the greatest game on earth. Shut the phone off and sit back and watch the action on the field. You might just enjoy yourself.

Don’t wear the colors of two different teams – I saw a couple at the park with Cub shirts and Red Sox hats. I don’t get this. You are either a Cub fan or a Red Sox fan. You can not be both. Even though they play in different divisions, they still play the same sport. Sorry, pick one team and one team only.

Know what you want when you go to buy something – I am waiting in line for an Old Style and a Hot Dog. There is a couple in front of me talking about God knows what. They get up to the counter and then decide to have a conversation about what they want to eat. First off, you have been in line for five minutes. Instead of having your lame, yuppie conversation why not figure out what the fuck you want to order. Also, this is not Gibson’s Steak House. It is ballpark food. Just order a fucking hot dog and get it over with. The lady in front of me could not make up her mind between a chicken sandwich (which I didn’t even now they sold) or a piece of pizza. Again, you are not buying a house here make your decision and get the fuck out of the way so the line can move faster as there are people behind you that actually came to watch baseball.

More Observations

Here are some observations I have made over the last couple of days.

I could listen to Van Morrison sing the phone book – For my money this man may have the best singing voice of them all. Other then Brown Eyed Girl, I could listen to him sing anything and be entertained. I have always had a soft spot for old Van and the other day I was in my car driving to our Downers office, when Glad Tidings came on the radio. Now I have heard that song a number of times before but for some reason, this time the song really hit me. All I could think to myself is just what a great record it is, and just how underappreciated Van Morrison is as a vocalist. In a society where lame American Idol twenty-something’s warble out recycled old tunes, we should really appreciate quality singers and this man is one of them.

I have never seen so many Cub hats and shirts on the southside then I have this year - I have been a southside Cub fan for over thirty years with the exception of my couple of years at DePaul and my brief flirtation when I lived on the North side. As such, I tend to notice Cub memorabilia on the south side as I feel an instant kinship with other south side Cub fans. Well, it seems everywhere I go, the grocery store, bars, and restaurants I am seeing more and more Cub fans proudly displaying their colors in my neck of the woods. Not that I still don’t see Sox hats and shirts still, because I do. However, I have seen a lot fewer Choke and other anti-Cub shirts. I guess when your team is in dead last place and the other team in town is in first, it is kind of hard to rip on them. It is nice to have the shoe on the other foot for once. Coincidentally, I took names two years ago and all you turncoat Cub fans out there, you are not welcome back on the bandwagon.

I really miss Cub Foods – There was a Cub foods on 103^rd and Harlem. I had been doing my grocery shopping there forever. I liked the store because they were reasonably priced, had a good selection of goods and for a Cub foods was really clean. It was a nice big store and I knew exactly where every item was as I had been shopping there for years. Well, last December all Cub foods in Chicago closed. This forced me to change grocery stores. Joyce and I now have basically two choices. There is a Jewel close by as well as an independent store called Freshline. The Jewel by me is small and Jewel’s prices, if something is not on sale are way higher then Cub’s were. Freshline is nice because it is an independent grocer but their prices are also up there. So, we are stuck and I am longing for the days of Cub’s.

I can not understand for the life of me how anyone, could still support George W Bush – Listen, I understand how hard it is for anyone to admit they are wrong about something. I at one time liked Dave Matthews, I was clearly wrong. Well, any man woman, Conservative, or Liberal that can still with a straight face support that jagoff, is just deluding themselves. I mean what will it take for these people to see this ass clown for what he is? His approval ratings are in the 20 percentile range, and they should be even lower. I could list all of his fuck ups and there are many, but that would like beating a dead horse. If you still can’t see this dickhead for what he is, then there really is no hope for you.

We need to re-adjust the size of items at fast food restaurants – It is very rare these days that I eat at fast food establishments. The other day, I was forced to go to a Burger King. I haven’t had a burger from there in forever. Anyway, I ordered a medium fry to go with my Whopper. I came to find out a medium is now there smallest size. The large is the new “medium” and the extra large is now the largest size. I got home and noticed my medium fry was about the size of the kiddie portion. Now, I know what you are thinking, Nick you don’t need anymore French Fries. Be that as it may, what was so difficult about calling things small, medium and large? Why do these establishments (and trust me Burger King is not the only offender) feel the need to make ordering a simple order of fries such an ordeal? Just one more reason to avoid these places, with their shit food, like the plague.

Harlem Corners

During the three year period between 1989 and 1991 there wasn’t a movie released that I didn’t see. The reason for this was Harlem Corners. Harlem Corners was a dollar movie theater on 87^th and Harlem in Bridgeview. It was perfect because my friends and I would get out of work from Kmart at 9:30 and be able to get to the theater before the 10:00 shows.

We usually hit the cinema on Monday, Tuesday’s or Wednesday’s. On Sunday’s we had softball with the Kmart team. On Thursday’s we had movie night at our house in Willow Springs. Friday and Saturday nights were usually spent going to a party. So, those other nights being bored in the suburbs and not being able to drink legally on top of being poor, we would usually just hit Harlem Corners and catch a flick. It didn’t matter what was showing, because we didn’t care.

With the movie only costing a buck to get into, it was perfect for our minimum wage earning asses. As a matter of fact we were so cheap we used to have Denise, a girl who used to work at Kmart with us, sneak us in for free. So anytime I am surfing cable and a movie comes on from that time frame, you can bet I saw it.

I have a lot of fond and some not so fond, memories of those times and here are just a couple of stories from the days of hitting Harlem Corner’s.

Parenthood
One night we were working at the Mart and my friend Chris asked innocently enough, how many people we could get to go see this shit move that night. I told him easily twenty. He doubted me. I was in the Pharmacy that night, so I grabbed my address book and started making calls from the Pharmacy phone. I called everyone I knew and told them, to go see the movie and to bring some friends.

Sure enough when we got there the theater was packed with people we knew. I lost count of exactly just how many people were there. Weather it was luck or no one having anything to do on a weeknight, we were able to literally fill the theater with our posse. It was like we were having a private screening among people we knew. As bad as the move is (and boy is it bad) we wound up having a pretty good time with it.

Lock Up
For those of you who don’t remember this classic, it starred Sylvester Stallone as a prisoner at the end of his sentence and Donald Sutherland as the vindictive warden. It sucked in case you were wondering. Well, my friends and I headed up to Harlem Corners to check it out.

As we usually did we snuck in some beers and a bottle of who knows what. Before the movie even starts someone drops a full beer and it goes rolling down the aisle stopping at some old man’s feet as beer is spraying everywhere. The sight and sound of it caused our teen asses to go into hysterics.

Then the movie started. It was really bad so, we all started making comments. Our friend Mike who has always been, how can I say this the most graphic, made some sexually inappropriate remarks about Stallone’s wife in the film, causing some gasps and angry looks from the other patrons. He was asked to leave, but instead just moved one row back fooling the sixteen year old security guard.

Sex, Lies and Videotape
As per usual with nothing to do one night, we decided to hit Harlem Corners after work. For some reason, that night it was just the boys. So, we look at what is playing and not knowing anything about it decided to get tickets for Sex, Lies and Videotape.

It was a group of about eight guys. Let me just say that it was in a word, awkward. Eight guys going to see Sex, Lies and Videotape together was way more then our suburban, nineteen year old asses could get our heads around. It was how can I say this, kind of gay. And I mean that, in no derogatory way towards the homosexual community. Usually after a movie we would hit Taco Bell or something like that and grab a bite to eat. Not that night. After the movie, no words were spoken. We all got in our cars, and drove directly home without ever discussing it until years later.

Tremors
Here was a movie I expected nothing from. We all wound up loving it. In fact we loved it so much we went back the next night and then the next. All told, I think I saw that movie at Harlem Corners at least ten times.

Johnny Handsome
For some moronic reason we were really hyped to see this movie. So, again a bunch of us head up to Harlem Corners to go see it. Basically it was about an ugly criminal who gets plastic surgery, gets a new face becomes “handsome” but that can not change his past. All this staring Mickey Rourke.

The hate and adjectives that were used to describe this as we left would make Redd Foxx blush. We are all discussing our hatred for it when, our friend Rob, mentioned that he liked it. This led to an argument that lasted for like a week. I could not comprehend how anyone could possibly like that movie. I wonder, if I mention it to Rob today if he will cop to liking this movie at one time?

When Harry Met Sally
Wally, Chris and I were off of work one night. Our other friends were working so we decided to hit the early show at Harlem Corners to see a movie and then meet up with everyone when it was over. We head over to see what is playing and for some God forsaken reason decide to go see When Harry Met Sally.

Yes, three guys in their teens, thought it was a good idea to go see maybe the lamest romantic comedy in the history of cinema together. We should have all been forced to wear tampons for the remainder of the night as punishment for our lack of judgment. The movie ended and instead of meeting up with our friends we instead just went home. The first thing I did upon getting home was shower as to remove the stink of that film from by body.

Blaze
I had been trying to get this girl from Sporting Goods to go out with me. She was just my type, pretty, petite and kin of naïve. (Hence, easily duped.) She was also a good Mexican, Catholic girl. I should have known that it was a long shot but I figured what the hell.

So, we go to eat at Giordano’s and then I decide to spend the two bucks and take her to a movie at Harlem Corners. Again, I had a brain fart and thought it was a good idea to see Blaze with her. For those who don’t remember (and who does?) it was about a Louisiana politician (played by Paul Newman) who falls in love with a stripper. The film had many scenes taking place in strip clubs.

Like I said she was a nice wholesome Catholic girl. She was shy, and was quite embarrassed from what she was seeing on the big screen. It was beyond awkward watching that movie with her and I never got a second date with her if memory serves.

Matinee
This would be the last movie I would see at Harlem Corners. It was 1993. The theater turned into a complete pit by then. There were kids running around unsupervised. Pop was caked into the floor. The seats all needed repairs. It became depressing to try to watch a film there.

Jenny and I went there to see this movie for some reason, (it is a very forgettable film starring John Goodman) and the crowd and my surroundings just made the whole experience unpleasant. I walked out of the theater and said to myself, well that’s it. This will be the last movie I see here and it was.

NFL Picks

I do not claim to be an NFL expert. As a matter of fact I am a much bigger baseball guy then football. Still, I go out on a limb every year and make my football picks. So here goes.

NFC

East
1 Philadelphia
2 Dallas
3 NY Giants
4 Washington

Basically if McNabb stays healthy then the Eagles should win the division. Dallas made strides and I like Romo but the Owens sideshow can cause havoc anytime. The Giants can’t run the ball and Eli is no Peyton. Washington could leap frog the Giants but it all depends on the development of Jason Campbell.

North
1 Chicago
2 Detroit
3 Green Bay
4 Minnesota

The Bears are the class of a bad division. They should cruise to a third straight crown. Detroit will finish second only because someone has to. Green Bay was a fluke last year and Farve is not getting any younger. Minnesota has some serious questions at the Quarterback position which usually spells trouble.

South
1 New Orleans
2 Carolina
3 Tampa Bay
4 Atlanta

The Saints shocked everyone last year in getting to the NFC Championship game. They are even better this year and should repeat. The Panthers are a talented team but Delhome had a bad year in 2006 and needs to improve. The Buc’s have a lot of questions that I am not sure Jeff Garcia is the answer to. Atlanta is a mess thanks to that ass Michael Vick.

West
1 San Francisco
2 Seattle
3 Arizona
4 St. Louis

The Niner’s are everyone’s surprise pick this year and include me on the bandwagon. A lot of nice players that are maturing at the right time. Seattle is looking old but still could have one more division title in them if they stay healthy. The Cardinals are at long last headed in the right direction but it will take some time. The Rams defense is a sieve which will kill them in the long run.

AFC
East
1 New England
2 NY Jets
3 Buffalo
4 Miami

It is hard to not be impressed with what the Patriot’s have done in the off season. They look really good on paper. If Pennington stays healthy the Jets should win some games. The Bills are improving and could make a run at the Jets for second. The Dolphins are a bit of a mess and turning to a 38 year old Trent Green is not the answer.

North
1 Cincinnati
2 Baltimore
3 Pittsburgh
4 Cleveland

The Bengals missed the playoffs last year and have something to prove. The Ravens still have that great defense but McNair is looking old. Pittsburgh is a decent team stuck in a tough division. The Browns are in re-building mode yet again and will have a tough time being competitive.

South
1 Indianapolis
2 Jacksonville
3 Houston
4 Tennessee

The Colts should breeze to yet another division title. They are not as good as last year but are still the class of the South. The Jag’s are a tough team to get a gage on. QB play will be huge in determining how far they go. The Texans are going to be better with Scuab at the helm. The Titans have Vince Young and not much else.

West
1 San Diego
2 Denver
3 Kansas City
4 Oakland

The Chargers are way talented. The only thing that may get in their way is Norv Turner. The Broncos should be good but will need Jay Cutler to show improvement. The Chiefs are unsettled at the QB position. If they go with Huard they will be better. The Raiders are going to be better (how cold they not) but still have a long way to go.

Playoffs
NFC Seeding
1 Chicago
2 Philadelphia
3 New Orleans
4 San Francisco
5 Dallas
6 Seattle

New Orleans over Seattle
Dallas over San Francisco
Chicago over Dallas
New Orleans over Philadelphia
New Orleans over Chicago

AFC Seeding
1 New England
2 San Diego
3 Cincinnati
4 Indianapolis
5 Baltimore
6 Denver

Cincinnati over Denver
Baltimore over Indianapolis
New England over Baltimore
San Diego over Cincinnati
New England over San Diego

Super Bowl
New England 31 New Orleans 27

See you in January.

Nick Back

Well I am back at work, after having had a nice relaxing vacation. Here is a brief rundown of my time off.

We started out late on a Thursday night towards Ohio. It is usually a 5 ½ to 6 hour drive. Unfortunately, we hit some real bad traffic on I-65 near Indianapolis. There was an accident and they closed the whole road. Which meant that we didn’t move for what seemed like an eternity. That caused us to get to our hotel in Columbus at an extremely late hour.

The next day we farted around my Dad’s house and went to dinner at a really good German restaurant in town called Schmidt’s. They had a buffet of various sausages of which I consumed many. The next day, Saturday was the day we decided to hit the Ohio State Fair.

Let me just say that if you are looking for a place to people watch, the Ohio State Fair may just be the best place on earth. We had a running contest in which we would try to put the Fair visitors into various categories. Here were just some of the things we saw, Mullets, She-Mullets, Exposed Ass Cracks, Half Shirt Violators, I Hate My Dad Uniform’s and People with more fingers then teeth.

The Ohio State Fair is also a place where you can gorge on some really interesting food. I consumed the following:

3 Steaks on a Stick
2 ½ Ears of Corn
1 Foot Long Corn Dog
1 Pulled Pork Sandwich
1 Fried Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich
2 Fresh Squeezed Lemonade’s
1 Beef Taco
1 BBQ Rib
1 Scoop of Ice Cream

I also had a bite of a Fried Pickle, a Deep Fried Snicker’s and a Deep Fried Oreo. It was a miracle I was able to walk erect after consuming all of that. I don’t think my digestive system was right for a week.

We then spent Sunday chilling at my Dad’s house before heading to Pittsburgh on Monday morning. I had been to Pittsburgh when I was fifteen but had not been back since. The drive itself was pretty uneventful and we got to the hotel in a little more then two hours.

I booked a Best Western off of the internet. I wanted to stay somewhere near the ballpark and the prices were not that great. The only place that I found which was not a complete rip-off was this Best Western which from the pictures I saw looked nice. Well, let me just say pictures can lie.

In a word the place was a dump. It would have been modern in 1975, but it didn’t seem like they had remodeled since the Ford Administration. They stuck us in a prison cell sized room. The place did not offer room service. The bathroom was small with a shower head that was about as strong as an 80-year-old’s piss stream. It took the hotel staff until 4 o’clock the next day to make up the room. It was a joke.

This caused Joyce and me to have a somewhat negative view of the Steel City. That was until we hit the South Side of town. There they have a nice little area in which you can find a lot of nice shops and restaurants. The downtown area was a tad dirty but maybe I am just spoiled by Chicago.

On our last night in Pittsburgh we hit the Pirates game at PNC Park. The park itself was really nice. I got a pulled pork sandwich at Manny’s Pit located in the outfield. There I met former Pirate great Manny Sanguillen. I got his autograph and he was kind enough to pose for a picture with me. The Pork sandwich was really good. I also knocked back an Iron City beer which was quite tasty. The ballpark hot dog was not great, but really that was the only negative about the park. I had great seats and was really impressed by the park.

We finally left for home last Wednesday. The drive from Pittsburgh back to Chicago was pretty good. Didn’t hit much traffic and it is a straight shot west from I-80. I spent the rest of the week at a Cub game Thursday and with the family on Friday and Saturday. I used yesterday to hit the theater to catch Superbad (Which I thought was really funny) and relax at home.

Nick Out

I am heading out past the vast cornfields of Indiana to the sprawling metropolis of Columbus, Ohio to visit my Pops. I will then be on vacation all of next week, so I won’t be updating this site for a bit. Catch you all, when I am back in the Central Time Zone.

Summer Movies Reviews

I have seen a number of movies this summer. Here are my quick reviews on the films I have seen so far. ( I can’t wait for Superbad which opens on the 17^th.)

The Bourne Ultimatum – Best movie I have seen this year. This series has rocked from the beginning and this may be the best one of the series, which is high praise. Just amazingly good action sequences. It is rare to find an action movie that has a plot, and this series has both. I hope this is not the end of it because I really enjoy these movies.

The Simpson’s Movie – As most know I have been a Simpson’s fanatic since before I was able to drink legally. The first half of this movie had me falling out of my chair with laughter. The second half kind of lost me a little but, still overall it was a pretty funny movie. It was also kind of neat to see the Simpson’s on the big screen with an audience, instead on my couch in my underwear.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – I am not a big Harry Potter guy, but my wife is. She wanted to see it at the IMAX at Navy Pier so, we headed there to see it. The parts that were in 3D were really cool, but only like 20% of the movie is actually in 3D. As for the movie itself I will admit it is the darkest of the Harry Potter movies so far, and the one that I have liked the most. Will be interesting to see where this series goes, film wise.

Ratatouille – For a Pixar movie, this was pretty damn good. Of course having the main rat being voiced by Patton Oswalt didn’t hurt. Enough stuff in it, so that kids and adults will both equally enjoy this cartoon.

Live Free or Die Hard – As I mentioned in an earlier post, I really dug this movie. An action film that is heavy on the action and the quality kills. It is hard to sit back and watch this movie and not like it. It is fun, action packed and funny at times. Plus Tim Olyphant (who is quickly becoming one of my favorite actors) plays a great villain.

Knocked Up – I have been a Seth Rogen fan ever since Freaks and Geeks. So when he stole every scene he was in, on the 40-Year-Old Virgin it did not come as a surprise to me. I was really looking forward to this movie and I did like it. I still say the 40-Year-Old Virgin is a little better but this one is still funny for the most part.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End – Joyce and I saw this movie at Hollywood Boulevard in Darien. Beer and a movie in theory sounds like a good idea. However, when I drink beer, I need to have to relieve myself more often. So, there were parts of this movie I missed to due to that. With that said, I didn’t really care for this one. I think they may have finally run this franchise into the ground. It was way to long and I was just waiting for it to end. Wasn’t the worst thing I ever saw, but was still a disappointment.

Spiderman III – I loved the first two films in this series and really was looking forward to the third installment. What a complete miss this movie was. I posted a lengthy review of this movie in an earlier post, so I don’t want to drone on about it again. Too many villains, bad plot and Kristen Dunst singing equals nothing but trouble.

IRI Stories

I have told many tales of my time at IRI. I worked there from June of 1992 until December of 1996. IRI was a great place to call my first real job. It was not a typical company in that it was young and liked to have fun. I had a lot of good times there and have a ton of stories. Now, these were funny at the time. I am not sure if they hold up to the test of time. Also, I am not sure if they translate well to the written word. But I will try my best, so here are three of my favorites.

Story One: The VP’s Right Cheek Sneak

I worked in the pc lab with my friend Wally and another guy named Andrew. A big move was scheduled in Client Services and Andrew and I were assigned to it. So, we setup a meeting with the head of the department to discuss any concerns and answer any questions.

The head of the department was a guy named Jim Thompson. He was a big, loud boisterous guy. He filled a room with his very presence. Sure he could be an ass but it was hard not to like the guy. He also had a habit of stocking the client services team with fresh faced twenty-three-year old girls who had just graduated college. It was like a model agency on that floor. Everywhere you looked was another hot young girl all hired by Jim. It got to be a running gag, that when these girls submitted their resumes they included their measurements.

So, Andrew and I head into Jim’s office to discuss the move. The door is closed and Jim is doing most of the talking as per usual. Then right in the middle of a sentence he stopped talking, lifted up his leg and let out the most disgusting, loud obnoxious, odorous fart you could ever imagine. He then continued right along with his train of thought, as if nothing had happened. If you can imagine it went like this, “So, we are going to need you guys there early Saturday (Loud Fart) to make sure that everything is in place for Monday.”

Andrew and I could hardly contain our laughter. I knew if I looked at him, I would not be able to contain myself. We spent another five to ten minutes in there as the scent of this guy’s ass filled the air. At long last the meeting was over, and Andrew and I got about three steps out the door and then burst into convulsing style laughing at the phenomenon of what we just witnessed.

Story Two: The Swinging Breasts

This story did not happen to me, thank God. Still it goes down as a classic in my time at IRI. This also involved a move. What we would typically do is take everything down on Friday night and then the movers would come in and move the equipment Saturday morning and then we would re-connect and be done with it. To avoid being there until all hours of the night on Friday, we would try to start as early as possible.

So, there we were three o’clock on the Friday of a move sniffing around to see what machines we could take down. Andrew entered upon an office of one of the female VP’s of the area we were supporting. He had drawn the short straw and was disconnecting all of the offices, why Wally and I were in the cube farm. The door to this lady’s office was closed. So, Andrew knocks and there is no answer. He checks the door and it is locked.

At this point, Andrew goes the lady’s secretary to ask if she is in. The Secretary says, “I don’t think so.” So, Andrew asks if he can have the key to her office so that he can disconnect her pc for the move. The secretary hands Andrew the key and he goes and unlocks her office. There he sees a sight that can change a man.

The VP was in fact in the office. She had a breast pump on and was in the middle of milking her, I believe left jug. As Andrew would explain it, she was pumping away and her breasts were swinging to the left and the right like a swing at a park during a tornado. At the sight of Andrew she screams and then exclaims can you come back in a minute? Andrew then leaves the office redder then an Irish farmer in July.

Story Three: The Orkin Lady

Back in the very early days of IRI, Wally and I were paid hourly. Anything over forty hours was paid at time and a half. With our bosses blessing, we would come in on a lot of Saturdays and get some work done and put a little coin in our pockets. It was nice as there was rarely anyone else in the office and we kind of had the place to ourselves.

IRI had many perks one of which was a shower on the facilities. It was located in the 6^th floor bathroom. Wally and I kept a toiletries bag and towel at our desk at all times. Being in our twenties and enduring a lot of late nights we would often over sleep and not have time to shower in the morning. We knew that we could always head to the 6^th floor and use the shower they had there.

On one particular Saturday morning we had tied one on the night before causing us to be very zombie like on our drive into the loop. Wally of course had barely gotten out of bed let alone had time to shower. We made it into the office and Wally headed straight for the 6^th floor bathroom. Now, I had used the shower at times, but I viewed it as an emergency only shower. Meaning I was washing the main three body parts and was getting the hell out of there.

Wally on the other hand, looked at it as his own personal bathroom and would take his sweet time in there. Since it was a Saturday he figured we were the only ones in the office so, he could take his time and not worry about anyone else coming into the bathroom to disrupt him.

Well, unbeknownst to us IRI had scheduled the building to be bug sprayed on this particular Saturday. So, Wally takes his shower, gets out and ties a towel loosely to his waist. He then heads over to the mirror and decides he needs a shave. So he applies some shaving cream to his face and grabs his razor. It was at this exact moment the Orkin lady came into the bathroom to spray for bugs.

The last thing she expected to see as she entered was a nearly naked man shaving in front of the mirror. She shirked in horror at the sight and nearly had a grabber as she ran out of the bathroom. Wally decided to abandon his shave and get his ass out of there. As he told Andrew and I this story are sides were splitting at the mere thought of it.

Bad Wedding Songs

I have been to a lot of weddings in my day. Because of that, I have heard a lot of bad songs being warbled out by the old wedding DJ’s. I admit that I have a bad habit of taking music way too seriously. With that said, here is a list of songs I never want to hear at a wedding ever again or the world is in danger of Nick going postal.

Love Shack – You know I really don’t hate this song. I don’t particularly like it either. But for some reason it has become a song that I hear a whole lot at weddings. Which has caused me to grimace every time I hear it. The sad thing is Rock Lobster is a much better B52’s record.

Everything I do, I do it for you – If there is a lamer or more maudlin song I don’t know what it is. Any man, women or child that hears this song and thinks it should be played at a wedding to show how someone feels about someone else is a sick motherfucker. Bryan Adams should have never gotten that old six string in the Summer of 69. Just think we wouldn’t have had to put up with his polluting of the airwaves.

Proud Mary – Don’t hear this one much anymore but back in the day you couldn’t go to a wedding without it being played. It was as common at a wedding as binge drinking and sex with an anonymous Bride’s Maid. If for some reason in 2007 you think it is a good idea to play this song at a wedding, then you really need to retire that CCR cassette that you have in your 8 track and at least listen to music from the Carter administration.

Strokin – This Clarence Carter “classic” has been a bad wedding song forever. I do not understand why. It is a boring song that has the same dance beat throughout and it lasts forever. I think because it has the word strokin in the title it reminds people of masturbation. What this has to do with doing the Rodger Rabbit at a wedding I don’t know. No matter, this song needs to be retired.

Cha Cha Slide – Some battles you lose in life. This is the one song from this list that was played at my wedding. My wife insisted over my vehement objections. I have a rule, I refuse to dance to songs that give me directions. When I am shaking my money maker, I need to free form. Not robotically slide to the left with the other drones when the record tells me to do so. Sorry, this song is not creative, is un-original and stands for everything that is wrong with America. (No I am not kidding.)

Wonderful Tonight – Listen I love Eric Clapton as much as the next guy. But how many couples have used this as their first dance in the last twenty years? If I have to sit through one more couple swaying to this song as everyone pretends to think it is meaningful, I will vomit.

The Macarena – Really there is no bigger crime in this world then for allowing this “song” to be played at your wedding. Seriously, if your DJ even thinks about it, don’t pay him. Cancel the check. It is just a bad, bad song that hasn’t been popular in ten years. So, why in God’s green earth would anyone even think about playing this at their wedding? Still, from time to time I hear it at weddings and I shake my head in disbelief. Thank God for Vodka at weddings.

Boot Scoot Boogie - You want to know if you are a redneck, you douche bags? Play this abortion of a song at your wedding. Lame, white, boring, line dance inducing banality, at its finest.

Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy – Words escape me for this song. I hear it and I see red. If there has been a worse song recorded in the last fifty years I defy you to tell me what it is. There are so many things about this record that anger me that I can not even begin to list them. I am personally offended that this song sold even one copy. Big and Rich (by the way what an original and well thought out name for your fucking shitty country band) need to be brought up on charges for releasing this travesty.

YMCA – Oh for the love of God. The ultimate in bad disco of which there is a bunch to pick from. Listen every genre has good and bad, even disco. (I dare you to listen to Last Dance by Donna Summer and not fight every urge in your body to get up and move your ass.) But for every good disco song there are 100 bad ones. This might be the worst of the lot. How this song made a comeback in the mid 90’s I will never understand. It needs to go back to that rock it was hiding under in the 80’s.

The Time of My Life – Nobody puts Baby in a corner. If you want to put Nick in the corner of your wedding reception by the bar, well just play this song. Dirty Dancing might be the silliest movie to ever gross 100 million dollars. Which wouldn’t bother me but, for some reason its bad soundtrack has had this unwarranted staying power. So, I go to weddings and some lame bride thinks she is Jennifer Grey out there and lamely and without rhythm “dances” with her new groom to this. Dear God, is there anything more unoriginal?

The Sticks

I am a suburbanite, there is no way I can deny that. I have lived in the burbs for most of my life. I like my area and I am not going to apologize for living where I do. Sure, there are any number of things to pick on, but in the end, I like the location. One of the biggest selling points to me is that we are still 15 minutes from the city and live right by I-55 and I-294.

So, if you are going to be a suburbanite you might as well live in a place that is still in Cook County and you can still take advantage of all the city has to offer. In my mind it is kind of a best of both worlds. I am staying my ground and where I live now is about as far south as I am willing to live.

Sadly, a lot of friends and family have decided to move out to the far sticks. I now have either friends or family living in Plainfield, Manteno, Olympia Fields, Lake Zurich, Frankfort, and Crete. For the life of me I don’t understand this logic. What I hear from everyone that does it is, well you get more house for your money. OK, let’s say that is true. What are your property taxes? Also, if you are going to move to a community that is growing it is going to need to build more schools and better roads. Just how do you think they are going to get that money?

To me location is more important then anything. I like living in an area that is lived in and has a history to it. There is any number of places to order a pizza from or grab a taco. Plus if I want to go out to a restaurant, my choices are more then Chili’s and Appleby’s. This is why I live where I live. I may live in the burbs but at least I am not in Siberia.

Personally, moving out to the boonies just makes no sense. First every house looks exactly the same. The new model to home building is to make sure your house looks exactly like your neighbors. There is no more individuality. A builder comes in with one layout and just regurgitates it over and over again. On top of that these towns are all run by home owners associations.

I will never, and I mean never buy a house that is part of a home owner association. If I am paying a mortgage no one is going to tell me I can’t plant a tree in my back yard or that I can not have a flag pole. My boss who lives in Plainfield and belongs to a HOA, told me that he went to a three hour meeting and all it involved was people bitching about the sand being to course in the playground and such.

Well, no thanks. If anything, if and when we move it will be closer to the city not further. Once I get tired of the grind of maintaining a house, Joyce and I will move into the city. I hate driving so, that will be another plus, as the city has great public transit. As anyone who has ever been forced to take a Pace bus can attest, transit out in the burbs is a fucking joke. At least we have Metra.

I guess to each their own. It is all a trade off. For me living where I do makes sense. My house is big enough and it is not that a big a deal to get to the city for work. If I didn’t work in the loop, I’d more then likely move into the city. Too much suburbia would drive me nuts.