Another March

Tomorrow I am going on a 95^th street march. I haven’t marched down 95^th street since my bachelor party. That night I blacked out the last two bars. Hopefully, this night goes a little better. Anyway here is a rundown of the path we will be taking.

Whitney’s – This is the bar located at the Hilton. I know the Hilton is really on 93^rd but it is a great place to start a march. I don’t have many memories of the bar. The restaurant is another matter. I had the biggest crush on this girl I met at De Paul who was way out of my league. When I learned she was from Beverly that cinched it. So, finally she agrees to go out with me and she wants to go to Whitney’s. I spend more money on dinner then I have in my checking account only to have her shoot me down at the end of the night. Have I mentioned how glad I am to be married now and not have to deal with bullshit like this anymore?

The Hot Corner – This used to be called Oak Lawn Liquors back in the day. It was sketchy as hell back then. The name change came about five or six years ago and it has gotten a little better. It has a nice pool table and the drinks are not all that outrageous. My only real memory there is watching Mark Prior’s first Cub start there.

The Gaslight – Ah, the Gaslight. I have spent a lot of time in here. The owner is kind of a dick though, so I haven’t spent a lot of time there recently. Still, it has a very good kitchen and on Monday night’s you can’t beat the quarter hot dogs. My main memory of this place was spending a Thanksgiving Eve there and the bar was filled with mostly people in my posse.

Deja Brew – Deja is a newer bar on the march. It has been there awhile now, but was not in the original march we did back in the day. A younger crowd frequents this place. It has a very nice beer garden and a great kitchen. (I highly recommend the nacho platter they have. It is killer.) A lot of time spent there, I guess my main memory will be one of the first meetings of Tony’s then girlfriend, future wife. She got a little over-served and wound up tossing her cookies in the bathroom.

The Goalpost – I have been going to the Goalpost through three different configurations. I still prefer the original one they had. The first remodeling basically cut the bar in half but did provide a nice front beer garden. Then Oak Lawn made them move so, now they are in a different location. My favorite memory of this bar was back at the original configuration, we were there on a march and an 80’s band was playing. The lead singer was up there jamming away on a keytar.

St. James Place – Another bar, I’ve been to numerous times. Not a big place but it has a nice friendly quality. It has a lot of good beers on tap and it’s not that expensive. Still, my main memory of this place is being there watching game six of the 2003 NLCS and watching the Bartman play and then the Cubs self implode. Wally had bought shots for us as a good will gesture in the top of the 8^th. I told him I would drink it as soon as the Cubs won. I never did drink that shot.

George’s – Now here is a bar that I have never been able to get a handle on. Some nights you will go there and no one is there except the local bar flies. Then on other nights the place will be packed with young kids barely twenty one. I like the place because it has cheap drinks and a great scuffle board game. My main memory of this place is getting into an argument with Brian Janey over which burrito joint in Summit was better El Famous or El Farrol.

BJ McMahon’s – Here is where we end the night. Hopefully I will still be upright by the time I get there. An Irish pub that has a very underrated beer garden and kitchen. I have spent a lot time in this place as well. They used to have fifty cent drafts on Wednesday nights so, it seems like every Wednesday when I was in my early twenties I spent it drinking at this place out of a frosty mug.

I also should mention a bar that has re-located that used to be part of the 95^th st. march, Brandt’s Tavern. A shot and a beer joint that stood out because it had a ping pong table. There was nothing like having a couple of drinks in you and then trying to play ping pong. I know it takes up a lot of room, but more bars should have ping pong.

All Star Rosters

All star rosters will be announced on Sunday. Here is my 30 man roster for both leagues if I got to pick. Remember each team needs at least one representative.

NL Starters

1B Prince Fielder Mil.
2B Chase Utley Phi.
SS Jose Reyes NY
3B Miguel Cabrera Fla.
OF Matt Holiday Col.
OF Ken Griffey JR. Cin
OF Carlos Lee Hou.
C Russell Martin LA
SP Jake Peavy SD

Reserves

Infield: Chipper Jones Atl, Dmitri Young Wash., Albert Pujos Stl, Dan Uggla Fla., Hanley Ramirez Fla, Derek Lee Chi.

Outfield: Alphonso Soriano Chi., Eric Byrnes Ari., Aaron Rowand Phi.

Catcher: Bengie Molina SF

Pitchers: Ian Snell Pit., Brad Penny, LA, Carlos Zambrano Chi, Chris Young SD, Brandon Webb Ari, Cole Hammels Phi, Ben Sheets Mil., Takashi Saito LA, Francisco Cordero Mil, Jose Velverde Ari, Trevor Hoffman SD.

AL Starters

1B Justin Morneau Min.
2B Placido Polanco Det.
SS Derek Jeter NY
3B Alex Rodriguez NY
OF Maglio Ordonez Det.
OF Vladimir Gurrero Anh.
OF Ichiro Suzuki Sea.
C Victor Martinez Clev.
SP Dan Haren Oak.

Reserves

Infield: Ian Kinsler Tex, David Ortiz Bos, Carlos Guillen Det, Mike Lowell Bos.

Outfield: Alex Rios Tor, Mark Teahen KC, Tori Hunter Min. Gary Sheffield Det.

Catcher: Jorge Posada NY, Ivan Rodriguez Det.

Pitchers: Josh Beckett Bos, Eric Bedard Balt, James Shields TB, Bobby Jenks Chi, Jon Lackey Anh, C.C. Sabathia Clev, Johan Santana Min, Justin Verlander Det, Jonathan Papelbon Bos, Joe Nathan Min, J.J. Putz Sea.

Nick's Embarrassing Moments

Everybody has moments where they wish they had a rewind button in life. Here are two of my most embarrassing moments. I am cringing as I write this.

I was working at Kmart. I had just started dating Jenny. Another girl there, who I would later have some private moments of passion with, Cindy asked me to be her date to her cousin’s wedding. I agreed to go months before I started dating Jenny so I was kind of in a pickle.

Being a man of my word, I went with Cindy against the vehement protest of Jenny. I didn’t want to go, but I had given this girl my word I would. She had already rsvp’d and I felt that I would have kind of left her in the lurch if I didn’t go. Maybe it was the voodoo hex Jenny put on me but the night would bring about a moment that I can never forget.

I looked around the banquet hall and there was no one I knew there except Cindy. The couple getting married where Born Again Christians which meant the bar served cool refreshing Coke and 7-up but no sprits of any kind. So, I had nothing to take the edge off. We got seated at our table where I was stuck with eight strangers and Cindy. As what usually happens in situations like this, small talk ensues.

So, I start doing my stand up act, telling some story. Now, as someone who was raised Italian I have a tendency to talk with my hands. So, as I am telling the story I am also acting it out. We had just been served our salads and I had just generously applied some French dressing. So, as I tell the story my hand comes down on the fork that was resting on the salad plate. This causes the fork to fly airborne and hit the wall behind me with a piece of lettuce attached for good measure.

The entire table went into hysterics at the sight of it. I looked over and saw the lettuce stuck to the wall slowly making a downward trek leaving behind a streak of French dressing on its descent. I literally wished there was a hole in the floor so, I could have crawled into it and died.

As bad as that was, this next one is worse. I lived with this story privately for years but, the time has come to unburden myself with it. This also occurred the same time I was dating Jenny. I would spend a whole lot of time at her house back in the day. Her Mom had to be up at 5 AM and her Step Dad worked third shift so, we basically had the run of her house from like 8:30 PM on.

Late one night Jenny and I are in the front room watching movies or something like that. Jenny gets up, and I assume she is going to the bathroom. Little did I know she was heading into her bedroom to take out her contacts. I liked to play practical jokes on her so, I was going to surprise her in the bathroom. I looked over and I saw the bathroom door closed. What I didn’t know was that it wasn’t her in the bathroom it was her Mom.

I open the door, to see her mom sitting on the toilet taking care of business in a half asleep haze. Why the door was not locked I will never know. Her Mom then let out a startled scream and I closed the door embarrassed beyond words. Jenny asked what happened and I told her oh, nothing. For the remainder of my relationship with Jenny I never looked at her Mom the same. That would be an omen for how our relationship would turn out.

Radar Love

I have gotten some flack for attacking NASCAR as much as I do from a un named source. I think the main reason I hate it so much is that it is sort of a microcosm of society. We are fatter and stupider and NASCAR is proof of that.

First off calling NASCAR a sport is kind of like calling Gallagher a comedian. Driving in a circle making left hand turn after left hand turn does not take athletic ability. I am not saying it isn’t a talent but painting is also a talent. Driving fast and not getting in an accident takes skill, but that skill does not translate into athletic ability.

With that said, the main reason I hate NASCAR, is that it is for the brain dead. What makes baseball and to a lesser degree football so great is that as a fan sitting in the park or at home is that you can armchair quarterback along with the head coach or manager. What strategy is there in NASCAR? You hit the gas and re-fuel from time to time. From a fans perspective it is just sitting there watching cars go around and around. There is no interaction what so ever.

I have always loved baseball for the strategy part of it. Next time you go to a game instead of watching the donut race on the big screen or the blooper reel, watch the fielders behind the pitcher. Look at the outfielders. Are they shading a guy a certain direction? Are they playing deep or shallow? Where is the Shortstop? Is he shading in the hole or up the middle? These are all keys in trying to figure out how a pitcher is going to go after a hitter. Every pitch in a baseball game has meaning and purpose behind it. Strategizing along with the pitcher, catcher and the manager is half the fun for me.

This is why I don’t understand the fascination with NASCAR. In a two hour race there is maybe ten minutes of strategy. Like I said, it is more a reflection of society as a whole. We like loud, fast things. Baseball is relaxing, and there are many moments where nothing happens. But to me that is the beauty of that sport. What can be better then on a summer day being out at a ballpark? When you go to a game make it an event. Go get a hot dog and an Old Style. Then go get a score card so that you can keep score. (Something no other sport is designed to do.) Keeping score at a ballgame is a lost art but, one that if you take the time to learn can add an element of enjoyment.

I guess I get it if you live out in rural Arkansas and you don’t have the opportunity or access to catch a baseball game. But, here in a town with two baseball teams, to choose to go out and watch auto racing blows my mind. Then again so does people willingly listening to Country music or spending money to watch a movie staring Kevin Costner.

Get Crazy With the Cheese Wiz

It has come to me stealing a bit from that comedy pioneer Jeff Foxworthy. Just to prove how easy his comedy is I give you ,

You might be a loser if…

You are sending fan mail to Paris Hilton in jail.

You wear a NASCAR hat or jacket as part of your daily wardrobe.

You still support George Bush even after everything that he has done

You own a Creed CD

You Tivo According to Jim

You root for the New York Yankees and you don’t actually live in New York

You spent over a $1,000 on golf clubs

You still think Dane Cook is funny or original

You are over the age of thirty and you are still going out to clubs

You talk on your cell phone at a decibel level rivaling a Who concert

You ride everyone’s bumper when you are driving

You still think Tim Burton is a great director even after he fucked up Batman and the Planet of the Apes

You home school your kids

You throw shit onto the field to protest a bad call at a baseball game

You are planning on going to see the live Transformers movie

I Hate People

I went to Duke’s Monday night to get my Italian Beef fix. In front of me in line was an older couple in their early to mid fifties. The man ordered his beef and then it was his wife’s turn. Like I said she was older, had a nasally, bitter life has conquered me tone to her voice. Try and picture that tone as I try to describe how she placed her order.

Here is how she barked her request. “I want two Hot Dogs with fries. I want mustard, relish and onions on the hot dogs. Don’t put that on the hot dog itself. Put it on the bun first then place the hot dog on the bun. I don’t want to make a mess while I am eating this. Also, I want fresh fries. Don’t try and pawn off those fries that have been sitting there all day on me.”

At this point I looked over at her husband and wondered how he never hit her over the head with a pick axe. Instead, he just had this look of defeat on his face. I can only imagine what life with this old bag has been like.

This goes back to something I bitched about a while back. You are at Duke’s ordering a two dollar hot dog. This isn’t Lawry’s steak house. It is a fucking hot dog. Just eat the thing and be done with it. It is fast food. I can understand if you are paying for a forty dollar steak. For that price you have a right to order it to your personal taste. But a two dollar hot dog, give me a fucking break.

Eventually, she moved out of my way and I was able to order. I secretly hoped that the sixteen year old girl who she berated, when ordering would spit a nice loogie onto her precious hot dog. Or at least jock the bun for a few seconds. One last thing, you can get a hot dog anywhere. A Dukes Beef, on the other hand is a treasure. If you are going to make a trip there, you are doing yourself a great dis-service by ordering anything other then a beef or a combo.

An Anniversary

On June 30^th it will mark my 15^th anniversary of when I sold my soul to the Devil and got a real job in corporate America. There are few days and events that have altered my life more then the day my Step-Dad’s brother Len called me and told me about a job opening up at his company IRI.

At the time I was working at Kmart and had resigned myself to another summer working in the Pharmacy and in Health and Beauty Aids restocking FDS and filling Monistat prescriptions. Then I got that eventful call. Len told me to come on down as soon as possible and interview for the opening. At that point I was not really in to computers and the only Windows I knew where the ones that I used to see out of my house. Which seemed like it would be a problem as the job I was interviewing for was as a PC Installer.

Len assured me the job was very entry level (which it sure was) and to come and meet the guy who was doing the hiring. So, I grabbed the next train downtown and walked over to the corner and Randolph and Clinton and met my destiny. I was ushered into the building by Len who sat me down with the guy who would be my boss, Bob. Bob was old, skinny, and a drunk. Basically his questions were more about making sure I would be there everyday and stuff like that. There was not one technical question. He showed me the numerous boxes of computers that they needed to get out. Basically he told me my job would be to setup these machines as there was a company directive to get a pc on every desk.

Think about that. Nowadays it is assumed every desk has a pc on it. Back in 1992 most of the company was still using dumb terminals. Which were basically mainframe workstations that were connecting using x.25 lines. There was no e-mail, no internet and if you wanted to play solitaire you needed to get a deck of cards.

After getting the run through with Bob, he introduced me to his and Len’s boss Eric. Eric was a strange man. He was nice enough, but a bit of an odd guy. His interview basically consisted of him asking me about myself. It was a bullshit session. I told him what he wanted to hear and I was off to one last interview with HR.

There I met a humorless woman named Diane. She was in her twenties but dressed and acted like she was fifty. I remember thinking how could a woman this young be this bitter? She proceeded to grill me about my Kmart years and asked me questions about stocking shelves. Basically, I left her office feeling like she had to justify her lot in life by being a complete bitch to everyone she came in contact with.

After leaving there, I was again off to see Bob. He offered me the job right on the spot. I accepted and he told me I could start that Monday, which was June 30^th 1992. I left the building and as I was walking back to the train, I knew this was something big. I knew that life as I knew it was about to change in a big, bad way.

I wound up working at IRI for just short of five years. I learned a whole hell of a lot in my time there. After two weeks of working there, I got my friend Wally a job doing the same thing. A couple of years later, I got Dell in as well. The he got Chuck a job. IRI was like a training ground for all of us. I could go on and nuke the place as there where a lot of things for me to bitch about. But, in reality when I look back, it is hard to view my time there with any hard feelings. I learned how to become a corporate employee at IRI. It was the first job I had where I didn’t have to punch a clock. It was my first “real” job. It started my love affair with downtown. In the last 15 years since that day, I have worked in the Loop for all but one long year where I was stuck in the Burbs.

So, as I look back and remember that fateful call, I realize that I was pretty lucky. I have had some good jobs since then, (My current, Harris Bank) and some shit ones (Chase, Monsanto, and Van Kampen) but I would not have gotten any of them without my time at IRI. I was right, my life has never been the same since that day. I guess we all have to grow up and that was the call that signaled my introduction to adulthood.

The Big Lebowski

To me the Cohen Brothers 1998 film the Big Lebowski is about as good as it gets for a comedy. A co-worker and I can go all day quoting lines from that move back and forth. Anytime, we have a client named Larry is followed by, “You’re killing your Father, Larry.” I am trying to talk Joyce into hitting the Lebowski fest in Louisville in July. Anyway here is a clip from the movie below. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K27yZzsvdCo

Nick's Favorite Cereal

I am a huge fan of cereal. I can eat it anytime of the day. A big bowl with ice cold milk is heaven. So, here are my ten favorite breakfast cereals.

1. Golden Grahams – I have often joked that if I was on death row, my last meal request would be a box of Golden Grahams, a gallon of 2% milk, a spoon and a large salad bowl. Through the years, I have been a faithful fan of this cereal. You can look in my cupboard anytime and there will always be a box. It is as much a staple in my house as oxygen.

2. Kellogg’s Raisin Bran – First off it has to be Kellogg’s. Post Raisin Bran is not nearly as good. Noting cleans out the pipes, (if you know what I mean) then a big bowl of Raisin Bran in the morning. Kellogg’s sugar coats the raisins and that is what puts it over the top.

3. Cinnamon Life – Oh, how I love this one. Regular Life is not bad either but the Cinnamon brand is even better. The cinnamon squares hold the milk just right and make this one a breakfast delight.

4. Kellogg’s Corn Flakes – An oldie but a goodie. I know a lot of people like Frosted Flakes better, but I will take Corn Flakes any day. I don’t add any sugar. They are good enough the way they are. Again, there any many varieties of this one but go with the original Kellogg’s package.

5. Cheerio’s – Another classic. When I get in the mood no cereal can quench my appetite like Cheerio’s. Again, I prefer the old classic yellow box. There are nine different varieties of Cheerio’s now but the O.G. is still the king in my book. The Honey Nut is not bad but can’t hold a candle to the classic.

6. Rice Krispies – Another old time classic. Sometimes, simple is good and Rice Krispies is a perfect example of that. Another cereal that has a bunch of varieties out there now, but the old standby classic snap, crackle and pop have done my well over the years.

7. Quisp – I haven’t seen Quisp in the supermarket in awhile. Back when I shopped at Cub Foods they carried it, but Jewel doesn’t seem to. I may have to resort to looking online for it. Quisp is one of those hidden gem cereals. You will never see advertisement for it but trust me, it is a damn good cereal.

8. Golden Crisp – The debate has raged for years as to what is better Kellogg’s Smacks or Post’s Golden Crisp. They are essentially the same thing, puffed wheat with a sugar coating. For some reason, I prefer Golden Crisp. Both are sugary as hell, but Smacks is a little to sweet for my tastes.

9. Corn Pops – I used to really love this one as a kid. As I have gotten older, I don’t eat it as much as I used to. Still, from time to time I will indulge myself and grab a box.

10. Cookie Crisp – Another one I don’t eat that much anymore, but is very good. I mean this one was a no-brainer. What goes together better then chocolate chip cookies and milk? If I see it on sale in the store I will usually grab a box.

Great Police Article

http://music.msn.com/music/features/thepolice?GT1=10095

Name That Movie

I did this a while back and thought of some more. Name the movie these quotes appeared in, who said them and the actor I will post the answers in the comments section on Mondayish.

1. You think I got kicked out because of just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you know what else? It was worth it.

2. Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?

3. Isn't that something? I'm on to cigars now. I'm on to a five-year plan. I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then I go to pipes, then I go to chewing tobacco, then I'm on to that nicotine gum.

4. Now I've seen a lot of bullshit... angel dust, switchblades, sexually perverse photography involving tennis rackets

5. Yeah, well you know, it’s nine dollar beer night.

6. Let’s not talk about that. I pulled out of her real early.

7. Shit... You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.

8. Who's going to believe a talking head? Get a job in a sideshow.

9. And make it quick, I'm in Dutch with the wife

10 Just cleaning out the old locker, she stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her... I guess you could say that about all my girls.

11. I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.

12. Oh, my parole officer wants to give me a drug test and I need your urine... can I score some of your piss?

13. Looks like University of Illinois!

14. You might as well know right off the bat, I had a vasectomy.

15. Hats. Okay? Hats. If I ever see a hat on a bed in this house, man, like you'll never see me again. I'm gone.

16. No sugar? Damn. Y'all ain't never got two things that match. Either ya got Kool-aid, no sugar. Peanut butter, no jelly. Ham, no burger. Daaamn.

17. Now that is just ridiculous, Dude. Nobody is going to cut your dick off. Not if I have anything to say about it.

18. I sure was surprised the day Lisa Flanagan asked me for a ride home and ended up blowing me.

19. God, what are you doing, you’re fucking me up here.

20. Shut up Brad! Your song stunk, I hate your suit and I could hurt you!

The IRI Picnic

I have told the story to many and I have tried to describe as best I could the IRI picnic. It is just one of those things were words don’t really do something justice. I have tried to paint a picture of the carnage that I witnessed but really, it is impossible. The picnic that I attended would be the last that IRI would ever have, thankfully because it added a couple of years to my life.

IRI was in many ways a very young company. The workers were young and the company itself had only been around since the early 80’s. I started there in June of 1992. I had recruited my friend Wally there two months later. We worked with another guy Andrew in the PC lab. Our first year there we were lowly hourly employees. Meaning if we didn’t work, we didn’t get paid. So, on the day of the picnic we opted to go to work so we could get paid. We figured since the rest of the company was at the picnic, it would be an easy day which it was.

After working there a little longer however, through the grapevine, we were told some of the lurid tales of the picnic. A guy we supported Tim, told us that people who knew they were going to quit would stay on until after the picnic. He basically in no uncertain terms told us, that next year it would be worth it to go even if we didn’t get paid.

So, in 1993 when the picnic was announced the three of us decided to attend. Our first order of business was securing a room. The picnic was held at Indian Head Lakes Golf Resort somewhere in the Northern burbs. Being the frugal spenders we were we decided to get one room for the three of us. I think they were offering us a deal in that we could get a room for like forty bucks. Which again, we split.

Included in the picnic were eighteen holes of golf for the low, low price of free. Tee times were determined by placing a name from each foursome in a hat. So, as the names were announced for tee times who do you think got the first tee-off at 6:05 in the morning? You guessed it. It was me Wally and Andrew as the first ones on the course. The rest of the company including the President and CEO would be following our asses.

The picnic was on a Friday. We had it all planned out. We would work Thursday, spend the night at Andrew’s (who lived in Lincoln Park) and get up bright and early to be on the course first thing in the morning. Of course being young we deiced to go out Thursday night.

Wally and I decided to hit Bamboo Bernie’s for a drink. We wound up closing the place as we had these girls dancing on top of the bar and as we fed them singles they exposed themselves to us. The bar closed at 2. We walked to Andrew’s and got to bed about 3 AM. We had to up at 4:30 to make it to the course in time. We got a little over an hour of sleep, on a very comfortable floor and we were off, fresh as daises. In reality we were still drunk from the fish bowls we consumed at Bernie’s.

Thank God, Andrew was there, and he drove us as we tried to at least attempt to get some sleep in the car, with minimal success. We get to the resort and tee off. Since we are tired and still intoxicated you can predict how well we played. The topper came somewhere on the back nine. There is an old golf rule where if your tee shot does not get past the ladies tee you are supposed to play the hole with your penis out. No one ever does it, but you joke about it. Well, to me and Wally’s dismay Andrew adhered to that rule. So, as he muffed his tee shot about twenty feet, he promptly pulled down his zipper and pulled out his manhood. Wally and I both, disgusted tell him we will meet him on the green if he intends to actually go through with this. Sure enough there on the green Andrew lines up all of his putts all the while hanging brain.

We finished up golfing sometime before 10 AM. The problem with that was we could not check into our room until 3 PM. So we had to wander around the resort for five hours. They had a lunch spread out for us which included the usual barbeque fare of hamburgers and hot dogs. They also had some horseshoe pits and sand volleyball courts. We killed some time with that stuff but eventually Wally and I hit the wall. We were running on pure adrenalin and really needed a shower and a nap.

At long last we got our room. IRI was having a diner party in the main ballroom of the resort at 5. So while we did get to shower, the nap didn’t really happen. So, we headed off to the dinner. It was held in the biggest banquet hall I have ever seen and you are talking about someone that has been to at least 100 weddings. This room was gigantic. There were at least ten bartender location setups throughout the hall. None of the bartenders had tip jars out. Meaning that IRI had already taken care of them.

In the far corner they were setting up the food table. This table was a mile long. It had more food on it then the Rio buffet. Ribs, chicken, prime rib, fish, pasta, and about a hundred side items. I can not begin to adequately describe just how much food was being laid on the serving tables. We sat there with our mouths drooling as they were putting the food out. I send Wally up to the buffet line to ask when we can start eating. He asks a server and she tells him to dig in. So, Wally is the first person in a room of near 1,000 people to start eating. I am not kidding as soon as Wally had a plate, there was a line out the door behind him.

After dining like kings the dancing and music started. The three of us headed to one of the bars and started doing shots with anyone in the company who wanted to do one with us. I was doing shots with guys in the mailroom to our top sales executives. I was a rookie so, I was doing shots of a number of things. One of those would be Goldschalger.

If you ever been in my presence after I have consumed Goldschalger, or are in the future, I want to go ahead and apologize now. It is the one drink that just puts me on my ass and turns me into an ass. That drink causes me to morph into another person. Another added plus of the drink is that it usually will cause me to blackout for periods. Which is what happened on this night. I was told I danced on a table with a guy from the mailroom. Apparently I toke a leak next to the CEO of the company and got into a drunken conversation with him. I also later found out I made out with some girl whose name I can not remember and whose face I wish I could forget.

At long last the party ended. It was like 10:30 but since we had virtually no sleep for two days and had gotten drunk as lemurs twice in that span, it felt like 4 AM. Eventually we stumbled back into the room. There I guess we had the bright idea to order a pizza and have it delivered. Never mind that we were barely coherent and needed a pizza about as much as a fish needs water, we still ordered one. So, while we are in the room, because we are just plain exhausted, we fall asleep. A half hour later there is a severe pounding at the door. I faintly hear it and try to ignore it but whoever it was would not stop. So, finally I drag myself up from the bed and answer the door. It is the pizza guy and he wants his $13 bucks. I some how mange to hand him some money and send him off. I open the pizza box take the smallest corner piece there, eat it and promptly pass out again.

The next morning we awoke to find a cold, uncovered, near full pizza lying out on the floor. We hit that thing like pigs at a trough for breakfast. Our room actually had a nice view overlooking the ninth hole. In the morning Andrew took a nice relaxing shower and proceeds to moon an unsuspecting foursome putting on the ninth green. Eventually we left barely making the checkout time.

The following Monday I dreaded walking down the halls of IRI. I couldn’t remember half the stuff I did and I was sure I made an ass of myself. (Which it turns out I did.) As I said that would be the last picnic IRI ever had and the last company picnic I would ever attend for any company I worked for. In hindsight I can’t imagine what that day must have cost IRI. Sadly, the days of companies having picnic’s and Christmas parties are a thing of the past. At least I was able to degrade myself once. Some day I will tell an almost equally sordid tale of the one IRI Christmas party I attended.

A New Car

Well the day is coming soon, my truck is officially for sale. I have listed it on ebay at http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&sspagename=ADME%3AL%3ALCA%3AUS%3A31&viewitem=&item=160124235112 and on Craigslist as well.

Joyce and I bought a black 2007 Honda Civic. Here is a summary of our car buying experience.

Let me just say, dealing with car salesmen is akin to getting a prostate exam. I dread dealing with these leaches and a good car salesman can make all the difference in the world when deciding between cars. After beginning some exhaustive research we narrowed down our choices to four cars, the Civic, a Toyota Corolla, a Mazda 3 and a Nissan Sentra. We had researched each car online and through Joyce’s subscription to Consumer Reports. Since we were both off last Tuesday it was at long last time to test drive them.

We started with the Nissan Sentra. I had made an appointment to test drive one at Continental Nissan in Countryside. I had filled out an internet survey which stated exactly what features we were looking for. The salesman ignored it completely and took us right to the most expensive Sentra he had on the lot. After telling him that we were not looking to get a hand job each time we sat in the thing and were looking for something a little more basic he showed us some other models. We test drove a red one, which had the features we were looking for. It was a decent ride and the price was in our ballpark. But that salesman kind of left a bad taste in our mouths which kind of hurt the Sentra.

After that we went down the block to the Continental Honda on Lagrange Road. We started snooping around the Civic’s when a salesman came by. We told him we would like to test drive one and he grabbed the key and let us go out on our own. (Which as it turns out is a big plus.) Going into our shopping a Civic rated 4^th of the cars we were scouting. However after we each test drove it, we were in a word “wowed.” On top of that, the salesman was really laid back and answered all of our questions. We left the Honda dealership with the Civic as our car. The Toyota or Mazda were going to have to really impress us.

Later in the afternoon, we were off to Oak Lawn Toyota to test drive the Corolla. Now, I had a 1992 Corolla back in the day. I loved the thing. Reliable as all hell and Toyota was a great company to me. They were always friendly and went out of their way to make sure that I was satisfied. So, I was more of a fan of the Corolla then Joyce was going in. Again, we started snooping around and an older salesman approached us. We mentioned we wanted to take the car out and we were off. The salesman was beyond quiet. It was almost like we were putting him out by asking to test drive the thing. The car itself was fine. But, let’s face it, a Corolla is not exactly sexy. Both Joyce and I came away thinking that, the car was nice but we just thought the Civic was a little sportier and it got a little better gas mileage. So, with one car to go the Civic was still in the lead.

The last car we test drove was the Mazda 3. We already have a Tribute and we have had good luck with it. I made an appointment at Oak Lawn Mazda to take one out. We got there and the salesman I made the appointment with, was in with another couple so he pawned us off on a younger salesman. He seemed nice enough, and let us take the car out by ourselves. I must say I really liked the car. It was sporty and roomy in the back. It didn’t get quite the gas mileage of the Civic but both Joyce and I liked it. It was going to be a tough call, that was until we got back into the showroom. We sat down to just ask some basic questions and the hard sell was already on. After telling the guy a number of times we were still in the search process, the young sales guy brings over the original sales dude. That guy turned out to be a complete douche who didn’t so much as acknowledge Joyce’s existence. Sadly that really left a bad taste in both our mouths and hurt the car’s chances.

So, after taking a couple of days to think it over and do even more research our choice became clearer. We both came away liking the Civic the best. So, then came the pricing game. Joyce researched the invoice price and when we went into the showroom we had a ballpark of what we would pay for the car. On Thursday night Joyce and I were off to Continental Honda to begin the negotiation.

I admit this with no reservation. Joyce is by far the better negotiator then I am. So, I left it to her to haggle. They made an offer. She made a counter offer. Our salesmen then, came back after awhile with yet another offer. Joyce stood firm telling our salesman that, if that was the best they could do, thanks but we would not be buying. John, our salesman said to hold on to see what he could do. He then came back and told us, congratulations, we had just bought a Civic. In the end I feel we got a pretty good deal as Honda was offering 4.9% financing so, our payment is very manageable.

We have had the car since Thursday and Joyce really likes it. This thing is going to save us tons on gas. Yes, I am sad to be selling my truck. But, it served me well and it is time for it to move on to greener pastures. It will always have a special place in my heart.

I am Lame

Everyone, and I mean everyone has some part of them that likes a lame song or two. I admit to my guilty pleasures, so I give you a list. Here are ten songs that I normally would not under any circumstances like but for some unknown reason I enjoy. I am not proud of this, but in the pursuit of honesty I have to admit these musical sins.

Weather with You, by Crowded House – God, I hate myself for liking this song. I mean it is pretty bad. Still, there is something about that melody that I like. Crowded House had a couple of much bigger hits with Something So Strong and Don’t Dream it’s Over. But for some reason this is the song of theirs I really dig.

Babylon by David Gray – Well, what can I say, something about this song gets to me. I know I should hate it, but whenever I hear it I am fighting every urge in my body to sing along “Let go your heart, let go you head, and feel it now Babylon.”

Breakfast at Tiffany’s by Deep Blue Something – Again, for some reason I enjoy this one as well. A one hit wonder and this song is about as deep as a puddle. With the lead singer faking a lame British accent. Yet, for some weird reason I find myself mysteriously drawn to this song and it catchy hooks.

Wildfire by Michael Martin Murphy – One month while I was working at Kmart this song was on the tape that would play endlessly on a loop. I could not get it out of my head and it has been stuck there ever since. Yes, it is part of that generic early 70’s ballad genre. Still, for some reason, I enjoy this song.

Groove is in the Heart by Dee Lite – In the late 80’s and early 90’s there was a lot of really bad music. This song upon first listen belonged in that category. Then over time I started to get it. In reality it is hard to not like this song. It has a catchy dance beat that is impossible to hear without tapping a toe to and get my white ass moving.

Praise You by Fatboy Slim – With a name like Fatboy Slim, I should hate this one. But from that opening keyboard intro this song just sucks me in. Everytime I hear it, it puts a smile on my face. I won’t defend it because deep down I know it is wrong to like this song.

Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley – Before you nuke me let me explain. For some reason this has kind of become mine and Joyce’s song. Early in our courtship, in trying to make Joyce laugh I started singing this song to her for some unknown reason. Then one day we were at a record store and she bought me the Rick Astley CD as a joke. It was one of the first in many gifts she ever got me. So, from that moment on it has kind of been our song or at least one on which we have a fond memory.

Last Dance by Donna Summer – I hate disco music. I mean really, who doesn’t? But for some reason, this song always gets my Italian ass moving. Maybe it is memories of watching a young Jeff Goldblum and Donna Summer in Thank God It’s Friday. But, for some reason when I hear this song I can’t help but shake my money maker.

Machine Head by Bush – A silly, silly song. With lyrics that are just horrendous. Yet, for some reason if I hear it on the radio, I don’t change the station. Then by the end of the song, I’ve got the volume turned up and am jamming along as Gavin tells me to breathe in and breathe out.

Word Up by Cameo – I like this song simply because it reminds me of my senior year of high school. You know the more I think of it, I really am not that ashamed of this one, because it is a decent enough tune. That lead singers voice is distinctive, if nothing else.