Sox Fans and Class: An Oxymoron

I must be a masochist as for the last several years I have attended the Cubs-Sox game in enemy territory at the Cell. The reasons for this are simple. First off the ticket is much easier to get on the south side. As the Cubs sell out many more games and have a smaller stadium, tickets are more readily available for the games at Sox Park. Secondly, most of my friends are Sox fans and we all head down and tailgate before and after the game. My friend Kevin usually has a smorgasbord of food, even going so far as to deep fry some turkeys one year.

While, I really enjoy all the fun and good-natured ribbing I have with my friends in the parking lot, once I go into the stadium my fun ceases. For some reason Sox fans take this game way to seriously. I just want to scream at these morons, It’s just a fucking baseball game! Sadly, these pathetic drunken losers have very little going on in their life and somehow they equate the Sox beating the Cubs to proving their pathetic existence on earth is somehow validated. How one makes this jump I do not know, yet I see it every year.

And, if I hear that Cub fans take this game just as seriously, I will have to laugh. While they may be a small minority of Cub fans who take this game just as serious, I can guarantee you they are a lot more Sox fans out there that equate this game to life or death. You see, the Sox are the second team in this city. Nothing is ever going to change that. They could go and win the World Series this year and they would still be the second team. The reasons for this are many and are better served in another blog. For some reason instead of the fans embracing this underdog mentality they rebel against the only way they know how, by hating the Cubs and their fans.

I have seen fisticuffs and thug behavior and the drunken Sox fan usually starts it. Sure, there are Sox suck shirts out there but you will see ten times more negative Cubs attire than the other way around. I guess I will never fully understand the hate and why they have such a huge chip on their shoulder. The Cubs won on Saturday but that did little to dissuade the drunken idiot Sax fans. (Of which my friends are not a part of. While they may give me shit from time to time it is all in fun and there is absolutely no malice intended.) As I was walking down the ramp to get out of there I was attacked with the verbal “Cubs still suck” all the way until I exited the stadium.

So, every year I say that this will be the last year I go to the game. However some parts of me still enjoys the other parts of the day, like the kinship with friends and the other good Sox fans. (And trust me they are out there. However, human nature tends to make one concentrate on the idiots.) Those reasons keep me coming back. I just would hope that maybe one day these morons who feel the need to belittle the Cubs just grow up and concentrate on their own team. The Cubs are not in your division and other than those six games the outcome of the Cubs score has no bearing on your team. Please just root for your club and try to show at least a little bit of class when doing so. Somehow I doubt that will ever happen. Because you see hatred is a learned behavior. So, if you have one drunken idiot and he raises another drunken idiot the cycle will never end.

Drunk Cusine

I have been known to consume spirited beverages in my time. I’ve had many a night where I was a little over-served and found myself at two in the morning looking for a bite to eat. This is really never a good idea because this will usually make the next morning, I mean afternoon, which was already going to suck become a near death experience. However, logic and Jack Daniels do not really go together. While there are many other options, I will break it down to the three main late night culprits.

White Castle – This is not a good idea sober but drunk it is like playing Russian roulette. There is nothing worse than grabbing some greasy sliders after consuming a twelve pack of Schlitz. The gas you are going to produce the next morning will be nuclear. I mean your dog won’t go near you for at least a day. There is nothing on that menu that will sit well. The worst part about Whitey’s is that in the moment they are heaven. They taste great, they soak up some alcohol and you can eat like ten of them. That is what makes this such a deadly combination. While it soaks up some of the booze it won’t soak it all up. Plus as those burgers are salty as hell, you will become even more dehydrated than normal. Remember a hangover is just dehydration. Also there is a great temptation to order onion rings to go with those burgers. As bad as the next day is going to be if you get the O-rings you will need to have your stomach pumped. So, do yourself a favor and avoid the White Castle at 4 AM no matter how appetizing it may seem.

A Burrito – Another real bad idea. Take this from someone who has found themselves in Summit at 3 AM ordering a steak burrito from El Farol. First off, most burritos contain re-fried beans. While you can order it without the beans I never do. Next you have to put hot sauce on it. On top of al that a burrito contains lettuce which is a ruffage. With all of that said, most of your local burrito joints aren’t exactly using the finest quality of meats. I mean you won’t find a better grade of Horse in most places. Trust me your stomach after consuming Wild Turkey and Old Style’s does not an injection of this combination. And, because of this your stomach will usually revolt in the form of a tremendous case of the runs. At least this is how the Francone stomach acts the next day. I usually pick up either War and Peace or the long version of the Stand because I am going to be parked for a while. Again, unless you like visiting the Emergency Room avoid the late night burrito.

Your Local Diner – For my posse and me this usually involves Les Brothers. This is your safest choice but still poses many traps. All you really need to have is a bowl of soup. As they always serve you bread with the soup this makes a very good late night meal as the soup usually contains many vegetables and the bread will act as a sponge to soak up some of that nights Hamm’s. Sometimes I get crazy and order a tuna on toast but don’t try to be a hero. However, after consuming Everclear and Lipton Iced Tea you will tend to lose focus and order something you have no business eating. Like a Hobo. A Hobo is a skillet, which contains scrambled eggs, melted cheddar cheese over hash browns. It sounds great and trust me it is very tasty but the next day you will be speaking in tongues. I’ve also sat back and watched a friend order something called “A touch of Italy.” Trust me this concoction is about as Italian as the Eiffel Tower. It is the same skillet with tomato sauce, green peppers and onions. I remember calling my friend the next day around 6 PM and he still wasn’t upright.

Of course the best course of action is to avoid all food, go home drink a gallon of water and sleep it off. As a seasoned drunk I have found that it makes the next day much more bearable than grabbing a slider.

Vacation: All I Ever Wanted

Sorry for the lack of updates but I was on vacation last week and working in Elgin for a couple of days the week before. So, here is a brief rundown of the last week or so.

Friday, 6/17 - I was in Elgin working on bank merger crap. I knew ahead of time that I was going to be there late so I was able to procure a hotel room for the night, as I had to be back there at 7:30 the next morning. They provided beef sandwiches for dinner and we got to work. As it turned out we finished our work early and everyone headed to a bar around the block from our hotel. The corporate card was out, (not mine as I never want one of those) and I put a couple away and headed back to pass out in my room at the luxurious Hampton Inn of Elgin.

Saturday 6/18 – I did make it in at 7:30 but I was pretty useless. I had a jelly donut and got to work. After awhile I forgot I was hung-over and plowed through the rest of the day. They bought us stale deli sandwiches for lunch and we got out of there around six o’clock. It is an hour drive so by the time I got home I really wanted to just grab a quick bite and go to bed which is what I did.

Sunday 6/19 – My mom and step-dad took my brother and I out to eat for our collective birthdays. Mine being the 23^rd and Vince’s being the 13^th. We went to Capri, which is usually a slam-dunk, but I had a bad meal. I have had their Vodka sauce a number of times and it has been out of this world. Unfortunately, it really sucked. As a matter of fact for the first time in years I sent a dish back. What I got in return was not any better and I chocked it down vowing to never order that sauce there again.

Monday 6/20 – I started my vacation with a phone call in the morning that our new fridge was being delivered. We had bought one the week before from a Sears Outlet in our area. So, I had to hurriedly transfer all the contents of the fridge into some coolers and then back into the fridge once it was delivered. I then grabbed some lunch at Duke’s and decided to head to the theatre to catch Batman Begins. The movie rocked and gave me hope for the new Batman series as this blows away the Burton film from 89.

Tuesday 6/21 –I had a dentist appointment so, I headed over and got a check-up. I found out my usual dentist who has to be at least sixty was in Iraq. So, he had a filler dentist in the office. He was real young but, nice. I mentioned I was a Cub’s fan and he then proceeded to talk to me about the team while he was doing his thing. I guess the fact that all I could do was mumble a un-huh to everything he said was good enough for him. I then farted around the house and grabbed some a soup and salad from Dominick’s for lunch. Later that night the wife and I went to Billy Boy’s where I had the worst Gyro I ever had in my life. I then put in I Heart Huckabee’s, which might be one of the worst movies I ever sat through.

Wednesday 6/22 - I headed to Menard’s and bought all of the supplies to build some shelves in my garage. I purchased some bracket’s the shelves, a level and some screws. I then started putting them in using the new electrical drill I got from my Mom and Lou for my birthday. In the middle of doing this project I grabbed a sub from Sub City. With the help of the wife I got the shelves done and headed to my softball game. The team had been playing much better but we picked the worst week to have a real clunker of a game. We got our ass kicked 13-4. I went 1-3 and after being on a hot streak with the bat found myself back in a funk. I hit the Castle (the bar that sponsors us) and then headed home for the evening.

Thursday 6/23 – It was my 36^th birthday. Birthdays get less and less special as one gets older. My wife was kind enough to spoil me by buying me a new bag for work, a mirror that does not fog so I can now shave in the shower, and gift certificates to Best Buy and Borders. The Best Buy certificate was burning a hole in my pocket so I went there and blew it on some DVD’s. I picked up Snatch, Anchorman, and Casino. I then headed back to Dominick’s for lunch where I grabbed a ham and swiss sandwich and a salad for lunch. Joyce came home and took me out to dinner for Ribs at the Pit in Hickory Hills. My friend Wally called and invited me out for some beverages at Totino’s in Orland. I had a couple and played about ten games of Bag’s. At some point the bar turned into The O.C. as we were the oldest people in the bar by ten years. As if I needed another reminder of how old I am.

Friday 6/24 – I had plans to do some work outdoors’ but it was hot as hell out so, I limited myself. I went to the batting cages to work on my swing a little. I then went to Jewel to and grabbed some of their chicken. I did the dishes and cleaned up some messes that I had made during the week and when Joyce came home we went out and grabbed dinner at Ichiro a Japanese restaurant in Orland. Joyce being a Sushi fan really liked it. I thought it was all right but I think I ordered the wrong thing. We then went home and relaxed for the evening.

Saturday 6/25 – I went to the Cub’s-Sox game at the Cell. I expected the worst as the Cubs have been playing like crap and the White Sox just don’t lose. I got there early at partied with my posse on the grassy knoll in the parking lot. We grilled some Italian sausages and had a couple of beers. I went in to watch as Aramis Ramirez hit a first inning grand slam and Greg Maddux pitch a good game, which led to my beloved Cub’s beating the Sox. Of course this did not stifle the idiot factor of Sox fans but I will post my thoughts on them at another time. I went back out to the parking lot and waited for the traffic to die down with my posse. I eventually headed home where my wife was waiting. She needed me to drive her to Melrose Park, where her mom was, (her Mom takes care of an older lady there) so that she could get a hair cut. Not wanting her to drive there by herself at 8:00 I did so. There I met Mary a nice old lady whose dog Carson seemed to be infatuated with my right leg. I kept trying to discourage Carson but he was in love. Eventually I rebuffed his advances enough and was able to read the book I brought and head home.

Sunday 6/26 – Sadness set in as I realized I would have to come back to work. It was brutally hot but the wife and I still decided to hit the Hickory Hills street fair. All in all it was pretty lame and we got out of there after about a half hour of dying in the heat. We grabbed lunch at Billy Boy’s and this time I played it safe and grabbed a grilled cheese. We headed home and I watched the Cubs beat the Sox again and I finished putting some chairs together that Joyce had bought at Target. We were both tired and not wanting to cook I grabbed a pizza from Fasino’s while Joyce ate some Tai food. I watched the new episode for Entourage and went to be sobbing knowing I would be back here today.

Yet Another Vent

Babies in movie theaters – For the life of me I will never understand how anyone could think it is a good idea to bring an infant into a movie theater. I mean just how fucking stupid do you have to be. If you can’t get a fucking baby sitter than stay the fuck home. That is part of the sacrifice you have to make when you decide to have kids. Unless you think a large crowd, in a darkened theater that has state of the art surround sound so you can really hear those explosions is a good place to bring a child. It is ignorant behavior and I for one propose that theaters not allow any child under the age of two into a movie, even if it’s Finding Nemo.

Nose picking – You know I am not the most well-mannered man on earth. I’ve been known to let out the occasional belch after a good meal and my wife can attest to my champion like gas explosions. However, as unpleasant as those experiences might be, the end result is that if you wait a minute the sensation evaporates. When one picks their nose, something usually comes out and needs to be flicked somewhere. There is nothing worse than going to take a leak at work and you stand at the urinal and come face to face with a burger that has been left on the wall by some obnoxious individual. If you need to pick your nose use the stall and grab some TP and please flush all moon rocks.

People who use religion as insurance – I have run across a lot of people who think that just because they go to church this gives them a license to be an asshole. It’s like I can be a fucking dickhead all week, treat people like shit and as long as I go to church on Sunday and make a donation all of my sins are forgiven. It’s my belief that if there is a God he might not be cool to treating your fellow man with disrespect.

Death Memorials – We have a morbid fascination with death in this country. I understand everybody grieves in his or her own way but to leave flowers on the side of the road for someone who got in a car accident is weird. Why would you want to go to the site of a loved one’s death? I would rather celebrate their life and try to remember what that person was all about than morbidly creating some bizarre roadside tribute with balloons and flowers. Hey I feel as bad as the next guy when some foolish driver kills someone but a roadside tribute is not going to bring them back.

The Term Right Sizing – This is one of those new age corporate terms. It just oozes with bullshit. Call it what it is damn it. You got downsized not right sized. You see some HR prick figured the term downsize was to negative and that right sizing would be a better more positive term for when you shit can some people. You could call it flower and rainbow sizing and the end result is the same. Some lazy managers who have no other ideas figure the best way to cut costs was to fire some people. To me Right Size is when I go to Sears and find a pair of pants that fits as soon as I try them on.

Paris Hilton – America, just how did you let this tramp become a celebrity? OK, she made an amateur sex tape that got leaked to the web. Big deal, it is grainy and she just lies there. Then FOX gave her and the other bimbo a show so devoid of interest to anyone other than the lowest common denominator. You just had to watch didn’t you? This bimbo is about as dumb as a bag of hammers and is the exact opposite of what you would want your daughter to turn out to be. She is a spoiled rich, nymph who has never worked a day in her life and needs to go far away. I personally will never stay at a Hilton as long as I live because the thought of giving her just one cent gives me the cold sweats.

Cell Phones at Baseball Games – I bitched about cell phones in a previous rant but nothing pisses me off more than a cell phone at a ball game. You are there to relax, take in America’s pastime, and maybe have some beers. You are not there to talk to your homey’s or discuss next weeks staff meeting. I cannot understand these dipshits who can’t leave the house without that cell leash attached to their belt buckle. No one is that important. If you are going to the game turn the phone off, grab a hot dog and an Old Style, sit back and watch the greatest game on earth.

Strip Clubs – OK, I do not look down on the women who work there. I understand the motivation, as it is easy money. It is the lonely desperate idiot men who spend hundreds of dollars for a lap dance that repulse me. Not that I have ever done so, but if I am going to spend that kind of money I better be getting something other than blue balls out of it. Let me see if I get this straight. You pay money to have a naked woman grind her ass into your crotch all the while leaving you with a massive erection that after the song is over she leaves you with. Listen I was sixteen once and those girls were called prick teases. To willingly pay for that treatment is moronic. I have more respect if you went to a hooker.

Not Paying Attention at A Stop Light – Listen, if you are the first car at a stoplight it is your responsibility to pay attention and as soon as that light turns green to hit that peddle on the right and move. I am not saying you have to gun it but you should move so as many people as possible can make the light. Yet, it seems so often I am at a light and the dope that is the first car there is either yapping the phone, talking to their passenger or, has just zoned out. Than if you hit the horn to get them off thier ass you usually get the finger in return. I guess people don’t like being reminded that they are idiots.

More Netflix Fun

Some movie reviews from the latest rentals from netflix.

I Robot – A futuristic movie in which robots attempt to rule the earth only to be stopped by Will Smith. Ya, it is as bad as it sounds.

The Assassination Of Richard Nixon – Sean Penn is brilliant as always but the movie itself lacks a certain something. I wanted to really like this movie, however in the end I cannot really recommend it other than Penn who tries his best to save it.

The Final Cut – Another bad Robin Williams movie. I really hated this one. The idea behind it sounded interesting, a device gets planted in your head that records all of your life’s events and when you die a video can be shown of your life. However, in the end it just didn’t do it for me and if you can tell me why Mira Sorvino is in this movie, you win because there was absolutely no reason.

Maria Full of Grace – a movie I expected little out of but kind of surprised me. A story about a young woman in Mexico who in order to make some money for her family decides to become a drug mule. Gripping and compelling, not a sunny film by any stretch of the imagination but it is a very good story and I would recommend it.

Collateral – Yes, Tom Cruise plays it way over the top. However, Jamie Foxx steals the show with a great performance. A Michael Mann film, so I was bound to like it. It keeps you and guessing and on the edge of your seat. Overall, another one I would recommend.

Nick's Top 50: 10-1

At last here it is. Nick’s top 10 records off all time.

10. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Mothers Milk – To me this goes down as the pinnacle of the Chili Peppers catalog. A disc released before they became the corporate sellout whores they are now. While I love all of the earlier recordings with their original guitar player Hillel Slovik, the debut of John Frusciante still makes me pulsate. You listen to their cover of Higher Ground and get blown away. From the franticness of Magic Johnson to the beautiful Taste The Pain, just sit back and remember just how great this band was at one time.

9. The Who, Live At Leeds – For my money the greatest live performance ever recorded. Recorded in 1970, when the great Who were firing on all cylinders this disc gives a slight glimpse into what many believe is the best live band of all time. Their classic version of Summertime Blues and the great A Quick One, While He’s Away are just some of the gems on this record. Trust me on this, if you want to put on a disc that gives you just an amazing live performance than put this in, sit back and enjoy.

8. Grateful Dead, American Beauty – All right, I am sure I will get heavily nuked on this one. (Particularly from my brother.) Let me just say a couple of things. I am not a dead head. I never was, and never pretended to be. I felt that whole late 80’s early 90’s re-incarnation was complete bullshit and was just a bunch of wannabe hippies who just wanted to smoke pot and not bathe. (Not there is anything wrong with that it just was not my scene.) Most of these people were born twenty years to late. With that said, I find American Beauty to be one of the greatest records ever recorded. Simple music that you can’t help but enjoy. So, even if you are not a dead head I implore you to give this record a try. Open your mind and you might be surprised what you find.

7. The Police, Synchronicity – Simply put the best of the Police’s many great records. How many bands can say their last effort was their best? Sure, it is was popular and I can go a lifetime with never needing to hear Every Breath You Take, but the disc on a whole is just solid. No weak points, songs that are just incredible, and a timeless sound that sounds as good today as the first time I heard it. Again, it pisses me off so much to see what Sting has become, but for a time he was doing it better than anyone.

6. The Who, Tommy – While many will tell you that Quadrophenia is the better of the two I am here to tell you that I still find Tommy to be a little better of the rock opera’s. Maybe it is because I grew up with Tommy. I have listened to this record so many times yet, I never get sick of it. Proved Pete Townsend’s genius and is without a doubt one of the most ambitious records ever. A true original that was way ahead of its time. This band is possibly the greatest of all time when you look at it from a whole. Four guys who just laid it all out and left nothing back.

5. The Beatles, Rubber Soul – The first great Beatles record. It was the first one to move away from the bubble gum hold my hand era. Sure, it had Drive My Car on it, (which is a song I do still enjoy) however after that it just is amazing. Released in 1965 it signaled a change in the band and music in general. From the amazing In My Life to the classic Michelle after forty years it still holds up.

4. Genesis, The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway – A musical masterpiece. Timeless classic, which showed the early brilliance of Peter Gabriel. This was Genesis before Phil Collins ruined it. From the opening chords it sucks you in and takes you on a musical experience that nothing you will ever hear will rival it. I will never get tired of listening to it and if you cannot enjoy and appreciate the brilliance of this record than by all means stop reading this as you have no taste. (I know that sounds elitist but that is how strongly I feel about this album.)

3. Nirvana, Nevermind – A disc that changed music. No matter what you may think of this band there is no denying that they changed music. This album was the last nail in the hair band heavy metal coffin, and for that alone one should be grateful. A disc that the threesome put together and it made history. It gave birth to the term grunge, (even though Cobain hated that term) and released a ton of knock off wanabe alternative rockers onto the world. Sure, Cobain had his issues and was a coward for killing himself, (of course if you lived with Courtney Love you might want to blow you head off to) but, that should not take away from just how amazing a record this is.

2. The Beatles, The Beatles (The White Album) – To me this is the greatest in a series of great records by the foursome. Joe Walsh said it best, “If you want to learn how to play guitar, learn how to play the White Album.” This double record is the one where you could see the division in the band. You had Paul with his Ob-La-Di and John with his Dear Prudence. No two songs seemed to sound the same and yet it somehow all works. While many will argue that the White Album is a cop out of a choice, no other Beatles record has caused as much debate among my friends and myself. It is a classic for all time and just like Nevermind, it changed music.

1. The Clash, London Calling – So here we go, yes, my favorite record of all time is the mighty Clash’s London Calling. More than just a punk record it is an amazing assortment of songs that you cannot help but love. Joe Strummer and Mick Jones created something that goes beyond words. I found this disc in my late teens. I bought it on the recommendation of a friend and at the time I had not had much of a history with the Clash. As soon, as I heard it I was a fan, and would be for life. Beyond punk and beyond labels they created a record that has withstood the test of time and for me remains the greatest music ever recorded.

Softball Slump

One of the things I dreaded about running a softball team was the baby-sitting. Making sure people show up, getting everyone in the game, and all of that non-sense pretty much saps all of the fun out of it for me. Also, since I am busy with all of this other nonsense, I am having the worst year of my life stats wise.

I have two hits all year and we have played four games. This is by far the worst slump I have ever been in. The problem is that I am pressing at the plate now. I have never played first base at any level in my life and this year since I no longer have the mobility for second and no one else wanted to play first I was relegated to it. So, I put a lot of effort into learning that and really didn’t concentrate on my offense.

The results are predictable. I figured that since I’ve always been a decent hitter that I could just go up there and keep on hitting. So, as I write this mere hours before game time, I swear to you the reader, I am going to get at least two hits tonight. I went to the cages and realized a flaw in my swing. I was dipping my shoulder trying to pull everything down the line. I have to remember I am not a power hitter and all I need to do is get on base and move the line. I will report back with the results.

Pass the Bong

Yesterday the Supreme Court made yet another decision that makes my blood boil. It stated that now the government can arrest sick patients who smoke marijuana to relieve pain. So, let’s say you are dying of cancer and you smoke pot to alleviate the pain associated with chemotherapy, now those patients under the letter of the law could be arrested. Have you ever heard of anything as ludicrous as this?

For the life of me I will never understand why this country has such a poll up its ass when it comes to pot. Listen, cocaine and heroin and dangerous drugs that one can physically become dependent on. Both of those are far more dangerous than marijuana. So, why is pot always classified in the same category? Pot is no worse for you than alcohol or tobacco. Yet, the government says that if you are old enough you can enjoy them but not dope. In fact your local government makes precious tax money off of both products.

So, why are those legal and pot is not? Well, for reasons that I won’t get into the 3M corporation back in 1937 successfully campaigned to get pot outlawed. So up until that time you could have toked up legally and no one could do anything against you. The following statement is coming from someone who does not smoke pot on a regular basis, if you look at the laws we have on the books against this product they absolutely make no sense.

First off, pot is much less dangerous than liquor. After drinking alcohol one gets angry, aggressive and is much more prone to dangerous activities like getting in a car. After smoking pot, one is much more prone to raid the fridge. Since the government is so big on sin taxes if you sold marijuana over the counter you could tax the shit out of it and make some money to pour into schools, drugs for senior’s, public transportation, or any other project you want. You govern it like booze and tobacco and I don’t see a down side. Some people who were going to get stoned anyway will continue to do so without the stigma of it being illegal all the while taxpayers make out on it. I fail to see the downside.

Even if one is against the legalization of refer how somebody could be against a sick patient who uses pot for medicinal reasons is beyond me. I don’t care what the AMA says, if a dying patient wants pot I for one think they deserve the right to have it. The Supreme Court with this ruling has vilified those who seek alternative medicines to get relief. All of this makes me angry and, has given me a new cause. I will now crusade wherever and whenever to de-criminalize marijuana.

And, please spare me the useless and pointless arguments. Pot is like anything else, be it liquor, sex, cigarettes, Twinkies, coffee, or dieting, if done in moderation all of those things are fine but once you start to over indulge yourself one will have a problem. Sure, pot is not physically addictive but it sure is mentally. If you smoke up in moderation in the privacy of your own home there is nothing wrong with it. Also, save me the gateway drug bullshit. Alcohol and tobacco are the two biggest gateway drugs out there. To heap all of societies drug ills on refer is complete bullshit.

The Very Definition of a Bitch

I sit next to one of the most annoying humans to ever walk the earth. This lady has every personality trait that grates on me. She is a loud, middle-aged despicable woman who is completely unsatisfied with her station in life. She is boring has boring tastes and the whole office has to know every single facet of her un-original bland existence.

Most mornings I try as best I can to make myself scarce as not to have to listen to her banality. Most of the time she is busy talking about the American Idol finals or what happened on Desperate Housewives. She obviously has nothing else going on than to watch bad television. Well, I come in this morning and it seems just as I thought this woman could not be any more annoying I would find out she had only scratched the surface.

It seems she finally beat her long time boyfriend into submission and he asked her to marry him over the weekend. Now I have never met John, her new fiancé, but I feel for him. How a woman with so many obvious personality flaws managed to capture a man is beyond me. Either he is gay, and she is a beard, or he is so desperate that he would take any woman that would have him. Either way I now I will have to endure at least a year of wedding planning.

It already started this morning, as she was getting her list together and trying to figure out what hall to have the wedding at. The reason I know this is that all morning she was on the phone talking to whomever about this. I swear everytime a thought pops into her so-called mind she has to make a phone call to someone about it. I mean I have attention deficient disorder but this lady cannot let one second go where she is not talking to someone.

So, now I have to try to avoid my desk even more than usual. The mere sound of her nasally voice sends shivers down my spine. I hope beyond hope that either I can move my desk or that she moves. I have my limits and there is only so much I can take. Every morning when I see her my blood just boils. Every time she opens her mouth, I feel my anger and hatred start to erupt.

And, yes I know hate is a strong word but I hate this woman. Trust me if you knew her you’d hate her too. I’ve dealt with more asshole, human scum than I care to remember and let me tell you in an asshole competition she would win first prize going away. She is nasty to co-workers; she treats others like shit all because she is insecure about being a secretary.

Even though her title is administrative assistant, let me tell you she is a fucking secretary. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but lets call a spade a spade. However, if you called her a secretary, I could not imagine the verbal assault she would unleash on you. So, to her new fiancé, I say good luck, because you are sure going to need it.

Nick's Top 50: 20-11

Here are my selections from 11-20.

20. Talking Heads, Stop Making Sense – A live recording that is one of the greatest ever. Talking Heads was one of those bands that just went out and did their thing their way and didn’t care who dug it. I always marveled at the unique sound they were able to produce. On Stop Making Sense we hear a band at it’s absolute best, on stage, performing live. Sure, I enjoy the studio work they did but there is nothing like listening to David Byrne’s solo Psycho Killer.

19. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik – In 1991 the Chili Peppers came out with their disc that finally put them into the mainstream’s consciences. With the single Under the Bridge they finally arrived. Thankfully I had already been a fan for a while. I remember the day it came out, I got it, put it in and loved it instantly. A funky, good time in which the band jelled to make a wonderful record. So much greatness contained that I cannot pick my favorite tracks. Just do me a favor, put it in, listen to it and get that Dave Matthews crap out of your system.

18. The Police, Outlandos d’ Amour – The great Police will make my list a total of four times all together. Their debut record is simply brilliant. From the opening non-stop hooks of Next to You, to my favorite Police song of all time, So Lonley this album is beyond words. This was when the Police were still trying to figure out if they were a punk band or not. I guess they realized that while punk is a great style they could do something a little less constraing musically. So, this still has some punk tendencies on it but even if you are not a fan of that genre, you will still enjoy this record.

17. The Flaming Lips, Transmissons From The Satellite Heart – Rarely, has a record of which I knew nothing of moved me more upon my first listen. As soon as I heard it I loved it. Infectious, original, different, unique and catchy, this disc is one for the ages. I’ve jammed to it on a consistent basis for over ten years now. I will always applaud originality in music and The Lips are defiantly their own band. They never found the audience on mainstream radio, (save for their minor hit, She Don’t Use Jelly) yet they have maintained a solid cult following. Give it whirl one day and stick with it. You will not be disappointed.

16. Led Zeppelin, Zeppelin IV – Yes, I know it has been overplayed. Yes, I realize this is a safe choice, and yes, I understand that classic rock stations have jammed this one down your throat for eons. With that said it is still an amazing record. If you want balls to the walls rock, you’ve got it. If you want to slow it down you can. This is just four guys who had two unbelievable musicians in Page and Bonham who went out and put out a timeless record that will never be duplicated.

15. Van Halen, Van Halen I – To me one of the greatest hard rock records ever recorded. For the first time we hear the guitar genius of Eddie Van Halen. Sure, the band became beyond lame in its later years but on their debut record they were out there rocking their ass off. A record that if you grew up in the 80’s you know by heart and were issued a copy. Every kid who picked up an axe in the decade did so thanks to this album. It influenced a ton of knock off posers and cover bands. If you want to remember when they had balls put it in and erase Right Now from your memory.

14. Peter Gabriel, Gabriel 3 – The quintessential Gabriel disc. Sometimes referred to as the Melt record, it is perfect. There is nothing not to love on it. I must admit I didn’t get turned on to Gabriel until my late teens but as soon as I did, I was hooked. On 3, you will find for my money his best solo work. A masterpiece of music that takes you and literally changes you. I saw the genius of Gabriel live in of all places the crappy Rosemont Horizon and it still goes down as the greatest live performance I’ve ever seen. They guy is a brilliant musician who has never jumped the shark all these years later.

13. AC/DC, Back In Black – It’s funny as I am a much bigger Bon Scott fan than a Brian Johnson guy. Yet, I find Back In Black to be the zenith of the AC/DC library. While Highway to Hell, Dirty Deeds, and High Voltage are all quality records, BIB, is where it all comes together. From the opening gongs of Hell’s Bell’s to the pulsating Shoot to Thrill and all the way to Rock and Roll ain’t Noise Pollution, you get your dose of rocking. If you want to get into this band this is a great starting off point.

12. The Beatles, Abbey Road – Many Beatles fans I know consider this to be their best. I can certainly see why one would say that. This is of course the last full Beatles record and showing just how great they were they released it at their end. Most bands stay around to long and the end of their discography is littered with crap, not the Beatles. On Abbey Road the foursome create a disc that has a little bit of everything. At times psychedelic and at other times silly it is a classic for the ages.

11. The Sex Pistol’s – Never Mind The Bollocks – Released in 1977 the Sex Pistol’s Never Mind the Bollocks came out and spit in the face of everything. Three chords of anger, venom and energy that took on everything and changed perceptions. Maybe others were doing punk before them, but few had the impact that record had. Johnny Rotten’s angry vocals permeate through out this classic. Like it or hate it you will be hard pressed to find a disc that has influenced more people.