Auld Lang Syne

Today is one of those paradox days for me, New Years Eve. I hate it, yet I love it. However my love for it gets smaller every year as I get older. In my teens, I used to look forward to it. I have fond memories of two New Years Eve’s in particular.

The first was on New Years Eve 1986, soon to be 87. I was a senior in High School. I had asked for nothing but money for Christmas, which I got. On top of that I was working the odd job so, I had a little bit of green on me. I was seventeen. This girl I hung out with Margaret, was throwing a party. She had no booze though and entrusted Mike Dell (another friend of mine) and myself to purchase the alcohol. Mike and I gathered up money from the rest of gang, (about six bucks) and went with Mike’s older brother John, to Dominick’s to hit their liquor section.

We were like kids in a candy store, putting liquor in our carts with glee. All John asked was that we buy him a 12 pack of Stroh’s and he would purchase anything we wanted. The bill came to like $120 dollars. Remember this is 1986 dollars. Mike and I basically split the bill. That night, we were the conquering hero’s. Being only seventeen, we drank but few knew how to drink. It is that age when drinking is a game. Zar and Chuck, two friends of mine both got hammered before the New Year even approached. Zar, passing out around 10ish and Chuck getting into an insane argument about women body builders with anyone who would listen to him. It’s funny but eighteen years later if you bring the subject up his opinion of them, (that they are no longer feminine) has not changed.

The other memorable New Years was in89 going on 90. My friends and I were looking for anywhere to throw a party when my friends convinced me to throw one at my Mom and Lou’s house. Now I knew that no good could come of this yet, I agreed. I told my Mom that only fifteen people would be showing up and that since we were all under twenty-one that all we would have was a bottle of champagne to drink. I knew I was full of shit, but I wanted to celebrate the end of the 80’s damn it.

My Mom and Lou were going out for the evening and I knew they would be back around 1:30. I figured most of the patrons would go home by then. So, they left at around 8 and I had my friends bring over the booze. Of course most of the southwest suburbs knew of the party and there had to be close to one hundred people throughout the night that came in and out of the house. My brother’s first very unpolished high school band, Feedback played and the basement was wall-to-wall people with patrons sitting up the stairs to try and get a peak of the entertainment. You would have thought the Beatles were performing thier reunion show.

The New Year rang in and of course no one left. My Mom and Lou walked in the door to see me with some long forgotten K-mart check out girl on my lap and the movie extra’s of Caligula gallivanting and wreaking havoc upon their Willow Springs home. I knew I was dead. How I am still not grounded is beyond me and shows the infinite patience that my Mom and Lou showed. Lou went into survival mode by making sure no one left who could not drive. He then ordered me to take the most drunk and put them in the spare room, which would be come to be known as the cattle room. Men were laying next to other men like it was a San Francisco bath house, and it had a smell that I still get nightmares about. It was such an event that 15 years later we still talk about it.

As the years have gone by, New Years Eve has become less special. Usually I ring in the New Years at a friend’s house and I am home by 12:45. It is just such a pain in the ass, putting up with all the amateurs on the road and knowing the cops would pull you over for anything makes the night anti-climatic. So, tonight I have three different places I could go to and I don’t want to go to any of them. I guess that is part of growing up. Where as I considered myself a loser back in the day if I stayed home and watched Dick Clark, now I long for it.

Oral Pleasure

Today I have a date with the dentist. I get to be drilled and not in a good way. I don’t actually know anyone that enjoys going to the dentist other than the occasional sadist I run into. My Dentist is Dr. Rodger, which sounds more, like a pediatrician than a dentist but that could not be further from reality.

I found Dr. Rodger after a long and arduous search. I am very picky about my dentist and to me having a good dentist is even better than having a good mechanic. I have had numerous referrals that did not work out. My previous dentist was simply an asshole. I found him via my dental plan’s website and after calling like 20 offices this guy was the only one accepting new patients. That should have been my first clue. He had the bedside manner of a POW guard. Arrogant, condescending, a male chauvinist, he had the hat trick of great personality traits. I saw him twice and realized I needed to continue my search.

I found Dr. Rodger, through a friend. I called his office and made an appointment. I went in and quickly realized I was the only one in the waiting room born after the Hoover administration. His office hadn’t been remodeled since the 70’s and as soon I was walked in it was an instant time warp. My name got called and went to sit in the chair. He had none of the modern conveniences of most new dental offices, no, TV, headphones, nothing. It was old school dentistry at its best. So, I was pretty much thinking, another bust.

Then Dr. Rodger came in. He is in his 60’s with a military hair cut. However, unlike my previous dentist, he was really cool. Instead of laying a guilt trip about what I needed done he sympathized. He explains each procedure and answers all questions. He has a patience that can only be gained through experience. He has drilled thousands of cavities and has seen it all. I guess there is some comfort in that.

So, know when I have a dentist appointment, I don’t sweat it. I’m not going to say I look forward to them, but I don’t dread them either. The only problem is that I know Dr. Rodger is only a couple of years away from retiring. So, I know my search will be on again in a couple of years.

Lastly, if I run into you or talk to you in the next couple of days, cut me some slack. I apologize ahead of time if I am an ass. I might be in some pain. I know it is only temporary, and I will try to make the best of it. Wish me luck.

Bread Lovers of The World Unite.

If we need any further proof that America has lost its mind it is the Carb counting phenomenon currently taking place in the US. This just proves what I have always said, people are sheep and they are very, very lazy. You tell them they can eat all the bacon and Porter House steaks they want and they will magically lose weight, and they buy it without ever considering the long-term health costs.

Fad diets come and go. The Atkins is just the newest in a long line of weight control potions that have come and gone. Unfortunately, we are so obsessed in this country with how we look that we will go to no ends to lose weight. A while back I was at breakfast with a co-worker who was on the Atkins diet. I grabbed an apple and he had a greasy ham and cheese omelet with three strips of bacon. I asked him if he wanted half of the apple and he told me he couldn’t because, apples were not allowed on his diet. I’m sorry any “diet” that allows bacon and does not allow for apples can not good for you.

Now, I don’t consider myself to be at a perfect weight. I could stand to drop ten to fifteen pounds. However, I don’t want to. I like bread, I like pasta and damn it if I want to have a real beer (as opposed to a light one) I think I have earned the right. It is my life and I will do with it what I like. I like food and sometimes I am made to feel like a criminal because of it.

Losing weight is not as hard as people think. All you really have to do is eat in moderation and exercise. My friend Chris eats quarter hot dogs for lunch and can down a whole box of Chicken in a Biscuits in one sitting and never gain a pound. Why you may ask, because he runs every day. His metabolism is higher because of it and he burns off more calories. If you sit on your ass all day and then decide that you want to lose weight by eating nothing but meat then you better be prepared to live with that diet for the rest of your life. Because as soon as you go back to eating bread, you will put the weight back on. Any health care professional will tell you drastic and fluxuating weight gains and losses are not good for you.

So, if you are currently on that diet I implore you to stop. If you are serious about weight loss, go join a gym. I for one could care less. Vises are not always a bad thing. If you like ice cream, than eat it. Life sucks, and there are very few pleasures in it. To willingly deprive one’s self those pleasures, to me is simply foolishness.

Xmas Punch Clock

Every year around this time I choose to work. Most of the office is empty. I could never understand why people would save up all of their vacation and then blow it on the final two weeks of the year. So, as I write this on the 23^rd of December my office is a ghost town.

I prefer taking my vacation in the spring and summer. Not having money to go fly off to the Bahamas every January, I tend to spend vacations in Chicago. I get four weeks of vacation now and my wife only gets two. On top of that I get four personal holidays, so I have to find time to amuse myself with those extra days.

My first personal holiday is the day after the superbowl. I haven’t worked that day in ten years. My first year in corporate America, not knowing any better, I went into work that next day and was in a funk for a month because of it. I have a better time on superbowl night than on New Year’s Eve so, being off the next day is usually a good idea. I sleep one off and am recharged for the rest of the week.

My first week of vacation usually coincides with the start of the baseball season. I love the sport and usually attend a Cubs game that first week. Opening day is always packed but I’ve attended that second home game of the year numerous times and have had no problem getting tickets. Plus, knowing Joyce is not the biggest baseball fan and would much rather spend her vacation doing almost anything else, I can get my fix without her.

I then take the rest of my days throughout the summer or early fall. This past year we went to Las Vegas and next year we want to go to San Francisco. Joyce has a friend who lives there so we can get free room and board. All of that means that by the time December rolls around I am out of days.

There are many other reasons for my working in December. First off, I am not exactly full of the spirit on the holidays and I don’t have any kids so, I figure I will work Christmas week and let my co-workers who have kids get the time off. Second, since the office is so empty I can get a lot of work done and catch up on all my projects. Also, I guess I associate Christmas with working since I worked seven years of retail Christmas’ and to me the two go hand in hand.

Lastly, on Christmas Eve the bank puts out a great holiday food spread. The few who are in the office bring in their wives or kids and chow down and we get let out at noon. It just makes no sense to me to waste a vacation day on that. I’d rather waste that day sleeping till noon on a February morning in a vodka induced hangover trying to recover enough to make my way to the remote control to watch some quality daytime TV.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Read This!

I do not pretend to be well read. I read a lot but I read mostly about three subjects, baseball, politics and true crime. These are subjects that interest me. I’ve read my share of fiction but when push comes to shove I will always fall back on my old standbys. So here are my mini book reports on the last five works I’ve read.

1. My Bloody Life: The Making of a Latin King. By Reymundo Sanchez. It is a gripping re-telling of a young man from Puerto Rico who came to live in the US and soon found his only way of survival was to join a gang. The story resonates with me simply because it takes place in Chicago. However the Chicago he grew up in and the one I grew up in might as well have been in other continents. It is a definite page-turner and not for the squeamish.

2. It’s Not Easy Bein’ Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs. By Rodney Dangerfield. If you find Rodney even remotely funny than by all means read this book. It is written by a man who knows his time is almost up and it is completely honest. It’s funny but all I have is respect for the man. He gave up everything, battled through a lifelong battle with depression all to chase his dream of being a comedian. He’s up there with Prior, Bruce, and Carlin as comedy pioneers in my book.

3. If I knew Then. By Amy Fisher. I know, all right and yes I am an addict for tell all stories by former criminals. I read Amy Fisher My Story when it came out during the height of the whole Amy Fisher-Joey Buttifuco debacle. This book is much better. Amy Fisher has been released from jail, had plastic surgery, married and has had a son. She was a seventeen-year-old girl who made some serious lapses in judgment. She was always seeking approval from older men throughout her life and it took eight years behind bars to figure it out. Think what you want and snicker about the Long Island Lolita nonsense. This is a good read and worth ones time to sit down with.

4. Bushwhacked: Life in George W. Bush’s America. By Molly Ivins. As anyone who even remotely knows me they know I am a die-hard leftist communist Liberal. So, anti-Bush books are a must read for me. I’ve read them all and this is one of, if not the best of them all. Ivins, outlines everything wrong with our religious fanatical President in plain English. Plus she backs them up with indisputable facts. Something the Sean Hanity’s of the world have a hard time with. This Bush asshole is going to kill us. He is so over his head it is scary. There is absolutely no justification for voting for him, but I digress. Please all right wingers read this book and then come argue with me.

5. CallGirl By Jeannette Angell. A true story written by an ex-callgirl in the Boston area. I love reading tell all stories about a forbidden life. Maybe I should have been a Sociologist to learn more about them. I grew up in the suburbs so most of what this book talks about is fascinating to me. The old stereotypes of hookers walking the streets getting beat up by pimps are put to rest in this book. The author has numerous degrees and was a professor by day. However, having no money to afford to pay her bills and only bankruptcy as an alternative she decided to give prostitution a go. Call her what you want but making over a grand a weekend for having sex makes me realize just how stupid men really are.

I'm a Jackass

I have had more than one person comment on my post a couple of weeks back about my bathroom exploits at Home Depot. I grew up on gross out comedy and hey I still love Dick and Fart jokes. Maybe I’ve never moved past the third grade as far as my intellect is concerned. Or maybe, I just don’t care anymore what people think.

I liked the movie Jackass, and I am proud of it. I listen to Howard Stern and find him funny. I can watch Jerry Springer and laugh my ass off at the endless parade of white trash that feel the need to expose America to their minimal teeth and intellect. I feel no shame and feel no need to defend my tastes. Comedy has only one object in my mind, make me laugh. If I laugh, I like it. Sure, I find Monty Python hilarious but, I don’t look down my nose with some air of superiority at those who don’t . I know I often look down at many things, Meg Ryan films, those who watch Dr. Phil, readers of People and etc… However, I feel no air of superiority when I do so. I just shake my head at those who are entertained by the lot. I guess in the end it is a free country and one likes what one likes. However, if you like Gallagher then, seek help immediately.

Lowbrow humor has a place in our society and it is needed. When Steve-O is lighting bottle rockets out of his ass I find it hilarious. After a shit day at work, thoughtless, lowbrow, juvenile humor is just the prescription for reliving that stress. I have no medical facts to back me up on this but; I contend that stress is the number one cause of health problems in the US. Laughter is a cure for stress.

So, again I offer no apology for what I like. If anyone found my blog in poor taste I am sorry they feel that way. I did not mean to offend. I simply meant to make light of my condition that day. Sure, the detail I went into may have been over the top, but what can I say. I found the scene in American Pie with Finch on the toilet funny.

Also, I would ask anyone to please feel free to comment on any post of mine. I realize this blog is the ultimate in vanity. I could sit here and try to defend having a blog site. Simply put it is much cheaper to write a blog than go to a therapist.

The fish that saved Palos Hills

When my wife and I were looking to buy our house we had only one slight disagreement. It was over our fish tank. I wanted no part of it. I’ve known others with tanks and I knew that we would be singing up for an unpaid part time job. However, my wife loved the look of the tank and thought it was really cool looking. It is in our wall in the basement and I do admit that it is a conversation starter as everyone who has ever entered my house has commented on it.

Still, I was against it. The sellers were willing to move the tank with them and drywall the hole for free. However, my wife, Mom, Step Dad and our realtor were all in favor of keeping the tank so, I was a one man army fighting an un-winnable war. I succumbed knowing full well what we are getting ourselves into.

I knew nothing about taking care of fish. I never cared and I find them boring. So, I agreed to the tank on the condition that I would never have to lift a finger to care for them. I should have known that was never going to happen but, I was gullible and didn’t want to start a fight over it.

What I feared would happen did. The tank caused my wife and I much stress. First off the guy who owned the house before us took poor care of the fish and we found out they were all in bad health. The pump quit working a month into owing the house. We had to call in a guy to look into it and see if the fish could be saved. So, far only one fish has died and that in and of itself is a minor miracle. Every night it is a battle with that tank. It takes a lot of work to clean, change the water and keep up on the maintenance.

Being proven right is very little consolation. I have to bear the brunt of my wife’s struggles with the tank. I feel her pain but some part always wants to say, I told you so. But what good would it do. I want to live in as much of a stress free environment as I can and if Joyce is stressed than I am stressed.

So, I am learning more and more about the tank. I don’t like it but, my wife does and for as much as she does for me, if helping her with that tank is all she wants I can do that. I guess the lesson in all of this is, even if you know you are right, you can still be wrong. I knew this tank would be hard work and stressful. What I didn’t see is the joy it gives my wife when she gets something to work on it. She is learning a new hobby and is proud of the progress she has made with the tank. In that sense I guess it is worth of all the struggles.

Christmas Cinema

Since I often mistaken for The Grinch himself when it comes to Christmas I decided to try to write at least one positive Christmas article. So, while 90% of Christmas movies suck, (especially any movie Tim Allen stars in) I figured I would list five that are watchable. So, here we go.

5. It's a Charlie Brown Christmas. It is a good cartoon that features Charlie buying that puny tree. It is the one Christmas cartoon I can still watch without wanting to vomit.

4. Silent Night Deadly Night. Santa on a killing spree, what more do I need to say. My love for violent films is very well documented and this movie fits the bill. If you are looking for a plot, don't rent this. If you looking for a vengeful killing Santa well, then this is your movie.

3. Elf. I can watch Will Ferrell in anything and this is just another example of that. It has a very formulaic ending but the first ¾ of the movie is very funny.

2. Christmas Vacation. Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid star in this funny movie. While it cannot touch the original Vacation movie, this is a pretty good film on it's own merit.

1. A Christmas Story. This movie almost saves the Holiday for me. I watch it every year and I still laugh at that lamp in the shape of a leg. There are so, many great scenes and classic lines throughout the movie. Forget It's a Wonderful Life, this is what Christmas is all about.

I don't like Tuesday's

The popular myth is that Monday is the worst workday of the week. I am here to tell you that while Monday’s are about as fun as a trip to your local DMV they are no match for Tuesdays. Tuesdays make Monday’s look like a church carnival by comparison.

Tuesday does not have any built in excuses. On Monday if you fuck up you can always say well, “It’s a Monday.” Which basically means what did you expect dipshit, I am working with the hangover of my weekend haze. Please let my brain try to clear out any barley and hops residue and do a proper re-boot before you ask me anything work related. Plus since everyone else is in that Monday mode and some take it off to make it a three-day weekend, it tends to be a slower day.

Tuesday does not have any of that. Nothing good ever happens on Tuesday’s. This is why we elect officials on Tuesdays. Since we are used to getting screwed why change things. That second day of the week is usually the busiest. Most people have waken up and it is still early enough in the week where you can’t see the joy of Friday.

Wednesday is that middle day and you can always say to yourself as you dredge along, “Well, it’s hump day”. Just get through it and we are half way home. On Thursday things start looking good. You can smell the weekend and you put the Pabst on ice in anticipation. Once Friday finally arrives, you and most of your co-workers have already mentally cheeked out. Your mind is filled with weekend plans and can’t be interrupted with work nonsense. Around 2ish on a Friday’s the office is usually dead and you can easily downshift into weekend mode.

All of this helps in making Tuesday the worst day of the week. I’ve been in the corporate hellhole for over ten years now. If there is one thing I’ve learned in that time it’s that if you are going to call in or miss a day miss Tuesday. Otherwise, there is no escape and you are about to have as much fun as an anal probe. It was rumored we were going to go to a four, ten hour day schedule, with each team member getting a week day of their choosing off. While discussing it everyone was saying either Monday or Friday is when they want as their day off. A co-worker asked me and I did not hesitate. I said Tuesday and he looked at me like I was nuts. He just didn’t see my logic as I tried to explain.

So, as today is Monday and it is predictably slow, I wait. I know tomorrow at this time I will have ten voice mails and all of them urgent. This is where I have a small disagreement with Karen Carpenter, while rainy days suck Tuesday’s always get me down.

A shamelss plug

Please allow me to plug my lists on Amazon. When I am really bored at work I needlessly list movies and Cd’s. So, here is a link to some lists I created over at Amazon. Please feel free to disagree. Just click on www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/cm/member-fil/-/A1SZ9EM1ZVCXOO/103-9949295-084384

Grandpa Joe

Today would have been my Grandfather’s birthday. He died a little over two years ago. While, I do indeed miss him I choose today to celebrate his life, not morn the loss of it.

The art of small talk (or shooting the shit as my Grandfather used to say) is lost on most people. I learned from the master. My grandfather was a truck driver and he never met a stranger in his life. He was sent off to WWII and made friends with a Japanese family while in Japan. You know the people who he was supposed to be fighting. He would invite strangers he just met at the local truck stop over to Thanksgiving dinner and to his daughters wedding. People loved talking to him and he loved nothing more than sitting around in a diner or a Mc Donald’s drinking coffee and shooting the shit.

As a young boy I would go with my Grandfather to these places and sit there for hours listening to him and his cronies talk and talk. Not knowing these people and being much younger I just sat back and listened. I found it fascinating and I learned a lot. My grandfather did not see people as strangers. He was everyone’s friend; they just didn’t know it yet.

The greatest example of this was on a trip to Ohio. My dad currently lives in Columbus, Ohio. One summer we all went down for a visit. Located near my dad’s house was a local grease pit truck stop called the Waffle House. My Grandfather was drawn to diners and truck stops like, Julia Roberts is to bad scripts. We arrived on a Friday. On that Sunday, we all decided to join him for breakfast at the Waffle House. He walked in and everyone in the place perked up. All calling him by his first name like they had known him all of their lives. My grandfather had that special and rare ability to connect with people. If my Grandfather taught me one thing it was to treat people like you’ve known them for years. In my profession this lesson has helped me to connect with people.

I was my Grandfathers first grandchild. So, obviously he doted on me. He carried around pictures of all eight of grandchildren in his wallet and would proudly display our pictures to anyone who showed the slightest interest. One night back when I was still in my teens as I often was, I was at a party. A girl I had never met walked up to me and asked me if my Grandfather’s name was Joe. I said, yes and she told me that she worked at McDonalds in Burbank and one day my Grand Dad came in and started talking with her. He had showed her a picture of me. This started a conversation and you can take it from there. My Grandfather was helping me with the ladies now, and he didn’t even know it.

That was the beauty of my Grandfather. He saw the world through rose-colored glasses. Sure, he was from the old county and set in his ways. He ate every meal with a piece of bread in his left hand and expected a home cooked meal when he came home from work. It wasn’t until I was older that I found myself really appreciating him and realizing how lucky I was to get to know him. I had my Grandfather in my life for thirty-three years. He is my link to another generation. I am just so proud and privileged to have had in my life for as long as I did. I only hope I can live up to the standard that he set.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

My Sunday started like most do in the fall. I woke up, got out of bed and dragged a comb across my head. I then made my way to the Sports Dome in Bridgeview to watch football. The Dome has every single NFL game on, so I can follow my fantasy football team. I usually met up with the Boy's and much trash talking is enjoyed throughout the day.

The Dome offers a deal where you drink and eat as much as you want for $19 bucks. The food spread they have is massive. Breaded Pork Tenderloin, Meat Loaf, Smoked Butt, Baked Chicken, Pot Roast, Baked Salmon, and many sides are offered in the smorgasbord. I eat a hearty meal and down about six or seven Cranberry and vodkas. Of course, since they water them down so much I am basically drinking Cranberry juice.

This last Sunday since it fell in December, I had to leave a little early because the wife and I had some errands to run. Our first stop was to my favorite store, Home Depot. Every time, I shop there I hate that store more. I was in the middle of returning my water bottle’s when the pork tenderloin and meat loaf I had consumed needed to be purged. The Vodka I had consumed was only accelerating this process. I told my wife to keep browsing, as I was going to make a deposit. I was not prepared for what I was walking into.

The bathroom looked as if it was in a war zone. I’ve been in cleaner outhouses. Urine soaked floors, overflowing toilets and dirty towels were everywhere. It was an emergency however so I avoided as many land mines as I could to make my way to the stalls. There were three in all and each was worse than the other. I will not go into detail, but all three were unusable no matter what state I was in.

I left the disaster area and found my wife. The pain I was in at this point could rival child-berth. I told my wife I was running next door to the Office Max. She told me to meet her down the way at Marshall’s. Now I hate Marshall’s but I was in no condition to argue. I literally ran to Office Max and found the bathroom. After exiting the basketball that was residing in my large intestine, I was off to find my wife in Marshall’s.

For those who don’t know think of Marshall’s as a poor man’s Kmart. It is the king of cheap out of date merchandise. They have good prices and my wife has a sixth sense for finding pieces of gold in a sea of crap. After browsing for what must have been a month, she found some Christmas cards and a skirt for our tree.

We proceeded to checkouts and I saw a line with only one old lady in it. My wife told me to go in the longer line but I ignored her. I should have deferred to the Marshall’s expert. The old bag in front of me was buying over $400 dollars of basically sweaters. I’ve seen tar dry faster than this exchange. Of course the line my wife wanted to go in had no waiting after awhile and we moved there and where on our way to Cub foods.

We bought our week’s worth of groceries and headed home. I made myself a tuna fish sandwich, (Using the cheap oil based tuna Joyce despises yet I love.) and settled down on my ass to watch the Simpson’s and try to get myself ready for another week of work. I knew I had learned a valuable lesson this week get that shopping done before Sunday.

Tis the Season

I originally wrote the following tirade about Christmas in 1999 for a previous website. Five years later my feelings on the subject have not changed much. Please enjoy.

Really does anyone like Christmas? I mean it is a lot of work and for what? First of all it begins earlier every damn year. I saw trees up in a department store in late August this year. It was still summer for Christ’s sake! Next, people are under the false impression that it brings out the best in people. Work in retail for one Xmas and you will see otherwise.

I remember my first retail Christmas at K Mart. We had ran a sale ad for Christmas napkins. You know the kind with trees and elves on them. The kind no hetro man would ever buy. In typical K Mart fashion we ordered a whole one case of them. Sales started on Sunday and by about noon on that Sunday we were out. Well, a lovely woman who needed a fresh shave asked me if we had any. After I explained that we were out and that she could get a rain check (figuring it was the price not the lame Christmas design that she wanted) she proceeded to curse me out saying “What the hell good is that going to do me.” while walking out of the department knocking down a display case of Christmas Styrofoam plates. This is one of the many run-ins I had during the season. I will not even attempt to relay any of the Toys department horrors I witnessed. While there were always bad customers, it seemed that Christmas brought out the worst in everyone. And really do you blame anyone. Anybody who says they like the shopping needs serious help. People in the stores are rude, in their own world and careless. Most of the twelve year olds the stores have employed care more about what Jessica Simpson is wearing then your needs as a consumer. This is why I wait until Dec. 23rd to do my shopping. I know it is going to be bad but my point is why subject yourself to weeks of this? Get it done in one day and write that day off. I know ahead of time that I will need to get on a bus to get from where I parked my car to the entrance of the mall. I know I will have to wait in a 20-minute line at Bath and Body Works for a gift certificate and a scented candle.

Then there is the holiday itself. Christmas Eve is one thing. It’s nice seeing the family and exchanging gifts, but lets face it once that is done the next day is damn boring. For one, everything is closed. Every form of entertainment is gone (except for the movie theater.) Last Christmas I got the family stuff out of the way by like 3:00 figuring I had the rest of my day off to do something. There was nothing to do. I got hungry and not wanting to eat leftovers I was going to get something to eat. No food establishments were open. I drove around and found that only a White Hen was open. I got a half a pound of Krakus Ham and a loaf of bread. Now that is good eating.

Also, there is nothing on T.V. Everything has a Christmas theme. I don’t want to watch Miracle on 34th St. or The Facts of Life Christmas special. There are no sports on, so unless you rented movies in advance, something I plan on doing this year, you’re screwed. I can understand why the suicide rates are so high around Christmas. Imagine having no friends or family around. You’re force feed this holiday cheer and you really have no say in the matter. Hell, I would be shopping for a gun myself, just so I don’t have to hear Rocking Around the Christmas Tree anymore.

Maybe I am jaded because I have like four Christmas celebrations each year. Multiply that by my age and you can see why I might be sick of the day. Also, it takes away from Halloween and Thanksgiving. Halloween is so much cooler. It is in the autumn, the leaves are changing, and there is a slight chill in the air. You’ve got much better Halloween related movies than Christmas films. There is no contest there. Also, haunted houses. I mean come on, you pay someone to scare you. It is a hell of a lot more fun than wrapping gifts. Thanksgiving is also better, because of football. They really need to change the name of Thanksgiving to Men’s day. I mean my biggest responsibility of the day is showing up. My mom and Aunt wait on the men hand and foot. We watch the game while they slave over a hot stove cooking a turkey. We got the long end of the stick on this one. I “try to give a hand.” However, I am usually getting in the way more than I am helping. There is no shopping, no mall, no Perry Como.

My last point is that Christmas is for kids. I agree with this and have no problem embracing that concept. Let’s face it at around age sixteen is when Christmas stops being fun and starts becoming a pain in the ass. However, since I choose to have no children (It’s a choice really) why am I required to partake in this event? I am not catholic, I don’t own a tree, I really don’t like egg nog. It is because everyone else in the free world celebrates it. Be it family, friends or work related mini celebrations, I have no choice. As bad as it is though the only thing I look forward to is the interaction with those close to me. You can take the presents, food, songs, bad wrapping paper, and holiday cheer and stuff it. I choose to see those close to me on my terms and I don’t need a holiday to make me do it. I do it because I like seeing everyone and talking. If you put things in perspective I guess I have nothing to really complain about. I have a ton of family and friends to share the holidays with and many do not. No one has to remind me of that. In that regard I am lucky. I realize my arguments and complaints are petty in comparison. That is just it. Why does it take Christmas to remind us of people out there suffering? Don’t these same people need help in April? I think Bart Simpson sums it up best. “Aren’t we forgetting the real meaning of Christmas, the birth of Santa.”

Venting

These are just some things that annoy the hell out of me.

The word Awesome- I have had it with this term. It stopped being hip and cool to use the word in like 1985. Sean Penn in his brilliant portrayal of Jeff Spicoli would often use the term awesome. It was funny and original then. Over twenty years later it is used way to often and in the wrong context. Cheese fries cannot be awesome. So, anyone who reads this and uses that word, please find another fuckin adjective.

Bathroom courtesy- I cannot harp on this one enough. First, if I am in the far right stall and there are two stalls open to my left, do not use the middle stall. Always, leave a buffer whenever possible. Also, when in there please leave the grunting to a minimum. I swear you’d think some of these guys were giving birth. Lastly, after washing your hands clean up your mess and wipe up any water residue you may have left on the sink. Also, if you are going to miss the bowl, please do the rest of us the courtesy to put the seat up.

Loud Talkers- This is going to sound like a Seinfeld bit, but loud talkers are killing me. You know the guy, loud opinionated, and usually Republican. This dolt gets no bigger joy than spewing his idiotacy on the world. I always feel like saying hey asshole, no one gives a shit about you single IQ viewpoints. Please tone it down so that the entire eastern seaboard can get some sleep.

Front Runners- You know all these assholes wearing Red Sox hats all of the sudden. These were the same pricks wearing Yankee hats five years ago. There is nothing worse than some jag off who just roots for the teams that are currently winning. My beloved Cubs were in the playoff’s two years ago and they all came out of the woodwork. I felt like telling the sunshine Cub fans to go home take off your Mark Prior jersey, and quit shouting Alouuuuu at games. You can figure out who they are if you ask them who Rick Reuschel and Larry Bitner are. If they don’t know they aren’t Cub fans.

Tardiness- Nothing pisses me off more than waiting around for someone who told you they would meet you at 7:30 and they don’t show until like 8. My time is just as important as yours. Everyone has excuses and this behavior is unacceptable in my book. I realize that I am in then vast minority because latecomers run this world. Go to a movie, and you will see what I mean. I will look in the paper and it will post the starting time as 7:45. I get to the theater early to purchase tickets, popcorn and pick the seat I want. I expect the film to start at that time, not the previews. However, most times the movie posted to start at 7:45 won’t start until 8ish. To me that is false advertising.

Religious Fanaticism- Listen, I respect a persons religious beliefs. All I ask is that people respect my Agonistic beliefs. It seems no one does. I am not naive enough to believe that I know the answer to the God question. I have my own independent thought on the subject and independent thought has no room in organized religion. With that said, if you get something out of the church fine. However, don’t preach to me. I don’t want to hear it. Also, don’t force those moral beliefs on the rest of society. I say we give all these religious pricks Utah, Nebraska and Wyoming. There is a lot of land there and they have their vanilla, Leave it to Beaver, Osmond Family society. Make your own laws, live like what you want, and leave the rest of the freethinking, evolved world alone.

Corporate Food- I hate Bennigans. Appleby’s, Chili’s, Outback, Fuddruckers, TGI Fridays, and all these other pre-cooked corporate monstrosities. As a Chicagoan there is no room or excuse good enough to justify eating at these bland crap merchants. If you want Awesome Fajitas or Pepper Jack Potato Skins than there are plenty of local Chicago owned restaurants that you can get them at. Open your mind and try eating somewhere unfamiliar.

Starr Jones- She has replaced Oprah and Rosie O’Donnell as the most annoying person walking the earth. The fact that anyone gives two shits about her abomination that was her wedding speaks volumes about American pop culture.

Yuppie’s- I’ve has it with the Gap pants wearing, frat boy, Dave Matthews listening, Sushi eating, BMW driving, cliché talking, zombiefied motherfuckers. Since we gave the religious nuts three states I say give these jackal’s, Washington, Oregon and Idaho. Then they can have all the Starbucks coffee and Lite beer from Miller they want and I won’t have to deal with their unoriginal, unfunny, and simpleton conversations.

That’s all for now. I feel like I just took a massive dump after unloading all of that. Thanks.